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Emotions and shopping

bj1111

Veteran

Tl,dr navel gaze-y. How do I stop shopping when I love everything I buy?
—-
So unlike the rest of the world, I have been shopping up a storm during the lockdown.

I would like to slow my roll. Wearing something out is not a goal and I consider an item having been a good buy if I wear it only 5 times but felt great and appropriately dressed rap at tracking conferences.

I am receiving yet another shipment which I kinda regret buying. Then I review what I actually bought and I get a shiver of delight at each item!

No solution (is it even a problem)?

Anyhoo, the ups man is at the door.

Shopping

32 replies

Latest reply was from Jenni NZ

Zaeobi

(website)

Veteran

Well I guess, at the end of the day, the answer is going to be subjective - so long as the number of clothes you have works for your closet (i.e. enough storage space), your budget (no buying shoes only to eat ramen for the rest of the month lol), your lifestyle (I like to duplicate etc because I hate laundry bottlenecks lol), & your personality (I like a variety of colour, which usually means more clothes) then I say, why not? Just remember to note down the return windows for your parcels somewhere, so you don't get caught out by differing policies (or having to plan your trips down to the post office), lol

I also started shopping online a lot more during the protests then COVID, & found I've actually become much better at buying what I need & will actually use as a result (~2 years ago I used to return most of what I bought, but these days I can make very few returns (if any) for each parcel I receive). Even my recent shoe haul (posted on the forum) shows that my biggest doubts are about 1 out of the 4 shoes I bought. And that's from a B&M shop (not being able to try them on with the rest of my closet)!

Synne

Veteran

Do you want to stop shopping? Or do you feel like you should want to? I have found so much great motivation on YouTube recently. I don't have Netflix or anything, but am watching videos on slow-shop, minimalism, decluttering
and cleaning. Maybe some inspiration waiting there?

Janet

(website)

Veteran

I’m not sure I have any advice for you because frankly I love shopping as recreation. I find it less pleasurable when I need something specific because it too often proves elusive. I do better when I chance upon something that later on proves to be a workhorse! So I’m following along...

cat2

Veteran

You seem like an ideal candidate for a clothing and a jewelry rental service; that way you always have something new, and you don’t need to store or dispose of a ton of stuff.

rachylou

Veteran

Why do you regret buying your current delivery? And what do you do with items that have gone past the 5-wears mark?

Maybe this has just been a good shopping year for you! Some years the times seem to meet my style, and others not so much.

I’ll admit tho, I’ve been reading how much we need to reduce emissions - the world needs a 7% reduction in economic activity every year for the next ten years to avoid catastrophic climate change and another giant state-sized chunk of Antarctic ice just broke into the sea... which is a lot of methane up. So there’s that... (!)

Anonymous

It's not necessarily problematic unless:
1. It causes debt/financial hardship. No clothes are worth paying 30% interest on top of their cost.
2. It causes conflict with household members. Clothes are not worth arguing about!
3. You are running out of space in your existing storage. If you're buying more containers to house your shopping, time to reconsider.
4. Your size is changing. Don't buy a lot if you're actively gaining or losing weight.

Jonesy

Veteran

I saw on another thread that you have been buying from TheRealReal; is that the main source of your shopping? I am asking because I too have become besotted with the amazing deals to be had there! I used to love thrifting, but now I get the same thrill from browsing TRR, and I am finding lots of stuff irresistible. Beautiful, high-quality, inexpensive, relatively eco-conscious because it is discarded--what's not to love? Additionally, we just ended 8 years of austerity in our household (two kids heading to college, so we were saving everything we could for their 529 accounts), so now I can spend a little bit again, and it feels great!

It also feels hopeful and optimistic somehow, to be looking to the future and actually wearing interesting clothes outside of the house (e.g., we went out to eat this week, saw an outdoor concert last night, and will celebrate a dear friend's 50th bday this weekend--more excitement than I've had in the past 14 months!). So....I guess I'm not being very helpful to you if you are looking to slow down your shopping :)! I can relate and maybe it's not so bad, given what we have all been through?

But I agree with the previous comments, and Suntiger's checklist seems helpful. I am super-duper picky about what I buy and keep, so that I don't overdo it and end up with lots of lovely stuff I can't possibly wear. And I just donated lots of clothes from a holding zone, stuff that I've had for up to ten years but just wasn't going to wear again, so that helps balance the scales a bit. Maybe you could consider a one in, one out policy for certain things? E.g., I have lots of silk button downs which I only wear for work, so I have a loose one in, one out policy for those, since I really don't need any more.

