Ever think someone is stuck-up by how they dress? - YouLookFab Forum

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Ever think someone is stuck-up by how they dress?

biscuitsmom

Veteran

I took my buddy Steve grocery shopping the other day...it was cold and windy, so I wore my JNY faux fur coat, carried my croc Brahmin bag and had on a fairly casual outfit. Upon leaving he saw two ladies in their early 30's (Im guessing) and stopped to chat. I said hello (I did not know them at all) and kinda stepped aside -within earshot- he talked for a bit, I made a few sympathetic comments (lady#1 had been abused) and we left. Later that day he got a phone call from lady#2 and she asked him 'who is your stuck-up friend?' When he asked what she meant by that, she responded 'well, look at how she was dressed!' HUH? I certainly never made *any* comment that was less than supportive to her friend...so what gives? Anyone had a similar experience?

Dressing

36 replies

Latest reply was from bella

TravellingTam

I've never actaully heard anyone say anything about me, but I have been the recipient of the "stink eye" quuite a few times lately.

MsMary

Veteran

Oh my! I think this totally falls into the same category of difficulty that Cilleena had a few days ago -- people projecting their own insecurities onto the nearest available target. It seems crystal clear to me that anybody who wasn't either (a) unbelievably catty or (b) in the grips of cripplingly low self-esteem would have called Steve and asked "who was your lovely friend" instead.

That having been said, I must admit I saw a woman at the grocery store the other day dressed head-to-toe in logo'd designed wear (ginormous LV bag, Burberry plaid raincoat, loafers with a designer logo, designer-initialed scarf. Chanel bracelet) AND rather obvious cosmetic surgery, and I will admit it's possible I may have inwardly had thoughts along the lines of "stuck up" or "pretentious." But then I never claimed my self-esteem was all that fab!

Mo

(website)

Veteran

That's unfortunate I have thought " what's up with her?" when seeing someone dressed in a certain way, but not necessarily stuck-up. I was at a pretty nice although casual restaurant a couple months ago when the BF and I spied a lady in a bright pink fuzzy track suit with crystallized words on it, matching sparkly phone case, and super long acrylic nails at the hostess stand. She had on matching crazy platform sandals, etc. At first I wondered if she came from the gym, but then realized this was an intentional going out look. We both scratched our heads in wonder . . .

Queen Mum

Veteran

We all judge by appearances and those judgments are filtered through our life experiences.... unfortunately.
But, that doesn't excuse anyone's behavior or rude comments. She might have had an impression of you based on your clothing choices, but she needed to have kept those thoughts to herself. I"m sorry that happened. If you were dressed in rags she might have asked "who is your homeless friend?" LOL... you really can't win. It sounds like you treated her with respect and compassion.

MsMary

Veteran

I agree, QM. I think we all make judgments about people based on their appearance. Lady #2's big sin was not making the judgment, but having the bad manners to voice it to Steve. (And I'm not all that happy with Steve for feeling like he needed to pass it on to biscuitsmom, either!)

lyn*

(website)

Veteran

Wow, that was a very unfortunate experience for you! I think a lot of ladies feel threatened/jealous when they see other people who are better dressed than they are. I recently was "warned" by a male friend that I needed to dress down because otherwise guys will think I am "stuck up" because I dressed nicely. I rolled my eyes much. In my head. :p

rosee

Veteran

It never ceases to amaze me how silly and judgemental people can be. We all have our biases that's true, but most of us will know to filter them a little, especially before expressing them out loud. I'm assuming it's another case of insecurity /jealousy and has more to do with her attitude than yours. I bet she really wanted your jacket...

rae

(website)

Veteran

In and after high school, whenever I would meet new people, it seemed like they would always say, "Wow, I always thought you'd be stuck up, but you're not!" Most of these people had never interacted with me before ... no one mentioned my clothes, but it just goes to show that some people make these judgments without any reason at all. I think clothes can definitely make you more or less approachable, but I also think it takes a certain frame of mind to form a full opinion of someone based on something so superficial.

biscuitsmom

Veteran

Well, thanks, ladies! I appreciate the support SO nice of all of you! @MaryK- lol...Steve has NO filter-at all! Ive kinda thought that way myself a time or two, but its usually because of the near-visible ATTITUDE some women have! Certainly never after Ive spoke with them and found them to be nice/polite...she just seemed to glare at me the whole time

Meka

I've experienced something similar many times before but it was usually couched in "I just don't like the way she carries herself." Excusez-moi? I'm supposed to "carry" myself as if I don't care about myself?

