Dealing with kids driving - YouLookFab Forum

Category

Off Topic

Dealing with kids driving

Helena

Veteran

Fellow moms or caregivers or anyone with thoughts ... HOW do you deal with the stress of young adults learning to drive. My nerves are shattered! My kids are doing well, taking lessons and being conscientious but they are still new, learning, making expected mistakes. And then there are the horrific drivers on the road, from the aggressive to the distracted. I can barely manage my own driving stress, how do I navigate my babies on the road I welcome advice, tips or commiseration!!!

Off Topic

18 replies

Latest reply was from AJ

LJP

Veteran

Well , Toronto driving and traffic is a whole different beast than what my daughter experienced as a new driver . I bit my tongue and tried not to physically react when her driving wasn’t confident and was a little wonky . That stage passed blessedly quickly ( like most other stages in young adulthood ) . If I overreacted or even reacted at all ( unless something was clearly unsafe ) was more problematic than the driving itself .

Suz

(website)

Veteran

I'm in this, too, Helena, even though my kid is 25 -- they are just learning because they. never really needed a licence until now.. Like your kids, LJ's doing well, being careful, and taking lessons (from me and Mr. Suz and from a drivers' ed school) but I'm a wreck about it because my own driving anxiety has always been pretty high and it is worse since my bike accident.

My only "tip" is that I try to remind myself the following:

They have been a pedestrian for years and managed.
They longboard, which terrifies me still -- and they have indeed has some serious accidents on the board, including a concussion. BUT, they learned from every spill and adjusted their behaviour accordingly.
They have biked in the city successfully for years.
They are cautious by nature. Distractible, yes -- unfortunately. But also aware of dangers.

Basically, I try to remind myself of their strengths and also remind myself that as crazy as the other drivers out there are, I have survived (so far) and it is likely my kid will, too, with the skills they are building.

But my nails are bitten to a stump.

Indigoprint

Veteran

Do you have access to any country roads they can practice on to gain confidence of the basics before traveling in traffic?
We live in the country so it was easy for us. But if possible it might be worth traveling out of town for some practice?

Helena

Veteran

Lisa thank you, yes you're right and I've been open with my kids ... I want them to know my anxieties are about me, not them! I do have to loosen my death grip on the door handle lol.

Suz, thank you for sharing this ... If my son had his choice, he would have waited too but because he didn't find work this summer we strongly encouraged him to work on driving just so he was progressing on something. I too was a later driver - there are benefits to the increased maturity. Your perspectives are so helpful, thank you ... I'll keep your kid in my positive vibes for safety if you keep mine in yours *high five*

Indigoprint that's a great idea ... We could do to my sister's cottage for the day and drive around, it's quieter and far less aggressive. There are areas in our suburb area that aren't so bad but they are fewer and further between sadly

Bijou

Veteran

DS is learning to drive but DH has been doing all of the instructing, along with lessons from a professional instructor. DH is a teacher by profession, so I am lucky that he is well qualified to take on this project.

We are fortunate that my son is really good at video games and so has amazing reaction times and co-ordination and naturally pre-empts what other drivers may do. Who knew all those hours of gaming would be useful?

I am enjoying seeing him gain confidence and the bond with his Dad deepening as they work on this project together driving to and from school most days. Our roads are busy (we live in an inner-city suburb, in a city of 2 million people), so I want him to get as much experience as possible before being on the road by himself.

I do commiserate as this is just one more part of the process of letting them go out into the world as adults.

JAileen

Veteran

What a coincidence - I was just thinking about this yesterday. We were walking Bob through the nearby church parking lot, and a kid was getting a driving lesson there, just as we did with our son 20 years ago. I don’t have any particular advice. Best of luck!

MsMary

Veteran

Commiseration from here! I have always been a nervous passenger and the one very big thing that my former husband took on, back in the day, was doing the practice driving with our daughter.

I do remember one memorable incident, though. I had lost my favorite pair of sunglasses and was very sad about it. Some time later, my daughter was driving with me as a passenger, and she had to slam on the brakes suddenly. My nerves were shot, but I was very happy when the missing sunglasses came flying out from under the driver's seat!!

Laurie

Veteran

Mary - that's pretty funny!

Helena - as I try to remember this period with my boys (now 26 and 30) it's surprising me how vague the memories are, and I am sure it is because I'm blocking some minor trauma. Because, if I really think back on my older son's driving, at age 17, 20 miles around the DC beltway (8-12 lanes in some places) to his magnet school, and then home again, it's completely terrifying. So I guess my only advice is that once this period of heightened anxiety passes, you'll be ok! And, for sure, as many hours on the road as possible is the very best learning. We have a good driving school around here - all of the instructors are retired police. I loved lesson days.

