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Dressing DH

JR

Veteran

LadyBirdK asked a great question in the Accommodating DH's tastes? thread, and I was afraid it would get buried. So here it is, with a place of its own:

The real conflict we have, style wise, is his! Usually I can not believe he is leaving the house in any given outfit, and I am always chasing after him, begging him to let me iron his shirt, or fetch him a new pair of (not white athletic) socks, or a pair of pants that might match better. Anyone else have this problem? What do you do?

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18 replies

Latest reply was from Krista

shiny

Veteran

Yeah, my DH is no style maven at all. He thrifts most of his clothes not just because he's frugal and cares about the environment, but because "they just don't make clothes like they used to." He is stuck in a time warp. Which is fine, since he's in academia, which doesn't win any style points.

I learned long ago to tell myself over and over, "He is not my personal dress up doll. What he wears is no reflection on me -- it's a reflection on him." So I turn a blind eye and I only extend opinions when he asks for one, which is rare. And I do not think twice about coordinating with him when we go out -- if I did, I'd be miserable and never get to wear anything nice.

In a marriage you have to be your own person and give your spouse room to be their own person. That's my best advice.

Over the 11 years we've been together, he's slowly, s-l-o-w-l-y nudged in better directions. One big leap was when he finally conceded that he wears a size Medium in sweaters, not a Large. But it wasn't me pointing it out that got him to make that change; it was a few pretty 20-somethings he works with, telling him how great it is that at his age he is so lean, and he should show it off. Then there was another leap when we went to Hong Kong and I treated him to some custom made shirts. I wish we could go back so I could replenish these, as he wears them constantly. It made him realize that a properly fitting shirt makes all the difference. And last Xmas I got him an alligator belt and some decent loafers, which he is actually wearing. (He usually never wears anything I buy him). And then another recent leap when he thrifted a pair of Hollister skinny jeans... totally hipster jeans you'd see on a much younger guy. But they fit him (he's quite slim) and when compliments from OTHER people, not me, poured in... well, now, that's all he's been wearing.

Debby

(website)

My DH is pretty good in that he has good taste when he chooses to exercise it. The problem I have with his clothes is that he doesn't always know when to retire something that has seen better days. He has a couple of polo shirts that I suggested be "work shirts" only -- fine for working in the house or garden, but not to his workplace or if we are going out. Occasionally I still see these for the latter, and if I do, I'll try something diplomatic like, "Don't you want to wear your new red shirt instead? It might look better with those pants than the [old ratty] shirt you've got on."

Sometimes I can get him to take advantage of big sales at a favorite store; he dislikes shopping generally, but if he thinks he is getting a great deal, he'll get into the spirit of finding "replacements." Other times I use Christmas and birthday as an excuse to get some newer items into the closet. He's an adult, so it's up to him to make the final choices, but sometimes a well-placed question is needed. And I ask him for his opinion on my outfits too, which can be surprisingly helpful.

Mama Susie

Just chiming in to say that I agree with Shiny regarding letting our hubbies be their own person and offering opinions when they are asked for. I do not have this problem since I like the way hubby dresses. He is from HI and does the surfer boy thing well, which lucky for the both of us is what I am attracted to lol. But I think even when he is wearing an outfit I might not love I don't pay that much attention. I'd rather make sure I look good and leave him to his own devices.

MsMary

Veteran

My biggest issue with my sweet Hubby is that he was stuck in a time warp. He was still wearing clothes from the 70s when I met him in the 90s, and he doesn't really have any concept of the fact that styles, uh, change. So I have gently nudged him into the new millenium by buying him some newer things and taking him shopping, and he has responded very positively. And I don't think that's in any way inconsistent with letting him be his own person. If he objected, I'd definitely back off.

Also, he has definitely stepped up his game since I've gotten so interested in fashion. He definitely pays more attention and takes more pride in his outfits now!

shiny

Veteran

... also I should add that I don't really trust my own style judgement when it comes to mens' clothing. I really have no clue what I'm doing when I go into a men's store, and DH has zero patience for trying things on, which is the only way I could safely pick out something for him. Ultimately the biggest issue with DH is fit: he tends to wear clothes that are just too large, so it looks sloppy. He finally admitted that he has a mental block about "medium" on a tag -- it seems to imply you are scrawny. Guys are supposed to be Large, not medium! When I pointed out that size inflation is going on for men and not just women, and Large is now what XL was 30 years ago, he was more open to trying mediums on for size.

