I'm sorry, Anna. They get so selfish and self-centered as they get older, and logic holds no sway. My mother was like that and my MIL is getting that way. They want what they want and can't grasp that it may no longer be wise.

I moved my mom into a lovely senior housing place after a unit became available with all the things she wanted: Morning sun, tree, view, second floor. Less than four months later while I was out of town due to my brother-in-law's death, she gave notice. And later moved back to her house without my assistance, aided by her paid and unpaid minions: A house with stairs (and she'd fallen numerous times) and too big and complicated for her to manage. When they are in that in-between stage and could fool a judge or others on a good day for a short period, they are such a danger to themselves. My mom's big complaint about the senior housing? It had too many Republicans!!! Sheesh! I'm a Democrat too, and more or less a Bernie supporter, but the community where she lived and wished to stay is pretty Republican, and she was too snobby to live closer to me where it leans heavily Democratic.

My SIL got my mom one of those Life Alert thingies, but I told SIL that it was more for her and not my mom. And true to form, my mom never used it. Meals on Wheels found her (dead) on the floor in her bedroom with the house temperature close to 100 degrees because the furnace maintenance company to whom she paid a fortune over many years did not set up the new equipment properly and had the heater running with the a/c.

The Meals on Wheels food wasn't particularly tasty, but it meant that someone was checking in on my mom five days per week. For her last few years, she'd stopped cooking but wouldn't admit it to herself. (She made me buy ingredients but wouldn't let me throw away the spoiled stuff so I would pray that I could smuggle it out in some form.) I wanted to get someone(s) to clean and cook for her, but no one would be good enough, be able to read her mind so as to know what to do, or speak English without an accent. Sheesh!

I feel for you. I'm glad you reached out to us. It is such a hard path; please take care of yourself.

I know you're not a parent, but I found this thread on another forum very helpful: http://http//talk.collegeconfi.....ad-p1.html

Back too add another thought. Tell your dad that these places are full of single women who will dote on him. My dad was Valentine King and was forever holding some lady's hand.

You've received much wise advice, Anna. It's a very difficult situation, and unfortunately there is no correct or even optimal solution. Please try to find time and people who can help you meet your own needs, too.

Oh Anna this is so hard and not having anyone to help you would be harder. Please take care of yourself. Call me anytime if you need to talk.
Lots of hugs!

I'm so sorry. I'm also dealing with an elderly parent who shouldn't be living at home (1800 miles from me). As you know, it can be beyond stressful. to deal with the maddening inability to realize that they need help.

Is it possible to hire a care manager? I found one through a social service agency in my mom's town. You pay by the hour - and they are trained to deal with elderly. The service I found offers either a one time consultation to help you figure out all the possible living options/available services or ongoing visits to pay bills, go with them to medical appointments etc. Even if there isn't one in your dad's town, it might be worth talking to one in Seattle.

Please take good care of yourself and let us know what happens.

anna, you've gotten tons of advice here already, so i'm not going to add anymore. i just want you to know that what ever you do, its ok. nothing you do is going to be perfect, and most likely will not make both of you happy, and that's ok as well….

Offering much sympathy. My dad luckily saw reality and was able with the tremendous effort of family and friends to get my mom moved out of their house and into a small apartment near their grandkid. They have enjoyed the lake and birds there a whole lot -- I think that nearby family, access to the outdoors and meeting neighbors walking has made the transition work so far even though it was really, really difficult during the process of shedding hoarded things and moving.

I think a big fear was that as things were let go of (including things like old never read newspapers and shopping lists from a decade ago) that memories and identity would go as well. Family members could help with some parts -- I helped with clothes (thanks YLF!), but some really emotionally charged things like work papers we hired someone to help with since mom would just fight with us and needed someone who would follow her guidance and directions completely, even if to us it looked like super slow progress.

With independent senior living it's sometimes hard to get in, my folks have been on the wait list for the great place my grandma lived and it takes years to move up it. My dad and mom both want me to read the book 'Being Mortal' which I think is about quality of life versus extending life because they say it explains their POV.

Also echoing what Joy said, :D, after my grandmother passed my grandfather met a new girlfriend in senior housing who was a lovely lady and great support for the rest of his life as he eventually moved into the completely assisted living wing there and had increased dementia.

Best wishes to you, Anna. DH and I not there yet, but we're laying the groundwork with my folks, and good communications while everyone is still functioning well can only help later. With my in-laws, we are not going to be so fortunate.

It's OK sometimes to be a "good enough" mother. It's gotta be OK to be a "good enough" daughter, too. You don't know how long your Dad will need your assistance, so you're doing both of you a favor by taking some of your time off to recharge your own batteries --- hiking, going to the opera, taking photos.

Having gone through this process a couple of times, I second the suggestion to read "Being Mortal". It made me realize my own frustration, anxiety, and, yes, occasional resentment certainly didn't help the situation. I wished I'd been more empathetic about what my best-of-intentioned "solutions" actually meant to an elderly adult who was undergoing a very difficult transition stage.

