Etiquette: When to compliment - YouLookFab Forum

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Etiquette: When to compliment

Wayne

This is more of an etiquette question, but it is fashion related. I hope I can ask here, when is it appropriate to compliment someone on their outfit.

There was a woman in the grocery store today, probably in her 30s, maybe 5 feet away looking for something, as I was also. I found her outfit to be very lovely, a multi-colored striped blouse, grey jeans, and black flats. I was going to compliment her, but I chickened out. I was not trying to get a date, or pick her up, or anything. Heck, I'd probably never see her again, and I had no way of knowing if she was married, single, lesbian, whatever, nor did I care. I would have liked to have complimented her outfit.

If I may ask here, how would you have felt if I had said something like, "I hope it's okay to say that your outfit is lovely." Would this have creeped you out, or would a compliment from someone you never met before in a grocery store have made your day?

General

20 replies

Latest reply was from Ledonna N.

deb

Veteran

I always appreciate comments like this. Honestly, if you will never see this person again, why not compliment. It is so much better than a negative and much healthier for you

Janet

(website)

Veteran

I don't find that creepy. I've had random male strangers on the street (in a very urban setting) complimenting my outfit and I appreciate it. The remarks have mainly been things like "You look very nice today" or "That's a great outfit." I see no problem with that at all.

Anonymous

Quite frankly, it depends on the delivery, and your own appearance , as much as I hate to admit that. It's happened to me before , and I'm not really happy about it. It's just not appropriate to say that to someone you don't know. I suppose long as you deliver the compliment politely and respectfully and then move right along, it's not wrong ,per se, but never be surprised at any reaction you could get. Women don't live for male attention Especially at the grocery store.

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

VERY interesting.

I'm nodding along with Janet, Lisa and Deb.

In an urban setting surrounded by people - like on the street, in a shop or in a restaurant, I think it's a lot more appropriate. I enjoy a compliment from a strange man - especially when Greg my hubs is with me. I feel safe and not "creeped out" as you put it.

In the grocery store, I feel more "preyed upon" and question the motive of the man giving the compliment. But as Lisa suggests, delivery is important: "as long as you deliver the compliment politely and respectfully and then move right along..."

Jaime

(website)

Veteran

It is a delicate line between making someone's day, which a sincere compliment can do, and creeping them out, which a out of nowhere comment by a stranger can do. I don't think there are any hard and fast rules unfortunately.

BrieN

Veteran

The grocery would be tricky for this. Even if I heard a nice, non-creepy compliment in the produce section I would be wary that the guy might track me down 3 aisles over.

If you know it's totally said in passing it's easier to gracefully take the compliment.

Anonymous

I've been thinking about this a little more - and you know what's better ? A genuine smile . And nothing more . Why do you need her to know you appreciate her clothes ? A genuine smile , a nod and eye contact conveys something better

Anonymous

Wise advice here. I would have been upset (and, yes, very 'creeped out') by this in my 20s, 30s and 40s. Even if the intent is genuine and pure, we can't see or know that. As an older woman, I am less bothered by male strangers' compliments. I am past feeling there's anything behind them. Though if you do compliment a woman of my generation, please don't add 'for your age''. I am still capable of wielding a handbag with great force and less concerned with the consequences.

rachylou

Veteran

So...I wouldn't have liked all those words. Too much engagement there with 'I hope it's ok'... Goes beyond the outfit to complex social considerations. I think the best way is to make eye contact and say 'Great outfit' while on the move away from the woman. That's genuinely just about style. Frankly I'd do that myself as a woman complimenting another woman in the grocery. If you're in the checkout line and can't get away, just smile and stop talking.

Firecracker (Sharan)

Veteran

I agree with Rachylou. It's kind of sad but true that a compliment from one woman to another is received/perceived quite differently than a compliment delivered to a woman by a man. Never mind that the woman given the compliment or the one receiving it may be lesbian. It just doesn't seem entirely to be about sexuality, but perhaps more about traditional power roles or something.
Well, I'm way beyond my own understanding here, so I'll just say, a short, sweet "nice outfit!" or "what a great jacket!" -- even though it may not capture your appreciation for the whole look-- would be pretty easy to accept, and it would make me feel genuinely happy without making me second-guess the motives.

catgirl

Veteran

Hmmm. The thing I hate about this kind of interaction is that if I don't respond in kind (for whatever reason - I'm often excessively grumpy at the grocery store), it comes across as rude. And I don't always trust the motives of strange men, sad to say, at least in the grocery store. "Nice outfit" can seem too awkwardly close to "nice body" or "hey, hot stuff" (not that I consider myself a magnet for such comments, but in general).

