Etiquette question re: thank you and sympathy cards

I got married in May and am only just getting around to doing my thank you cards. I know, I know... and I feel like I should also explain that my husband did his a while ago, so I have nobody to blame but myself. Anyway, lateness aside, I find myself with a strange dilemma.

You see, I have waited so long that someone has died. Granted, it was a surprise (he was diagnosed with an aggressive, inoperable brain tumor and was dead less than a month later.) He was a friend of my parents'. So, how in the world do I make out the thank you card to his wife? I feel like I need to acknowledge the fact that he has died and I am sorry about that. Do I also send a sympathy card? Or would it be OK to write in the thank you note something like: "Thanks for coming to my wedding and thanks for the gift. It was great to see you and I'm glad I got the chance to see X. one last time. I'm terribly sorry to hear of his passing." That seems a little... I don't know, flippant maybe. If I send two separate cards, should I send them with some time between them? In what order?

So, my dear YLF etiquette mavens, please advise me! I am really perplexed about how to handle this.

12 years ago

RoseandJoan

Veteran

In this instance I would forget about the cards and write a letter which expands on the words above.

Diana

I guess I should add that I don't know them terribly well. I interacted with them quite a bit as a child (since they did things with my parents a lot) but hadn't seen or talked to either of them until my wedding for probably 15 years. I'm not sure I know them well enough to fill a letter.

MsMary

I think you have a good start for a nice note (not a card -- just a short note on nice paper) to the widow. If you have any candids of them from the reception, it might be nice to include one because it may well be the last photos of him.

Yes ditto Mary K

Suz

(website)

What Mary said. What an unfortunate situation!

Caro in Oz

I agree with MK.

Gaylene

I, too, like MaryK's approach. I think this situation is unusual enough to warrant focusing more on your appreciation and happiness at their being present for your wedding than just the normal thanking someone for a gift. If you put yourself into her position, write what you would appreciate hearing from someone under these difficult circumstances.

kellygirl

That's awkward. I like MaryK's advice too. So great to have so many intelligent ladies around here! I learn so much!

Thank you, Mary (and everyone). I think your solution sounds perfect. I knew someone here would have the answer!

I recall once that an old BF of mine who kept in touch with my parents after we broke up sent an invitation/card announcing both his upcoming wedding and the miscarriage of their child. My stepmom found it really weird to be sent as a 'combo' considering the very different vibes (celebration vs grief).
I'm terrible with this kind of stuff but would think a handwritten note would be good. No theme either way as either a thank you card or condolence, rather more personalized to your situations.

OK, how is this? I just came up with it right now, will probably tweak some stuff later. These things are hard to write, so awkward!

dear ---,

I wanted to write to say that I am terribly sorry to hear of ---'s passing. It seems like it was so sudden and unexpected, and it seems like only yesterday that I saw you at my wedding. I'm so glad now that I got the chance to see him one last time in May, and that J. got the chance to meet him. I hope that both of you enjoyed the day. I still remember fondly the good times we all had when I was a child, and the wonderful gifts he used to make for us. I hope you are hanging in there, given the circumstances. I'm thinking of you.

With much love,
Diana

Lyn D.

Sounds good, and perhaps a reference to their Wedding gift could be added somewhere too.
I am sure the widow will be very touched!

That's very nice, and I second the suggestion to add a brief thank you for the wedding gift.

I'd put a paragraph break after "J. got the chance to meet him." Then add "I will think of him every time we use [insert wedding gift description here]." Then a paragraph break, then "Thank you so much for your generousity in the midst of everything you've been dealing with." before "I hope you are hanging in there," and then close as you've got it already.

Nicely done!

Freckles

Glad you got it all sorted Diana. How terribly sad.

Thanks. Will add note about the gift. What would I do without you, YLF??? (especially MaryK! I dub thee Queen Etiquette!)

goldenpig

Diana, that sounds like a lovely note, glad MaryK has you all sorted. I totally sympathize. Baby is 6 months and I still haven't sent out birth announcements or thank you notes for his presents or even Christmas cards from last Christmas. Ugh! It's horrible! I feel so guilty and it weighs on me every day but I'm so busy because I'm working all day, then getting the kids fed and in bed and then the baby is up a lot at night. I get so tired and fall asleep right after I nurse DS to sleep. I need to get the birth announcement and thank you notes sent out before he is a year old, it's getting ridiculous.

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