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fashion disagreements among friends

KristineK

This is kind of a sensitive and even a little painful subject for me, so please forgive me if my post seems confused or awkwardly phrased :-).

I have a friend with whom I've been close for over a decade, but for the last five years or so (maybe longer?) I've become ever more reluctant to get together with her because every. single. time. I see her, she ends up commenting negatively on my footwear. In the grand scheme of things, I know this is not a big issue; but it's caused enough hurt feelings on my part that it really does run the risk of damaging our friendship (if it hasn't already).

As examples, the kinds of things she usually comments on unfavorably are:

-- how much I paid, or how much it looks like I paid, for a pair of shoes (to which I've responded by hedging or just pleading the 5th)

-- negative comments about heel height (they can't be good for my feet, she's surprised I haven't broken an ankle yet, etc.)

-- comments about the supposed lack of comfort

It's gotten to the point where I've started adjusting my shoe choices in order to avoid the negative commentary (for instance I'll wear flats, flip-flops, etc, instead, although this sometimes also elicits negative feedback in the form of, "oh, you're wearing sensible shoes for once!").

So now that I'm done whining ;-), the real purpose of my post is to request advice for a polite way to address this. I love my friend, and this is one of the few points of disharmony in our relationship, so I want to somehow tactfully, sensitively let her know that I don't appreciate these comments... and I'd also like to ask her to avoid making them in the future. Unfortunately, I've absolutely no idea how to go about doing it

General

22 replies

Latest reply was from KristineK

April

Veteran

Can you take a joking approach by pre-emptively making these comments for her? For example, you could hug her hello and then immediately say something in a laughing manner such as, "This is the part where you tell me my shoes are uncomfortable, bad for my feet, and too expensive..."

taylor

Veteran

I question why this ~friend~ Is so unfriendly. making you feel awkward, uncomfortable and downright bad for being who you are and your preference for shoes.

I wonder if she is even ~able~ to wear heels...hence the hostility:)

I actually sparked a blog post regarding this very thing and the same type of negative comments regarding my heels...from virtual strangers.

judy

Veteran

Drawing a line in the sand as to what's off limits is not an easy thing to do, but sounds like it's necessary. Necessary because she isn't seeing how uncomfortable she is making you! I think you've said in your post exactly the right thing to say: "I don't appreciate these comments... and I'd also like you to avoid making them in the future." Just drum up the courage to say it. You don't have to do it perfectly.

KristineK

thank you so much for your supportive comments Judy, I think you're right re: drumming up the courage... a quality I've usually only got in limited supply, but I think this is worth trying to overcome my fear/anxiety...

The way I've tried to look at it -- maybe wishful thinking? -- is that maybe her comments are motivated out of concern for me (my budget? my foot health?) and that she may just not be aware of the tone of judgment/disapproval.

RandomThoughts (Andrea)

Veteran

I'd let her know that you understand she is only coming from a place of caring (even if you suspect this is not the case) but that her comments really hurt your feelings and make you uncomfortable.

This lets you be honest about how you feel and allows her to save some face. It's never an easy thing to do but if she really is a friend she'll respect your request for no more comments.

And if she can't respect that, is she really your friend?

Mac

Veteran

I agree that it has to be addressed! My way of doing this would be, at least the first time, to say with a big smile something like, "My heavens, girl. You certainly do seem to have a lot of opinions about my footwear!"

If she doesn't get that hint and continues to make impolite comments, I'd be more direct the next time and say, "I don't like the critical opinions you always make about my shoes. Maybe you think you're being helpful, but all you're doing is hurting my feelings and making me feel uncomfortable about spending time with you. Please stop it."

Sveta

(website)

Veteran

Can that be just pure envy on her part? She can feel inferior to you in the footwear department and that can be her way of protecting her self-esteem. She may not even realize she is doing that and that she hurts you. Have you ever let her know that her comments are unpleasant for you (in polite way of course). How about after she makes a comment next time ask her: "Why are you telling me this?" It may help you to understand the reason she is doing that and then it will be easier to address.