Janet

(website)

Veteran

Jonesy, I agree that one-in, one-out definitely helps! When I buy something new, I have to find a hanger or shelf space for it. And I gave away a bunch of excess hangers after my last edit so I would not be tempted to fill them back up. This is helping me stay in check a bit.

I also think this is a time when a lot of us are celebrating things opening back up a bit.

Anonymous

Just speaking for myself here. I love the (alas, temporary) serotonin rush I get when that box of new stuff arrives. But when that inner voice starts objecting, I know it's time to dial back the shopping activity. That voice is never wrong, and I always listen to it.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

I like what Jonesy said. And Suntiger.

bj1111

Veteran

so many good thoughts and potential solutions:

@synne: I would like to at least slow down and not be quick-draw macgraw on buying. but i get such regret when something sells out! especially on the realreal, where it appears on my wishlist with a big SOLD sign.

@Zaeobi: There was period where I completely lost track of the return window and missed a few. Now I have two sizes of everlane jacket and pants, none of which i want and want to give away.

@cat2: considered rental, but the range of stuff is not to my taste and as with housing, I prefer owning to renting.

@Janet and @Jonesy: you are my shopping people. I love to browse and try-on. I have finally had to implement one-in/one-out and it is helping. Then I discover more clothes/shoes hiding in a previously undiscovered nook! I don't want to stop shopping, but I think I should slow down. If only so mr bj1111 won't lose his mind with the pile of boxes.

@Rachylou: the saving-the-polar-bears concern does weigh on me. especially the amazon thing. i have rationalized my choice to be child-free as being environmentally friendly, but it doesn't help when my purchases do a return trip back to the warehouse.

you guys are so wise!

Synne

Veteran

"but i get such regret when something sells out! especially on the realreal, where it appears on my wishlist with a big SOLD sign." Oooh, keep in mind that the app is designed that way, it is pure emotional manipulation! I would be so angry!! R. Cialdini deals with this topic in "Influence ". To get people to spend their money you have to persuade their feelings... business rule #1.

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cat2

Veteran

Maybe set a target number for the month? I have in the past liked the concept of trying to get what I want or need while still staying on budget, because then I think I am more creative in finding deals and prioritizing. I am giving myself a year of shopping for casual pieces without judgment and then I am going to set new targets.

bj1111

Veteran

@synne, the irony is my field is behavioral change so it is particularly galling that my brain is a monkey's

JAileen

Veteran

If you feel bad about your purchases, then yes, it’s a problem. As for wears, I don’t keep track. I don’t throw my old clothes away, I donate everything (except underwear and worn out shoes) to the non profit I belong to. Things at our thrift store are bought by three types of shoppers: 1) needy people getting nice things that they can afford, 2) resellers, and 3) middle income people looking for a bargain. I’ve been working there and seen my donations being bought. It makes me feel good.

Re shipping things: yes, that’s a problem. I mostly buy things from Macy’s, and save up my returns, and return them in person. Several years ago I remember Arianna Huffington talking about being green. My husband mentioned that her house was something like five times the size of our house.

Jenni NZ

Veteran

I like all my clothes too, which is why my wardrobe originally got much bigger than I could manage. Being really really strict about what I would wear has helped and not felt like denying myself, because I can still buy a smaller number of new things that make me very happy as well as satisfied that I am wearing them a lot.
I wouldn’t personally be satisfied with 5 wears. Like my mother of the bride dress has only had 3 wears in the past 2 years and I am not satisfied with that, although not unhappy to see it in my wardrobe since it was perfect for the occasion.

Synne

Veteran

JAileen...And celebs and politicians flying their private jets to climate conferences...
I'm no better bj1111, but I like to think I am letting my self be manipulated wide eyed and willing! Or something....

Minaminu

Veteran

it looks like you are enjoying your purchases and are happy with it

Maybe keeping track of every purchase/emotion could give you a sense of control of the spending and help you see if there is any link with your emotions.

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

I echo what Suntiger, Jonesy, Janet and Suz said

bj1111, I totally get the joy and fun involved when shopping. It's an utter delight when you find something you love, and wear it with a happy heart. It's all sorts of AWESOME, and especially as the world opens back up.

A wardrobe has to be big enough to service your needs, and small enough to manage and store. I think your question boils down to waste, and how you feel about that. Waste means different things to different people, so there is no model answer or behaviour. Just your personal goals and beliefs, and how you want to put them into practice. Do you want to spend X amount of money, time, energy, resources, carbon emissions on your wardrobe? Would you rather spend some of that on something else? Worth soul searching a little about.

