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Dating, ARGH!

annagybe

(website)

Veteran

So my ongoing singleton status is really hitting home. For goodness sakes, freaking Similac is sending me formula samples and coupons, and I couldn't be be further from pregnant or even the possibilty. And it doesn't help that I personally know three pregnant women in my real life.
I've been dating for four years since I've moved back to Seattle.
I've tried Match.com, eHarmony and now currently on OKCupid because at least that doesn't cost me money. I even joined a hugely expensive local singles activity club, which am I lifetime member, because I fell for sales pitch hook line and sinker from salesperson who met her fiance through the club. I get first first dates because I look good on the internet. I get very rare second dates, and seriously can't remember the last third date I've been on.
I have a good job/career. I like to hike and ski, which are very Seattle activities. I can make friends so I'm not completely socially incompetent. I even lost a significant amount of weight, partially because I thought it would make dating easier.
The last first date I went on I though went really well. We held off making plans because I was on call the next weekend. He walked me to my car and hugged me. I texted him but really haven't heard anything about getting together. His major hobby was Civil War reinacting.
I talked to a different guy on the phone. He literally brought up in out first conversation that if a full blown relationship didn't work, that he'd be open to a sex only relationship. WTH????
That doesn't count the messages I get and ignore from men 20 years older than me.
Angie messaged me right before I turned 40, saying that the 40's are good. Everything I've heard is that dating in your 40's is harder. I'm having a hugely hard time as it is, and I really don't know how it can even get worse.
I feel like I'm destined to crazy old cat lady status and I don't even have a cat.

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32 replies

Latest reply was from Ornella

Mo

(website)

Veteran

So sorry to hear it's been a rough go of it. I sometimes find in life, cliche as it sounds, that when you stop looking it finds you.
Kind of like when you stop hunting down the perfect wardrobe piece, you then later just happen upon it when you least expect.
Chin up! It sounds like the pool of men from these sites has a world of issues all their own. Maybe the old fashioned way of running into someone in the frozen foods aisle or out at happy hour is better after all!

Louise

Veteran

(((Hugs))) I agree with Mo. I met my BF when I really wasn't looking for a bloke. I'd been single for a while and was just loving life and having fun with my mates. Mo's wardrobe analogy is spot on. Perhaps give it 6 months without actively seeking a man? If all else fails grab yourself a rescue cat, they truly take up less space in bed than a man and are much more devoted x

missvee

Veteran

I know it won't help to remind you to count your blessings, but you really are in a good place in your life, with a good job and good friends. Please don't be discouraged - there is a wonderful man out there for you! I think the dating sites can work, but they can be a real box of chocolates ( you never know which ones are nuts! ) Just don't put your life on hold in any way waiting for the right man. You have a lot to offer!

Irene

Veteran

Hi, Ana. I'm sorry to read that you are upset. I'm somehow in the same boat as you are, but I don't feel like talking about myself here, so I'll try to understand what you are saying.

You say you almost never get second dates, but what I don't understand is whether you are rejected by the men (which could be, after all we can't be liked by everybody, and you might have been unlucky) OR that you don't wish to go on second dates with those men because you feel they aren't worth your time. Which could be true. But then again, maybe not. Because I don't know you nor the men you have been seeing, I don't know whether you have too high expectations or if you just met men who were really not worth your time. If it's the first case, I would try lower those expectations or rethink what you are looking for. If it's the second case, well, keep trying. Really. The right one has to be somewhere, right?

" I get first first dates because I look good on the internet"

Do you mean you 'look good' because not everything you show/say is exactly true? Because I really doubt you would be lying -especially after four years of internet dating, there wouldn't be a point in that-, I assume you mean you think you don't show what you actually say you are (AND are) on the dates you have. You do sound like an interesting woman here on YLF. You do lots of activities, are interested in cultural events, practice sport, take care of yourself, have a job AND like it, live on your own. Come on, those are really good qualities. Do you think you show all your potential to the candidates? If you do, then I would keep looking. He has to be somewhere

And maybe Louise and Mo are right in that it will come, eventually. I mean, I hate it myself when people -especially people that are in beautiful, loving relationships- tell me that. But so many people can't be wrong, I guess.

