Clothing comments in the workplace: What's appropriate? - YouLookFab Forum

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Clothing comments in the workplace: What's appropriate?

April

Veteran

SO was asking me this morning whether there is any way that is appropriate for a male colleague to verbally appreciate any part of a female coworker's outfit. (To be more specific, virtually all of the situations we were talking about would involve "male workplace superior" and "female junior employee.")

We decided that it's not okay to comment if:

1. The outfit is even slightly provocative, or
2. You're commenting on something that sits near a private body part (e.g., okay to comment on a scarf, but not pants)

But then we couldn't think of *anything* that's okay to say besides, "That's a great color on you."

What say you? Is it better for men not to say anything, for fear of being misinterpreted? Or is it okay to give a clothing-related compliment?

And I'm guessing the rules are different for woman-to-woman compliments, but what do you think?

General

39 replies

Latest reply was from yublocka

Queen Mum

Veteran

I would say it's better to play safe and not comment at all. I guess comments like "oh, what a nice scarf you have" or "cool shoes" or "nice coat" are benign enough but unless the male and female coworkers have a comfortable casual rapport with each other I'd stay away from even those. I for one can't think of any male in my life who I would feel 100% comfortable getting clothing compliments from other than my husband of course. (or my kids

Maya

Veteran

I don't know...maybe it's my age but I really don't care. I would not be uncomfortable getting a compliment from a man that I would be comfortable hearing from a woman. As long as the compliments are about my clothes and not about my physical being, I don't feel bothered at all. Obviously I don't want to hear "nice tits" at the workplace, nor anywhere else, but "that's a great dress" doesn't even remotely make me uncomfortable. In fact I'd feel good knowing that my efforts are being noticed. I don't see any benefit to being so easily offended, and you all know what a frigid prude I am!

Actually the other day, my boss complimented my new fringe. Not clothes exactly but still similar. I didn't think twice about it.

marianna

Veteran

My boss at my former job used to say "You look nice." I always liked hearing that and it never made me feel awkward and I didn't think twice about it. He never commented on specific clothing items though, just my appearance in general. Not sure if that's a safer route, but it didn't bother me.

Steph

Veteran

I'm with Maya. I always appreciate compliments, and wouldn't mind if someone said "that's a pretty skirt" or "nice top" or "you look really great in that outfit," regardless of gender. Obviously, I wouldn't think it were appropriate if anyone commented on a specific body part ("your boobs look great in that sweater" or "wow, that skirt really shows off your butt" would not be appropriate). But unless it were something obvious like that, I'm fine with it. I used to get compliments from men and women on various aspects of my clothing, and gender never crossed my mind. I wonder if that is a generational thing.

I do agree with queenie that some men might feel like it is safer not to comment on clothing at all, for fear of the recipient of the comment taking it the wrong way. No one wants to be subject to a sexual harassment suit.

Itari

(website)

I don't really mind compliments, as long as they are not sexual innuendos. "Beautiful hair", or whatever - it's fine. I don't dress provocatively and I'm not attractive, so I don't hear things like "nice tits".

April

Veteran

As a self-assessment, I can buy "I don't dress provocatively," but "I'm not attractive"? That won't do at all, Magda. It's seriously making me question your perception of reality.

Perhaps I'm naive, but it's hard to imagine that there are work environments nowadays where men actually say things like "nice tits" to female colleagues. I was more asking about whether *any* clothing-related commentary is inappropriately personal in the workplace.

I'm tallying up the results so I can report back to SO, and so far Kim feels it's best to leave things unsaid while a number of others think that compliments on appearance are fine as long as they're not overtly sexual or otherwise nettlesome (a la the recent comment on Marianne's shoes.)

Anyone else share Kim's feeling of discomfort about compliments from men not in one's family?

Maya

Veteran

I didn't mean that men still say things like that (for the most part--but there will always be scumbags in the world), I was just using it as an example of something that is obviously inappropriate and harassment compared to an innocent compliment.

I find it sort of surprising to hear that people feel uncomfortable being complimented on their clothes or appearance. Isn't it something we expect when we put so much effort into our presentation? Isn't it nice to have it acknowledged rather than ignored? To me the gender of the person giving the compliment doesn't really matter. When we put so much stock into that, we are buying into the idea that men and women can't fully coexist in the workplace.