Then again, one guy came up to me in the parking lot and asked me "if I was by any luck single". I was swathed in a frumpy down coat and winter boots. I said "Sorry, I'm married" (SEE? Sorry? Why sorry? Because I felt rude!). He said "No, I'm sorry, I just would never have forgiven myself for not asking. I hope he knows how beautiful you are." Then he smiled and walked away.

Only later did I realize it was Johnny Depp.

KIDDING! He was just some nice guy. He was outwardly normal and it was a public place, and he was honest about his intent. He made my day.

Not much help, I guess. Just don't be offended by off-kilter responses.

rabbit

Veteran

I agree with rachylou and Firecracker. I've been complimented in the grocery store by a guy who said 'nice outfit' and 'great shoes', but it didn't creep me out at all, partly because he was an employee wizzing by on an errand.

Actually most of the times I've been complimented by any stranger it's just one mention in passing like this, and they are usually in the process of moving past me on the street or through a door, unless they are a salesperson or something. I guess this takes it from being an 'interaction' to a freely given no strings compliment. I usually say thanks and that's it.

Thinking about it more I think I'd feel much more self-conscious and maybe uncomfortable if it was a guy and I felt I was wearing something that skewed particularly feminine or sexy on my way to some event or something. But for everyday clothes I would feel the compliment was more about the clothes (safe) then my person (unsafe/unwelcome)

Wayne

That's why I "chickened out", I didn't want her to feel creepy. But, then again, I don't want someone else to pass up the chance to receive a genuine compliment. That's why I am asking.

This was around 6:00 on a weekday afternoon, by the way, not at night or an off-peak time.

Wayne

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Anonymous

Wayne, while I can't deny that this is a complex issue, I just want to say that I find it sad that it must be this complex in the first place. You sound like a really sweet guy, and it was wonderful of you to notice her outfit and to want to say something about it. It was also wise of you to wonder how it might be taken by your recipient. Under precisely the right circumstances, I'm certain it would have made her day. But who knows what those circumstances would truly be? Anyway, just wanted to add that I wish the world were different in so many, many ways. And thank you for being kind.

Anonymous

I've received compliments from strangers before, some of them men, and I just say thank you and leave it at that. I try not to read anything into it other than that they want to compliment me. That said, it does depend on the voice inflections and body language of the person complimenting me. There are non-verbal cues that might make me feel a bit uncomfortable. It's sad that the world is this way.

Ginger

Veteran

Everything Andrea said. I've seen discussions like this before, and the overwhelming conclusion is that there is no way to voice a genuine compliment that will be taken as intended by all people at all times. As with all other human interactions, you have no control over what the other person thinks. All that you can control is your own words, actions, and thoughts. By asking this question, here on YLF, you're demonstrating the genuineness of your intent. I think that most people would receive a thoughtfully-worded compliment well, so I personally encourage you to try in the right situations. Be prepared - you have no idea how the other person will receive it or react. It may be just the word they needed to help make it through a hard day; or it may be taken as an insult. Remember that it's not about you. You are giving it as a gift, without expecting anything in return.

texstyle

(website)

Veteran

I don't think it would be welcomed in a grocery store - too "personal" (you know, like I have to shop here all the time and now this strange guy might be stalking me...).

una cracked me up!

Sally

Veteran

I have never had any stranger compliment me on my outfit. I once had a complete stranger compliment me on my tantrum handling skills in a supermarket. My son 5 was about to have a melt down but ended up loading the groceries on to the checkout while I went off to look for something. As I was leaving the supermarket, a man I'd never seen before came up and said"I just have to tell you that that was amazing back there". A friend said he was probably on the pick up but I thanked him and he walked off.

Ledonna N.

Veteran

I would rather receive a compliment than a hard stare. I've had both men and women come up to me and do either. I think it is in the delivery.