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Dealing with Racist Relatives

biscuitsmom

Veteran

My BIL is the most blatant Racist and Bigot Ive ever seen and TG I dont have to deal with him very often, but with the Holidays coming up I know we have to get together and frankly, it ruins the holiday for me. I cant be 'sick' and not go- I did that once, years ago, (I was actually ill) and still hear about how I 'didnt bother to come over'...a 60 minute car drive away.They have completely shunned other relatives who stood up to them and they are the only 'family' DH has in this state...I refuse to nod my head and act agreeable, but cant completely ignore or alienate them When we are at his house, I try my best to ignore him and talk with the others there, including his Wife, who will no longer talk directly to me,ever since I needed a cane to get around Im always 'she' like 'does 'she' need anything?' Gee, why not ask me directly..snort! When he calls on Sundays, my DH takes the phone in the other room, cuz he knows I cant stand listening to him. Just hearing his voice sets my nerves on edge. He knows how much I hate this talk, and makes no effort to curtail it around me. Ive bitten my tongue (for DH's sake) so hard Im suprised it hasnt bled. This is the same BIL who is horrible to his Daughter for being heavy-set. Any advice, or just sympathy,lol, appreciated

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18 replies

Latest reply was from biscuitsmom

JulieJohn

Veteran

That sounds like a really difficult situation. I can relate to un-fun holidays. In my case I finally let go of the people that were making me miserable. It has been a great relief. Best wishes on your situation.

biscuitsmom

Veteran

Thanks, JJ, Im glad you were able to let them go

Aziraphale

Veteran

I'm sorry to hear that he's such a twit. I guess, if you cannot remove him from your life, you'll have to learn to be selectively deaf. I don't think there's much you can do to change him -- in fact it sounds like he's the kind of guy who will be even more obnoxiously racist when you're around, just to annoy you, because he knows it *does* annoy you.

catgirl

Veteran

Earplugs. Seriously. It's amazing what some people feel free to do or say, and it's toxic to be around it. You have my sympathy!

MsMary

Veteran

I wouldn't go. You can't hear about it if you don't see them, and it doesn't seem as though they are worth keeping in your life! Send your hubby off to his brother's with a kiss, and have your own private Thanksgiving celebration the following day!

Lyn D.

Veteran

I really feel your pain B.M. and Christmas time is a very tricky time with family get-together expectations.
I have found the best way to deal with people like this- they will never change- is to avoid them as much as is possible.
If you don't- sooner or later you will explode and give them the satisfaction of re-enforcing all the negative things they think about you already.
These bullies have very low self-confidence and so feel it is necessary to criticise everyone around them. Eventually they end up with no friends and really deserve our pity (from afar)!!
I agree with MaryK- stop going! Do this for you. You don't need their negative energy.

Nadya

Veteran

I'm with MaryK. Don't go. And if you then keep not going, you won't hear the snark about how you didn't bother to go! If someone treated your best friend that way, what would you do? Now treat yourself with the same care :-).

missvee

Veteran

Well if you can't avoid going,then you will just have to practice selective deafness. He already knows that you don't agree with his views, so there's no point in flogging that horse again. (Don't feed the troll!). Try not to upset yourself over it - there are jackasses like this all over the world. This is why so many family occasions are full of tension and anxiety. Be grateful that you see him rarely, consider it your volunteer work for the day, and remember that old saying "what cannot be changed must be endured". I wouldn't send your husband on his own - sounds like he is a nice guy and could use your moral support. Your SIL sounds like a piece of work too - they must make a lovely couple

Echo

Veteran

Nadya is spot-on. If you don't go and continue not to go, you won't ever have to hear about it again. But seriously, if your DH allows these people to verbally abuse his own DD, then I'd question the respect you have for HIM and not just the BIL. Any man who won't stand up for his family (children, wife, etc.) is no man at all, to put it bluntly. I have a high tolerance level for keeping family peace, and I will go out of my way not to hear grandma's unintentional slurs, but when someone throws their prejudice in your face and all but dares you to confront it... well, I would either skip the gathering (perhaps the best option if your DH wants to continue to see these people - though I cannot imagine WHY he would) or give them their wish and confront it. The passive-aggressive way to handle it is to speak lovingly about made-up situations that you know might offend them (for example, if they are racist, praise the many iterracial couples you know). A taste of their own medicine. But again, if your DH wants to maintain contact with them, that isn';t recommended.

Hmm. Remind me again why your DH wants to maintain contact with people who verbally abuse his DD and intentionally offend and dismiss his wife?

Anonymous

I agree with the don't go, you don't have to let people into your life no matter what the relationship is. I however am not one to put up with too much and I am pretty blunt at times. I have told more than one person when they are being offensive "you can't say that kind of thing". I would also probably say to the SIL " I'm right here and no I don't need anything". If you decide to let them be apart of your life don't go tip toeing around them. Just look them in the eye and say "knock it off".

Gaylene

Veteran

Not going would be ideal, but, if you think that your poor husband needs your support or you don't think that you can get out of going, then my solution is to do two things. First, negotiate with your husband how long you need to be there and have an "emergency" that requires your attention to extricate yourself after the time period has expired. As a last resort, look ill and wonder aloud if it might be "that horrible contagious thing that is going around at work" before you depart.