Janet

(website)

Veteran

Gah, I'm sorry! You are so fab you deserve someone truly fantastic. And I know, it's a cliche, but I have to agree with Mo, because I met Jamie when I most definitely was not looking (in a bookstore cafe, no less).

Missvee makes a good point -- you are living a healthy, full life, engaged in activities you enjoy and with good friends. I believe that when one is as open to finding a lifelong partner as you are, it will happen eventually. I think it speaks volumes that you are being choosy and not "settling" -- I know far too many women who did that and are now unhappy.

Hugs to you! I wish I lived closer -- I occasionally meet interesting single guys and think, "who can I introduce them to?" Plus I just know you'd be fun to hang out with.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Anna, big hugs. This is tough. No way around it. Tough and confusing.

If it will offer a glimmer of hope -- a girlfriend of mine was in despair not too long ago. In her mid-forties, a single mom, hadn't met a single interesting (or interested) prospect after three or four years of dating (internet or otherwise). It just wasn't happening.

So she stopped looking.

She hired a guy to build some cupboards for her kitchen. He came...did the work....and the rest is history!

It IS still possible to meet someone at this age, or any age. You are beautiful, smart, interesting and worth it.

biscuitsmom

Veteran

You've gotten some great advice already, so I'll just agree with the others to *not* give up, but maybe put it on the back burner for awhile...you truly will never know when you'll meet someone and I hope you wont discount a potentially great guy because of something superficial. When I met and first started dating DH he used to dress...well, 'uniquely' and if I hadnt looked past that, it wouldve been a huge mistake on my part. I was in my early 40's (as was he) and I was convinced I'd never marry...we met at the grocery store I worked at.

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

Anna, it's hard to date at any age really. And the older we get, the more we are all set in our ways. Love seems to come along when you are not looking for it.

(Btw, have you tried this site: http://matchmaking.itsjustlunc.....Qgod0UwA7Q).

You are young, strong, interesting, independent and love adventure. How open are you to moving to another city?

Laurinda

Veteran

Hang in there, and just keep living your best life ever!

I met my soulmate and BFF through match.com, and was a first-time bride at age 43. We even had two friends in common who never thought to introduce us.

It did take 6 years to talk him into a cat, though.

Aziraphale

Veteran

Some excellent advice here. I cannot offer much more, except hugs and to say that all the comments about finding love when you're not expecting it are true.

Also: in your 40s, you're hitting a wave of divorces that offers up fresh options. It sounds callous, but it's true. There's an epidemic of divorces happening among the families at my kids' school right now. And I can think of two acquaintances, women in our age bracket, who have recently settled down with previously-married men. Men who get married once are likely to get married again. The only caveat is that they are very likely to already have children, so if you're OK with an "instant family", there are a lot of 40-ish men looking for a partner.

Louise

Veteran

Are you looking for someone the same age as you? Would you be open to someone perhaps 10-15 years older than you? My auntie is in her 50's and her husband in his 70's, blergh you may cry as I first did at the thought of it but he's a very youthful 75 and they are blissfully happy. I cringe but there is a Joy of Sex book on their bookshelf!!!!! And they rarely answer the phone on the weekends!!!! X

catgirl

Veteran

Oh, Anna. I am sorry you are feeling so down. I know lots of singles, both men and women - you are not alone in that sense. If I told you the story of how I met my husband, you wouldn't believe it.

There are a ton of single men here. As I told the CA gals - the odds are good, but the goods are odd. Check out Alaska Men magazine:

http://www.alaskamen.com/

A friend of mine put an ad in there last year. I have no doubt he will ADORE the woman who finally makes a connection with him. He's very frustrated about dating because although he is athletic, handsome, a good dresser, nice personality, makes good money (engineer) and adventurous (he's currently studying Thai massage and violin, takes swing dance at the Senior Center where a lot of young singles actually meet!, and German), he can't get women to consider him because he is not tall (he's about 5'7") and is slightly built. I set him up with a friend and she dismissed him after the first date because she felt she couldn't wear heels around him. !!!

