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Feeling strange

Gail

Veteran

Got home last night from the UK. I flew over last week to attend the memorial service for my Mother, Monday 22nd,who passed away at the end of January. The service went very well and I caught up with relatives that I hadn't seen for many years, some from Australia! I was very pleased that I was able to perform my eulogy without loads of tears, I was very anxious that I would be unable to do it.
However , strange now both my parents are gone and it is all over. I feel quite out of sorts this morning almost numb which is very unusual for me as I am generally quite emotional.
Is this normal ?

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22 replies

Latest reply was from Debbie

Janet

(website)

Veteran

I am so sorry for your loss.

I've been there, and I think it's quite normal. It's almost as though you're in shock right now. My dad has been gone for 25 years, and after my mom passed away, there was so much to deal with -- arrangements to be made, settling my parents' estate, dealing with the house and all the belongings, etc. I experienced that kind of numb feeling too, which I think is the result of feeling overwhelmed with the enormity of the loss. There is something very profound about losing the last parent. Maybe, it's because as my sister so bluntly put it, "we're next." I didn't think of it quite so morbidly, but she is 10 years older than I am. (And yes, we have a rather dark sense of humor in my family.)

I found some of the most difficult days emotionally came after that feeling of numbness. It was as though the ability to feel the grief was returning. I'd be going on about my day and something would make me think of mom, and I'd be a mess. Tears in the grocery store, having to pull over my car and cry because I had a brief moment when I went to call her, etc.

I hope you move through the grieving process with support and love -- both from yourself and your family and friends. There is no one way to grieve, and there is no timetable. I am sending hugs and good wishes!

ETA: I really have to give you such huge credit for being able to do the eulogy. I could not even bring myself to consider speaking in front of people for either of my parents' memorials. And I just watched my best friend since high school perform the eulogy for his wife, in front of his four children, which I know was one of the most difficult things he's ever done. In some ways I feel guilty for not believing I was able to do that. So, I say well done for choosing to honor your mother so bravely.

Anonymous

Yes, it is very normal. I lost my dad in June 2007 and my mom in June 2012. My DH lost his mom almost 1 year ago and his father is 91 with dementia and with a condition that will get worse because he is too weak to undergo surgery to correct the problem.

It is most difficult when there are birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays. I still remember each and everyone of them on their special occasions by placing flowers and cards on their graves. My parents and DH' mother and father, all have burial plots right next to each other.

You will cry when you miss them and you will smile and laugh when you remember certain things. I often quote my mom and everyone laughs - only things my mom would say. I found it very therapeutic to talk about them and not hold your thoughts or feelings to yourself.

RoseandJoan

Veteran

I certainly went through a numb phase after losing my Mum last year, I think its a form of self preservation, remember to be kind to yourself and as has been mentioned there is no right way to feel xo

Anonymous

It's normal. You are also probably jet lagged too. Both my parents were quite old but the passing of each was still unexpected at the time and quite a shock. As Lara says, holidays and anniversaries are the worst, even years later. My parents are buried a long way from me, so I can't easily visit their graves. As a Catholic, I find it comforting to pray for them and ask for their prayers.

texstyle

(website)

Veteran

I'm so sorry for your loss and agree you were very brave in doing the eulogy for your mother. That numb feeling seems normal to me too after a major loss of a loved one. I think it is important though to celebrate the person's life as much as possible. Even if you are crying through the celebration. I still "talk" to my Dad and have very vivid dreams of him a couple times a year where we go on adventures sort of. I try to toast my Grandma every St. Patrick's Day as it was a favorite day of hers. I remember my Dad a lot around Easter because as small children that's when we got to see him for a big family reunion (my parents were divorced when I was small so I didn't see him that often back then). Anyway - take care of yourself, remind yourself it takes time to grieve and time does make it easier to accept what we cannot change.

Thirkellgirl

Veteran

I'm so sorry for your loss. I think that's a very normal reaction. Your poor brain and emotions can only handle so much stress at one time, and going numb is a way to deal with the trauma of losing your last parent. When my mom died (nine years after my dad) I was really a mess for awhile. I coped very well the week of the funeral, cleaned out her apartment in record time, dealt with the accounts and paperwork efficiently, and then I kind of fell apart. I misplaced things (including an envelope of cash she'd had under her bed, as old ladies have) and couldn't find them for months. I had to ask my husband to deal with all the important stuff like paying *our bills for awhile, as it was obvious my brain was just too full to retain one more thing. Please be kind to yourself and cut yourself a lot of slack. No matter how complicated our relationship with our mother, and some are very complicated indeed, it is a deep loss that requires healing time.