Secondly, as Una mentioned, earplugs can be useful to block out the "conversation". It seems like they aren't interested in including you anyway, so why not just use the time to meditate with a small smile on your face. It helps if you can think of your poor BIL as suffering from a severe mental disorder which renders him incapable of normal behavior. As he spews his bile, remember that his condition makes it impossible for him to speak rationally and, unfortunately, is probably untreatable. As a kind-hearted person, you try to treat him gently because you feel compassion for his terrible illness. Again, that small smile on your face will likely drive him crazy--and he'll be so disgusted with you, he'll probably be glad to see you leave.

velvetychocolate

Veteran

As hard as this sounds, I have to agree with the 'don't go' idea.

Years ago, a counselor once suggested to me that I shouldn't "use my vulnerabilities" to explain my feelings. Long story short is that I don't need a reason for not wanting to do something and I don't have to explain myself. It doesn't have to be that I'm sick, or that something else is going on - it is ok to just say 'no' to something just because I don't feel like it.

In fact, you don't even have to explain 'why' at all. You can simply say that you're not going. Radical? Yes. But I've done it, and I sure felt a whole lot better about saying 'no' just because I felt like saying 'no' instead of having to come up with some sort of reason/excuse. I didn't explain myself at all. Just said I wasn't going.

In short, it really is ok to say "No thank you."

It will seem rather dramatic at first, but I can tell you for certain that it's very empowering to just say "no" if for no other reason than you just don't feel like it.

What do you think of this idea? Saying "no" just because you don't want to do something?

It can be done. And there isn't a whole lot anyone else can do about it. Highly recommended because of not having to explain yourself or come up with a reason. Just, "I can't make it, but thank you..." If it makes you feel a bit better, send a small Thanksgiving gift of some sort - a pie, a pretty fall planter or what have you.

Sending a huge dose of courage and some major "Thank you so much, but I can't make it" vibes...

Hang in there.

rae

(website)

Veteran

Well, you definitely have my sympathies here. We have one relative who is only mildly racist, but doesn't exactly know it... one time he did the "ching chong" Asian language imitation in front of me - he truly didn't mean harm, but as a part Asian I was a bit kerfluffled. My mother is also very intolerant of certain lifestyle choices, not in a hateful way, but like, "Oh, they're so confused. Why do they have to do that?"

Anyway. I have used a few different strategies that have helped my peace of mind.

- Staying away. As you've said, it offends people. But they offend you and don't care!

- Detached acceptance. Pretty much saying to self, "Self, you chose to come here. It's your own fault you have to listen to this, so just tune out until it's over."

- Full On Debate Mode. I don't recommend this one since you also have DH to think about, but sometimes I just let fly with prepared rebuttals and facts to throw out in a calm voice while The Other Side gets more and more animated and slanderous. It amuses me in a perverse way.

I guess the bottom line is accepting that you can only control what YOU think, say, do, and feel. Whether or not you engage, disengage, or partially engage, try to think of it as being your choice of experiences. Rather than focusing on how rude BIL is to you and other races in general, focus on how you are being good to yourself and to your DH through your choice of actions.

Louise

Veteran

Does hubs really want to go? or does he just feel obliged to?

Could you and hubs have Thanksgiving lunch together then hubs go alone to visit later in the day? If they have a problem with it he could perhaps be honest and say " biscuit's mum finds coming here uncomfortable" or just fudge it and say you're not well and then use the illness excuse ever year, you need never hear them commenting about it if you never go.
(((Hugs))) x

ETA velvetychoc put it well 'just say no'. This brings to mind teen UK drama Grange Hill in the 80's who did an anti smoking song http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=D2nq8DzYToE

lyn67

Veteran

Yes, Please say NO, and don't ecen bother to explain. Let your DH go, and you'll have a few hours for yourself!
I'm glad you're back, again:-), I always valued your posts and comments, and was missing you when not here.
Sorry, I usually don't have time for all the threads, so mainly end up looking only at those appearing on the main page(usually with picties), but I now took my time for reading your last few threads, and am so sad to learn you are dealing such a hard period in your life(illness of your sister, missing dog, not findig your style...etc) we all have these periods!
The best way to deal with them is just have to let them go as easy as they came!:-)
Take care, BM, hope that life is getting easier and happier for you since then!!!!

ramya

Veteran

BM no suggestions. But lots of love and hugs

catgirl

Veteran

Or how about a book on tape (or whatever it's called these days)? Bring some headphones and audio, and when the conversation starts, just tune out. If anyone says you're being rude, you can smile and say sweetly, "I prefer not to have to hear this particular discussion" and continue listening to your book (or music).

biscuitsmom

Veteran

Thank you all for your kind wishes and suggestions...I truly appreciate them! I would *love* to skip it, but it's one of the very few times we get to see DH's Niece,Nephew and the little kids....which really means a lot to DH and to a much lesser extent, me. BIL's daughter, in particular ( the one who was picked on) I really like... Believe me, if it were just BIL and SIL no way would I go... .BIL hs always been very 'polite and cordial' towards me and just made the disgusting comments in general conversation with others, in my hearing range....which Im going to try my best to avoid....even if it means I have to be 'fascinated' by diaper talk nearby, lol I'd really love earplugs, etc, but that would mean not hearing the very few I'd like to talk to....