Do we expect too much sometimes? - YouLookFab Forum

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Do we expect too much sometimes?

Peri

Veteran

Well, I know we can all expect exactly as much as we want! And we do care about fashion or we wouldn't be here. We likely care more than the general population, even when the general population dresses just fine. I'm rambling....here's the source of this musing.

A month or so ago I met a close friend for a museum event. I love this woman, she's in my circle of dearest, but she is not a fashionista. It's not like she doesn't care at all, but it isn't her thing really. She wants to look good, but she doesn't care about styles, or know what is in style. I actually love that about her. Now, you all know I can hardly be called trendy, so I'm talking more behind than me.

So at this event she was dressed in something I've seen on this board called Chicos-tastic. Circa 2000 maybe. She looked nicely dressed, just dated. And guess what...about 6 women stopped us and told her how great she looked! I was wearing something that has gotten board approval...as stylish as I can personally manage, at least fairly current...and got noticed by exactly no one.

What am I trying to say? I'm not sure. I'm not saying we shouldn't care. I think my point is that I hope we are all being so invested in dressing our best for our own selves and no one else's. I'm not sure anyone else cares! I think most people don't notice details we think are so important, and maybe things date a lot more slowly than we think they do. What do you think?

General

43 replies

Latest reply was from Sara L.

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

Peri, I wonder if people were reacting to the effort your friend made instead of the actual outfit, since she rarely is dressed up by the sounds of it. Do correct me if I'm incorrect though. The novelty factor (or "change") for your audiance can go a long way to evoking a reaction if that makes sense. The parts are forgotten and the sum takes over.

I'm sure you looked fabulous.

Diana

Veteran

I think people will comment when you look different. So, you, Peri, probably look pretty nice all of the time; maybe this lady looked significantly more dressed up/fancy than she normally does. And I think people DO notice, they just might not say anything because it's just normal for you.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Peri, you always look beautiful. Angie might have a point -- maybe your friend does not always look great. A friend of mine usually makes zero effort but when she does, she gets showered with compliments (and rightly so -- she deserves them!)

I also think we live in a bubble -- we're more aware of what is current and have fun with that, but others change much more slowly, so their eyes may need to adjust to some of the styles we wear. That's to be expected. I didn't see BF jeans here for about 2 years after they started becoming popular (even though they were selling them here, I didn't see them on the streets).

Also -- was it the outfit or specific components of it that were drawing compliments? I have noticed that footwear often gets compliments if it is a bit different to the norm, no matter what it is.

Anonymous

I agree most people don't care that much. I'm surrounded by that in my life, which is why I can present that fashion interested part of myself on this forum.

Is it possible that the woman getting complimented, although dated, wore a style that was very flattering? Or did hey know her, and seeing her dressed up was unusual, so commented upon?

I am sometimes surprised by what gets comments and what doesn't, and it doesn't always correlate to what I feel best in. Sometimes it's something that is eye catching. But when I feel my best, I'm more likely to present confidence, which makes me feel good, and usually attracts others too.

BrieN

Veteran

a couple of thoughts --

it must have been lovely for your friend, who doesn't usually "dress", to have gotten those compliments.

I have a dear friend who is truly a fashionista, and moreover I have a feeling that she wears some very designer, very expensive items. And until I started participating on the forum, I'd never "gotten" her style. It was too current for my eye. Now, however, I see her and I get it. And the last time I complimented her, she looked shocked, as apparently it happened so infrequently. So perhaps your friend's style was just more accessible/comfortable for those folks.

Muffin

Veteran

Cinderella effect? Noticeable changes always seem to elicit comments I think. Also too maybe the commentators are not quite as up to date or of a certain age where Chicos is their fashion too?

Sara L.

Veteran

Well, one reason I post WIW's on this forum is because no one in my normal life really cares or notices fashion. Other than to tell me "you always look so nice". So, at least in my life, I don't think people pay that much attention to the details of outfits. Except, as Suz says, I will occasionally get comments on my shoes.

Peri

Veteran

Oh, I wasn't clear...these were strangers. They had no way of knowing the regular style of either one of us.

And also, I didn't feel bad in the least that I wasn't complimented! It was just making me curious about the general public's assessment of style being possibly so different than the fashion lover's assessment. My friend was glowing...I was tickled for her and intrigued at the puzzle. Possibly it was that it was striking...all black, with designs in gold paint. Eye catching I think.

But yes, this was a window of the general public, not a true sampling! I'll just say...older than me, and my friend is younger.

RobinF

Veteran

There are a lot of good points made here. The only thing I might add is the general public doesn't really know or maybe even care about "style". I read here a while back that just because it is sold in stores doesn't mean it's in style, and that stuck with me. So for your friend maybe she was dressed in a way they like and would dress themselves. Whereas maybe they don't yet get your style and won't for a few more years (when you won't be wearing it any more:) ).

skylurker

Veteran

Peri, correct me if I'm wrong, this is how I understand your question : do we expect to please and be complimented ? If so, doesn't our love for fashion mislead us, because it's disconnected from our audience's tastes?

