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Building confidence to buy better?

jayne

Veteran

For most of my life now I have been very..... hmmmm .....thrifty about buying clothes. It comes from where I grew up, as the midwest is practical minded about clothing, plus a middle class one income family.

Now as I have made my way as an adult, I have better income than my family did, but I still keep shopping at the stores where the prices are not high, the labels are certainly NOT designer, and mass manufacturing is the rule. I have a little suspicion that since I was never confident enough in having A style, I wanted to trying them all and buy on impulse. And keeping price low helps one do that.

But I am over 40 now (waaay past 40 now) and the best thing is that after joining YLF I am building a strong sense that I have a style and a rubic. So although I am on a mini SYC while spring gets past us, I did have one thing on my list and did a little shopping today. And I deliberately decided to go to the better shops in Oslo. Nothing over the top, but these shops carry labels, from Acne to Stella McCartney, Ralph Lauren and Burberry.

The point of my story is that I felt so uncomfortable, so under-dressed, that I could not really enjoy the experience. All the other women seemed to blend with the merchandise, I mean, in that they fit in and knew how to wear these fabulous clothes. But I am so uncertain that if I buy something, will it be right and will I find a way to wear it, that I cannot seem to take the step to try on and purchase. (note, I am also hindered by Norwegian return policy, which is basically 'no returns' unless you can prove something is wrong with the item).

So, how does one build up the courage, and comfort with their own style to make the leap to paying more? I know many of you are there, as I see good quality clothes displayed here, and maybe you never felt this hesitation, but maybe one of you has also experienced this?

thanks for any advice

Jayne

General

27 replies

Latest reply was from Scarlet

Ana

(website)

Veteran

Wow. The no return policy would be really tough for me. I would basically never purchase anything off the internet. That's so hard, Jayne!

Would it be possible to take photos in the dressing room and then post them here for evaluation before purchasing? I did that just a few weeks ago with a chambray tunic and it was extremely helpful. Also, do you have any friends who shop at these kinds of places that you would trust to take with you to give you an honest opinion?

Mo

(website)

Veteran

I totally understand! I was in the Tampa Nordstrom when it was technically fall, but being in FL it was still 80 out so I wasn't about to don jeans or boots! The locals, however, made any excuse to pull out their fine fall collections. In my $3 colorful Kmart cotton skirt and $5 cobalt top I felt very cheap next to the tall leather boots and designer jeans. I stuck out like a sore thumb.
I am slowly getting used to buying better quality. But it's not an overnight thing. Not for me, anyway. I have yet to get a 'designer' item but did happily grab those Frye boots earlier this year with no regrets. I think a mix of high and low makes for a more interesting wardrobe, anyway

Heather

Veteran

Jayne, I know that appearances mean quite a bit and can shake even the strongest of confidences sometimes; however, always remember that billionaires could be the person in overalls and a Patagonia hat and paupers could be parading in Gucci and Pucci!

I think if you would like to try some of these brands out for yourself, go for it. Carefully shop your yourself and your aesthetic and not for a label.

Wishing you lots of luck and much confidence!

jayne

Veteran

Thanks Mo!

That is an idea Ana, maybe I need to take my confidence with me. I am willing to walk away rather than buy the wrong thing, that is obvious, so having a photo session and vote my get me to actually try things on. As a first step. he he, and I love shopping. I never thought this would be so hard. 25 adult years of conditioning to be removed I guess!

Transcona Shannon

Veteran

Even Parisian Chic says mixing high and low is desirable and as Mo stated, makes a wardrobe interesting.

I grew up with the same kind of life as you I think Jayne - not alot of money to go around for "frivalous" expenditures and fashion just wasn't expressed or desired in either my immediate family nor in the small community I grew up in. As a result, I thrift probably about 60-65% of my wardrobe. And I will always continue to do so as I find more interesting and individual pieces that way.

I think the difference for me now is that even in thrifting, I look for much better quality and fit then I used to. And I have started to add a few higher end (at least for me) pieces to my wardrobe to give the overall impression of a bit more "luxury" (for lack of a better word).

It's a process - there's no harm in just going into these stores and looking at the items, feeling the fabric, even becoming more familiar with the layout and the approach of the sales assistants. It doesn't mean you have to try anything on or buy anything - not at the beginning. Become more comfortable first, it that makes you feel better.

jayne

Veteran

Oh good thoughts Heather, and Shannon. I didn't want to go full out designer anyway. Just add quality to the mix. I haven't tried thrifting. So far, those shops make me also uncomfortable although they are getting more popular here. Funny hangups I have!