Itari

(website)

April, if you thought that I wrote it to make others say something like "not true, you're beautiful", I can assure you that it's not the case.

I'm not really used to compliments, but it doesn't matter whether it's a man commenting or a woman, at least for me. It's more about "what" and less about "who".

rute

Veteran

Of course is different, I appreciate female comments but not men's. Well, at my work men do not comment outfits, I think they just don't notice (or they pretend to not notice).

Kristine

Veteran

How about "you look bedazzled", "they're going to think you're my parole officer" (when wearing a blazer) or "you're wearing those funky stockings again" (microfishnets). Those are the kind of comments I get at work. But we all share a sarcastic sense of humor and I've known my co-workers for years so I don't mind. I've also been told my male co-workers that I simply look nice and I don't mind that either.

Tricia

Veteran

I have one male co-worker that tells me often that he likes my clothes. Not in a skeevy way at all. He is older than me - late 40s, and has a teenage daughter, so maybe he's more tuned in to the world of women's fashion or something? Anyway, we are friendly and sarcastic with one another and it has never bothered me. (We were actually joking the other day because he complimented my dress and then said "Wow...you have a lot of clothes, don't you?" I said that if straight men who don't live in my house are starting to notice the size of my wardrobe, that must mean it's way too big!

One other male coworker complimented my dress, once. It was the first day I wore the Nine West "magic dress" and he took my photo (he's our corporate photographer and I was standing in for a subject while he tested the lighting for a shoot) and when we were done he said "Your dress is a great color." Again, not skeevy at all, and I didn't mind because a) I think he meant it worked well in photos (the photo he took is my avatar here!) and b) he's my age and I have an enormous crush on him. *blush*

Maya

Veteran

I wish my workplace crush would compliment me Tricia! Lucky you. Mine doesn't even talk to me...although that is mostly my fault :p But anyway...

I wrote this story on Carissa's blog once and don't know if I ever told it here, but here goes: When I was in college, I had a pink sweater I bought from H&M. I wore it to my French class one day, and one of the other male students looked at me and said "I really like your sweater" or something to that effect. I didn't really understand why, as it wasn't that extraordinary and most guys don't like pink, but whatever. I didn't think about it too hard. When class got out and I went to the bathroom, what did I find staring back at me in the mirror but two very noticeable nipples! I was so mortified.

Obviously I knew nothing about bras at this point...

Anyway, THAT bothered me because it was obviously about my chest and not about my sweater.

April

Veteran

Just so you know, Magda, I think *you* actually do believe that about not being attractive, and I realize there's nothing more useless than having someone try to convince you of something if your gut tells you otherwise. But for whatever it's worth, *I* don't believe it.

Although I work in a mostly-female environment (elementary school), I'm trying to think about whether it would bother me to be complimented by a man. I don't think so.

I do know that having a man tell me I look nice and having a woman tell me I look nice are on completely different scales for me. From a man, I take that comment to mean something like, "You look pretty," which is pleasant but not something to take seriously. From a woman, I take it to mean, "That's a great outfit," and *that* makes me very happy.

taylor

Veteran

April, interesting thread.
I guess I am in the "I like compliments, as long as they are not sexually driven "camp.

I came to work last week and my manager, about a 30 yr. old male said " oh, you look cute, and I see you lightened your hair" Well, I liked that, but I noticed a couple of sideways glances from my co-workers"/

Maya's first response cracked me up...seriously would any guy have the nerve to say that to a woman, without risk of loosing an eye...."nice ti-s" how disgusting!!!. Although i guess there is that segment of the female population who are looking for that response.

crazyone

Veteran

I like the compliments I receive, but I've thus far only received them from fellow grad students in my lab I knew well, not from someone older and had authority over me. I don't know whether this was what you were asking exactly, but if I had to advise your husband, I'd advise that in a work situation he *not* make comments about clothing, even if they're entirely innocent and just about the article of clothing (i.e. that's a nice dress vs. that dress really flatters your figure), just because you never know whether the person receiving the compliment will take it badly and it could all result in a sexual harassment suit or the like.

