Comments about body type - YouLookFab Forum

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Comments about body type

Sharon

Veteran

I had a hard week this week, because I had THREE separate people tell me I was "too thin", one of whom added "Girls are supposed to have curves, you know". Now since I am actually about the same weight as I was before my mastectomy, when I got no negative comments at all, I can only conclude that the comments are not about my weight, but about my body shape. (These people obviously do not know about my recent medical history, but I am reluctant to disclose that in the public setting these comments occur)

I suppose having a fairly socially condoned shape previously must have protected me from people feeling they could comment, even when I was overweight, but I must confess to being absolutely astonished that people feel free to share their negative judgements about my appearance so freely and publicly. I have a friend who is very tall, and she tells me she has experienced this type of commenting her whole life.

I am keen to hear if anyone else has experienced this sort of thing, and if so, how do you handle it? These are acquaintances and work colleagues who I see on a semi-regular basis, so I have to keep things nice.

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LACeleste

Veteran

I am sorry those words were said Sharon. It Is astonishing that people make public judgmental comments, especially about body shape. Their manners are missing. Hope this coming week is much better.

I wish I had strategic advice.

lyn*

(website)

Veteran

I think people make snarky comments one way or another - and it's easier for them to verbalize things against people who are a "socially accepted" shape because it may seem that they are stronger and able to take it?

I get strange comments though - like about how I'm tall, but my legs are too short. Thanks?

MsMary

Veteran

ZOMG. That's horrible.

I'd love to just tell them "Yeah, I was nice and curvy until I lost my curves to illness," but I can understand why you don't want to do that.

How about "Wow. I cannot believe you just insulted my body to my face." And then walk away.

Man. People just suck sometimes.

Caro in Oz

Veteran

This just floors me. Insensitive people are difficult to deal with; especially three in one week. It's tempting to embarrass them, but I think ignoring them is probably the best way to go

deb

Veteran

Sharon, I am sorry these comments were made toward you. I have never been busty, in fact, I am still waiting to develop, but when I weighed a healthy weight of 120 lbs, I got these comments all of the time. I think I just got used to it but you have had major medical issues and it must be so much harder on you. Part of me says I would crawl into bed and hide but another says I need a good comeback for folks like these.

FlorenceFearne

Ugh, I'm sorry. I really can't hink of a good retort to this either, but I wanted to say, maybe you'd feel a little better thinking that these comments are quite possibly just the result of insecurity on the part of the people saying it.

For women, there generally is no such thing as "too thin," if Hollywood is to be believed. To a lot of people, thinner still = better. So I think a lot of women really wish they could be thinner (no matter how much they currently weigh or what the health ramifications would be) and as a result, they basically get defensive and say this to other women who are thinner than they are, like, "oh yeah, well you're not better than me, I don't WANT to be that thin." It's a shame that everybody loses in this kind of situation.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Oh, Sharon. This hurts. Yikes.

Are these people who knew you before? And...I hesitate to ask...but are they people who might be considered overweight (or who might consider themselves overweight)?

Because if that is the case, I wonder if Florence Fearne is right; they are feeling insecure and envious and taking it out on you.

People seem threatened by difference, no matter what form it takes. But it astonishes me that they would be so openly rude.

Sharon

Veteran

Thanks everyone. It's been kind of hard. One of the girls who said it then added "We're just jealous" but the other two were men. They all knew me before. I do understand that I look different and maybe they couldn't put their finger on why and "too thin" was what they came up with.

Quite apart from feeling hurt about the criticism, I find this a really socially awkward situation. My tall friend says she usually just agrees with them and says "Yes, I'm a giant". Maybe that's the way to go. I'm sure eventually they will get used to it.

Glory

Veteran

Some people are rude beyond belief and the many things I would recommend saying can only be said on the inside. But, sometimes it helps to say exactly what you think on the inside without censoring.
I might be tempted to say - Sorry, could you please repeat that? in an incredulous tone of voice.