He moved here from India for college and wonders if both culture and his height are an issue, since most American women do not want to date someone who is shorter or weighs less than they do.

So, I digress a bit, but if you come up and visit, you may stand a chance with one of the many eager single guys up here - and they are not all odd!

Jem

Veteran

I don't have any advice to add, but wanted to say I'm sorry you are having a hard time with it. It must really be frustrating! You seem like such a great person, there have to be a great guy for you. Sorry he is so hard to find!

Caro in Oz

Veteran

I'm just adding my kind thoughts - it is tough not to let it get you down.
I think you've received some great advice here (as always).
Can you try to look on this time as one where you learn more about yourself, your likes & dislikes your hearts desires? A time for making friends rather than romantic attachments? I'm a great believer in timing & I'm sure all will be well.

annagybe

(website)

Veteran

Well this afternoon I sent a text message to the Civil War re-enacter seeing if he was interested in getting together this weekend and heard nothing.
Angie, because of my father's advanced age I don't want to move too far away. My job market is also very tough as of late. I have heard very bad reviews of "It's just lunch". Plus I'm loathe to spend more money on dating right now. I could have bought a Chanel bag or two with the amount of money I've spent on "dating".
Una, I saw a job in Alaska recently, but I don't have the right cross training. Plus I know I couldn't handle the long, dark winter.
It also doesn't help that I see a lot of heroin addicts in my line of work. I always read medical and social histories. They all seem to be have boyfriends and girlfriends.

RunnerChick

Hi Anna,

I'm sorry for all that you are going through. I have been in the exact same place as you, for 7 years, and I know how much fun it is NOT (especially in America, where there's such a fetish about the romantic relationship). I'm sending you hugs and good thoughts; hang in there. There's someone out there for all of us, and it's a question of exercising PPP, just like with shopping.
I's not a satisfying thing to hear, I know, but Mo and the others are right - it's ironic but true that you find love when you stop looking for it. I'd been on several disastrous dates on Match.com, and I was about to give up. I only wanted to marry an Indian man, because I will eventually have to care for an aging mother and I did not think that a non-Indian would understand or buy into those cultural values.
But when I got frustrated, I thought, WTH, I'm just going to go out with the next guy I have a good feeling about even if he's not Indian. That's how I met my husband.
I'm digressing, I know, but only to say that I know and understand how it feels and I'm sorry, but please hang in there - you're a good person and I think there are good things waiting to happen to you.

Anonymous

I met my husband at a party that neither of us wanted to go to -- but at the time I was pushing myself to get out there socially, and so was he. I know it's tough, but it's worth it. Big hugs.

Classically Casual

Veteran

Anna, I'm "old", and have been married forever, we met in college, so take my advice with a large grain of salt.

When I was in my 30's I was very athletic & active. Playing on a soccer team, training for a marathon, doing a lot of hiking, kayaking, etc., it was hard NOT to meet single guys. My running partner was single, and she had to practically beat off the single guys with sticks. My experience was that it was more natural to meet guys through an activity, than otherwise. Join the Mountaineers, find a skiing group, etc.

Also, remember that not everyone in a relationship is happy...the grass is always greener. Best of luck....and value your girl friends, we ALWAYS need them!!

bj1111

Veteran

i don't know that heroin addicts having relationships is a selling point for getting involved. seems like co-dependency/co-addiction rather than a partnership.

i know it's a cliche to say you deserve better, but you DO deserve better.

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

Anna, for what it is worth, my Papa is 80 and lives in the Netherlands. We have spoken every day for 12 years so that I can "look after him every day". (Mum has been gone for 12 years). We also see each other once or twice a year. Quality time. It can work. We have an extremely special relationship.

