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Dressing to fit in?

Hil

(website)

Veteran

I am not sure if this is so much a style musing as a self esteem/confidence musing.

I used to find, when dressing for an occasion or event, that I often wanted to dress to fit in with the people who would be there. Whilst I longed to be authentic and confident in my own style (of which I was uncertain), I would spend ages anticipating what certain people would be wearing and whether I could emulate them in some way. An example... there is a certain member of my husband's family who I think is absolutely gorgeous. She is extremely stylish, very classic with quite a preppy style. When getting ready for big family events I often used to try and style myself according to outfits that I had seen her wear. The fact is I don't think I have a particularly classic or preppy style.

I think I have become more confident in who I am as I have gotten older and as a result, I stress far less about that sort of thing now. I wear what I have and what I like and what makes me feel good. I feel more authentically me now in my mid thirties than I used to and this is one of the reasons I actually love getting older. Sometimes that old habit comes back though...

Today, for example, I have an appointment to meet a potential client who I know by reputation to be an extremely arty, eccentric, out there woman. I would love this woman as a client and when I was approached my first thought was what would I wear - that I am probably too conservative for her and that may put her off. Sense, and some good friends, reminded me that the best me is myself and that is what I am striving to do, but I was a little curious at observing the old habit rearing it's head as soon as the nerves kicked in.

Anyone have any thoughts or experiences surrounding this? I'd love to hear them.

General

16 replies

Latest reply was from Suz

Anonymous

Firstly, well done you You are an attractive lady with a great style and being you is the best person to be.
Yes I do still get this feeling about myself, but you are right about getting older. I think you do become a bit more comfortable in your own skin. I am a bit more comfortabele with 'me' now.
A couple of years ago I was friends with a lady who had quite a strong personality and who could be rather loud in her manner. I felt myself trying to be a bit like her and she also tried to get me to wear clothes that didn't feel like me. The were a lot of other issues in our friendship such as her being very needy and also narcissistic and the upshot is that I ended the friendship. something that I had never done before and I have other fab friends who I've known for many years, so it's not like me to do such a thing.
Since ending the frienship I was able to see her for what she was and also me for who I am and I feel like I have blossomed since and happy to be me. I also think YLF has helped.. A lot
Be yourself, always Hil.

Anonymous

That's an awesome realization Hil. I think I finally get the saying that it's better to be a first rate version of yourself than a second rate version of someone else. I've had a similar experience to you, but you made your self-discovery a lot earlier than I did, so good for you! I like what you said about longing to be authentic to your own style, but you didn't know what that was yet. You have to figure that out first, don't you? I think YLF is helping a lot of people do just that.

You'll do well in your own confident style at your meeting today. Who knows? Maybe Ms. Arty/eccentric likes to hire conservative looking people that she can count on to get the job done. Good luck!

Hil

(website)

Veteran

I am glad to know I am not the only one who has gone through this! I like to think I am a work in progress! And I think my meeting went well

MsMary

Veteran

So happy your meeting went well, Hil!

For work I pretty much have a "uniform" of pencil skirt, top, jacket, and heels, which makes it easy to be myself at all times. I can tone it down or punch it up with colors, fabrics, and accessories, according to what's going on on a given day. Outside of work, I also count on my various "capsules" to see me through for casual or dressy occasions with my own sense of style intact.

That said, I think we all dress to fit in to a certain extent, and I don't think there's anything particularly wrong with that. Over the weekend I went to a fancy brunch at a fancy country club, and I definitely put a good deal of thought into putting together a "ladies who lunch" outfit for the occasion. As long as we don't throw our own style out the window in order to fit in, I think it's all good.

unfrumped

Veteran

Good job! I second Mary K also--ideally have the best of both worlds, in which one is authentic but can also be "strategic" about dressing for certain occasions or people. The key is for purposeful or strategic dressing to feel intentional, that it's our choice and are not stressed out over meeting someone else's expectations.

T-Rex

Veteran

I think wanting to fit in is quite common and understandable. I had the same urge when I was younger, but was more likely to go the opposite direction and wear something I knew wouldn't fit in, almost as a dare to the others to accept me no matter what. Of course, that didn't work. But it was a stage that I had to go through in order to develop my own sense of self. Today, I still have moments of fashion defiance. Maybe. I need to think on this more. If I do, I have a lot less riding on it, if that makes sense. The people who love me are going to love me, the people who don't love me aren't going to start, and I know there are a handful of people in my circle of friends and acquaintances who are likely to appreciate what I'm wearing and/or at least appreciate the fact that I was willing to give it a try.

I think the fact that you recognize the urge to fit in, and that you know where it comes from is a sign that you are continuing to become your own person. And just because you think you are past it, then realize that you aren't yet, doesn't mean that you haven't made a great deal of progress. Growing into ourselves isn't a straight line. It's normal to have moments when we are "back there again". Seeing it for what it is, regardless of how far past it we thought we were, is a sign of maturity.

rachylou

Veteran

I think "consistency in advertising" is one of the most important things. When the outer and inner you don't match, people don't like it. They get unnerved. And if things are really bad, they feel misled and cheated. It was one of my personal goals when I started on YLF to be more consistent and clear about the *whole* me in terms of my dress presentation.

