Burned out on self care - YouLookFab Forum

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Burned out on self care

Peri

Veteran

I'm talking about the real kind. The hard work kind, not the bubblebaths and "everything showers" self-comfort that is trendy, tempting and so much easier.

It started with a weight trainer who cheated me and I was forced to switch to another person when I wouldn't have chosen to. (Well, of course I chose to when I knew she cheated me, but before that I was going along well. Don't want to go into the details here.) It has put a damper on wanting to do the weight training at all, just lowered my enthusiasm and affected my attitude. I still make myself go because I know it is true self care, but currently, I don't want to.

I also need to check out some PT I think, but the thought of adding something else to my schedule is daunting. I feel like my own toddler, all this care I need. I really just want to ignore this toddler self.

Yes, it's a total privilege to even be able to do these things. I recognize that and do actually make myself do them. It's not a behavioral change I need, it's an attitude change. How do I get over this anger at being cheated by someone I trusted and get back to feeling more positive about all the hard self care stuff?

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14 replies

Latest reply was from Staysfit

LJP

Veteran

I read this with interest, but I don't think I understand what you mean by cheating ,in this case. Financially? In terms of her credentials? I DO understand that feeling of disillusionment though or just fatigue with all there is to do for ourselves. I can get very , very overwhelmed with the pressure I feel (all self inflicted, but still) to eat perfectly , work out enough, sleep enough, etc etc . . I would suggest just taking a breather until you feel settled with your emotions and see the path forward with more clarity . I do apologize though if I'm misunderstanding....

Sal

Veteran

Sounds rotten, but I also am a bit confused.

It's hard all right - there is a lot of pressure at this stage of life to eat "clean" (I don't like or use that phrase as it's judgemental), eat lots of protein, avoid alcohol, push weights, walk or so many steps etc....

I broadly agree with those things but throw into the mix work, housework, family commitments, volunteering and often health issues somewhere in the picture, and it becomes too much.

I feel better about myself when I am active almost every day in one way or another. Same when I eat well. Same when I sleep well. But I refuse to give up volunteering or socialising with friends over glasses of wine and nibbles. These things fill my cup in a different way.

I haven't done this, but I have considered doing a scan to actually see how my bones and muscles are to see actually how I am doing. Trainers, influencers etc can have an agenda and a POV that is without nuance.

I think you are doing well to be training and working and I know dancing. Do what you can and give yourself grace to not do it all.

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

Peri, I'm nodding along with LJP and Sal's sound advice.

You can only do what you can manage without feeling too stressed about it. Don't feel pressured to do it all because it IS overwhelming, tiring, and makes us not enjoy life! And the point is to enjoy what we can.

The fact that you're making yourself go to weight training is highly commendable! That's ample and is making a great difference on top of everything else. I'm patting you on the back

Peri

Veteran

I didn't want to be too detailed because bottom line, I may be seeking some legal counsel and you probably aren't supposed to put details online if that's the case!

But yes, financially. I wasn't paying close attention but found out she charged me early a few times and overcharged this past time and she is absolutely stonewalling me on any solution, claiming refunds aren't her "policy". The gall!

There is more, it's more complicated. I'm with someone else now but my enthusiasm has taken a hit for sure. Still making myself do it but it's hard.

Sorry to confuse you all...I'm not even sure what I'm asking here! Can't ask for legal advice. Probably just asking...how do you keep yourself going when you feel like you are in a slump?

LJP

Veteran

Well , again , I'm sorry this happened to you. I am happy to share my experience with you with how trainers charge, how refunds work (or not) etc if you want to PM me. I have a fair bit of knowledge and experience in that area in my current job and it might help with perspective or knowing how other facilities handle these things. You're in Canada too, correct?

judy

Veteran

Attitude accounts for so much in life, doesn't it and particularly as we age it seems to play a huge part in managing all the myriad things there are to keep up with.

Good for you to keep going with another trainer! When I did a lot of running and weight training in my 20's, I found doing it whether I "wanted" to or not was one of the most important muscles I built!

AND...just adding this: That REST days are important too!

Helena

Veteran

You've got great advice here peri so I'm just going to say you are ALLOWED to be angry after being cheated. Yes you don't want to stay there forever and yes it probably does but a dent in your momentum. But in general as women we don't allow ourselves to really own our anger sometimes and then it just turns into slow burn resentment that's way worse. So ... Give yourself a little space to be rightfully angry! Just a thought xx

Jules

Veteran

That’d be super frustrating - putting yourself out there to do something you’re not wild about and paying what’s usually a pretty penny for it, then feeling taken advantage of. Agree with Helen that it’s ok to feel your feelings!