Mo

(website)

Veteran

I did meet my first long term serious boyfriend (7+ years together) at 2am at a downtown Vegas black jack table (I lived in LA at the time). My brother met his now wife of 23 years on a trip in Hawaii (they both lived in different CA cities). I wouldn't automatically count out long distance, although it's not the easiest choice. You just never know.

Gaylene

Veteran

OK, I've been hesitating to chime in here because my dating history is a long time in the past, but, because I do teach a number of women in their mid-thirties who have left relationships and are now facing the challenges of starting over on their own, I'm not entirely unaware of how difficult the modern dating scene can be for this age group.

In a recent class discussion, both the males and females in the class were lamenting how difficult it was to meet the expectations of the opposite sex when trying to find a new relationship. One of the students summed it up by saying the harder she tried, the worse the results. What came out of the discussion was that most of the single 30+ students were looking for a person who was NOT looking for someone to fill a pre-detemined role in his/her life. That was a definite turnoff for almost all the males and females. Most thought that friendship was the better way to form a lasting relationship and that friendship came from mutual interests and common experiences. Dating strangers was seen as too fraught with complications and expectations, like sex, to give enough opportunity for a relationship to develop. It was an eye-opening discussion for all of us.

Sylvie

Veteran

Anna, no wise words, here, just sympathy. I spent 2 years doing the same thing as you - putting myself out there on the online dating sites, going on lots of first dates and a few obviously doomed short relationships. I had a very specific set of requirements that I couldn't compromise on and I thought I was going to be alone forever.

I've had the same experience - good date + no contact afterwards. Regarding your telephone "suitor", all I can say is that some people have no manners or class. The internet is a meat market and unfortunately you can't help attracting men who only want one thing. The guy who is right for you won't value you just for your good looks but will appreciate your personality and love for art and opera. Somewhere he *is* out there but unfortunately, you don't know when you'll meet him.

If your social life consists of seeing the same people over and over again, definitely try to add in some events where you're likely to meet new people. The suggestion of joining a hiking or skiing group is a good one. Also, I'm sure your friends already know this but have them be on the lookout for introductions for you as well.

You could never be a crazy cat lady - your sense of style will keep you firmly out of that box.

Just wanted to add that I think it is important to keep a wide pool, meet as many men as possible and disregard distance. My husband and I did long distance across timezones for multiple years until a year after we got married, when we *finally* moved in together. Long distance forces you to keep your standards high and be ruthless - I couldn't have done it if he wasn't worth the effort.

rachylou

Veteran

I think once you leave school dating becomes difficult. There's a lot of hanging out when you're in school, and it's expected of you too.

I also think internet dating is, in general, set up too much like an employee search. It depends on a checklist of characteristics. It's tense. The first meeting is an examination. Relationships that take off involve people being relaxed and not pinning each other under the microscope.

Internet forums, I think, might be a more natural way to get to know people.

Krista

Veteran

Anna,
I feel your pain.
I was single for 8 years before I met my husband. Eight freaking ridiculously frustrating years (except for the odd date) so I get everything you are saying and more! It is extremely difficult to be single and to be surrounded by people who are getting married and pregnant, seemingly all over the place. I felt sometimes like the universe was mocking me. Seriously!

Unlike the others who have suggested to stop looking, I actually met my husband when I literally opened up my life and started actively looking. In the two weeks before I went on my first date with him, several of the things I was involved in suddenly ended or were changed - I finished a course, I was tutoring someone and they stopped working with me, I ended an extra-curricular commitment at work because my co-worker was moving on and I didn't want to do it alone. All of a sudden, I had time in my life to actually date someone. It wasn't until I started dating that I realized I had needed to make room for someone to be in my life.

This might not be relevant to you or you might have different circumstances, but I will say that I fully believe that someone is out there for you. Life is for living with someone by your side; the hardest part is not knowing when that person is going to be there. My only suggestion is to keep on believing that it will happen for you because you deserve it. You really do! All the best - don't give up.