Isis

Veteran

I must ask: what's up with Steve? Why would he repeat that comment to you????

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

Oh goodness! Sorry, Biscuitsmom. It's too ridiculous for words. Please brush it off.

Heather

Veteran

BM: When I am with a friend who stops to speak to other acquaintances while we are out together, I usually meet and greet; however, if there is gossip or a personal issue being discussed, I step aside from the conversation, too. I definitely do not think you were being rude or "stuck up," but simply providing space for a sensitive conversation.

Brush this silliness off and you be fabulous YOU!

Marley

Veteran

Good grief - this is just so ridiculous that I wouldn't even waste one minute of energy thinking about it. Just let it go and continue to be FAB you!

Elly

Veteran

Stuck up usually needs some sort of action to go along with it. I guess there are people that dress very nicely or expensively or fashionably that portray stuck up, but that usually has to do with actions and what they say about themselves, their style, and you.

I also think there is another type of stuck up out there and it can be appearance related. I generally find people who have developed some sort of extended relationship with another person or group yet are completely unable open up and show any part of themselves that is not entirely controlled and perfect as a way of always separating his or herself from the rest of us mere mortals. I find that there is a difference between having pride in your appearance and looking put together and/or appropriate or professional and lacking the humility to be able to put that (to an extent) aside. For example, I recently had a professor that took a group of students (from a tight knit community within the college, a group of students she had known and worked with for years, a group that had divulged personal information to her and each other as a part of her teaching and mentoring process) on a hiking trip. It was affiliated with the college but wasn't part of a course requirement so she wasn't officially in the role of anyone's instructor. This professor told the students to dress in hiking gear and in anticipation of mud and possibly snow. She essentially showed up in business clothing and slowed the group down a bit because of it, while the other university faculty and admins (at her level or lower than her) that attended all dressed down but were entirely appropriate. This same prof once canceled class rather than teach in clothing she had spilled part of a drink on.

Aunty

Veteran

My adored granny told me when I was a little girl " If you can't think of something nice to say, say NOTHING "
I do wish some people had been given the same advice!
You carry on being the fab person you are, never mind the other's!

biscuitsmom

Veteran

You all are SO kind! Thanks for telling me to just 'let it go' I am trying...replayed it in my head and just cant see it.... I just hope I dont run into her again! lol....Isis, He's just *that way* .....repeats nearly everything he hears! I often referred to him as 'the parrot' when I worked with him (for many years) he just doesnt understand any nuances-especially between women- at all. Hbaber, Im glad you do that too! Makes me feel better....I certainly didnt want to seem like I was eavesdropping/trying to 'butt in' their conversation...Meka, WTH? Ridiculous! Elly, I think you're right...I wish I could answer everyone *individually* who was kind enough to write, but that post would be SOO long then! lol

MsMary

Veteran

Here's something a wise person told me a long time ago that has stuck with me all these years: When somebody is unkind to me like Lady 2 was to you, I tell myself "This says way more about the other person than it does about me!" I think it's particularly true in this case -- we know you are a kind and lovely woman, so what we learn from this story is that Lady 2 is catty, indiscreet, and insecure!

It really helps me to repeat "This says way more about them than it does about me," and then just let it go.

Scarlet

Veteran

I agree with MaryK's first comment. This sounds to me a lot like Cileena's recent experience at the book club (at least I think it was Cileena...). Please don't worry your pretty head about it.

Lynne

Veteran

My thoughts echo Mary K's - this says something about this lady, and perhaps her reaction to seeing Steve with another female friend - than it does about you, BM. What a hurtful thing to say.....I do think there's more going on with her than we know; please do brush it off and be you!

Patty

Veteran

What a moron.

Jenava

(website)

Veteran

I would take that comment as a compliment. She was probably a little intimidated by how good you looked!

RandomThoughts (Andrea)

Veteran

I have never thought someone was pretentious or stuck up by the way they are dressed. Usually it's their demeanor or attitude. If you were quiet or somewhat disengaged the gal could have taken that, coupled with your outfit and arrived at that conclusion. I certainly do NOT mean to imply that she had cause, but only that many people interpret quiet or shy as snobby. When I used to be shy I got accused of that a lot.

People are weird. I'm sure someone out there has seen my tattoos and assumed I'm a criminal. Ah well. That's the chance we take when we leave the house. I'm sorry you had to hear this stupid comment but I would not worry about it.