OK, I need to get off to bed! I am sorry I won't be able to respond back to anyone more tonight. Have a lovely evening.

biscuitsmom

Veteran

I know how you feel...so often I feel self-conscious just going to the better stores, but it does help to learn what is out there...just dont fall in love with a unaffordable piece, as I have! Remember you have as much right as anyone to be there, and try and enjoy yourself...

jayne

Veteran

Yes, true, BC. Funny that it isn't the SA that make me uncomfortable, but all the other shoppers who already have great style....

Fruitful

Veteran

I know exactly how you feel about feeling not good enough for those shops! And returns are not the culture in Australia either, so even if they are allowed (usually for only 1 week) I don't tend to do it - don't want to get questions or a dirty look!

My tips:
1) I have some nice clothes from op shops (thrifting) that nobody would know about. That helps. I can look smart enough to go shopping but it cost me little.

2) Shop first at big department stores where they are too busy to watch you fondling the merchandise.

3) Have immaculate hair and makeup. Carry a bag that is in good condition even if cheap. Sounds obvious but make sure you don't have pilling, animal hair on your clothes etc! Wear shoes in great condition. All these things help you look put together and to be taken seriously. And 15 years ago I wasn't good at any of them(!)

4) Chat up the sales assistants. The other day I was looking at high end bags and knew more than the SA because I read about them online! She was interested in hearing about my bag research ^_^. I was upfront with her that I wouldn't be buying today but was trying to learn about what I liked. She said that's the sensible thing to do and that a lot of people do that (I'm surprised how many are sympathetic to this upfront approach of saying I'm here to look, not buy). She asked me what I'd done that day and I said I went to the Grace Kelly exhibition; she asked if I was a fashion student! I was shocked she even thought that of me, purely because I had something to say. Another time, I told an SA about my inspiration folder and she told me about designers I should look up. Talk about YLF! Just treat them like a human being and the good ones will respect and like you for that.

5) Remember that SAs are on an SAs wage. They get it when I say I probably need to go home and think about a garment before buying. Some even take a photo for me.

6) After practising all of the above, your courage to enter snooty boutiques will grow, I promise ^_^

ETA I just saw it's not the SAs who make you uncomfortable. Nevertheless, being good with them will increase your sense of belonging in the store.

rae

(website)

Veteran

I've had the same problem as you, and I'm trying to buy better stuff as well. $1 finds are wonderful when they work out, but I can only donate so many thrift failures before they are no longer a good deal.

My first instinct was to suggest shopping online, since that is how I avoid the discomfort of "better" stores. But with that return policy in the way, I think Ana's idea is the best option. You could also see if stores like Asos ship where you are.

I would also like to say congrats on deciding to invest in yourself!

Meredith1953

Veteran

Hi Jayne,
Hmmm. I still go into sticker shock over super high priced merchandise. I really don't ever try to buy "designer" labels. This is ok in my case because I don't see myself as wearing designer fashion. Not really my style. I do want to look nice at whatever price point I can actually afford and I definitely try to dress decently when I go shopping. I believe that high/low dressing as Shannon mentioned is a great way to start. Maybe you could pick one workhorse item like a blazer or a dress and go compare high end and lower end to ascertain the best fit and flatter for you and then compare the price points. Just my two cents worth.

Elly

Veteran

I recently posted something expressing that I am familiar with the phenomenon--- for me it goes even further because I've had issues getting help from sales' people and have been treated downright badly in some of our nicer shops here locally (and most of ours aren't the level that you are talking about that are selling designer duds).

It can be very intimidating! Even knowing that you can afford the piece or pieces you are looking for being surrounded by high end merchandise and women wearing designer head to toe and then worrying about making a pricey mistake! It is hard.

IMO shoes, coats, bags, denim and jackets are a great place to start adding one "quality, high-end" piece into an outfit for a big impact. The first piece or two will probably be the hardest, but then it will be easier to wear your less expensive but nice duds into the shops when you have a great designer or quality brand bag on your arm or jacket on with them.

velvetychocolate

Veteran

I have felt like this at times too. Both because it was a much more expensive store than I'd been shopping for in a long while, and also because I felt funny going into the regular sized clothing stores after losing a lot of weight. I know it seems silly, but I actually felt like I wasn't "supposed" to be in the regular sized stores at first.

