Changing styles for a guy: Yes or No? - YouLookFab Forum

Category

Dressing

Welcome! Read about what to wear and how to wear it on the YLF Blog. Join the YLF Forum to ask specific questions or just chat about fashion and personal style. Or check out the curated list of things we love in YLF Finds.

Outfits Ensembles Trends Advice

Changing styles for a guy: Yes or No?

Queen$arah

Hey guys! So, if you know anything about me, it's my SUPER edgy style. I love black and rock band tees and spiked bracelets and combat boots. Recently though, i've met a guy who i find superrrr attractive. Small problem, he's not into my style. Changing style for a guy: is it okay?

Dressing

20 replies

Latest reply was from shedev

Mary Beth (formerly LBD)

(website)

Veteran

I am going to say both 'yes' and 'no', based on these factors:

Yes IF: This is someone you have gotten to know, and you truly, deeply care about this person, and would like to have as a part of your life for a long time.
And even then, I would say just tweak, because if this person has already gotten to know you, and there is an attraction, part of what he was attracted to is your style, whether he admits it or not.

No IF: you have just met this person. Tweak, perhaps, but don't change. If you change for this person you barely know, I think you will have regrets at how you have treated yourself.

I tweak for DBF - for example, he doesn't care for animal print (dislikes it immensely, actually). But that was after several years of being together. And he knows that if the right leopard or zebra shoes happen to cross my path, they're going on my feet

rachylou

Veteran

I'll agree with La Belle. Also, how to say, a relationship is an endeavour. It has wardrobe requirements. There *is* a uniform, and you want to be proud to wear it because it's what you're all about.

That said, as I am finding, it is really hard to change your style style. I *will* show up in glitter boots at least once (!)

Anonymous

I agree with the "yes" and "no". You are who you are but you will continue to change with or without this guy. One thing...if you are looking for husband material, make sure that he can see you, at least half the time, as someone he can take to meet his family. Will Mom approve? I know of too many marriages/relationships that didn't last mostly because of this. Can he see you as the mother of his children? He needs glimpses of your maturity. Will he fear that you would spend too much money?
You can keep some elements of your style but tone it down. Eventually your style is going to evolve anyway.

Aziraphale

Veteran

Hmm. I don't know. I don't think it's a good idea to try to change who you are (in fact I'm not sure it's possible) but you can make modifications. So if your current style is closely intertwined with who you are, I'd say the best bet -- if you really like this guy -- is to simply tone it down a little. A complete make-over for a man seems like dangerous waters.

I've only had one relationship where this was an issue, and it was a case of me disliking the man's style. But I was attracted enough to him that I overlooked it, and we dated for three years. The relationship ultimately failed, but not because of his terrible taste in clothes -- I left him for other, much more important reasons. I'm tempted to say that if this man is attracted enough to you to overlook your sartorial preferences, then it's meant to be. If not, then it's not. This is my gut feeling, though; I could be wrong. I'm interested to read what others say.

Gaylene

Veteran

First of all, your "style" is more than a pair of combat boots. Our wardrobes are ongoing experiments we employ to find ways of expressing our inner values and sense of who we are as an individual. Viewed in this way, your "style" is an essential component of your attractiveness, or lack of attractiveness, to another person. If this guy finds you attractive, it would make no sense to change the very qualities that make you stand out in his mind.

BUT, (and you knew there would be one ), there is no single way to outwardly manifest your values and sense of self. Combat boots and spiked bracelets do not create a rebel. Rebels come in all shapes and sizes--and wear all kinds of clothing. One way of showing another person you are invested in a relationship is being considerate. Voluntarily changing a piece of clothing doesn't lead to being dominated or diminished as long as it is your choice. If this guy isn't worth a spiked bracelet, then maybe the relationship isn't meant to be.

kkards

Veteran

Queen$arah, you're young, so I'd say now is the time to experiment with styles. . I'm all for tweaking your style to fit a social situation, but not for changing what makes you, well, you. So, i guess the question is, will you be the authentic you if you change the way you dress?

MsMary

Veteran

I need more information. What do you mean by "not into my style?" Is he asking you to change? Making derogatory comments? Just not complimenting your outfits? What exactly is he saying?

Echo

Veteran

If you intentionally change your style for a man, you will regret it. If you become involved with someone and gradually, over time, find that your style evolves in a different direction, that's natural. I think that right off the bat a man needs to accept you for who you are. If he doesn't accept all of you and love you wholeheartedly THEN (at the beginning of a relationship), how will he respond when the real stresses of life come into the relationship?

I was VERY alternative when I met DH, and he was all for it because he could see who I was, regardless of how I dressed. It goes without saying that after 18 years and three kids and a completely different lifestyle, I don't dress the same way. But it took years of experimentation to get to the relatively conservative style I wear now, and it was MY choice, not his.

I've watched my sister's entire personality, style of dress and interests change based on the man she was seeing, and I have always found it disheartening. She is worth more than that. She is lovely for who she is, and should not feel the need to change to attract some man (who may fall in love with a false facade). While changing your style isn't the same as that, it is the first step in you believing that you need to change for someone else to love you, and that's just wrong.

Joyce B

Veteran

I agree with kkards. If you start changing around, will that make you happy? You are very young so a long term relationship may or may not be a consideration but a major change just to dress the way you think he likes can lead to disappointment, unless you like or are interested in exploring a different style for yourself, not for someone else.

