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clothing issue with DD - what would you do?

anne

Veteran

My second daughter DD6 is average height and tiny in frame, and almost never actually grows out of anything. DD4 is tall for her age and rapidly catching her up.

We swapped the girls clothes over to the winter stuff recently, and DD4 has only 3 dresses (which would be enough in my opinion, but not hers, as she doesn't go to school full time yet and likes to wear dresses a lot)

DD6 had six dresses, but didn't want to hand down a single one to her sister! I made her give up one, and am taking DD4 thrifting today to see if we can another one or two cheaply)

BUT, DD6 doesn't actually wear these dresses!! Her main opportunity is church, since she is in school uniform all week. She only wants to wear an old handed down denim prairie skirt. It doesn't look too bad if I iron a top to go with it but she has some truly lovely dresses which were bought new for her by an extravagent friend. She argues it shouldn't matter what she wears to church, which I sort of agree with - but she'll never get to wear these gorgeous dresses. Apparently (according to DD8) she is keeping them for the memories, whatever that means. So she isn't keen on sharing them, or even wearing them.

What would you do? Is this a battle I should choose to fight?

General

14 replies

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qfbrenda

Veteran

Hmmm... I would probably let her choose 1-2 dresses to save for "memories" and let her donate the rest to her sister.... or at least choose a couple of them for her sister. I have 5 boys so we do lots of hand-me-downs. I would let a boy keep a favorite shirt until it was falling off of him if he wanted, but I wouldn't let him hoard a half dozen perfectly nice shirts so no one else could wear them, when he wouldn't wear them either. There is a balance between saving for memories and not being selfish. Hopefully you can help her find that balance. I would probably put the control in her hands as much as possible and let HER be the one who decides which ones go to her sister. But in our house it would be "you choose or mom will choose".... not "you choose unless you decide you don't want to give any of them."

anne

Veteran

Yes, I did that with the dresses.(I made her choose which jackets/sweaters she would give too) I am not as concerned anbout DD4 as about the how she is not wearing her clothes. It seem hypocritical. 3 of those dresses were bought specifically for her, and have been only worn once each. That does not qualify them to be chosen to be kept for the memories (I do have a clothing archive box). She should wear them a bit first!

I can make her do what I want! I guess I am getting some input on whether this is a battle I should choose to die on (IYKWIM)!

Echo

Veteran

From my perspective, if she hasn't worn them, then they don't contain any memories. Yes, it was nice to be given gifts, but can you explain to her that the giver is usually happier when an item is used, even if the original recipient doesn't use them herself?

I have two boys and a girl, so hand-me-downs happen between the boys, but not to DD. I do know that girls react differently to things, but my kids have been taught to share so much that they have never questioned something passed on to a brother or even things going to Goodwill. And besides that, while I agree that kids ought to be allowed to make some decisions, this isn't her call to make. Beautiful clothes do not sit in a closet unworn until they fit no one and are of no use. That isn't an option, IMO.

I think that allowing her to choose one dress to keep might be a fair compromise, but otherwise those dresses ought to be worn by someone who loves them.

Anonymous

Hmmmm. I think I would tell her that she could have first dibs on any given Sunday to wear one of her pretty dresses (which she wouldn't even wear) and then DD4 would get to choose from the remaining dresses one to wear to church. I wouldn't let DD4 play in them on a weekday, though, as they seem like special frocks. This way she isn't giving or handing down the dresses to DD4 yet, only sharing them with her. Just an idea!

rae

(website)

Veteran

I'm not a mom, so maybe my view is more juvenile, but here it is... IMO, since the dresses were gifts to DD6, they are her property and hers to keep if she wants. I think we all used to "save" clothes that were too nice to wear at some time or another. I might feel differently if you thought DD4 really had nothing to wear, but since your opinion was that 3 dresses is enough to fill the need, this is a battle of WANT vs. WANT in my view. If you place one daughter's wants over the other's wants, it could be taken as favoritism even if it isn't meant that way.

christieanne

Veteran

I think it is more of a sibling rivalry thing and not really about the dresses. She may be feeling a bit of jealousy or just very principled about keeping her own space right now.
I wouldn't worry too much or force the issue immediately - perhaps suggest for the next few Sundays that she wear a dress from her closet. Is it possible to find her another of the skirts she loves at thrift store or do you sew? She might feel the younger is getting more than her and doesn't feel it's fair since she is the oldest.