I'll give you an example. My family once retained this lawyer. When he met me, he told me that I must take after my dad because I seemed so laid back (and my mom wears her combat boots to bed, so to speak). I was always a very sweet dresser in formal situations. Anyways, I think he thought he could tell me what to do (whereas my mom told him what to do). Which for the most part was true, I was there to take advice... up until the point where he told me to do something that I didn't approve of. When he pushed - and pushed - I cut him off at the knees, and he said, "Oh. I see your mother in you now." Lol.

But also sometimes, you see another person whose look is so fab you want to try, because it's just that fab. I have a preppy-fab cousin, too. I really quite envy her, to look so amazing in cords, pullover, and Hermes scarf. I'm pretty sure I'd look like a schlumpy professor in that get-up. A male one with a pot belly. Lol.

Oh, but I have to tell you, when we were little we had a number of outfits that were the same - maybe differing only in colour. Like this quilted I. Magnin dress for little girls. Or monogrammed jumpers. I don't think I looked the pot-bellied professor then... but it's astonishing how different we looked wearing the exact same thing. I think my preppiness is tainted with some sloane ranger; she's pure prep...

Marlene

Veteran

I have wondered about this issue as well...do I change my outfits depending on who I was seeing? When I was younger, I did. I think that was when I was struggling with my clothing persona. Now at the "old" age of 49, I have settled on what I want to project and wear that all the time. HOWEVER...I do make adjustments to be APPROPRIATE depending on the situation. I'm still me...just fitting in a little better.

lyn*

(website)

Veteran

I also think that to a certain extent, fitting in is good - I remember Angie saying in one of her blog posts that she dresses according to the type of client she is going to see that day

I hope you are still able to incorporate some of your fab personal flare, though!

Anonymous

I used to be very unsure of myself when dressing for various occasions. The get-togethers put on by DH's place of work really scared me. Most women were always dressed very expensively in designer outfits. I felt dumpy no matter what.
On the other hand, I really needed to tone it down when visiting my parents in a small town. Once a high-school girl told me that she knew I was not from around there because I had clean hair!

Echo

Veteran

I think MaryK was spot on. There is nothing wrong with considering your company, the venue, the event, etc. when you decide what to wear. Fitting in matters for a lot of things, and is a perfectly legitimate thing to consider. But we also need to be true to who and what we are so that we feel comfortable and confident. Other people can sense when we are uncomfortable, I think, and that affects their perceptions (which certainly does matter, especially in a work-related meeting or event). None of us live in a vacuum.

Hil

(website)

Veteran

I totally agree that one has to always dress in a way that is appropriate to an occasion and venue within the parameters of a certain style or combination of styles.

For me, the challenge has been to realise that people like and accept me for me, and not what I look like or what I wear. And learning to that myself for the same reasons others do... And trying to be comfortable in my skin.

Thanks for all the great thoughts on this! I have loved reading them!

rachylou

Veteran

the challenge has been to realise that people like and accept me for me, and not what I look like or what I wear

You know, Hil... It occurs to me that understanding and acceptance often comes with age. We are so judgemental when we are young toward ourselves and others.

And then there's the matter of personality types. My dd was one of those girls whose friends all dressed a like, and they'd make over girls new to their clique like they were starring in Clueless. Having a daughter like this made me realise how hardwired this sort of thing is. The downside is it is shallow and the new girl will be lobbying her parents for different clothes and a new backpack. The upside is these girls can organize, coordinate, and mobilize large numbers of people like you wouldn't believe. There's kinda something about being effective in that way and uniformity of dress that goes hand in hand.

Well, just some mental meanderings.

Aziraphale

Veteran

I usually go for a happy balance. You want to be yourself, but no one wants to look like a loon.

For an event, I do anticipate what others are wearing -- Is it a client meeting? Is it a black tie evening? Is it a casual summer barbecue? Might a child accidentally wipe ketchup on my pants? -- and then I wear something that both works for my personal style and fits within the event's sartorial parameters.

marit

I try to dress appropriately for the event - especially something like interviews, or weddings, etc. I still have a few lines I won't cross! On the other hand, though, I spent many years thinking I shouldn't care about fashion - that I didn't have the money, that I wasn't attractive anyway, that I didn't want to be so "girlie" and care about "shallow" things - and wore baggy t-shirts and jeans and drab colors. But this - "I feel more authentically me now in my mid thirties than I used to and this is one of the reasons I actually love getting older." YES. So much this. That is how I feel right now. I wear color, and I am a little flashy sometimes, and a little too casual, and a little too teenage, and that is all perfectly okay. I understand the feeling of wanting to adapt to others' expectations because I've spent my life doing this, but I also understand the overriding feeling of just wanting to be yourself and express yourself.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

It sounds like as you are growing older you are gaining the confidence to be yourself, Hil, and to trust your own instincts about what suits you and how you want to present yourself. That is wonderful news! I agree that aging makes this easier somehow. As Rachy said, younger people tend to be more critical -- both of others, and ourselves. We're like wine -- we mellow with age! But also get stronger....