Eliza

Veteran

Sorry for your loss. Makes sense that you are drained and a bit numb after rallying for the trip, the eulogy, the good byes and the way the reality tends to sink in once details are tending. It can be a relief on the one hand, but a grief on the other. When I lost my mother, it was difficult to absorb that I could no longer do another thing for her directly (yes, I try to honor her, ...).

So much wisdom is shared here. It is a period of grief and transition. Absorb support where you find it and be kind to yourself. You are likely raw and will find that little things here and there will bring your sadness to the surface. It is amazing that you are already starting to connect the dots for yourself. You have not had any time to re-group or even adapt to time zone changes.

Hope it helps to know that this is often the response to grief in the immediate aftermath. Everybody is different; if you feel bogged down or immobilized past a time frame that you would anticipate, short-term counseling can help. All the best to you.

rachylou

Veteran

Yes. It's disorienting, you know?

catgirl

Veteran

Completely understandable. Our culture tends to rush people through grieving - it really takes at least a year to go through every significant date (birthdays, holidays, anniversaries) Do not underestimate the healing process... be gentle with yourself and take your time. I am so sorry for your loss.

Caro in Oz

Veteran

Agreeing with all that has been said. Take care of yourself & take some time for whatever feels meaningful for you.

columbine(erin)

Veteran

I'm so sorry for your loss and pray for healing and peace for you.

Anonymous

Gail - I am sorry to hear about this. Having recently lost my own mother, and with my father also dead, I think I have an idea of how you are feeling. I am not an emotional "cryer" either, and really still haven't - but I do know the numb feeling and I still experience it regularly. Everything I read about losing your parents has been true for me - thoughts come and go in waves, and I still go to the phone to call my mom, and it's been 7 months now. Life.

Anonymous

I am so sorry to hear your mum is gone. It's completely normal (though disorienting) to feel unexpected emotions, and should only be cause for concern if feelings of numbness continue for weeks/start to take over. You've gone through a lot. Take care of yourself. I hope family and friends treasure and nurture you the way your mum would wish.

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

Sweet, Gail. Death is a very surreal thing. It's quite "normal" to feel numb and relieved at this point. It takes a year to go through the cycle of the grieving process, through which you will feel a myriad of emotion. Take care of yourself, keep loved ones close. and process your feelings. One day at a time.

SarahTheWhite

Veteran

I am so sorry for your loss! I am another one in awe that you could deliver the eulogy. That is is wonderful and special thing - something I could never do. And, like others have said - numbness is VERY normal, as is relief (as Angie said). There is no right or wrong way to grieve. It is your process to go through on your own timeline. Also don't forget the stresses of travel on the body and emotions - on top of everything else. Your system can only handle so much at one time...

Deborah

Veteran

I am so sorry for your loss. And yes how you are feeling sounds very normal. I found after the passing of my dad I journeyed through a number of emotions. I recall I was quite numb and emotionally detached for about three months. I had wonderful family and friends who supported me and allowed me to grieve as I needed to, so I do hope you have good people around you who will walk with you and provide the support and love you need at this time.

Summer

Veteran

Gail, my heart goes out to you. You will experience all sorts of emotions including the numbness you describe. I think this flat feeling is natural after the initial aftermath, and all the preparations and arrangements are over. The only advice I can offer is to acknowledge each emotion as it surfaces and simply ride with it. Be kind to yourself, and let your friends and family help you through. Sending positive, healing thoughts.

Laurinda

Veteran

Heartfelt condolences on your loss. I think losing your parents (at any age) brings up a sense of being orphaned. Years later I still feel kind of adrift without the solid anchor I had with my folks -- no one else loves as unconditionally as a parent.

Big hugs to you & yours.

Colette

Veteran

I'm so sorry for your loss. Others have already addressed how normal this feeling is and I absolutely agree. I went through it when I lost my Dad six years ago. I've learned that everyone grieves differently, just make sure to take care of yourself and allow yourself to work through all your emotions as they surface.

Gail

Veteran

Thank you everyone for your kind words and wisdom.
I know that the first year of anniversaries will no doubt be hard. The first one will be next week March 3rd. My Mother would have turned 80 and we were planning a party for her. We had the service video taped as a lot of people were not able to come. I received a copy today and watched it. I am glad that I have this memory , I'm not religious but found the service to be quite calming and lovely .

Aziraphale

Veteran

Gail, it's totally normal. I am still in a state of disbelief that my mom has finally gone, and it's been two months. You might have some unexpected moments of feeling very emotional over the next while. The grief process happens for everyone, but it seems that it is always different.

I am very sorry for your loss. xo

Debbie

Veteran

I am sorry for your loss. I also think what you are feeling is normal. Losing your parents at any age is hard and literally sends you adrift. Give yourself all the time you need.