Also I'd just like to add that DH's wardrobe is five times the size of mine! He has more clothes than he will ever wear in his lifetime. He thrifts so much and rarely lets anything go, until it is falling apart. So on this, at least, we're okay... he never complains about the size of my wardrobe. Nor does he ever make a peep about how much I shop and spend.

shiny

Veteran

MaryK, I do gently nudge too. I guess I should give some backstory here, I believe I've shared this on YLF in the past. I grew up with a dad who bought all his own clothes and my mother never really had to get involved, even though she was a SAHM and certainly had the time to shop for him. My dad wore suits to the office every day. He knows how to dress and he's always looked sharp and polished.

This is my second marriage. In my first marriage, my ex-MIL expected me to buy all of my ex's clothing. And criticized me when I did not, because it was just not how I grew up... I grew up thinking men were able to make their own clothing purchases. And she'd go on and on and rail at me about how my ex (her son) was a reflection on ME. "How could you let him go out t he door like that?"

Meanwhile as that marriage wore on, my ex started to dictate how *I* dressed. As in, "you can't wear that -- it's too sexy." He had me chop my hair off and keep it mousy -- no highlights! I was supposed to look like a dowdy, frumpy mom, not the young wife I was.

So yeah. I have issues here. I am just so happy DH never ever tells ME what to wear, and that he's never expected nor wanted me to buy his clothes.

rachylou

Veteran

Oh, I send men shopping with a list, with very descriptive explanations (in writing) of how things should fit and look. Or accompany them.

Mind you, I have lots of rules. One of them is: Creativity is not to be appreciated in men's dress. A snappy dresser is wonderful eye candy, but trust me... everyone is creeped out by male Ralph Lauren models in real life.

Anyways, men always tell you they are simple. It's true. Women cannot fathom how simple. So I believe for the completely fashion allergic man he should choose ONE style of pants and ONE style of shirt and just get variations. He should understand white socks with sneakers ONLY and that this does NOT mean black socks are ok with sneakers. He should have one pair dress slacks and sport coat. And that is it. Baggy short sleeve polos are FORBIDDEN.

Unless, of course, he's a man who requires business suits. In which case, he should just get some suits, shirts, and a cashmere jumper.

My bf doesn't need me though; he's got a disciplined aesthetic. He all on his own came to my same fashion-allergic formula...that's #5 on the list of things that made me like him. LOL.

Aziraphale

Veteran

Rachylou: What are numbers one through four?

JR: my husband (I can't bring myself to use the abbreviations DH, DD, DS!) dresses great, no worries there. But I can sort of relate. When I was young, I went out for three years with a man whose dress sense made me itch. He wore unfashionably tight jeans with his tee shirt tucked in. And ugly trainers with white socks. It was the 90s. It was the Pacific Northwest. It was the grunge era. He looked like he'd stepped out of 1984, and not in a good way. And he refused to do anything differently, because he insisted that he was physically more comfortable dressed that way. Math majors can be like that.

I even hated his choice of underwear.

We didn't break up because of his complete lack of style, but it sure made me appreciate a good eye for style in the subsequent men I went out with.

Mama Susie

After reading some of the other replies I do not think there is anything wrong with gentle nudging either. I think that I'm overly sensitive to the thought of my hubby telling me what to wear... my first boyfriend was the jealous type and a tad controlling and although he never told me what to wear I just get anxious thinking about it, which is why my first reaction is to back off hubby so he doesn't do it to me??? LOL.

Also we're fairly young and have only been married two years so maybe in ten years I might be singing a different tune and will start hardcore nudging. LOL

Mo

(website)

Veteran

I spent my 20's with a hippie boyfriend. And not just a weekend, go to a show, hippie, but 24/7. He would wear his best tie dye to dinner at a nice restaurant in a country club on the lake. And I wished he would step it up, but I knew I wasn't going to change him and I (slowly) realized that how he looked was on him, not me. Incidentally, he's as much a hippie as ever 20 years later, living in Una's neck of the woods these days.
My current BF of 11 years dresses well, if sometimes on the conservative side. My only battle with him over the years really has been to convince him of when a style has moved on - pleats in dress pants, higher waisted or tapered jeans. I also had to convince him that he's generally a medium and not a large, but he is barrel chested with quite long arms, so sometimes he's between both. Overall, I agree gentle nudging is fine.

