Feeling somewhat violated - YouLookFab Forum

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Feeling somewhat violated

biscuitsmom

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By my sister's involvement on my Facebook account. She recently joined FB, and told me she went back and read *every* post I've made in 2+ yrs on there!! She actually said 'it took me a couple of weeks, but I've seen everything you've ever posted' Yuck!! Even now, she makes a point (every day) of mentioning that she keeps track of EVERYTHING I say, do, or post on other people's pages It is really creeping me out, but I know if I try and 'block' her at all, I'll NEVER hear the end of it... but I hate feeling like I almost need to censor myself...ps- our parents have both passed away, we have no other siblings, and she really has no close friends..(although she is somewhat active online). ,.but does that mean I need to pay the price for being the major source of her social life? She lives in a senior/disabled persons building, but refuses to get involved with anyone, or any activities there....

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17 replies

Latest reply was from biscuitsmom

Glory

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I think you can make groups in FB and add people to them. You can set the security on each of the groups which would then limit what she could see. I will do some research and get back to you on it. I know my friend does this as many of her students wanted to "friend" her but she doesn't want them to access her personal fb life.

Isis

Veteran

I have not done this, but what Glory says is true, you can make your sister part of a "group" and set limits for what she can see.

The beauty of this is that she will not know that you have altered the security settings for her.

I have not done this, but have heard admins. advise students who are applying to professional schools to do this, to limit what their professional circles see.

Good luck!

ManidipaM

Veteran

I do exactly what Glory said. My family group sees and hears far less than my close friends group. And they can't see when I am online either.

claracluck

i must be the only person on the planet without a facebook page! I did have one but when my daughter joined I shut my page down but that's just a personel thing and no help to you what so ever.but I can be a secretive person not that I'm that interesting but I don't like sharing everything about my life just because of family dynamics.

Kristin L

Veteran

I would do what Glory suggested and place in a group so you can block her from seeing your posts. I've done it in the past so that my former major prof and grad coordinator didn't see me playing games on FB.

Echo

Veteran

The truly disconcerting thing, IMO, is that ANYONE can do this unless they are selectively blocked from things. In other words, conceivably everyone you have "friended" could read every single post you have ever made, but since no one ever told you until your sister did it, it didn't bother you or creep you out. Keep in mind that just because no one else has ever mentioned they did it doesn't mean they didn't, or that they couldn't.

So I would have to agree that changing settings would be the preferable option here, although I know nothing about it. I am no on FB and never have been. I've just never seen the appeal.

velvetychocolate

Veteran

Sorry to hear this BiscuitMom - it would bother me too! Not sure what to suggest, other than to say that I wouldn't like this feeling either.

MsMary

Veteran

My solution is I don't post anything on Facebook that I wouldn't be okay with seeing on the front page of the newspaper. The nature of Facebook is that people you "friend" will indeed be able to see everything you post, so in my view it's best to keep it as innocuous as possible.

I always laugh that I have three posts that I repeat over and over again:

1. Wow! That was a great workout!
2. Wow! That was a great thing I ate!
3. Wow! My son is awesome!

LOL

ETA: Okay, it's really four:

4. Wow! Really excited about [geeky TV show or movie news]!

Louise

Veteran

I'm like MaryK, I only post things on Facebook that I'd be happy to say out of my mouth x

Jules

Veteran

It's funny because to me it's only natural that any fb friend would be able to see everything you have on your profile. That's just how it works... Maybe I drank the Kool Aid
Your sister does sound like she has some boundary issues. Even if I did "stalk" someone's profile like that I would never tell them! The info you've given here gives me some context on other things I believe you have posted (that she can be critical, etc). Her situation does sound sad and lonely and maybe she doesn't have a lot of social feedback/interaction to help her gauge appropriateness . But that doesn't excuse her nor are you her punching bag... So I agree setting boundaries is a good way to deal with her, and that can include putting her in a limited-access group.

Laurinda

Veteran

Hugs to you BM!
This may not help in your circumstance, but I have two FB accts. One with my family nickname is for personal stuff, one with my professional name is for friends and colleagues. I also never post my own photos on FB, I don't trust the ownership issues. I link to photos I have on my own server space.

