My beliefs: Style speaks. It is nonverbal communication and it can be powerful. I believe that style is also about respect. Respect for self and respect for others. I do believe that dressing appropriately for events is important. I also believe (more strongly so in recent years) that my style needs to reflect me. I need to be my best, most authentic self.
For much of my life I was groomed to fit in, do what was expected, consider what others would think of me. Awareness can be helpful, but conformity can be stifling. I was very proper, appropriate, careful, mindful and kind as I wove my way through the world, dressing to meet the expectations of others. I learned to present myself well and I made good first impressions. My style was structured, classic, detail oriented, precise and on the dressy side. I am still appropriate, mindful and kind, mostly proper and careful, but I have found the place in time where I am comfortable being authentic. Over time, I have relaxed into who I really am. My style has relaxed, too. I still like structure, but I also like softness, a bit of sass and a lot of fun. When I look in the mirror I see warmth, kindness, confidence and happiness. I no longer need to have those attributes bestowed upon me by the approval of others. My own approval is what matters. Late life lessons.
My values: my heart beats for my family, for humanity. Compassion, kindness, empathy, love and joy are lifestyle choices. Some days it takes an intense amount of energy to practice this lifestyle. Covid has generated a great deal of fear in me. I have always taken on more responsibility than was mine (another grooming from childhood) and for the most part, I can’t complain. I am a problem solver. I am productive. I am dependable and I get things done. However, feeling the responsibility to keep others safe is massive. It is exhausting. It is important, so I carry on and try to balance it with self care.

As I think about this, maybe what I have been thinking has been contradictory has actually been about working to find the balance necessary to function optimally in this changing world.
My personality? That might be evolving, too. I have always been warm, personable, somewhat outgoing, but also guarded. I was incredibly mindful of how things I said or did might be perceived. It finally dawned on me that no one is watching me that closely! I have great instincts and instead of second guessing them, I trust them. This new habit has served me very well. I think it has actually had some healing and freeing benefits. Another late life lesson.
For decades, our homes showed my personality. Warm, welcoming, casually elegant, never fussy, open and bright, yet cozy too. It has taken me longer to allow my personality to shine through my clothing. Out in the world I still had an extra layer of protection from the judgement of others. Gosh, a lot of energy went into those outfit decisions.
2020 forced a lot of changes, but through those I have learned to love more deeply, let go of people and things that were weighing me down and to focus on what really matters. DH and I are working to stay healthy and focus on our future. I will be retiring in June. DH will gradually transition towards his retirement, giving more responsibility and leadership of the company to our son.
My current style is relaxed, yet refined. I crave and appreciate comfort, but in my heart I love a little glam, luxe and polish. My clothing is softer, a bit more fluid and less fitted. Ooh accessories? Of course! Let me pull on a double hoodie, a pair of jeans, tall boots and diamonds and pearls. Contradictory or balance? I’m not sure. I just know that it feels right. I’m going to trust my instincts.

And give myself permission to change my mind.

if you read this far, you are a super hero and I appreciate your commitment.

Warmest wishes, dear Fabbers. I’ve been missing you.