Dressing for yourself, others or both? - YouLookFab Forum

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Dressing for yourself, others or both?

Karina

I've been thinking lately about the difference between dressing to please others (to fit in or fit a mold) versus dressing to evoke reassurance or calm in others. While I do not want to disappear, I also do not want to speak too loudly with my clothing. This is a personal preference and possibly related to my season of life.

As a MOTG I have found that when I am out with my kids and dealing with the inevitable chaos, people around me tend to respond with more patience and tact when I am dressed in a way that is pulled together. When I project an aura of calm competence, it seems that others pick up on that and give me the space I need to deal with toddler tantrums with grace. If I'm wearing grungy clothes and no makeup, I appear incompetent. (Which is, of course, unfair because maybe I was up all night with a sick child, competently caring for them. However, people aren't responding consciously but subconsciously to my appearance.) I've also noticed that if I feel overdressed for the situation or dressed too youthfully I am also treated with less patience, as if I am out of touch or naive.

I know this is true of virtually all walks of life. There is a range of what is considered appropriate and if you are too far outside that range on one side or the other, you have to work harder to gain respect. Clothing and personal appearance go a long way toward communicating to others how I would like to be treated and how I would like to interact with them. One perspective would say, "that's not fair, you should be able to dress how you like." More recently, I've been thinking that clothing and personal appearance are a wonderful shortcut for someone like me who is an introvert and prefers to communicate in more subtle ways. In my own style journey, I find I swing back and forth on the pendulum of wanting to express myself vs. wanting to harmonize with my surroundings.

I am interested in hearing others' perspectives on this. How much do you think about not just pleasing others, but influencing their perception of you and interactions with you? If you do think about this, what is your goal in how you want others to treat you and how do you go about creating that atmosphere while still being true to your own style sensibilities?

Dressing

22 replies

Latest reply was from chadya

Caro in Oz

Veteran

I think what you say is true - people respond to us based on visual clues & sending ones that make our lives easier is a great way to look at clothing. For me the question of how much I want to conform to the unconscious expectations of others & how much I want to please myself really depends on my circumstances. When I worked it was pretty much a given that I would "fit in" in a way that still made me feel okay about myself. Now I'm retired I would say I please myself a lot more. The other thing I know for sure is there will always be people who judge you negatively no matter how you dress. So you may as well have fun I thought this was really interesting -

http://shopquotidienne.blogspo.....lf-up.html

Kristin L

Veteran

It depends on the situation. I'm an introvert like you. At work, I try to dress more for the job I want, so I try to dress up a little more than necessary. I like it when a few of my coworkers comment on my outfit, like when I get a thumbs up for an awesome dress. But, that's also comes with its own risk. I have gotten a little wierded out when one of my male coworkers started asking odd questions about why I dress like I do.

I'm not sure if I really dress to please other people, including DF. I think I may unconsciously, but it could be my style that got in interested in talking to me and realizing I'm a pretty cool person. I will say that I have noticed that if I walk into a store still in my work clothes I feel like SAs are much more likely to help me than if I had walked in wearing my grad student uniform.

dustt

Veteran

I do both - I dress to make myself feel good and at times dress for others in addition. I am definitely an extroverted Type A personality. This can sometimes come across too strongly - so to "power dress" especially at work would be overkill for me in many situations. I am aware that much of the time I need to temper my dominate personality and strive for approachability in my dress at work. In this sense I definitely consider how the particular ensemble might be interpreted by others.

Marillen

It has to be both for me.

That is a good point about dealing with kids; I didn't really think about it until now but there is an unconscious response to how "put-together" a mother looks in that situation.

If I was in a situation in which I would need to dress less boho and more classic-conservative in order to be taken more seriously by people (especially older, more successful people,) I would do it.