Jaime

(website)

Veteran

That is so rude. But people think that anything said that implies you are thin or even too thin is ok or even a compliment. I can think of all sort of smart aleck replies in my head, but I would never be able to produce them on the spot. I am so sorry you have to deal with this.

Classically Casual

Veteran

Oh, Sharon, I'm so sorry. I remember when you posted some WIW's in lovely high necked sundresses, and you were gorgeous. What is wrong with these people?!! They seem to speak before they think. I don't have any personal experience with handling this issue. I remember reading that repeating the statement, gives the person a chance to hear how it sounds, and hopefully they'll come to their senses and apologize. Or just walk away. (Maybe kick them first...just kidding)

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Ugh. Sometimes you just have to wonder where people get their manners. I am sorry you had to endure this. That is one reason that I do not care for the whole "real women have curves" thing. We are all real women, all shapes and sizes.

Carla

Veteran

This kind of insensitive rudeness floors me. In the moment, it is hard to come up with a comeback, witty or otherwise. Let's just hope you never, ever need one, ever again.

Gigi

Veteran

I don't have a comeback, but I want you to know that you're not alone. I get this too. I have lost a lot of weight to health problems over the past several years and am unable to gain it back. I just usually smile wanly and say, "Yes, I am" and then move on. I agree with the other posters that since it is socially acceptable to be thin, people feel like they can say these things. They don't realize how offensive it is.

FlorenceFearne

If it happens again, how about, "Well, if you ever want to help me with that problem, you're welcome to buy me lunch anytime. You know where to find me!" said with a smile. It kind of points out the ridiculousness of the comment (like what, you don't eat?) in a lighthearted way, and might even net you a free sandwich or pie or something.

amiable

Veteran

Hugs Sharon - that breaks my heart for you! Unbelievably rude!

Sveta

(website)

Veteran

Some people just don't have social skills - this is how I would treat those comments. I have no idea how I would answer in this situation, I think it would depend on the person and our relationships. I quess I would give them "The Look" and maybe come up with some sarcastic reply which would make them think next time when they open their mouth.:-)
As for your friend: I am very tall and I get those comments as well. They we very offensive to me when I was young and very sensitive about being much taller than most of other people but now I treat them differently: I take them as admiration and envy. They may be not but hey, this is my attitude!:-)

Adelfa

Veteran

One of my DDs is very thin and she gets that. People don't realize that they are basically saying "I am scrutinizing your body right now and passing judgment" which of course is awful. Today at a party some woman who was a stranger to me said she worked with my ex-husband and remembers when I came to the office with my girls (25 years ago when they were toddlers) and asked if my girls still see their father. It was very disappointing. But thankfully most people aren't like that :-/

Echo

Veteran

Wow. Just wow. I am always astounded at how people so naturally believe that women's bodies are open for public critique. Comments regarding weight or body shape, regardless of the reasons for those comments, are completely out-of-bounds - especially for a colleague. Completely unprofessional; harassment, actually. I am so sorry people felt compelled to comment on something that is none of their business.

catgirl

Veteran

I am speechless. I have a friend with a debilitating neuro illness who has lost weight to the point of having to be intubated, and people who know this still will say idiotic things like "at least you can eat whatever you want!" or "I wish I had your problem." Unbearable.

Ignore them with a vengeance..

soobee

Veteran

My standard reply to unwarranted personal comments is "Tell me again how it's any of your business?". Depending on the situation and severity of the comment, there may or not be a rude word in there also

Neel

Veteran

Shockingly rude and idiotic. They must have sand and stones for brains! How do they live with themselves?! Argh .... I am so annoyed for you.

CocoLion

(website)

Veteran

People do stick their foot in their mouths don't they. I hope it's not causing you too much distress. Maybe, take pity on them? Maybe they just can't help it. Or, they are coming from a place of concern (I used to get "you need to put some meat on those bones" all the time from men -- not now, I'm heavier). Or, they are envious. For whatever reason, it is socially acceptable to call it out when people are thin or tall. Just like it's ok to call out someone for being rich. It is less ok to tease someone about being short. But it is completely taboo to joke about someone being fat. Or poor. Go figure, makes no sense but it is this way. If you are in possession of the jewels (thin, tall, rich) then it's assumed you can take it.

