Does this happen to you? - YouLookFab Forum

I have a friend who is constantly complaining about how people always think she is younger than she really is, but she doesn't seem willing to do anything about it. It's kind of frustrating to hear about.

She is going to be 24 soon, but people still mistake her for being in high school. I have tried telling her repeatedly in various tactful and indirect ways that it might be due to how she presents herself. Her hair is the biggest culprit: It's similar in texture to mine (fine, wispy, flyaway), but she insists on keeping it all one length (up to her chest), and parting it down the middle. It looks tangled, sloppy, and in bad condition. Several of her friends have recommended she cut some layers in or change it up somehow, but she insists on cutting it herself and since she can't cut layers herself, she just doesn't get them. If she doesn't cut it herself, she just goes to Supercuts and has a trim.

She blames it on being short, but I am short too and I do not get the same comments. Yesterday she was wearing athletic shoes with light wash worn-in jeans that she cuffed so they wouldn't bunch over her sneakers. She also had a puffer that fit well, but it was past knee length and black, and since she is petite and very fair, it just swallowed her up and made her look even shorter. Her sweater was pretty but not much to talk about on its own. There was no accessorizing whatsoever. She still wears a lot of clothes that she wore in high school, so it really shouldn't surprise her that people think she still IS in high school.

OTOH, I was wearing my new biker jacket, turquoise pash, Gold Sign trouser jeans, and black ballet mini wedge shoes. It felt kind of awkward and "dressed up" but I can't bear to dress myself down just to follow the flow of traffic.

So sometimes it bothers me when she complains. From my POV, she either has to deal with the comments, or do something about them. I mean, there aren't exactly a lot of options. And the fact that she doesn't think it's worth the effort is kind of sad to me. She would look really cute (and her age) if she just tried. It's not even like she has to try hard. She has a cute little pear shaped bod and she is young and could probably wear just about anything. I once suggested she get sideswept bangs, but when I mentioned that she might have to spend a couple of minutes (literally about 2 minutes) blowdrying them, she decided against it. Basically, if she isn't wiling to take my (or anyone else's) advice, I wish she would just stop complaining. Obviously she doesn't want advice, just empathy, but I find it hard to be empathetic when it's her own choice.

So that is my rant. Am I being too hard on her? Can anyone relate? Sometimes I really, REALLY want to nominate her for What Not To Wear, but I don't want S&C to force her into 4" heels...

17 years ago

Tanya

Veteran

Hmm, I don't quite know what to say. None of the people I know complain about this, but then i am quite older than you.

It sounds to me that she doesn't want to change anything about her, that any change or anything that requires some kind of maintenance is out of here comfort zone. Maybe empathy is all she wants indeed.

Maya

Hmm, I guess I just want her to either accept and embrace the fact that she looks young, or do something about it, rather than just complaining about it to me. I used to empathize but I'm getting a bit tired of hearing about it. I used to offer her empathy and even told her that someday when she's older she'll be thrilled when people think she is younger than she really is. But she continued to express frustration so I thought maybe I should advise her. Now I'm just not sure WHAT to do. I can only hear about it so many times! I feel bad because she IS my best friend and I am sitting here complaining behind her back, but I really needed to vent about it. She brings it up at least once every time we hang out together.

I hear you Maya. It must be very frustrating. Please feel free to vent whenever you have the need for it.

Maybe you can ask her if she is interested in doing anything to change that perception and if she says yes, than maybe ask her what would she feel comfortable with (since she refuses anything you suggest).

I think it frustrates me so much because I can see the potential and can't do anything about it!

I think she is comfortable with how she looks and dresses, which is why she doesn't want to change. This is going to sound mean, but I honestly just don't want to hear about it anymore. If she ever decides to take the next step, I'm totally there for her. But I just think it's silly to keep doing the same thing and expecting people to react differently.

taylor

Maya do you think that perhaps she is used to all that attention? even though it seems negative and she acts like it bothers her?

She may like the fact that everyone thinks she is so young. If it really bothered her wouldn't she change something.!!

After all it sounds like you are always offering her ways to change her looks , in a friendly and more age appropriate way....she has yet to heed your advice! And the fact that you are always trying to better yourself....and improve on things you can...I think perhaps she is happy with her look because of the attention it brings..

I have a friend who constantly blurts out her age just to hear people say"Oh you don't look that old" And then complains about how old she is...again ,just for attention.

So her same old complaints that everyon thinks she is so young is wearing thin with you because you are willing to help..but she's not willing to change.

shiny

Taylor, I wouldn't necessarily assume your friend blurts out her age just for attention. I have a long history of dropping my age into the conversation not for attention but simply because I want people to know I am the age that I am, and not make the wrong assumption.

It's not much of an issue these days - now that I'm in my 40s - but it was a big issue to me in the past. Especially in college, right after college with my first job, and then in my late 20s when I had two young children.

College was a problem because my roommate, as a joke, spread it around our dorm that I was a child prodigy and only 13 years old. Ugh; I spent 4 years trying to live that one down.

On my 21st birthday I had to call the police to come and verify my driver's license; the bar where we were celebrating insisted my license must be fake, and wouldn't let me in.

My first job... well, that is self-explanatory. Didn't matter that I wore suits and high heels and dressed older than my age.

Then later when my kids were young, I'd get mistaken for the nanny, but when I would say they were my kids, I would have the ruder people blurt out, "What, were you like 13 when you got pregnant???"

Maya, your friend may instead be worried about the attention she might get if she dressed more age appropriately. Maybe she likes to hide under her hair and nondescript clothing?

As for what to do, rule #1: you can't change people. You can only change how you react to them. So next time she starts complaining, just gently change the subject.

Eva

Active Member

Maya, first of all, your outfit sounds fab. I hope you post a picture. I love your biker jacket. You looked so good in all your pictures from your Shop with Angie, Laura and Tayna.

With regard to your friend, maybe the light bulb hasn't gone off. She may just not get the connection between how she dresses and how she is perceived. Maybe rather than nominating her for WNTW, you might watch a selected episode with her. They have tons of shows about younger women looking like they are still in high school.

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

Does your friend work, Maya? I think the penny will drop when she needs to adhere to a work dress code.

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