I do like the more social nature of dressing, showing who I am without saying anything. I don't like being an introvert but I can at least give a good visual first impression before revealing what an awkward person I am. :\

E

Veteran

In my everyday life, I don't have to worry too much about influencing people's reactions to me. My style tends to towards the cute and quirky, so I suspect it works for me rather than against me in most casual interactions with strangers. They probably underestimate me a bit, but I have a strong personality, so that wouldn't last long past their initial impression. Of course, there are one-off situations where I change my dress to match the circumstances, but it's not a daily thing.

However, when I travel, as a solo backpacking young woman, it becomes very important: I need people to help me (if I get lost, don't know which bus to take, etc.), I like people to want to get to know me (what's the fun in travel if I don't get to know any locals?), and I also need to make sure men realise I'm not a loose American like in the movies. I create that atmosphere by dressing 'smart casual' (nice fabrics, nothing that looks backpacker-ish, a touch of makeup) but modestly (higher necklines, low skirt hemlines, nothing skin tight), which luckily is easy to do within my style sensibilities. I also have an easier time with this because I'm white and thin and young, of course.

I see what you mean about style being a helpful shorthand, and I'm glad you find it so. That being said, there are also issues of race, gender, class, body weight, disability, etc. that go into self-presentation and mean some have to work much harder than others to be perceived the same way. That's the part I find unfair. When a kid can be shot for the suspicious action of wearing a hoodie and walking on his sidewalk and his murderer can be acquitted by a 2012 jury, it's tricky to separate clothing from the political.

Karina

There are lots of factors that go into this question. At least being aware allows us to make more choices. Caro, I enjoyed the article you linked to, very thoughtful. Dustt, I think it's funny that you and I are both dressing at times to balance our personalities, just in opposite directions! K, it is good to hear I'm not the only introvert who notices these differences in how I'm treated. Marillen, I love your sense of humor and relate to the desire to be taken more seriously in certain situations. E, your thoughts about how you dress while traveling were very interesting to me, and so well-considered. I'm also very careful about travel wardrobes, especially internationally, because of wanting to communicate respect and not wanting to come across as a brash American. I agree about the unfairness aspect of this issue, and that is certainly something to consider in my treatment of others as well as the attitudes I communicate to my sons and others in my circle of influence.

MsLuna

Veteran

Interesting thread, Karina! I, too have thought about this lately, especially since I'm in the wardrobe rebuilding process.

I currently work in a male-dominated field (tech). Prior to this job, I've always been a hybrid (creative and tech), so creativity in dressing is sometimes encouraged and applauded. One day, a coworker mentioned that I may not be as approachable to the all-male team because I'm often seen in dresses and heels (my natural style) and am a bit too "girly". Because relating to others is so important to me, I decided to stop wearing dresses to see if my relationship improves. Nothing changed.

Now that I'm in the process of wardrobe building, I'm torn between filling the remaining gaps with dresses or more casual tops. I feel most comfortable and "myself" in dresses (because it's easy for me to find flattering dresses, they are forgiving to throw body, and I can move more freely), but my workplace and friends tend to be more casual and I'm sometimes afraid of them feeling awkward because I'm "too dressed up". I guess we shall find out what I decide through my WIW updates.

E

Veteran

Very true Karina re: circles of influence. I'm endlessly fascinated by issues like this, but unfortunately my arthritis is acting up, so can't type much right now! I'll be reading the other responses though & really enjoyed your original post/thoughts.

Anonymous

You hit it on the head with the whole mom dealing with a toddler for me. I have found this not only true of how strangers perceive me but my own interpretation of myself in harrowing outings with my girls. If I am put together, had a few moments to put something half way decent on with a bit of thought I feel more calm, in control (not that you are ever in control of the 3 and under crowd). I think this has to do with fitting in a role and applies to all sorts of situations. Although I am dressing so others perceive me as a good mom - which of course as no true relation - I am internally feeling better about myself and therefor able to keep my game face on.

And E, I commend you for your last paragraph, I agree whole heartily.

Parsley

Veteran

Interesting question!
You've hit the nail on the head that we can influence others' perceptions of us with the way we dress, and I think you can give yourself more confidence to deal with difficult situations when you feel well put together.