It does sound like you want to cut back a bit on the shopping, so setting yourself some type of monthly budget, or the amount of items you are allowed to buy in a season can work well.

Also, making sure you know exactly what you have before you commit to new items is a good thing

Style Fan

Veteran

The forum members are wise and kind. I love looking at beautiful clothes. Even better if they are delivered to my house!

Sal

Veteran

I think we all like style here on the forum..... I love the feeling of something new and exciting to wear that brings me joy.....

When I feel like my consumption is ahead of where I want it to be I either put a challenge in place (no shopping for a month or two months etc) or until I have completed a goal.

I am considering that for June as I have shopped a lot this year too. One mistake I think (worn twice - a second hand purchase) and three things bought out of season that I am yet to wear (but hopeful). I am thinking of some sort of 30x30 or similar for a bit of fun!!

Jaime

(website)

Veteran

There are so many great comments above! I definitely hear you about theRealReal. The issue of buying and returning is complicated. If you go to a shop it usually just means the clothes were flown in from somewhere to the shop instead of to you - and in bulk before anyone has even expressed an interest. And how did you get to the shop? Is all consumption inherently problematic? Etc. Ultimately for me, some sort of constraints are very helpful (budgetary, space or number limitation, etc.).
Too much freedom can be oppressive .

Echo

Veteran

I am with Janet. I love shopping as recreation, and I find the best things when I am not actively looking for something. I think you might be looking for a solution to something that's not a problem. If you can afford it and love the things you buy, it's all good. I can think of worse hobbies...

Jessikams

(website)

Veteran

Interesting thread. Sometimes I wish I had a smaller wardrobe because I get a bit stressed at the thought of the clothes I am not wearing enough. BUT I have spent several big chunks of time away from my wardrobe because of family emergencies or unexpected relocations— one time an entire year!— and having a suitcase wardrobe reeeeeealllyyy sucked. Never the right thing to wear for the occasion or the weather. So I guess it’s all about finding ideal wardrobe size. I know some people have a “Holding zone” that is not intended as a place for soon-to-be-donated clothes, but rather just storage, where they can “shop” if body size or hair color or style changes.

Liesbeth

Veteran

'the irony is my field is behavioral change so it is particularly galling that my brain is a monkey's' -> you crack me up :).
I notice that some things I love no longer get worn when I have too many alternatives. That's when I get reallycritical about new purchases. As for the FOMO: maybe try and think of past items on your wishlist that you didn't buy and whether you ever think of them again once a couple of weeks/months have passed. Odds are you don't miss the item at all. Though I also shop a bit more than I like, mindfulness and realizing that all things pass - the desire for an item as well as the adrenaline rush when you do get it - helps somewhat.

cat2

Veteran

If you really want to understand this, there are scientific publications on what they call shopping addiction (kind of weird terminology given no pair of shoes has ever killed anyone), that describe the brain chemistry here.

LaPed

Veteran

I feel this! I’d anticipated a slow year, but retail is full of things that appeal to me and work for my body type. This is a rarity and it’s prompted me to look somewhat more critically at my existing wardrobe: are there things that I’ve been making do with for several years but don’t enjoy wearing very much? Low rise pants are big one, along with shorter-than-ideal dresses/skirts. Not a strict one-in one-out, but more a matter of accepting that there are pieces in my wardrobe that honestly aren’t as comfortable/flattering/“me” as some of my newer additions from the past six months. I don’t feel so bad passing along things that pulled their weight for several years (or more) and simply don’t feel relevant anymore.

Renee P

I can relate to shopping more with certain emotional states. I really have to watch myself at times, too. I have learned to scout out things during the first go-round at some stores. Then I look at my closet to see if anything I saw can fill holes that I have in my wardrobe. I also really make sure that the outfits are truly flattering on my body and not wishful thinking.

Sloper

Veteran

I enjoy fashion and shopping AND buying. I can always find something!

I have my own weaknesses, and know that it can become easy for me to shop/buy when I'm stressed, bored, in denial, as a reward, etc. Gosh, almost every emotion it seems!! I'm a loner and enjoy going to the mall by myself and wandering around. I like the visual stimulation and am easily triggered to buy.

Of course this is not infinitely sustainable - money, space, actual needs.

If I have to get really hard-core with myself, I have to go cold-turkey!
The most effective way for me to stop buying is to stop shopping - i.e. to eliminate "fashion" and the visual stimulation as much as possible. Just to stop looking.

Sigh.

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