To be frank, the prospect my son might someday suggest I move into a community of elderly people, with pre-planned activities and social events and constant monitoring, fills me with horror. I'm slowly realizing the tremendous sacrifice my mother made when she acquiesced to my request she move into a small near-by apartment, and subsequently into an assisted living suite. Definitely made it easier physically and psychologically for me, but, I'm now thinking, maybe not for her...

I'm sure some day, hopefully in the distant future, I'll see my son rummaging through my junk with an exasperated sigh and feel like digging in my heels. I hope I can forgive him for his rolled eyes, in return for his forgiveness for my longing to go back to a time when I could make my own choices and decisions. Life-altering changes are hard at any age, but, when you get old, you rarely get another chance if the new situation turns out to be a bad one.

Super empathy here. Went through something like this with both my parents, separately because they were divorced.

One thing you are doing that may pay off is to keep researching options for where he might live if he did move closer, olus whatever you can learn about payer sources, discounts, community services and so on. That has more to do with being just a little more prepared, though as already noted, with a lot of places there is a waiting list. Still, you might have some targets for, if he needed this, then that; but if this other, then that. And so on.

I sympathize because many people are very naive about the cost and who pays. For example, some of our young residents will say about an older patient who lives alone, oh, she needs to move to assisted living--not realizing that it can cost $2-5k a month. Even worse for nursing home care--spend down issues, limits on Medicaid beds. They think everything is somehow magically paid for by insurance or government or whatever. And, the more services are needed, the more expensive and vice versa. For example, if a parent can manage mostly alone but do better by being closer to family, then one is dealing with normal rental costs, maybe things like Meals on Wheels, and filling in as an adult child caregiver.
Whereas if one needs supervised meds or other types of care, you are into regulated, specialized living centers.

You might see if he would tolerate someone checking in on him, who would hence be a bell-weather for you, perhaps in the guise of light housekeeping, but that often does not work with the independent-paranoia situation. Each of my parents sent people away when I tried to line something up!

Just wondering how you're doing, Anna.

I'm just seeing this now and have no helpful advice. However, I am sending lots of moral support. You are a terrific, caring, conscientious daughter (and health care provider!), and your dad is very lucky to have you caring for him. I hope you find solutions that help take some of the burden off of you and give your dad a healthy, safe place to live from here on out. Big hugs.

Actually...yes. Reading Being Mortal was a turning point for me and my brother, too -- and allowed us to feel more accepting of our mother's choices while at the same time doing what Beth Ann said -- being aware that we are mortal, too, and need to recharge in the ways that give us health. Your father has the right to choose what he chooses, but if he makes those choices, you also have the right to your life. You need time and space to energize yourself and do the things that give you joy - hiking, opera, meals with friends, wine, fashion when you are up to that.

So today I called a retirement place in the city. It was recommended by a elder care advisor. They only give tours on weekdays at 10am & 1pm. So I guess us working slobs don't get a view.
My work provides a few hours of consulting with an elder care nurse. I had a long phone conversation with her initially. I got an email from her with a list of recommended housing. Three places, All VERY expensive. Also I got some boilerplate stuff about establishing a primary care doctor here. I'm like no **** Sherlock.
I was hoping for advice on how to get him out of his current house.

ETA I think a huge part of my frustration is that I had a golden time from 2008-2014 ish where my life was good enough to find a SO. But my life is now on hold for X years. My family is very long lived. I know the future, the decline. But I also see those patients at work that have no family, where the hospital takes over decision making. I will not do that to my father.

anna, is it possible to keep the house, for now, and having dad "temporarily move"? maybe thru a reverse mortgage, to help with the expense?

Please take heart. Everyone has some kind of " issue" be it family or other.
Any normal SO ( or SO Wannabe) most likely would have issues of his own and if decent, he will be striving just like you. I just have faith that God and the universe will bring the right people together!

Anna, I forgot to tell you a cheerful experience you can share with your dad (on a good day). My theatre director worked into her 80s, vivid and vital and literally running circles around all of us. When her professor husband died, she sold the family home and bought into a senior living center, getting a small patio apartment and taking meals in the communal dining room. Within a couple of weeks she was all but running the place She started a theatre program, walking program and established a group for going out to plays. She joined the Master's swim program and started a tradition of daily swim at 4pm and mint tea at 5pm. For her it was a social place to be filled with new friends eager to join in, theatre beginners she could direct, a decent library, and lots of activity. If your father has a specialty he might find common ground, an outlet for his hobbies, or increased activity if he was willing to spread his wings a little.

Bobbin knew a couple of people living there before she moved. Maybe you could meet someone in your visits who might chat with your dad sometime and share something in common. I wish Bobbin was still with us; she'd convince your dad in a heartbeat. Thinking of you ...

I hear you about wanting to feel like you are "moving forward" especially with regard to an so...you've been doing all the right things by just being yourself and also putting yourself out there. Now Dad 's health issues complicate things. No more advice or words of wisdom. Acknowledging the complexity of the situation and your competing desires which are EQUALLY valid.