Deborah

Veteran

Anne as you know I have one child so the sibling issue doesn't present in our home, however we have close friends and we pass Master 9's clothes on to Little Master 5 who is like family. But back to you... it depends on what you feel the issue is and is this an opportunity for you to be teaching or sharing a particular principal with DD that you feel is important. I know she is only a child but the principals of generosity and sharing (even with your little sister) are important and need to be grasped when we are young (I know you know where I am coming from on this) but you are really the only one who knows if this is a battle you need to fight. And sometimes its not the battle itself as much as is the need to establish who is the boss so to speak. Allow her some control and decision making perhaps by allowing her to choose one dress to keep and pass the others to DD4. You're the mum

rute

Veteran

eh eh I never had this problem because no one here is attached to things!
I would let her keep 1 dress for memories!

RoseandJoan

Veteran

Anne, I know these issues are important to you and generosity, practicality and not placing too much emphasis on material possessions are things you wish for your daughters to understand.I also know both you and your husband are teaching your daughters by example.

I would try (again) to explain to DD6 that the dresses are not being worn and that DD4 has a need for new clothes. I would then suggest to DD6 that if she were to pass on the dresses you would reward her generosity by taking her thrifting for a new church outfit which she loved. In time I am sure she will learn that generosity is in itself its own reward .

If she is feeling sentimental about the dresses you could try capturing the memory for her in another form e.g. DD6 drawing pictures of the dresses or taking photographs of her wearing them for her memory box. (The thing that strikes me most about my memory box is how the items have no monetary value, for example I have the ribbon which was tied around my wedding bouquet, the soap from the hotel we stayed at and the shell from the beach of my favourite holiday).

Traci

Veteran

Sometimes with my girls the issue is not with the sharing, but the permanence of giving something away. My girls will often share something if they know that at the end of the day the ownership comes back to them, and that they have the option to wear or use it again one day w/o having to ask for their sister's permission. If they're wearing the same size, just have them share all 9 dresses.

anne

Veteran

Thanks so much for all the contributions to this thread. So much wisdom here, and points of view I can empathize with in each one! I feel the benefit of my relationships here when I know some of you know enough about me to know where I am coming from!

I think I have conflated 2 issues here. First DD4 not getting enough, and secondly, the hoarding.

The first one has effectively been solved. I did insist she gave up one dress (she wouldn't pick, so I picked on that she had worn for 2 winters already and was a handmedown not just from but to her older sister). I went thrifting today and found another dress for DD4 (strictly speaking it isn't a winter dress/jumper but it is a shortsleeve shirtdress she can layer under, so just as good - she loves it) So DD4 is covered. I was disappointed in DD6 not wanting to give the dresses up, but apart from the one, I haven't insisted on it, and do understand some of the attachment issues that have been raised. OTOH, we have always handed clothes down in our family, even gifts, so that could bring up problems in the long term.

The second problem - DD6 not wearing the clothes, annoys me because it is in conjunction with not giving them away. It isn't that she doesn't like them - she loves them! She just doesn't wear them! And I am not keen on any suggestions to buy her more clothes, even just thrifted ones, when she has perfectly good clothes sitting there.

I guess my inclination is to, as Deborah suggested, say I am the boss and I am going to choose what you wear (or at least between options I suggest) and make her wear them! We are having a lot of issues over arguing the point with her at the moment!

Thanks again for all your thoughts!

Louise

Veteran

Could it be she just needs some time to get used to the idea of giving up the dresses? Could you suggest a wardrobe cull in order to make room for future new items? I kinda see where she's coming from as in she's giving up her things for her sister instead of deciding to get rid of some things she no longer wants and her sister getting first dibbs on the cast offs? A very subtle difference to us but where sibling rivalry's concerned? Next time I'd use reverse psychology don't tell dd she's giving them up for her sister say you're just doing a wardrobe cull then when your done and about to take them down the op shop say "hey I wonder if dd would like any of these?" my mum (and brothers ex when she lived with us) and I always do this before anything goes to the charity shop we see if the other wants any of it x

Louise

Veteran

Reading over other replies clearlyclaire is onto something would dd6 'share' the dresses? They stay in her wardrobe but dd4 can wear them to church, parties etc then gradually you can make the move with them to dd4's wardrobe? X

Anonymous

Just another thought...could you take photos of your daughter in all the dresses that she wants as memories showing details of the dresses, etc., then pass the dresses on to make room in her closet for new-to-her things? You could even get an inexpensive little photo-holder book to put her pictures in for her.