EDIT: I should add that my BF is actually very interested in fashion and has great style. Canali suits, Zegna Quindici ties, Robert Graham and Kweejibo shirts for going out - he just never 'got' that casual was a category all it's own, too. He'd literally go from a $1500 suit to a Jazzfest t shirt and cargo shorts. Our last frontier is to find him casual winter shoes for his premium denim. The Doc Marten's old standbys don't' work anymore - they hurt his toenail.

Kim

Veteran

LOL at the "Style has moved on" comments from all of you! I heard somewhere that men's clothing should come with expiry dates, so they'd know when to get rid of them. As is stands now my man doesn't think it needs to go until it's completely worn out! If it doesn't have holes in it must still be good to wear, right??

He's super talented in so many ways, but is not the least bit interested in wearing anything other than his jeans and T's. Oh well, that's the man I married 30 years ago! LOL

citygirldc

(website)

Veteran

When I met my hubby, he wore a long black German leather coat with fingerless leather gloves, a goth wanna-be and at that time I had no clue he was going to be in the picture. I was intrigued with that specific style in my 20's but not in my 30s when I met him and I was just getting over that "black" stage.

Anyway, we dated and little by little, he got rid of his coat and gloves (those UGLY gloves), his old Docs and he developed his own style of casual. He was in IT until a few years ago where he wore lots of business wear, but now he has downgraded to jeans and t-shirts with his new line of work at the bicycle shop. I miss him dressing up but he has his own sense of style, kind of like casual-preppy- urban-geek wear. So in the end, I like what he wears but can choose to dress up once in a while...at least for me.

Gaylene

Veteran

My husband has always been a good, although classic, dresser, but having two grown sons has really stepped up his game. Both of our sons live in cosmopolitan cities with wives who are quite style conscious, so they both take an interest in how they present themselves. It's so funny to see them making sure their father also looks current.

I sit on the sidelines while they give him rules: tuck that, don't tuck that, wear those socks with those shoes, get those pants altered to PPL, don't wear "Dad" jeans-- you get the picture. My husband does all of his shopping with the "boys" and pays much more attention to what they tell him than he ever would to my comments. And he is such a great looking 70 year-old in his CofH jeans and Barbour jacket that I have to keep the young salesgirls from swarming him!

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Gaylene, I wonder if I can get my husband to go shopping with his son in Montreal. That would be a interesting outing to eavesdrop on.

My husband shares the apparently general male trait of preferring the tried and true and not recognizing so much when styles have moved on. But he has improved his own game quite a lot since I joined YLF, with no special prompting from me. I still wouldn't call him a style maven, but he can look pretty sharp when we go out for dinner.

He is also in academia, which probably accounted for some of the schlumpiness, in years past.

I don't do much nudging, but if he asks my opinion (and he often does) I am honest. And he listens. But on the whole I am content to let him be who he is. His style isn't a reflection on me, and if I don't have to share his love of American football, he doesn't have to share my love of fashion.

Elly

Veteran

I am not married and I tread lightly on this particular issue.

The BF and I both come from a place where our last relationship was both very serious (he was married, I was long term with and engaged to mine) and also controlling.

My ex made me feel very badly about myself and that in turn affected how I dress. My BF's ex was very critical about clothing and tried to change pretty much everything about his appearance.

When we first got together he was both very concerned with what I thought about his appearance, but also at the same time very resistant to any criticism or suggestion for change. Although I certainly wasn't thrilled by how he dressed or groomed himself it wasn't a big deal and I understood that was a sore spot with him.

As time progressed I've found that many of the things that I didn't much care for weren't things he wasn't fervent about, but rather things women (particularly his ex) had encouraged. He met his ex straight after leaving the military and while on the job in uniform (he still wears a uniform to work, but his previous position had strict conservative grooming standards) and she had expectations that his work look mimicked how he dressed in the rest of his life. She was also older than him and wanted him to fit in with her friends and preferred a more conservative/preppy style (wanted him clean shaven, waxed back and chest, no cargo pants, polo shirts, pastel and collared shirts, gelled hair). Honestly, his style is much more a mix of rugged casual and rocker (based on his personality, items he admires, and older photos of him). The jeans and khakis and polos are the wrong style on him for his body type and the look really ages him about 10-15 yrs . . . he looks like a soccer dad and doesn't seem as comfortable in his skin. He still has personal style, but he seems like he has given up on it for himself.