I think of makeover shows, how the host will dangle in front of the unfashionable very concrete results : beauty and riches, you will be loved, you will be promoted, once you're Made Over.

Well, it doesn't work out like that, in my experience, what can be realistically expected :
Feeling more confident when you're in control of your appearance,
Having fun on the fashion playground.

And I think having fun, when you're an adult with a life packed with work, chores, responsabilities, should not be underestimated, it's a Great Expectation.

kkards

Veteran

i think we often miss understand the roll of who is doing the complimenting....

Anonymous

Skylurker - really like your last point. I hate to think I'm shopping too much as a hobby, but I was just recounting to my family this weekend that I can easily remember many of my favorite articles of clothing since I was in high school and younger. Because they were meaningful to me and brought me happiness. And still do. My quandry is finding the right balance. Don't need too much, but sometimes have to try a lot more than when I was younger to find the true loves because fit has become more challenging. And sometimes you don't know until they've been tried out IRL.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Oh, Skylurker, I love what you said!

And it goes right back to YLF's first rule!

Peri

Veteran

Skylurker, good question! I did say I wasn't sure of my point, just that it was something I wanted to talk about. So, you've made me think, and no, I feel like my point is the opposite. Or can be the opposite for some of us.

(I think it's fine to want to please and hope to be complimented. Yay, when it happens, but it can't really be the goal because of all the points you've all made.)

I'm thinking my point is more that worrying over whether something looks bad may be more worrying than we have to do. That all our gradations of "is this the right fit, proportion, color...does this look bad, does this work, do these shoes look okay, what should I change, because this isn't good enough the way it is" is putting such fine points on things as to be noticeable to almost no one else but ourselves. So we'd better be sure we do it to make ourselves happy, not to make ourselves feel bad.

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

Peri, you hit the nail on the head with your last sentence in the above comment.

Love what Skylurker said too. Good point, Suz. As long as you're having fun with fashion and style and feel good in what you wear, you can go into as much or as little detail about the topic as you like.

Liz

Veteran

Peri, yes, absolutely to your last point of putting such a fine point on the small variations. The people around us absolutely don't notice (unless, I suppose, if we are in some kind of high-fashion context).

Whenever I see a ton of forum threads focused on how exactly to wear a certain trend and "get it right," (such as the fit of boyfriend jeans or the length of cropped pants), then that tells me that the people around us don't know how to wear this either, and they' ll be wearing it any way they want. We can relax about it, unless we personally really enjoy these kinds of details and find them fun.

AviaMariah

Veteran

I think this is a little off topic of what you're asking but I've come to the realization that 90% of the time I dress solely for myself. I work in a small office that is mostly men and if I rotated two pairs of ill fitting chinos and golf shirts, I don't think anyone would notice. But I DO notice and and does make a difference in my enjoyment in getting ready in the morning. There are other areas of my life that people do notice and it matters to me what they think just in the impression that I'm giving them and for the pure enjoyment of nice clothing. So I try to dress everyday like I'm going to be with people that notice. So I guess my point is that I do want people to notice the way I dress but I want it to be such a part of me that it doesn't seem unusual.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Oh, that's certain! Nobody else notices the stuff that makes us self-conscious or that worries us, not just as far as fashion is concerned but also the pimple on our nose, the wrinkle at our jaw, etc.

What people do notice, I think, is vitality, confidence, and whether we feel good in our own skin. Subconsciously, they may be influenced by the colour or cut of our clothes, and certainly by the fit and the sheen of relative new-ness (vs. dusty old worn, ill-fitting things).

But the only people who consciously notice the details or who analyze them are the people who share our hobby!

I don't know...I'm trying to find a way to express this that makes sense.

The thing is...I don't actually find myself worrying about whether something looks bad all that often. Maybe if I am trying out a completely new colour or silhouette -- or new proportions -- then I have questions, for sure. But worry? Not really.

I guess I used to worry, or rather, I knew that I typically looked bad! I guess that's what got me onto the forum. But over time, I seem to have morphed into a person who may be looking for the right items to complete a look I'm aiming for...or who may wonder whether this item works better than that one...but "worry" is for sure the wrong word. It is actually fun to think about, not a worry...it's a pastime. A pleasure. For me, at least.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

AviaMariah, so true!! Nobody notices how I dress, either -- I'm at home most of the time! But I dress for myself and for Mr. Suz when we go out. And it's fun and happy-making to have lovely things.