Mac

Veteran

A lot of it is in the delivery, don't you think? On Friday, I was at the library in an extremely unsexy outfit and an older man passed and smiled at me. I returned his smile and he said, "you're lovely." Normally, I'd think that was a delightful and entirely appropriate comment, but he said it in kind of a pervy whisper and looked me up and down as he said it and so that otherwise nice compliment became something that felt rather gross.

I've never had a compliment from a male co-worker that makes me feel uncomfortable. "That colour looks great on you," or "You look really nice today" are the general kind of compliments I've received from them. But, then again, there are many gay men in my field and I know they're not trying to check out my breasts : )

chewyspaghetti

Veteran

I'm so far out of the work force, that I have no idea. It's been interesting reading the responses though!

Anonymous

Silence is golden.

My husband is an attorney and I asked him about this. He says he would never comment on a female colleague's appearance. Ever.

No doubt there are exceptions where a man can compliment a female friend and it means nothing to either one of them, but a man can't go wrong in the workplace by keeping his mouth shut.

Maya

Veteran

I don't know. Maybe I'm naive and lack confidence, but I feel haughty assuming that all men who compliment me think I'm pretty or "hot" or whatever. Not that you are haughty April. I probably just have a complex.

Totally agree with Mac too. It irks me any time I see some guy shamelessly checking me out. I don't mind the act of checking someone out--we all do it. I just hate it when they are so NOT discreet about it.

I also think age has something to do with it. Someone my age or not that much older can probably get away with giving me a more personal compliment, whereas an older man would give me the creeps a bit no matter what his intentions.

I'm sure you're all stick of my stories and anecdotes, but indulge me in one last one: The worst interview of my life involved a man sort of hitting on me at the interview. He was not a part of the interview but was in the same room where the interview took place. The woman who was interviewing me stepped out for a moment and he introduced himself and said something like "Kelly never introduces me to the beautiful ladies she brings in to freelance." I wonder to this day if he could feel my skin crawling as he shook my hand.

Since the rest of the interview went so horribly, I really considered just sneaking out before my interviewer returned.

Kristen

(website)

Veteran

To go back to April's original question, I think it is appropriate for peers to comment on each other's outfits, male or female, but when it is the boss it is not wise to do to their employees of the opposite gender, ever.

My male coworkers used to comment sometimes about my clothes, but mostly in a kidding way. "Wow, those are some heels!" "Hey, are you in pants? Are you okay?" And once in a while there was one who would say something nice about a color or a pattern, and then he would get the funniest look on his face, like he couldn't believe he noticed or even said it aloud! Hahaha.

Katiepea

(website)

Veteran

I have to admit that I am suspicious of comments coming from the opposite sex in the workplace.

My ickiest (I hope you know what I mean!) comment that I can recall specifically in regard to this issue was one (male) colleague saying to me that "I really love the pendant that you wear - I always admire it on you!".

Now, yes, granted, it was a very special pendant as it was actually a solid gold medal won by my grandfather in a singing competition (so it was very distinctive and original). However, I couldn't help but think, is this you just trying to have an excuse to look down my top on a regular basis?!

Ele

(website)

Since I've mainly worked in the fashion industry (at least until 18 months ago), comments on fashion and appearance are par for the course. It's never bothered me at all, though it does mainly come from women.

Maya's comment on "nice tits" made me laugh out loud, particularly as I've actually had an experience a little like that! When I worked for Fendi in 2005, I had this one top that was gathered in the middle, and I guess made my chest look quite large. One morning when I was wearing it in the staff room, a co-worker (male) blurted out "Have you had a boob job?". I said "No, but so-and-so asked me the same thing when I wore this last week, maybe I should stop".

But of course all the men there were gay, flamboyant and Italian, so it didn't seem weird to me at all. Well, maybe a little.

wilson

This is so funny for me! I work with all men (I am the only female car sales person at a dealership) and I have gotten a lot of comments on my appearance: clothes only, never anything about my physical features.

The few men who have never commented about my appearance at all (not even "You look nice" or "That's a nice color") are the ones I respect the most and who I perceive to be the most professional and educated.

None of the comments are overtly sexual (to me) but I can see they very well could be perceived by someone else to be offensive, things like "Those shoes are HOT!". In the context that things have been said, it has never bothered me. But my advice to a man would be to NOT SAY ANYTHING because even with the best of intentions it can come out wrong and at the very least his coworker will inwardly roll her eyes and perceive him to be not very educated.