Jenni NZ

Veteran

We taught 3 kids how to drive, between us. We started in large empty parking lots, one was a church next to a sports club and one was an events centre. I was fine doing this, not scary. Then we progressed to quieter roads, then I let DH do the first tries of motorway driving! We paid for several (4-6?) professional driving instructor lessons for each child before the practical tests and even received a compliment from the instructor on how well we had taught them. I do think I was probably more nervous with them than my DH was but I somehow managed to hold it in!

Carol

(website)

Veteran

Well....they might hit another car, if they were anything like me. Too much scraping other cars, walls and such led me to give up driving, eventually. But I did get in one or two accidents along the way. Not serious.

I would say, if they wear their seatbelts, and they are trying to pay attention, it is likely they will be safe, but they might bump into somebody. The devastating crashes are usually caused by really reckless drivers....hopefully not them.

DonnaF

Veteran

DD31 JUST got her license. Last month. We're on the West Coast and she's in Chicago so the driving school and her boyfriend face the real time stress. She has a problem with spatial awareness and *feeling* the road, so I'm wondering if it is a developmental thing and a product of learning how to drive at such an advanced age. Well, too late now. Of course, I still worry. Luckily, their car is higher, bigger, and heavier than the tiny ones we drive.

Helena

Veteran

Thank you all for the encouragement ... Helps to know I'm not alone.

Mary that is hilarious lol!!

Echo

Veteran

I completely understand your stress, but unfortunately I don't know what to do to alleviate it. My DS2 (23) was just in his first accident this past weekend because someone pulled out in front of him on a 55 mph highway. DS swerved to avoid hitting him, and ended up in the ditch. Thankfully, it was minor, and he was not injured (and the other car was never caught or cited, of course), but still nerve wracking.

My DD (22) STILL has zero interest in learning to drive. She took lessons in high school, but was so incredibly stressed out behind the wheel that she refused to continue. I'm hoping she either decides to learn someday or at least moves to a city with great public trans!

LJP

Veteran

It's interesting that many young people aren't that interested in getting a drivers license. I hear so many stories of kids not wanting to drive or not wanting to bother doing the work in getting a license. All of my friends and I were on it the minute we could !

Echo

Veteran

LJP, us, too! We could not WAIT to get our licenses, and most of us (myself and my friends) knew we would only be borrowing a car from our folks to drive. My DH insisted on buying our kids (the two that learned to drive, at least) their own cars because we live rurally, so in his mind they "needed" them in order to have jobs or in order to go anywhere or do anything. And even so, our sons who learned to drive weren't all that excited about it. They could really take it or leave it, and we had to encourage them to take driver's ed and sign them up for on-the-road learning. We did the same for our DD, but as I said, she outright refused to continue with it. It boggles the mind.

Kyle

Veteran

We sent my son to a professional driving school, where they gave him real-world experience in many possible scenarios. So, for us, the key was giving him the tools or skills to be safe successful. Still, watching them drive away for the first time alone is daunting, and you realize life will never be the same. Still, it’s our job to prepare them to be fully functioning humans, and a big part of that is letting go (but with clear rules and boundaries). So do everything you can to prepare them, and then let them spread their wings.

Rejoiceandbe

Done this three times now. Here is how I coped: find and pay for a good driving instructor who " gets" that particular kid; have the more patient parent do the bulk of the between lesson practice; keep to quiet streets until the novice driver feels confident; let them drive in all sorts of weather conditions (you would be surprised how careful a kid is when they are scared). ABOVE ALL, sit on your hands while they are driving and keep your mouth shut, as much as you can. Good luck!

AJ

Veteran

You are definitely not alone in worrying about your young drivers. My husband was the one who taught the kids since I knew I would be too anxious.

Even now, when I am a passenger, I will turn on the radio and sing along just to keep myself from voicing too many cautionary warnings and my kiddos are 27, 25, and 21.

Besides teaching defensive driving, I think the most important thing is to routinely practice what to do in case of an accident. Everyone experiences, at the very least, a small fender bender and to give your kids the skills in knowing what to do when it happens, will help them to stay level headed during a stressful time. Go over scenarios of different types as well as possible reactions of the other driver.

The more they understand that we can problem solve and act responsibly even when we are nervous and scared, the better they will be able to cope with stressful situations.