He also wears a lot of cargo pants and message style graphic ts in black-- almost as an overreaction to her influence. Unfortunately it is almost impossible to find message ts in tall sizes, and they can be a little juvenile in contrast to "soccer dad." Black is not my favorite color on him. He also tends to wear his cargos in his "military ACU" size, which means they aren't long enough because he doesn't tuck them into tall boots! Of course, my pet peeve is PPL and fit in general.

Over time the BF has realized that I am not much of a nag and don't want to change who he is. I'm pretty good at dressing men within their specifications (I did all the shopping for my dad and brother and grandfather growing up, and they are very picky). Still, I tend to let the topic of clothes I don't like come up only when he asks or it is natural (we are shopping or talking about clothes or cleaning the closet/doing laundry) and then I tell him what I think and give him my reasoning exactly once unless he brings it up again. He is a smart man and he can take it from there. I've said my piece and that is where I leave it. I do give compliments and talk about things I do and don't like on other men freely.

Recently I've helped him pick out some linens he is really pleased with and has done a complete 180 on trusting me to buy things he'd like. I think he really sees that I respect his opinions and keep his priorities in mind while adding lots of "girl knowledge" to the arena. He has also started wearing his hair differently (which he did for his own reasons, but I like the style) and changed several of his grooming habits. He is in need of some new ts and pants and has decided on his own that he will buy a longer inseam and found some more subtle, adult graphic ts online that come in talls. I wouldn't want him to change himself for me, but he seems to be very happy with the changes.

I have a feeling that he will continue to ask my opinion and take me shopping as he gradually updates his wardrobe.

On the other hand, I appreciate that he has a good idea of what my personal style is and respects it. He thinks I look nice and encourages me to buy and wear things that make me happy, but also to stay true to myself. He also would like to see me dressed to the nines on occasion, but has offered to dress up himself in exchange, so no double standard.

JR

Veteran

When I was young and foolish, I would pressure my hubby. I have grown out of that, for which he must be heaving a great sigh of relief.

At work, he is one of the snazziest dressers, almost always wearing a suit or sports jacket to teach in. He usually take me shopping with him, and between me and the colour consultant we put together outfits for him that he is comfortable in and that look good.

His problem is casual. He figures when he's not at work, anything goes, and casual clothes are made to be worn into the ground. Colours don't matter, wearing a long-sleeved button-down with slouchy cotton pants with a drawstring waist is okay... even if we're going out shopping. I let that go for a while, but I have started to let him know that he has to present himself better in public, even if it's not work.

Also, he works in the States and we keep our house in Canada (long story). He only comes home on long weekends, holidays and the summer. That means I almost never see him in his work clothes. And you know what - over the long term that affects your mental image of someone. I always saw him dressed as if he had no self-respect and it started influencing how I thought of him. When I saw him in his work clothes for the first time in a long time, it was almost a shock to see how professional and competent he could look. So I've been trying to explain to him that it matters how you present yourself even to your family. I've tried not to nag or be anal, but gradually get him to up his game on that front. It seems to be working. He has a half a closet full of clothes that are too shabby to wear out and I have finally persuaded him that he just doesn't do yard work often enough to need them all. I now have permission to cull that herd.

Still, mostly I let him wear what he wants, but if he looks too disreputable I put down my foot. He takes it pretty well, seeing as I do it very seldom and he gets that I am just trying to be on his side, not to make him dress to my taste, but just be more conscious.

Interesting creatures, men, aren't they?

rachylou

Veteran

I love asking my bf things along the line of, "you know that guy who was in the yellow shirt?" or "didn't you hear so-and-so sitting next to you say blah blah"... because the answer is always "No"... and then we laugh.

Only sweatshirts, t-shirts, and tanks are allowed with sweatpants, if sweatpants are allowed at all.

Tell your husbands it's the law of men clothes.

LOL

Krista

Veteran

This was a great thread to read. JR, thanks for starting it up!

My husband is actually a fantastic dresser and is very particular about his clothes - he doesn't need my help, that's for sure! He was in banking management long before we met so he had an excellent grasp of style and how to dress appropriately. I actually get a lot of style and color ideas from him (I mention this occasionally on the forum) and, previous to YLF, I frequently felt like he was more stylish than I am!

All of that being said, it rarely has a place in our relationship - we largely leave each other alone to shop for ourselves and dress the way we want. I wore a brown dress for 5 years before he gently suggested, just last month, that a dress I was trying on at Tommy Hilfiger could "replace the brown one." I was shocked! But since then, the brown dress is a metaphor for the things that can be let go - we joke about it frequently, but it's not a major issue. We aim to complement each other, and overall, we support each other's style goals.