I am surprised what folks post tho, I think I am still of the generation that values privacy over sharing every detail. Posting real birthdates, parents' names, or kids' photos to the public is just asking for problems.

Isabel

Veteran

The others gave you good advice. I just want to say I am sorry that you feel violated. You and your sis have a complicated relationship. Doing what the others suggested will help you get better control of it. Please don't feel guilty that her personality and the way she has lived her life is different than yours. For whatever reason, she hasn't been social, but that doesn't mean that you have to accept being her one intense relationship. It doesn't work for you and that is ok. You have been wonderful to her, that is enough.

rachylou

Veteran

That's a little intense. From what you've mentioned about your sister, it sounds like one of those situations where the only thing you can possibly do is change your feelings. She doesn't seem, how to say, so much in control of herself.

But true, Facebook is a public space, not a private one. So... it *is* a good idea to limit what you put up there. Even in your *private* Facebook spaces.

Irene

Veteran

Because most of my FB friends are not really my friends (some people I don't even know and, before you think this is creepy, they function as pages and I follow them because I am interested in what they have to say/share lol), I have set different groups for each type of 'friendship'. I do keep my life very private from FB though. I mainly use it to post new photos from photoshoots (not personal), book reviews and funny statements, now and then.

Janet

(website)

Veteran

Whoah, that is a little excessive. Methinks she needs a hobby.

A certain relative of mine responds to things I post with political rants, even when my posts have little or nothing to do with politics (I rarely post about politics because I have friends and family across the spectrum and prefer to keep things peaceful). Oh, and he makes those comments on my friends' threads when he sees I've commented, even though he doesn't even know the person whose thread he is barging in on! I am seriously considering blocking him. I've deleted his comments on my posts when I think someone might be offended.

I enjoy keeping connected with people via FB, but like so many things in life, there are some people who make it challenging.

ironkurtin

Veteran

I think how we respond to Facebook is generational. Some people literally live on FB. I've had younger friends pitch fits when I have "liked" the wrong posts! (Uh... whateEVER).

Remember when you post you do give information out that people can find. It's not all THAT creepy for your sister to read about your life -- Facebook makes that possible, after all.

biscuitsmom

Veteran

Thanks so much, everyone! Glory, ManidipaM, Kristen, Isis, thanks for suggesting the different group settings! I'm definitely doing that Isis, so glad she wont know I'm blocking some of her access, that makes me feel a lot better about it :)Claracluck, I sure understand about family dynamics... they do play a huge role in our lives, at times...Echo, that's very true, I will keep it in mind. VC, Thanks! Glad to know you would feel that way too...MaryK, Louise, IK, believe me, I *never* put anything really personal on FB- I share way more here, lol....Jules, yup, definite boundary issues, for sure....good suggestion. Laurinda, that is a good plan! I really don't have the need for a 2nd acct, but can see why it could be great. It is scary how so many people share every.little.detail, especially if they have kids. Isabel, thanks so for your kindness...you give me a great perspective. Rachylou, great perspective too...I cannot change her, nor does she want to change- she just says 'I'm nosy and I like it' and is proud of it....Irene, that is a good plan! I don't think your FB friends that you don't know is creepy at all! Janet, a different hobby, for sure, lol. I'm so sorry you need to deal w/your relative who is like that Kind of reminds me of my BIL, who is incredibly racist And to barge in like that? Wow...IK, yeah, generational thing, for sure...I cringe when I see really personal stuff up there too! I guess it just bugs the hell out of me, because it is like when she was listening in on my phone calls (which she actually did- as an adult!) when we lived in the same place for a time She also admitted to reading my personal emails at the same period of time Seeing things I wrote in the newsfeed, or whatever, doesn't bother me... just when she went back to read every.single.thing. I've written and to 'listen in on' or follow every single conversation I have, and believe me, it's nothing more exciting than 'I'd like to take for lunch sometime' or 'good luck on your interview' etc... it just feels icky SOOO glad she doesn't know about this place! Thanks again for helping me solve this....