Anyway, the only thing I can suggest to help you get past this initial discomfort is to consider what I think of as "bridge" pieces. Something that is better than you've been wearing, but that looks even better than the price would indicate. An example of this for me is the GAP Long and Lean jeans - they were a step up from whatever I was buying at Kohl's (discount store here in the US), and they looked a *lot* better than their $60-ish price tag. It helped that I had them hemmed to wear with a low heeled pumps and or low-heeled boots/booties. Took my upgraded, but not *that* upgraded jeans to the tailor and had them hemmed exactly for PPL with nicer and better shoes.

Do they have outlet stores where you are? I started shopping at Nordstrom Rack in person, before shopping at the regular store. Likewise, I happened upon the Ann Taylor Factory store awhile back while out shopping for Christmas gifts, and went in there long before I went into the regular store.

Also - I just wanted to mention that even though I didn't feel like I had the 'right' clothes at first, the service at Nordstrom is amazing, and I did not feel uncomfortable at all once someone approached me to help me find what I was looking for. If you can find a more upscale store that is known for excellent customer service, then you might find that your initial discomfort will melt away. That's what happened to me when I first went into Nordstrom - the woman sales associate was excellent, and extremely helpful.

What if you went to some of these better stores when it wasn't as busy (if your schedule allows), and when one of the sales associates offers to help - you confided that you're wanting to update or improve your wardrobe? You might be surprised - people really do love to help, and be asked for their advice.

That's kind of what I did when I wandered into Nordstrom, determined to have a look at some Angie-recommended trench coats in person. The sales associate approached me and offered to help, and somehow I ended up saying something like, "I've lost a bunch of weight and I have nothing to wear!" She was very good at her job, and I didn't feel awkward anymore.

Good luck and let us know how things go next time. I do know what you mean - and have felt that same awkwardness (still do sometimes).

Hang in there!

Nadya

Veteran

I've helped a friend in a similar situation. My advice is buy one piece that is out of your comfort zone price wise but that is very useful: like a great pair of shoes or a jacket that goes with a lot of things. My theory is that it's a good transition as you'll really get the payback of the higher quality, and you'll see how much you enjoy wearing something "nicer" frequently.

I don't have any advice from the intimidation factor, but there's lots of good advice here I may need myself. I get anxious in shops sometimes, myself.

jayne

Veteran

Oh my, such great advice. Several have mentioned picking one thing to buy so I think that I am going to focus on a black/dark suit jacket as that is standard and I don't have one after the great purge of march.

I loved so much the responses, they are so well thought out.

From Fruitful, yes, excellent idea. I need to dress for shopping. And Shannon also mentioned thrifting as a way to get a piece that might be higher end.

And for those who live in other cultures...Norway is one of those places where the average income is pretty high, so there are Marc Jacobs bags on almost every arm, no matter if you are barely out of high school. And I have seen boys wearing so many labels it looked like a joke. So for a girl from Ohio, where designer is snob attire, this attempt to step up is hard. But so was finding my style. And Angie says we should buy the best we can afford

RAE, online shopping is also a no no. well because returns will cost me the price of the postage AND because the cost of import duties actually nearly doubled the cost of the item. I tried out Asos for a slip, as a test of this, and paid 230 NOK for the slip, 60 nok for the postage and 200 for the import duty. Ouch. The only thing free from import duty is books so amazon is my friend.

VC, outlet shopping is a possibility. One opened up last year. That is an excellent idea because outlets never feel as intimidating and the ladies who shop there are a little less dressy. I now have a plan!

fashionista

Veteran

We have the same culture here, mass produced clothes and low priced clothes are most popular here. I also tend to buy clothes that are far behind designer labels and priced. So as I do maybe one or two designer items like jeans, coats, and all others thrifted, low priced items, mass produced tops, shoes that you could change with every trends and seasons and don't feel bad at all. This could really help you a lot.

Sylvie

Veteran

You've already gotten great advice. I too was going to suggest taking photos in dressing rooms, posting them here for feedback and then going back to purchase items.

I used to be too intimidated to go into stores as well. In fact there are a few very high end stores I'm still afraid to go into. My issue has always been the sales associates - I felt it was obvious I was clueless/unstylish/not rich/not the type of person who shops at store x. Being well put together has helped me feel more confident as well as more practice. Each successful shopping trip makes me feel more confident about the next.