Indigoprint

Veteran

Do you enjoy walking? If you do and have a natural area nearby the combination of walking in nature has evidence based self care results. It is also good for stress relief.
Hope things turn out for you.

unfrumped

Veteran

Sending good thoughts!

Agree with its being ok to wallow a bit so as to process that. Sometimes you really need to do that before moving on to the “ fix it” mode.

Even with a retainer, you may have a lot of negative associations now with your routine , if you’re in same gym, same exercises. I’m not saying to re- locate, which may be impractical and not as good, but just to be aware if there are ongoing bad vibes. Also agree with considering sone kind of alternate exercise for a refresh. Again, it may be better just to power through, but many exercise experts talk about changing up routines from time to time. Or what they do differently if traveling, or on vacation, or “ off season”—things that both hit different muscle & movement uses, or add playfulness, or a social aspect. Lisa may have some more insights on that.

Anyway, I can relate to some aspects of the never- endingness. I find myself surprised that right before an outing or event oh, I thought I just cut my fingernails, or, more lotion EVERY day?!, or, I JUST went to the grocery store, and we still need more fresh vegetables ! Or, I try to stick with my own specific strength- training days so that I don’t find excuses to skip, but i also like to do some fairly vigorous garden projects, and if the schedule and the weather/ time have me doing them in the same day, I’m whipped! But if I try to alternate or rearrange to fit the other needs, I may get out of sync also.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

What Helena said. It's perfectly legit to feel angry and to feel disappointed and it's only natural you are a little less enthusiastic about an activity that has brought you hassle and financial loss, especially considering you were not that eager to start it in the first place. You are doing great to have started this at all! You deserve a pat on the back for that.

When self-care starts to feel like a burden, it's time to cut back. I had to do that once with yoga, believe it or not. I love yoga and knew it was good for me, but on top of my other responsibilities at the time it had begun to feel like a horrid chore, so I quit. It helped! I needed a bit of space in my life before I could return.

I like what others have said. Take a short break and do something you genuinely enjoy for a month or so, if need be. Go back to the weights with someone new and trustworthy when you are ready....or, if you do feel okay about this new person, ask if you can take a short break for a re-set and then continue with them. Maybe talk to Lisa back channel for her thoughts, since she is knowledgeable.

FWIW, I train in a small group and my trainer is lovely -- he charges a set fee for x number of classes and if we miss, we do not pay, which I realize is quite generous of him, but usually we tell him in advance if we won't be there (for holidays and so on.) Previously I had worked with a personal trainer who charged per session (not by the hour or anything like that) and before that I was with the fitness company I worked for but I worked out on my own in the gym, no trainer beyond my colleagues. But I'm betting Lisa has the scoop on what's typical.

Wishing you luck, Peri, in your legal case.

Peri

Veteran

Thanks everyone! It is still a sticky situation but I'm trying to put it behind me. I did message Lisa and she had some helpful information even though not directly applicable since we are in different countries.

For the past two training sessions I've been able to put it out of my mind and approach them as neutral...new trainer but no negatives attached in my mind. I think that has to be my way forward. I didn't sign up for training because I wanted to do it initially or because I had any kind of goal about looking a certain way. I signed up because I'm 65 and have seen a deluge of articles about weight training being the best way to age well. Pretty much all of them say seniors need to weight train or we'll fall down and die...more kindly than that of course but that is the gist. So I signed up reluctantly and stayed reluctant until I started feeling changes in my posture and seeing unexpected changes I liked in my arms after about 4 months. I still had to push myself to go but I was in it for the benefits and started believing I would feel them. The harm to my attitude was one of the reasons the original trainer's dishonesty was a real set back.

But, I still believe it is something I have to do and if I'm able to let it go and move on I'm going to be better off. "Live and learn" as Lisa advised. As so many of you advised, I needed to feel angry and aggravated for awhile (still there actually) before I could work on moving past it. Maybe I'm at that transition point between the two now.

LJP

Veteran

I think you have the right attitude - and I encourage you to keep it up . Movement and exercise is just a fact of life for us now - not for vanity’s sake but for the reality of aging and staying mobile . You got this .

Staysfit

Veteran

Oh my! So frustrating! I’m sorry to hear you’ve had this experience and hope you find a resolution. I’m glad to hear you’re making an effort to keep up the weight training. I pay my weight trainer in cash at each session, and I pay my Pilates instructor using Venmo after each session. I don’t pay for anything in advance. If someone insists on that I look elsewhere or I make a deal with them.