Close Relative with Bipolar Disorder - YouLookFab Forum

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Close Relative with Bipolar Disorder

Ingunn

(website)

Veteran

I've been reluctant to share this, but I really need to talk to someone. One of my relatives (not my husband or children) has bipolar disorder. It has been going on for years with episodes of hypomania and most of all long, severe depressions. Of course, everything gets very difficult when life is like this, so there have been numerous episodes involving divorce, loss of work several times, and alcohol/substance abuse for my relative. We can only watch this happen, and do so little to help.

Just before our family's trip to France to celebrate my mother, there was a new incident. Isolation, depression for him and so much worrying on our part. It culminated in a suicide attempt, the first serious one, which we learned about while in France. The trip was really stressful for me, I felt so insecure being abroad with a very unstable relative and my own family to protect, too. When we returned we had him hospitalized, so for the next few days we're all safe, but what then? I know he will be released again soon, and left to handle the treatment and medication on his own - he no longer lives with his family. I'm deeply worried.

Thank you for listening. That's what I need right now.

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29 replies

Latest reply was from Carla

ironkurtin

Veteran

My sympathies to you and your family. I have seen others go through this as well and it is hard. I understand the correct medications really do help. A friend found a book called "Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder" helpful, maybe it could be a resource for you.

Ingunn

(website)

Veteran

Thank you, IK. I will look into the book. I love him for sure, but I need help with coping, so I'm sure it can be helpful to read more about how.

texstyle

(website)

Veteran

So sorry to hear you are going through this challenge Ingunn. I don't have any direct experience with the specific disorder, but I do know what it's like to have a relative living in a bad mental situation. The book IK mentioned sounds like a good idea. I wonder if there might be a support group (maybe even online) for bipolar disorder that could be useful for you and maybe even him? I find that sometimes it's good to just see what other people have experienced so it's not "just me" going through the emotions without any way to gauge my own feelings.

Ingunn

(website)

Veteran

Thank you, Tex. I have considered finding a support group, or at least maybe seeing a therapist. You are right, finding perspective is crucial.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Ingunn, I am so so sorry. This is very difficult. I do not have a relative with bipolar but I have lived with family members who are mentally ill and at times violent. It is difficult and heart-rending and sometimes there is no easy or obviously right approach.

Based on my own experience, I would say that finding a support group or community of some kind can be absolutely key to maintaining your own sanity. Also, like they say on the airplanes, put on your own oxygen mask first. Make sure that you don't fall into the very easy trap of neglecting self-care. You need every ounce of strength for this type of situation and sometimes resilience is hard to come by in the difficult moments.

Wishing you strength and courage in this painful time.

Laurinda

Veteran

Big hugs to you for what you are going through. I hope you find some good local support.

Isabel

Veteran

Ingunn, I am so sorry. : ( I have nothing to say that can help. I know on a small level what you are going through. My dad raised a nephew who ended up being schizophrenic. He was delusional and paranoid and wouldn't take his meds. He was dangerous. Though he lived hours away, he would often drive to our house or my dad would go to his and it was horrible. He never hurt anyone though and ended up committed for a while until he passed of a heart attack. Mental illness and its insidious effects are just horrible on the healthy people having to live through it. I cannot imagine living in that fear. Please keep us updated. Great big hugs, Ingunn.

Alassë

Veteran

I'm so sorry to hear this, Ingunn. I hope you find some strength and support on YLF.

rachylou

Veteran

Stressful and disruptive are understatements. And, yes, it's a disease people can die from.

I'm an advocate of the three deep breaths/big sighs. Have found that helpful in calming one's own physiology. I have also found it helpful to develop a fall-back musing for the mind... um, like what I'll wear tomorrow. Something that won't wind me up when it won't do any good.

So um... what are you gonna wear tomorrow?

Ingunn

(website)

Veteran

Suz, that is very true. I need to stay strong for my own family's sake and my mother's sake, too. Normally I manage, but this time it became more stressful than usual.

Isabel, the situation you describe is somewhat similar except for the delusion and paranoia. In our case, it's alcohol abuse and isolation/depression that are the most dangerous and stressful times.

Thank you for the support, Alassë and Laurinda! It really helps.

Rachy, you are spot on. Your words make me smile and want to cry a little from relief. Deep breaths and fall back musings are great helpers. I'll keep you posted on tomorrow's outfit:)

Meredith

Veteran

Hugs. No advice, just comiseration.

Isabel

Veteran

Ingunn, I hope that you find a safe place ( support group ) to talk about it . : (

Gigi

Veteran

I'll be praying for you and your family. One of my best friends has a sister with bipolar disorder, and it can be quite the roller coaster. How stressful for all of you.

Ingunn

(website)

Veteran

Thank you, Meredith, Isabel and Gigi. Yes, a roller coaster it is.

bj1111

Veteran

I am so sorry that you are experiencing this. As much as the focus is on the ill person, I am a firm advocate of taking care of the family. You MUST take care of yourself and your family first. It is NOT selfish to do so. You can not help your relative if you are so anxious for your family. Support groups, three breaths/big sighs, keeping your family at arms length from your relative (while you continue to engage) are all things that may be necessary.

Best of luck.

shedev

Veteran

I'm sorry you are going through this. I had a sister in law, and good friend, who is bipolar and know first hand how difficult it can be.

Janet

(website)

Veteran

Oh, Ingunn, I know firsthand how hard this is. One of my stepsons was hospitalized two years ago for similar reasons (no suicide attempt or violence, thank goodness, but very disturbing behavior). I can't tell you how much sleep we lost or how stressed out my husband was. This is a really hard thing to go through, and I encourage you to get whatever help you need to cope through this time.