I'm past the MOTG stage, but I do find that there are plenty of situations where I feel better if I'm dressed in a way to project power and authority, and I do so consciously as if putting on armor to meet the world.

Other times I dress just for myself and for fun, and just because I like pretty things and harmonious combinations.

Aziraphale

Veteran

Both, of course! We don't live in a vacuum. I know people can see me, and evaluate. And we're social animals; most of us want to fit in. But we also all have individuality, and of the people who come to this site, I imagine ALL quite like clothing and take pleasure in dressing well -- or at least, dressing to our personal tastes. So I wear stuff that makes me happy, but that also will not make me look like I'm out of touch.

rachylou

Veteran

Yes, people are visual animals, and when you have responsibility for others and need to engender calm... well, I feel that's the thing to do. I do regularly think about this and apply the breaks. Really, if I knew what was good for me I'd slam on the breaks, lol. But this is my hobby. I push to the line.

rabbit

Veteran

I do both, and sometimes I lean more heavily one way than the other. I'm a eclectic dresser, so I'm happy with a variety of looks. (With the caveat that a) I don't have children to embarrass in public and b) I'm in a city with a lot of diversity in dress). I do tend to dress more classically and neatly when interacting with authority, such as at the airport or when I need to talk to someone at the bank or something like that.

That said, there are times when I consciously dress down and skew a little more alternative/indy to reassure others or to show that I belong to their 'tribe'. For example, at my hair cutters I don't have a particular stylist, and it's an alternative salon, and I want my haircut to lean more edgy than soccer mom, so I consciously dress to signal that it's okay for them to go for more drama at times. The same when I'm interacting with students or other artists or local shops. I was at Radioshack today in a midi skirt and button down and I think I actually might have gotten a slightly friendlier reception from the tech guys if I was wearing one of my graphic tees and skinny jeans for example (or at least I have in the past).

What I've found when I am dressing a bit more 'experimentally' or playfully or even just clomping around in plaster dust and steel toed boots if taking a break from work is that for the most part, no one notices. I never get a second glance. SA's greet me, and ring me out as usual and never seem to register that I'm carrying a purse that looks like a cat head for example. I sometimes get positive comments on my clothes in small boutiques though.

Part of the reason I go to our mall is because there is such a wide variety of looks on people and I love to check it out, from full goth/lolita with a lacy red corset and knee high doc martens to maximal urban bombshell. I'm just a part of the scenery, and not a particularly extreme example.

ManidipaM

Veteran

I am another introvert and employ both strategies though like rachy I can push people's buttons a little. .. especially those I meet frequently. the facade of propriety in the long term or mainstream or traditional values is impossible and stressful to adhere to in the long run.

but I am certainly not above smoothing a first meeting or formal interview with dressing to impress... even if what I am impressing upon my audience is 'I am capable snd efficient and trustworthy. .. but different'.

must confess this often means I fall between two stools!

to Eva's point, I often dress more formal or polished casual when travelling especially as a journalist. otherwise assumptions about 'Indian women' start to dictate the itinerary!

when not travelling I am a definite at-home type. so the other person is the SO... who has very different tastes. so I dress in things he likes sometimes but more often just please myself with comfort foremost.

Ledonna N.

Veteran

What an interesting thread I am enjoying everyone's response. I am and always have been an introvert. It always amazes me about peoples perceptions based on outward appearance. As a soldier I was always treated with respect sometimes disrespect in others countries and down south some people are still racist.
While working for the university I have noticed it does not matter what I have on. I have been working there 12 years in two different capacities as a telecommunications tech, and as a network engineer. I still get asked the same thing "are you here to deliver something". I have a thick skin so it does not bother me.
I think perception has had a lot to do with how I used to dress away from work. Jeans and and regular tops and lots of work out clothing. Now I find that I no longer conform to or care what people think. I think I take in to consideration the event or location but for the most part I dress for myself. I have learned that If I am comfortable with myself and who I am others eventually become comfortable.
When people see who I truly am there is no misconceptions and that starts with how I present myself to the world. We sometimes see what we choose to see based on outward appearances Skin color, who we choose to love, the people we choose to associate with. To be honest I feel as if I am past that point and that is a limited way of thinking. If I choose to limit myself or others because of how they present themselves to the world that could be a missed opportunity or blessing.