KristineK

Sveta, I've always wondered that, but until you just suggested asking her outright, it had actually never occurred to me to do so! And I really would like to hear the answer, too

Maya

Veteran

How do you usually react when she brings it up? I think you need to smile confidently and just say, with an air of authority and finality, "Actually I'm quite comfortable and I really enjoy my shoe collection, so you don't have to worry about me, my budget, or my feet."

If she brings it up again after that, then you need to bust out the big guns and tell her point blank that "I told you before that you don't need to worry about my footwear choices, so I would appreciate it if you would cease to bring it up again."

I also like Sveta's idea of simply asking her why she does it. That would put her in an awkward position, but sometimes people need that to understand what they are doing.

MNsara

Veteran

This sounds like something asked in Dear Abby (or whatever it is called these days). There are so many possible reasons for her doing this: envy, thinking out loud, disliking your footwear, etc. You could drive yourself crazy, when it is really HER problem. However, when your feelings are affected and you change your footwear to pre-empt her, then it's gone past your threshold for ignoring it.

I would be inclined to use Sveta's approach of simply asking (be sure not to offer her any reasons in the way you word your asking, so she has to come up with her own reason and not just choose one of yours). Work ahead of time on wording that won't put her on the defensive, but make it a matter of curiosity to you. Then you can hopefully stay very matter of fact about it's affect on you.

I am a confrontation chicken (except with my husband - poor guy!), so you have my sympathy that you have to deal with this at all. . .

KristineK

I'm a confrontation chicken too, which is probably why the situation has remained unaddressed for so long. In all fairness, I've yet to look my friend in the eye, tell her directly that her comments make me uncomfortable and ask her to stop making them. My usual responses range from smiling and changing the subject to trying to justify my choices, followed by changing the subject

I think I've also avoided saying anything directly on the subject because I have a way of trivializing it when I think about it ("it's just shoes, you're being over-sensitive"). Taylor made a good point earlier about the result being me feeling bad for being who I am -- I never thought about it that way before, but I think it's very true. Part of who I am is how much I love shoes in general and mine in particular

MsMary

Veteran

Maybe you could just tell your friend that! "Mary Jane, I've gotta tell you, I love you dearly but I'm up to here with the shoe comments. Part of who I am is how much I love shoes in general, and mine in particular, and because of that your shoe comments throw me for a loop each and every time I see you, to the extent that I'm afraid it's starting to affect our relationship. [Optional: So cut it the hell out, willya?]"

Maya

Veteran

I wonder why women get so nasty with each other over shoes?! At both ends of the spectrum it seems. My shoe closet is the least impressive or fashion forward part of my wardrobe, and boy have I heard an earful over it. As someone with the opposite problem, I always get very annoyed when it is implied that I am just not trying hard enough. I'm not "practicing" wearing heels enough. I'm being a baby by not tolerating the pain. I'm not wearing the right brands/styles.

I only judge people's footwear choices when they are obviously inappropriate for the situation. Other than that, I really do not care. At all.

Scarlet

Veteran

Ha ha, your friend sounds like my mother. And my mother-in-law for that matter. With these two ladies I just let it go, but if it were my friend I would say directly that I really don't appreciate the comments and it hurts my feelings. Between friends this should be an easy and short conversation. I have a friend who used to make jokes about my short height all the time. I finally told her that it really made me feel bad. She was shocked because she didn't realize I was sensitive about my height and then she never said anything like that again. Maybe your friend assumes you are so confident in your choices that it doesn't occur to her that she is making you feel uncomfortable.

Marley

Veteran

(Just as an aside - I'd be curious what her shoes look like.)

But, that's not really important here. I think you have the right to tell her how you feel. Myself, I wouldn't ask her "why" anything - starting a question with the word "why" always puts the other person on the defense. Always. Instead I would just state how you feel when she makes the comments that she does about your shoes and ask her not to do it anymore. Simple as that. I wouldn't get into a long drawn out conversation about it - because in the overall scheme of things, its not that big of a deal. But because your feelings are being hurt, you have the right to let that be known and as her friend, she has the right to know that your feelings are being hurt!
You can do it! And I'd suggest doing it soon - before it builds up into your mind as something much bigger than what it really is!

stringy

Veteran

I like April's idea as a way of just testing the waters - she may not even realise how often she does it, if she doesn't really mean anything by it. Where you go from there will depend on what kind of response you get to the joke part.