Itari

(website)

April, sorry for not noticing your answer. I'm sorry if my previous post seemed harsh and accusing. I do appreciate your opinions.

This thread is getting hilarious, especially when I'm reading your personal experiences There's one thing on my mind: would you feel uncomfortable if a lesbian or bisexual women commented your appearance (not in a crude and sexual way, of course).

malcontent

I think it's possible for a man to compliment a woman on her attire without seeming lecherous. I've rarely been offended when a man has complimented my clothing. While I've had men say things like "that's a sexy dress" which would obviously be inappropriate if we had been in an office setting, I've also had more neutral compliments. Recently, I've had a man compliment my bright red Ecco flats. And I recently had a man compliment my choice of a bright pink scarf to offset a chocolate brown dress. Both these men are straight, but there was clearly nothing sexual about their comments. It is far more common for men to compliment my looks than what I am wearing, and I tend to find comments about my clothing to be less charged than comments on my face, hair, or figure.

I do think it is highly, highly unlikely that a man who makes a benign compliment on a female colleague's clothing would face complaints of sexual harassment. In most cases, the behavior has to be egregious before a complaint is made and extremely egregious before anything like a lawsuit would be considered. A more valid concern is being perceived of as sleazy, but I still think kindly-intended, non-lecherous comments are unlikely to come off as offensive. In my own life, I've been made more uncomfortable by men who do not comment on my appearance, but who stare at my face and breasts, who take opportunities to glance down my blouse, or who turn conversations toward sexual innuendo. It's especially awful when such a man is in a position of authority, but such behavior still doesn't necessarily meet the threshold for sexual harassment.

yublocka

(website)

Veteran

I don't mind getting compliments...be they from male, female, who cares!!

Having said that, one of my bosses last year used to always comment on, rather than compliment my clothes choice. In a non-sexual way, but it still seemed weird and inappropriate to me. There is one green shirt I always seem to pair with a blue cardigan, and he would say things like "do you really think blue and green go together". I would always reply very chirplily "yep I do, that's why I'm wearing it", but I always wished I could ask him why he thinks thats worse than being 6 foot tall and wearing pants up above your ankles....so not PPL!!!

Isabel

Veteran

I think that what you came up with is fair. Women tend to have more leeway with other woman. But I do think the most appropriate is to just say " you look nice" or that outfit is very flattering/nice, etc. "

Unfortunately, in today's society, you have to be very, very careful. Especially men.

( my husband and I worked for the same company while we were dating - I know, I know. No one knew. While we were away at a meeting, a supervisor asked him if he had noticed that my T shirts were either getting tighter or my boobs were getting bigger. My then secret boyfriend almost hit him .....and then lectured him on being appropriate. )

Maya

Veteran

Oh Isabel, your story gives me hope! And what a gross old creep. I shudder to think what boys I knew from high school when I was a pencil thin C cup might assume when they see me today..

(This from the girl who is sitting at work Googling her workplace crush...at my other job of course. Who am I to accuse someone else of being creepy?)

Tam, your post made me lol and everyone just looked at me and asked what was so funny. Uhhh...

Michelle

(website)

Veteran

Fascinating conversation, April!!
I'm starting to think there may be some generational dynamics at work, because I'm with Tam, Maya and Marianna on this issue -- complements are great, no matter who they come from. Context is important, however, and I share the group's distaste for sexually-tinged complements in general and at the workplace in particular. The only time people got away with that was several years ago when some flamboyantly gay former-coworkers whistled at me as I walked by them. We had a very joky dynamic, I wasn't the sort to float their boat, and they clearly meant the catcall to be both amusing and complementary (which it was).

It was also their way of greeting me quickly and letting me know they were there, since they can't wave or wink at me etc.

At my current workplace, most of the fashion comments do come from women. However there's one broadcaster who's remarked on the colour of my clothing from time to time and another guy who often seems to notice my jewelry. I'm absolutely fine with both of these. That said, I now realize that both these guys are equals and not superiors. None of my male bosses have ever commented on so much as my hair, so I suppose they're playing by the rules set down by Kristen, April's SO, Anne et al. They're definitely sound rules and make a great deal of sense, but I know I wouldn't mind if the ranking men around here broke them tastefully.

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