OK, I'm back. Sorry for the delay. You've got tons of good advice already, but I really wanted to respond because I'm a mere couple of years ahead of you on this, and I can SO relate. Here are my thoughts, in no particular order:
1. I really like what Deb said! She has a bit more life experience than me, and what she says reflects what I've heard from other women of her age. 40 is only fabulous in Hallmark cards. In real life, it's usually a difficult transitional time, for completely understandable reasons. Rest assured that the 60-something women with whom I've discussed this topic say that it gets better. Often our 40s are our toughest years.
2. The loss of paid work, and the sense of identity that goes with it, was a way bigger deal for me than I had anticipated. I didn't adore my job, although I liked aspects of it, so when we had to opportunity to move to California for my husband's job, I was fully on board. I saw it as a great adventure. I loved the first year; I went back to college, I met new friends, and generally had a good time. Then I had a baby. I did NOT foresee two crucial things: one, that early motherhood is very isolating if you don't have a support network or a job to go back to; and two, becoming fully financially dependent on your husband can slowly erode your sense of self-worth. Sad but true. Some women seem to be able to quit paid work forever and it doesn't worry them, but others need a career, not only for the paycheque, but for their sense of personal identity. I'm one of the latter, and perhaps you are, too.
3. Neither position is better from a philosophical standpoint -- i.e., there is nothing inherently better about being a career woman or a full-time caregiver (which is essentially what a SAHM is) -- but from a practical standpoint, I'm with MsMary. You're taking a gamble if you get yourself into a position where you can't support yourself and your children. So I'm glad to hear that you're sending out resumes.
4. I'm a total hypocrite in saying all this, because I too stayed home for the good of my family for ten years. Once we moved back to Canada, I could have gone back to work as a science teacher, and in fact that would have been totally do-able despite my husband's long work hours, because it's one of the few careers you can have that can be part time. However, I had other ambitions, so it made more sense to stay home until they were both in school.
5. I am so much happier now that I'm back at university. I'm also exhausted a lot of the time -- I won't lie! -- and always feel a bit under the gun trying to meet everyone's needs. But I wouldn't give it up for anything. I feel a sense of purpose, and a connection to a community outside of my home.
6. I disagree with A about volunteering a couple of hours a week. Volunteer work, while invaluable to society in general, isn't going to cut it if you really want to develop a sense of purpose (the possible exception being if you do something extreme like joining the Peace Corps and doing relief work in the Philippines). I believe it's important for all of us to give back in some way, but if you're anything like me, the volunteer work has to be in addition to whatever else you do for work.
7. Make time for the good friends you have. I know you and your friends are all busy with young families and jobs (and perhaps ailing parents too), but if you let friendships peter out, you can't always get them back. Some friendships will fall by the wayside and that's OK, but decide which friends you want to keep, and make sure you find time to see them. I can't stress this enough. Sometimes it feels like one more thing on the list of stuff you have to do, but I swear, you won't regret it.
8. After all this depressing talk about how hard our 40s can be, I just want to add that it can be fun, too. Stressful? Sure. Exhausting? Sometimes. But it's a pivotal decade where you can learn to use the stressors in your life to help you narrow down what you want to do with the rest of it. Because that's the other thing I noticed about turning 40: I suddenly understood, on a gut level, that I am going to die. This realization gave me a lot more focus in terms of seizing opportunities of all kinds -- opportunities for joy, opportunities for learning, opportunities for connecting.
9. PM me anytime if you like.