If she seems surprised, then Sveta's idea of asking might be interesting for her as well as you, and you can have a chat about it. If she is a little offended, then it might be worth gently but firmly saying "You're a great friend, but you really don't have to worry about my shoe situation. I'm very happy with my choices."

Either way, do say something. Otherwise it will just fester when you could maybe sort it out easily.

Barbara

Veteran

KristineK, my ex-best friend was much worse than your friend in the ferocity of her comments. She has NEVER had anything positive to say about me or my fashion choices. In recent years, she has become just downright mean! A real energy vampire. As painful as it is, I no longer have ANY contact with her, because her goal has ALWAYS been to make me feel inferior. I don't know why she's this way, but I simply cannot be around her anymore. An extreme solution, but it works for me. Hopefully if you make light of your situation, your friend will understand how her comments make you feel.

Barbara

Veteran

Maya, women can be nasty about ANYTHING. It just boggles the mind. Maybe these kookoo gals are competing with themselves and are terrified of losing to the (imagined) competition!

biscuitsmom

Veteran

You've gotten some great advice and I dont have anything new to add, but would like to say I agree with most of it and also think its *very* important to bring this out in the open ASAP before your friendship is totally at risk. Resentments do linger and can quickly build into toxic feelings...and that if she doesnt stop (after being reminded a couple of times) she really is not as good of a friend as you thought and consider cutting her out of your life- you dont need to be in the position of worrying and defending your choices- way too often even good friends turn into 'frenemies' and you dont need that in your life....

Michelle

(website)

Veteran

I don't really have much new to addd to the collective wisdom already expressed here, but I wanted to offer hugs and support, Kristine. I firmly believe this needs to be addressed, and soon. Your friend is exercising judgments on an aspect of your life that impacts absolutely noone besides yourself, and by challenging your tastes and habits in an unconstructive way she has the potential to undermine a key aspect of your personality. It's about a lot more than just footwear -- it's about your ability to make decisions for yourself and exercise reasonable judgment. You have every right in the world to assert yourself and I hope you are able to find the courage to do so. As a fellow "confrontation chicken" (I love it), I absolutely sympathize with how daunting this process can seem, but I believe it is necessary. She has seized control of this situation when it ought to remain solely in your hands. Hopefully some of the great suggestions offered here will help you redefine a couple of parameters.
Good luck! If you're comfortable sharing the outcome, iknow you'll find lots of support here.

BlondeAmbition

This reminds me of when a friend of mine came to pick me up. We were just headed out to a casual dinner but I was feelin cute and sassy and had put on a pair of cute pumps with my jeans. She showed up in sneakers and asked me if I could take those shoes off because she didn't have cute shoes with her. You know what, I obliged because she essentially told me that she wasn't comfortable with me all dressed up and her so dressed down. We weren't on equal footing (pun intended!)
I wasn't at all upset about it because my friend was open and honest, not vicious and snide.

Your friend is making hostile remarks to you about YOU, not shoes. She is accusing you of looking better than her. She is obviously jealous, those remarks could've been made by a 5th grader with more maturity than she showed. Is she a bad friend? That's not for us to judge, only you can answer that. I will tell you however that friends are our friends because they bring out the best in us and because they make us feel good about who we are. Letting your friend's passive aggressive behavior run rampant without stopping it is not serving either of you in this relationship.

"Kim (or whatever her name is), do you realize that you criticize my shoes every time we meet? It is starting to make me feel very uncomfortable, especially when you discuss my budget. That's personal. Is there something you want to talk to me about because frankly I don't understand why it concerns you so much."

Ok so that may be a bit forward, but your friend is twice as brazen. You're allowed to say you feel in a real friendship and hopefully your relationship can become stronger because of this.

KristineK

I wanted to say thanks again to everyone for your suggestions, kind comments and support! I'm feeling much less intimidated by the idea of addressing the issue with my friend

Barbara -- hugs to you, I'm so very sorry you had that experience with your friend. I can only imagine how hard that must have been.

Maya -- I don't understand the nastiness or the judgment either. I've always figured to each their own, people are always going to have varying preferences/tastes and diversity is one of the things that keeps fashion fun. It'd be pretty boring if we all liked and wore exactly the same things