Irene

Veteran

I have a very, very naturally thin friend and she has heard the 'real women have curves' phrase too many times, said right in front of her. Honestly, most of the time is out of envy because she looks naturally thin and hot and can eat whatever she wants, and many other women can't do that so they resent her.

*I* get the 'you look too thin' or 'you lost too much weight' comments fairly often, only by people who are close to me though (not colleagues or acquaintances). I still wonder if they would tell me 'You've gained too much weight' or 'you look too fat' if that were the case though. I guess it's socially acceptable to comment on someone's weight loss while it's not considered nice to point out at weight gain. I have to admit that I have done so myself, although I'm changing my perception and trying to not comment on that.

Now, people commenting on you not having curves, or on Lyn* having too short legs (excuse me?) I truly do not understand. At all. Especially coming from acquaintances. Why in the world would you say something like that?

MuseumGal

Veteran

I'm so sorry that you have to deal with such jerkfaces. How about killing them with kindness. A reply like "How kind of you to point that out," works in almost any awkward situation.

Janet

(website)

Veteran

I'm so flabbergasted at people's rudeness! I like MaryK and Glory's responses. But I also know that in the moment, you're usually too shocked to muster any kind of response other than an incredulous stare.

I do agree that there seems to be more cultural tolerance for people commenting on thinness than heaviness. "Oh my gosh, look how tiny you are!" is often construed as some sort of compliment, and I do think it often comes about because of envy from someone who struggles with their weight.

A few years ago, I was present when my husband's ex-wife saw one of my husband's friends for the first time in 15 years or so, and she said to him, "Wow, you got fat!" I saw from the expression on his face that he was biting his tongue not to say, "Wow, you did too!"

When will people learn that it is NEVER a good idea to comment on these kinds of things? Probably only when others call them out on it.

Kristin L

Veteran

I'm so sorry Shannon. I'm sending you big hugs.

I remember my friends in high school constantly telling me I was "too thin". Even on of the upperclassmen in my band section made the comment that "her legs are too $%^& long for her own good". Then, after my first year of college, I was at home when my mom and brother had a bunch of people over from marching band. All of the moms there were women who had watch me grow up in high school and one looked over at me when I was looking for something in the fridge and told me that I finally looked healthy because I had gained the Freshman 15. Needless to say, I shut the fridge door and when back to my room.

Elly

Veteran

I'm sorry to hear this. I often get after my mother for being very critical of other women's bodies (although not to their faces) and particularly talking about how thin or heavy women are . . . she has struggled with her own weight for ages and seems to judge thin women especially harshly. However, I also know that she has been treated unkindly for her weight, which is largely because of a medical problem--- she teaches school and one fellow teacher in particular is always talking about what a bad influence overweight teachers are on students, amongst other things. I know for my mother it is because she feels self-concious and her snarkiness is more about her than anyone else.

I studied humans in college, so I'm likely to notice differences in form, but I would never point them out, nor do I think that they somehow impact someone's value as a person.

As far as men go, IDK why they think they have the right to comment on women's bodies. I think a lot of them aren't sensitive about their own bodies or pretend not to be that they just don't get that it hurts, and some are just jerks and society says that that is ok.

I've had some serious health problems and at have occasionally gained a little weight (I have heart issues and even when I don't gain a pound, when my heart function isn't as good as it should be I collect fluid in my torso and swell and can gain 15 pounds overnight) and have had my ex make comments about me letting myself go (while we were still dating) because I was so uncomfortably swollen I couldn't stand to wear a real waistband. I also often get comments about being "big" even though I am fairly proportionate because I am fairly tall with long arms and legs and broad shoulders. Everyone wants to hear that!

ironkurtin

Veteran

I default to Miss Manners when I can. "Well, bless your heart" is something I hear a lot in Southern states. It has an unspoken "you idiot" after it, but you say it sweetly.

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