Deborah

Veteran

Anna, how incredibly frustrating for you. I don't know what to say except that you are a beautiful, smart and interesting woman and don't let anything or anyone have you believe anything less. I agree with Louise about considering someone 10 to 15 years older than you. My best friend is 44 and her partner is 57. They have been together just a short while and he is lovely. She is, I think, similar to you. She is gorgeous, a professional, financially independent, very smart, forthright and just a wonderful person. He holds a very senior position in our judicial system, is handsome, financial independent, he has grown children from a pervious marriage, and is what I considered well balanced and a 'together' guy. He is SO lovely to my girlfriend and for the first time in a long time, she is very happy. I think older men have a lot to offer

cheryle (Dianthus)

(website)

Veteran

The dating world is a challenge and internet dating even more so. When you meet someone IRL and arrange to go on a date, you already have that first impression and there is mutual interest. Meeting someone from a website is a numbers game. You have a huge volume to review and connect with but with that volume, you get more variety - not always a good thing.

I went on a number of first dates but rarely a second date for a few years. It was through a dating site that I attended the activity where I met my current partner. We were friends and activity partners (golf, dancing, ballet, etc) for close to a year before we decided to date. I really believe that if you are out with people doing activities you enjoy, you have the best chance of meeting someone with like interests and isn't that what makes a relationship work.

As I wrote this I was reminded that I met a friend of mine through an internet dating site. We mutually agreed we weren't a match but enjoyed many similar activities so we kept in touch and occasionally golfed or went to a movie together. A year or two later, he met a woman on the same dating site and introduced us. They are now married and she is one of my dearest friends. We are all in our late 40s/early 50s.

Sometimes we have a pre-conceived notion of what we "need" in a partner and it is that idea that is keeping us from meeting the right person. My BFF was always attracted to the strong, controlling type (she viewed it as take-charge) but they always ended up trying to manage her and the outcome was not good. It wasn't even a conscious thing - she didn't see the similarities between the men but her friends saw it very clearly. She has let that go now and is much happier.

There will always be a few characteristics that are not negotiable and you can keep those but perhaps rethink your needs in a partner and try to figure out if what you think you need is really what is holding you back.

Good luck Anna.

Kari

Veteran

Anna, I hope that you hang in there. You're so lovely and fun, and you are *such* a catch, but you deserve someone who makes your heart sing.

I had the exact same experience when I lived in Bellingham. 5 years living there, and the only guys I met who were interested in dating me lived at least 2 hours away. I constantly felt like "The odds are good, but the goods are odd."

Once I moved back to Seattle I dipped my toe into dating via Cragislist, and I am supremely lucky that B. and I met and hit it off so soon. I have had friends who have had varying degrees of experience dating online - many of my friends have met their husbands through online dating sites, but other friends ran into man after man who was only interested in a sexual fling and nothing more.

B. actually dated online for much longer than I did. He had a few good dates but nothing that really turned into a relationship, and some really bad dates that turned into good stories. He's very glad that he dated online a lot because it gave him a lot of practice - he was quite shy beforehand, but by the time he and I met, he was so easy to talk to, was confident without being cocky, and had a good idea of what type of partner/relationship he was looking for. Such a great attitude!

One of my dad's close friends was living in Paris for decades, and a couple years back he met and fell in love with a woman over internet Scrabble of all things. After a very long distance romance he moved back to the states, and they got married.

rae

(website)

Veteran

There's a chance my opinion won't mean much because I am younger and have to honestly say that I don't know what it is like for you. However, I have a single girlfriend in her mid-forties and lots more single friends, male and female, between 30 and 40.

From my experience, first and secondhand, dating in today's world is largely a numbers game. Please don't get discouraged, keep your chin up, and date date date! Don't get too hung up on the profiles - some people are not too interesting in text but will charm you in person. The pictures are not reliable, either. So if they are halfway attractive and not a complete dullard online, meet. It doesn't have to even be as long as coffee... your fist meeting is to see if something is there... and 99% of the time, there won't be.

Also, have you tried alternative dating sites? I met my husband a dating site advertised on TheOnion.com. If there are alternative weekly newspapers in your area, they might have an online classifieds section. One girlfriend meets men on plentyoffish.

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