Cilleena

Veteran

***Sighs. Yes. I've experienced very similar reactions on my appearance. What a catty thing for the lady to say! She was probably feeling hormonal and just projected her insecurities onto you. I'm sure you looked great and she felt jealous. She probably would have judged you on anything you wore.

By the way, are you a little shy at all? I'm a little shy and I frequently get people misjudging me for stuck up, when really it's just the shyness showing. Or the way you politely stepped back to let them converse. People interpret body mannerisms all kinds of ways based on their own life experiences and those may be completely incorrect.

thimblelina

(website)

Veteran

What a dreadful story! Rank pockets of girl-on-girl meanness, even when the "girls" are perimenopausal...

I have to cop to being extremely judgemental of women with lots of very visible plastic surgery enhancements, though. I would never actually come out and say it like your friend's acquaintance... But I know I avoid them at social gatherings, and probably would mentally pencil them off as unfit for further friendship if one were to strike up a conversation. Admitting it right now in this way makes me terribly uncomfortable. I sound like a really mean girl, don't I? I guess I just feel like it is a values question. Anyone outside of the entertainment industry who chooses to allocate tens of thousands of dollars that way just doesn't strike me as very interesting or imaginative. Plus there's the whole subprime quality of it (eg, "investing" in the infrastructure of the aging body that way seems like a terrible sort of malinvestment...)

So now you know I'm a mean girl! But I would never be so tacky as to put it right out there. And all the things you described going on outfitwise would just make me want to meet you more! L

Isabel

Veteran

BM, I am soooo sorry that this happened. We often assign character judgments to people via their clothing choices. I have to admit, this was a long standing fear of mine was I became a SAHM and felt people would judge me. That has not been the case for me, or at least no one has said anything about it. And since finding this site, I have felt free of that.

I completely agree with others. MaryK's point in particular. I actually feel sorry now for people who make those comments. I have very thick skin ( maybe one could call it denial ). Usually these are not personal comments ( though they seem it ) they would say it about anyone and they reflect the person gossiping. Studies have shown that people who gossip feel powerless and they give themselves power by believing that their judgment and opinions count. Or that they see things and have info that others don't.

And, again, like MaryK said, I don't understand Steve's need to tell you. My sister, who is mentally disabled, goes to a day program where the clients gossip like crazy. Sometimes she comes home upset about people gossiping about her ( she does tons of it herself ) so I ask, " what was the purpose of Susie saying that ?" She can never answer that. So maybe you need to ask Steve, what was the purpose of her saying that and how did you think it would make me feel ? ( I am assuming that neither Steve nor Lady #2 is mentally disabled.)

The end !

RoseandJoan

Veteran

I'm so sorry you had to experience this, I have no experience of this from a point the view of clothing (except I once overheard 'she must have money' LOL) but I worked hard as a teenager to overcome my shyness which was sometimes interpreted as stand off, aloof or snobby.

In this instance you behaved with dignity whilst the other lady has been incredibly rude. I hope you are okay.

biscuitsmom

Veteran

Cileena, yes, I would consider myself somewhat shy....especially around other women, but I did make eye contact several times with both ladies, nodded a lot, and made sympathetic comments to lady #1.....I dunno what went wrong. Like many have said, I think it's much more to do with her than me...thimbelina, NO WAY are you a 'mean girl'!!!! Even though you said you wouldnt strike up a friendship with women who have done extensive plastic surgery, I really feel that has more to do with finding 'common ground' and similar 'values' than anything else. Isabel, like others on this board, you are truly lovely in mind, body and spirit! I believe Steve really had no mean-spirited intent in repeating this, he's just 'all surface, no depth' when it comes to any kind of interaction....he actually *did* have some mental/emotional 'problems' in the past (been institutionalized twice since I met him roughly 15 yrs ago)...he is a 'good guy' at heart. The last time was about 4 yrs ago? He is a true *character* and a good friend. Ive helped him out several times, with small amounts of cash ($10-$20 here and there) and lots of rides to the Dr and grocery store, almost every week....DH is not too thrilled, but he's one of the very few friends I have around here....oh, Roseand Jones, I just read your post! Yes, Im fine! That was SO sweet....thanks for saying that!

Michelle

(website)

Veteran

Biscuitsmom, try and spin this into a complement, if you can. I knokw you often feel that your wardrobe lacks the fab factor and remember a recnet post where you were lamenting your lack of clothing options that made you look and feel great. Well, think of how terrific you must have looked to engender that much envy from a total stranger? Please try not to let these ridiculous comments get you down.

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