crutcher

Veteran

How you dress definitely affects how people respond to you...Just taking a few and getting it together can make for a more harmonious time as you progress through your day...I'm sure being in a group of fashion mavens that each of us has heard the old "Whyareyousodresseduptoonly.....you fill it in...I dress put together to go to the store as well as more important occasions...I just feel better when I am put together..
And I dress for fun...I like being able to smile inside at what I am wearing and the fantasy I have for my clothes...
Fun post and great hobby we have found for ourselves...

BlondeAmbition

An interesting question. As a mother of a toddler I find myself too often dressed in sweats for hanging around the house, running errands and going to the playground. When we go out to a restaurant, event or outing as a family I have never given any thought to dressing as a "Mother" to be taken seriously. I never even would have thought of that. I dress to express my own personality, not my role or station.

No matter what I'm dressing up for, whether it be work or a romantic evening or a PTA meeting, an outing with friends, even a formal affair the things I think about are: a clean modern silhouette, an effortless boho feel, and a touch of edge. I don't like to dress in a classic or conservative way, there has to be something that is modern about what I wear. You'll never see me in a skirt and cardi. But you might see me in a cardi paired with camouflage capris. There must be at least one unexpected item in my outfit. I mostly dress for other women. I want someone to look at me and think "wow, how does she make that item and that item work together so well?"

April

Veteran

As Clinton Kelly always used to say on What Not to Wear, "The way you dress tells the world how you expect to be treated."

If you expect to be treated like someone who matters, I think it's important to dress as if *you* think you matter. It's just common sense.

Anonymous

I dress to please myself but with some thought of what I will be doing and the others involved. I know how a teacher dresses can affect how she is seen by her students. This time of year between Spring Break and Summer Vacation is always a good time dress in a way that inspires respect and shows authority.

Karina

I'm enjoying reading the thoughtful and varied responses to this question. Another aspect of this for me is taking the time to shop for, think about and actually put together outfits I enjoy is a form of self-care for me. I am responsible for the food, clothing, safety and sanity(!) of our family of 5. Even though I do not work outside the home and bring in an income, I manage our household well and am able to divert resources to quality clothing that I enjoy wearing and that communicates something about who I am and how I would like to be treated. It feels good to take care of myself and realize that as I do that I am participating in my family and community. Honestly, even just the extra few minutes in the morning with my hair/makeup and getting dressed feels like a treat before I hit the ground running. During my third pregnancy I took more care with my appearance and found that it made a huge difference in my energy level. Since we have to wear clothes anyway, it's nice to enjoy the process!

MsMary

Veteran

I vividly recall that when I was a young mother, I was treated much better at the pediatrician's office if I was dressed in my work clothes (business formal) than if I was dressed in my casual (and not very put-together in those days) mommy gear. And I definitely agree with Clinton's "dress the way you'd like to be treated" advice.

That said, E has a great point about how the playing field isn't level and some people have to work harder with their dress than others, which is unfair and a shame, but also a reality. It feels like there's no good solution -- falling into line doesn't feel good, but rebelling and refusing to do so can have tragic consequences. And of course sometimes those tragic things happen regardless of how one is dressed. Ugh.

Me? I guess I'd be lying if I said I didn't dress in large part to convey the image I want to convey. But I do understand very well that I am very very privileged to be able to do so, and I try not to forget that. And I try to remember that people dress the way they do for a multitude of reasons that may or may not have anything to do with who they are inside. That can be surprisingly easy to forget.

chadya

Veteran

I dress for myself, kids out of the house,