I don't know if this will be helpful or not, but I want to give you some encouragement. Treatment can be successful. My stepson is now doing great -- he is back to the loving, smart, talented person we know and love, after months of seeming like a stranger. A huge key thing for him is staying away from all mind-altering substances -- no alcohol, no pot, etc. His treatment had to be two-pronged: addressing the addiction problem as well as the mental illness, and it's notable how often the two go hand-in-hand. He is continuing to work with his therapist as well. These things can be managed, but it's difficult for the person with the illness, and for the people who love them.

What Suz said is absolutely correct. Make sure you take care of yourself and those who depend on you first. The sad truth is that you can only do so much to help him -- he needs to stay on track with his medication and treatment. This is the most difficult thing -- so many people who have this issue think they can just stop taking meds when they feel better, as they think they don't need them anymore.

We're really encouraged by how well my stepson is doing, but there is always the knowledge that he could have a relapse. Taking care of ourselves helps to alleviate this ongoing stress in our lives to some extent, but this is something that will always be looming in the back of our minds. He's a grown man, and there is only so much we can do for him. It's so hard -- you feel so helpless.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Please PM me if you ever need a shoulder.

Sal

Veteran

So sorry to hear this. Such a challenge for you all. I think you have received very wise advice from the forum members. Take care.

Sveta

(website)

Veteran

Oh Ingunn - hugs! This is quite an ordeal to go through. I don't have any practical advice based on the personal experience but echo Suz in taking care of yourself and your family as your highest priority.
Good luck!

lyn*

(website)

Veteran

Aside from the excellent advice the other ladies have provided, I wanted to add that if available in your area, a lot of our patients have mental health therapists that are based in the community to help with things like getting to appointments, making sure they are taking their pills, getting out to socialize, finding meaningful employment and such. Are such services available in your area for your relative to access once he becomes better?

avicennia

Veteran

Ingunn, I little experience with this, so no words of wisdom. But, the idea that you must put your oxygen mask on first seems very sensible. Also, please know that you have many people thinking of you. We are across many time zones, so you'll be receiving good thoughts 24 hours a day!

jackiec

Veteran

I am so sorry to hear about this. It is very stressful. We have had some experience with the condition within our extended family and it definitely caused some traumatic waves. Suz' advice to put your own mask on first is spot on. We had to cut ties for quite some time, as hard as it was. We had to keep our family's safety in mind. Happy to report that with the right meds and therapy the family member is just fine, and the family has healed. Please take care. I am sorry you are going through this.

columbine(erin)

Veteran

Sorry to hear about this, Ingunn, sending you thoughts and prayers. Take care.

Ingunn

(website)

Veteran

You have already provided so much care and comfort for me. Thank you so much, all of you.

Lucy

Veteran

Ingunn, my thoughts are with you
My mother is bipolar, so I am familiar with the ups and downs. Especially as she refuses medication :(. There have been suicide attempts but not physical violence towards others. Plenty of verbal violence though.
It does seem to have gotten (a bit) better in the past two years, as she is ageing and also has some other health conditions which deplete her energy overall. So we are not at the worst right now.
But when it was at its worst I had to make some really hard decisions. It really went against the grain. But I had to decide to put my welfare and the welfare of my son first. And that meant refusing to visit if she would be screaming at me, or leaving immediately as it started up. With a child under five at that time, I just could not bear him to witness it all. So I basically had to decide that she was an adult, and could chose to take her meds, or not, and there wasn't a lot I could do to help. Suz' idea of self help is important. I was shakey and slightly traumatised all the time, which was doing nothing for my parenting or my relationship or indeed even my work. At the time it felt really selfish, but looking back now I think it was for the best.
So I guess this is a long post to say we must always do what we think is right, but if it gets to much, it is ok to realise we can't solve everything for someone else, hard as that might be. And look after yourself.

Michelle

(website)

Veteran

Hugs to you, Ingunn. This is such a very difficult situation to be in. I too have direct experience of living with someone struggling with mental illness. Not bipolar, but certainly debilitating depression. There is so much wisdom offered in this thread already, and I truly don't feel I have a great deal to add to it. Suz's advice around self-care is critical. It's advice that I still struggle to execute, if truth be told...but every time I lapse in that regard, I'm reminded of how essential it really is.
Is there anyone else in your family who can help you take on this challenge? His situation sounds like it's too much for you alone. If there is anyone you can enlist, even as a confidant if not a fellow care-giver, it may help you feel less overwhelmed.
Remember, though, that at the end of the day you cannot fight his battle for him.
I wish you all the best. Please don't hesitate to get in touch directly if you ever want to talk.
Your reply

Ingunn

(website)

Veteran

Thank you, Lucy and Michelle, for your support. You both know how hard this can be. I'm fortunate enough to not live with the situation on daily basis, which would have been even more difficult than it is now.

My mother is the primary caretaker in this situation, and my role includes helping her stand on her feet. It is painful to see her pain, too.

Uggbootdiva

Meds are super important for stabilising moods. That book mentioned in an earlier post is very helpful as well.

Carla

Veteran

Having what is supposed to be a fun or relaxing time 'highjacked' by something that is out of your control is no fun, and the chronic worry over a loved one's health can erode your own health. Though you are worried about the person who is ill, I sense that you are more worried about your mother, who is most directly affected. You may not be able to directly influence the behaviour of the ill person, or lift the burden of care from your mother's shoulders, but staying healthy yourself and being present for the caregiver is something you can do.

I can't tell you not to worry, but don't let this situation take away your enjoyment of the good things that are going on in your life, be they big or small.