Laura (rhubarbgirl)

(website)

Veteran

I think that often what YLF thinks is current is very different than what the general population in a particular geographic area thinks is current. Trends take a long time to trickle down sometimes and most people don't really spend a whole lot of time thinking about it. So something that looks a little matronly/dated to a lot of us will get a positive response from other people. (Trends are kinda random anyway, and there's the problem of which version of a look is being worn - are the mom jeans ironic normcore mom jeans, or the same mom jeans since 1988?)

It's an interesting question, actually: which is better, wearing an outfit that is very flattering but also dated, or very trendy, but JFE or maybe even not suited to your body type? It's an individual decision, and I think most people go with flattering (however they define it) acknowledging that styles change and they're not always going to be current 100% of the time.

rachylou

Veteran

I think we do. I think we often look for wow! and sharp! even when it's not warranted. I mean, the other day I started googling for wow! gardening clothes. *Roll eyes,* lol. The only thing you're gonna kill dressing to kill while weeding is your ankles.

Entertainment value is very very different from well done, IMHO.

molly221

I think the familiar (maybe dated to us) will get more comments.
At YLF we tend to be more fashion forward.

Skinny jeans over culottes will get more compliments
Tall boots over ankle booties might get more compliments

I got off the subway in SOHO and immediately saw 3 women with super cute overalls. In my Midwestern home, people would think that was dated.

Gaylene

Veteran

Variations of this question come up now and again on the forum. The reassuring comments that follow, though, always make me a bit uneasy because of the undertones of "Well, WE care about style".

Rachylou once talked about "tribes" and I think that is a really good way of looking at this situation. Different tribes appreciate different looks, and (here's the kicker), each tribe innately feels their preference is more desirable than others. if you look at the situation from this angle, your friend was surrounded by members of her "tribe" who showed their appreciation of her appearance. When the forum gave a thumbs up to your outfit, it was doing the same for you.

Maybe instead of subtly rolling our eyes at those people who don't "understand fashion", we ought to see them as a tribe having a different aesthetic but equally legitimate style? And be thankful that YLF gives us a place to form our tribe of like-minded souls who share an aesthetic and support a style many of us can't find in our day-to-day communities. As long as we are sensitive to the tribes we live and work within, I think the YLF tribe can co-exist quite nicely alongside most them. Who knows, they may even throw a complement or two our way because, even though we may look a bit strange at times in our cold-shouldered tops, we don't criticize their choices or try to change them.

AviaMariah

Veteran

I have to admit there are times I post a WIW because I get enjoyment out of an outfit and I want someone else to enjoy it too. I know no one in my real world is going to pay a bit of attention!

skylurker

Veteran

I think I understand you better now : sometimes we make ourselves miserable by overthinking details, while we shouldn't worry because no one else will notice said details?
I'm under impression most people sweating out details here actually enjoy the process.
I don't find myself prone to overthinking either, but if I catch myself at it, I'll conjure up an image of you, waving a radiant orchid flag at me, and stop

Helena

Veteran

Peri, this is a very interesting thread! I think the thing is there are more variables than the up-to-date fashion world (in which Angie is placed, and therefore by extension, much of YLF is placed, at least in terms of knowledge and "eye") that dictate how someone's look is perceived. Sub-culture is huge. For example, in my suburban family community, a person is more likely to be admired for wearing head to toe Lululemon yoga apparel and a great big branded Michael Kors bag than anything else. Not my choice, but there you are. Creativity in fashion, personal expression, sophistication, whatever it may be is not always valued. This is not good or bad, it just is, and it serves as the context within which "fashionable" is judged. I think urban/suburban/rural locations, age, values and interests of your city/town (e.g. outdoorsy hipster vs. urbanBay-street business), etc. are going to be huge influencers. Everyone is looking through their own lens. As long as YOU are happy with what you see; therefore, you are in good shape

DonnaF

Veteran

I don't travel in fashionista circles and rarely dress on-trend. The times I've received comments from friends and strangers is when I've worn something eye-catching, so I suspect that's what happened with your friend. By eye-catching, I mean times I've worn my bright blue suede pumps, my Matisse dalmatian pattern calf hair booties like Angie's, or my mirror finish K-Swiss flatforms, or other serious bling.

Sally

Veteran

I am at work so should be working. I feel it's two different things. I am not that fashion forward and don't actually keep up with trends. I can appreciate an outfit even if it might be dated. ...maybe it's iconic. I'll often compliment others dress because I like the colors or an aspect of it. I enjoy the fact that I can still tuck my skinnies into tall boots and no one really cares. I don't think it's always about if it's fashionable.

Peri

Veteran

Funny, the thoughts on my use of "worry". On the surface I used it as in fuss over, pay attention to. But now I'm thinking maybe it was unconscious. I've made progress, but probably still am motivated by trying not to look bad, more than the fun of fashion!

Gaylene, good heavens, no smugness intended...or warranted...on my part!

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