Aziraphale

Veteran

I could add that I have shifted styles many times over the course of my life -- and not just in my teens. Some basic things have always stayed the same (such as a marked preference for understated, neutral palettes), but I have experimented with preppy, granola grunge, 40s retro, (mild) goth (which sounds like what you're into right now), rock n' roll, surf chic, etc.

I guess my advice would be, do what feels right.

Queen$arah

I know that he's not into the whole goth rocker look (which i am head over converse into!) because i asked his friend about what kind of girls he's into and his friend said he liked the "preppy" look on girls... :/

Dimity

I find myself agreeing with Gaylene, that there is more than one way to reveal your inner self. I think the important thing is that you're in control and you shouldn't have your style dictate or limit what you can achieve in life. You don't have to categorise yourself into a label, and you don't have to go from goth to preppie either. There are lots of different ways to achieve a look that feels authentic, and it may involve experimentation. Style evolves and changes naturally over time, as others have said. That you're even considering changing your look may indicate that you feel that it's not working for you in all areas of your life and so you might want to explore that. Not for him, but for yourself. Stay authentic to yourself, not to a particular way of dressing.

I tend to find inspiration from Europe engaging, and I've just started reading a blog by Sara Strand that I find captures a vibe that is edgy yet refined and subtle. I feel that it's the sort of look that could go a lot of places, wouldn't limit my choices and yet can be tweaked to more edgy or less edgy depending on the situation.

Deborah

Veteran

Going on not much info, I am going to say 'no'. Be yourself, dress for yourself and if he doesn't like it, then he's not the one for you:) Has he said he is not into your style?

My DH was the complete opposite to me style wise (and he wore one of my style pet hates but we won't go into that lol) when we met, but you know I barely noticed it, we liked each other, got on so well, shared the really important things in life and it was never an issue. We have now been married for 20 years.

Gaylene

Veteran

Queen$arah, right now, how you choose to dress can define your "tribe" to onlookers. Dressing like a Goth Rocker puts you in a category, and, like it or not, results in other seeing you through that lens. If you are happy with your "tribe", then changing just to attract someone from another "tribe" probably isn't in either person's best interests.

But I also don't think it's a bad idea at your age to explore participating in other "tribes", especially if the idea interests you. I remember one of my sons at your age being a total skateboard fanatic--with all the defiance and clothing that went along with that "tribe". On the other hand, he also developed a passion for golf which led him into making friends with members of that "tribe" and a well-paying summer job at a private golf club. It was fascinating watching him morph his outward appearance from bad-a**ed skater boi in the morning to "preppy" junior golfer in the afternoon. Both personas were totally him, although the rest of the world hadn't caught up to the idea that a passion for skateboarding AND golf could co-exist in the same body.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that you don't need to choose to belong to only one "tribe" at fourteen. Some of the above advice is probably directed more towards an older person because people do become more set in their identity as they move into their adult years. But right now, why not have fun exploring different parts of your personality and show the world that it's time to make room for a spiked bracelet/rocker chick who adds a bit of grit and edge to her version of the "preppy" look.

tulle

Veteran

I can't help thinking, Queen Sarah, that your attraction to this "blond, tanned" clean-cut guy may be an indication of some openness to change--or at least some curiosity. You may want to explore the stylistic possibilities of incorporating some preppy elements into your signature look. And who knows? He may be curious, too! If you were to dress in J. Crew from head to toe, that would no doubt feel wrong. But flirting with a bit of color, allowing your feminine side a little more expression, could be interesting for him, and you.

You are in high school, where labels are applied quickly and tend to stick. It can take courage to date someone from a different group, so this may just not work at all. That doesn't mean you shouldn't try--good luck!

trekkiegirl

Veteran

NO
At least not completely. I did this once. I got rid of all my Star Trek collectibles and books, traded my wardrobe (at the time it was more boho-hippie rocker, think Janis Joplin, now it's more punk rocker like Gwen Stefani so I've evolved but not changed) for a Stepford wives corporate aesthetic, and to this day it's one of the few things I regret in my life, and that most vehemently.

Take the advice of others who talk about experimenting with style but starting true to yourself. At the end of the day, you are who you are and you have to be happy with that person.

Queen$arah

You guys are awesome! I've made a few very minor tweaks to my style after a very tiresome trip to the mall. I've replaced the black lipstick with a nude shade, bought a few pullover sweaters (which i plan on wearing with black leggings and combat boots/converse along with my usual very edgy accessories) and a grey knitted beanie hat. i must admit, i love my new look! Still edgy, but the neutral colored lips and sweaters add a touch of a softer side. Thanks so much for all your help!

Dimity

Those sound like great additions to your look! I enjoy exploring different things. It's a lot of fun.

I love grey beanies, too. There's something about them that just looks right at the moment. The pullovers will look great with leggings if they are thigh length or so, or even with your white jeans. I've also seen them look great with a short leather type skirt or cut off denim shorts, but I realise it's winter there at the moment so this might not work for you. Anyway, the important thing is to enjoy it all.

SandyG

Veteran

Well, with that shopping trip, you've answered part of your own query! We are all universes of personalities no matter what age From an older perspective, the teenage years are partly drama and partly comfortable armour set against that emerging growth spurt into adulthood. You are cheerfully articulate about this idea of shifting style for a boy and received a lot of advice. I hope you continue on the forum and we can enjoy your fashion ideas and cheer you on!

shedev

Veteran

Your new stuff sounds awesome. It is good to expand on your style, while not completely changing it.