Also, I try to put on my best manners when I go shopping - polite and gracious, even if the sales associates are being snooty. If I can give the impression of being classy/well "brought up", then it doesn't matter what I wear, because that automatically gives me more dignity. "I'm just a nice, normal, sane person doing her shopping, along with everyone else, and I have just as much of a right to shop here"

harmonica

Veteran

I hear you on this, Jayne! And I'll drop by later to read and respond properly. Some great personal contacts (and my own desperation for being totally out of style/fashion) helped me cross the too-lux-for-me line.

Great thread!

harmonica

Veteran

There are so many wise comments here and I support them all. Also what you say about Norway, online shopping and designer items on ordinary people. *giggle at brands-all-over-boys*

My step to more luxe items was initiated by some personal contacts. They made me feel comfortable and I was also very up front and told them that I had to build a new wardrobe after pregnancies etc and that I had no clue what I needed. They were very happy to help and was thinking wardrobe building as much fun. SA's also like to build regular circle of customers

I also think that some of the SA's actually may be a bit unconfident with themselves (especially the young ones) and therefore they are perceived as being snobbish, before you start talking to them.

As others mentioned, the most interesting and individual wardrobe is based on high end + low end, and even second hand and/or hand-me-downs. I actually strive for mixing these things in an outfit.

A black blazer is a great investment! Bring your YLF confidence with you to the shops.

Keep us updated

rute

Veteran

congrats! The important is that you gave the first step!
I always dress well (but with comfy shoes) when shopping! I've learnt that when I feel bad, anything I try looks so much better that what I have and I tend to make shopping mistakes!

christieanne

Veteran

Interesting question Jayne and I think you had a lot of great solutions already.

I understand your shopping observation and it makes sense. Last summer, my dad's cousin and his wife came to stay here in California (they live in Oslo suburb) and his wife said she wanted to see things but hated shopping. I told her that most of our family from Norway is always wanting to shop so she was a refreshing change (I love museums!) and she told me she grew up in the Eastern part of Norway and from small town. She hates shopping because all the stores in Oslo are so snobby. She only shops in a few places and mostly in Sweden or close to her original hometown.

I like your plan of a black blazer and checking out some outlet stores. Is there a version of Yelp or online shopping reviews in Norway? It might be a place to find out what other customers think of the shops before you go in.

You are figuring out your style sense really well and have been posting some fantastic outfits so keep on that path and don't doubt your own fab style

Laurinda

Veteran

It is really interesting to hear about snobiness in Oslo. I had hoped that Scandinavians would be less concerned about class distinctions, but maybe it is just human nature.

People have made good points about engaging with SAs. I had a pleasant experience at Nordstrom browsing the designer/high end clothing (a boutique set apart from the rest of the sales floor with glass walls and marble floor inset). No matter how I dressed up I could not look like someone who is about to drop $2,000 on a sweater! But as an aspiring seamster I was mostly interested in an up-close look at the clothing construction, and what tailoring details were in style that season. The SA looked a bit bored -- I don't think he gets much traffic -- and was very interested and helpful in discussing the finer points of the clothing on display.

And yes, the fabric I scored at a discount warehouse for $6/yard is exactly what had been used in those $2,000 sweaters.

jayne

Veteran

Thanks Harmonica, Laurinda, Rute, CA...these are all helpful for my confidence.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

What a great discussion topic, Jayne, and as you see, you are NOT alone. Most of us have felt awkward in these higher end stores from time to time. I agree 100% with Fruitful. Put on your very favourite outfit and groom yourself to look your best and you will radiate confidence. And be up front about needing to build your wardrobe and not being able to afford to buy all at once. For every snobby sales associate you will find one who tells you about an upcoming sale and offers to put something aside for you.

Scarlet

Veteran

You know there is a lot of space between bargain clothing and internationally recognized designers. I think I would focus on a middle ground. I think that going even somewhat upscale can buy better cuts, materials, colors, and patterns, but I would tread cautiously and build up confidence that I have been having a good batting average before really considering majorly expensive pieces. I think that a good sale assistant can really help you tread these waters. Find a store you like and a sales assistant whose style you like and maybe she can help you evaluate different pieces. By the way, it is really interesting to read that people in Oslo wear a lot of designer handbags, etc. I was there once as a child and was more focused on trolls and things like that at the time

jayne

Veteran

Oh yes, the tourist shops will get you a troll and a HEAVY knit patterned sweater...but you only see Norwegians with a sweater MAYBE in their cabins, which have to be heated by fireplace. Norwegians are pretty sporty so the fleece is the new sportswear...sad to say.

This is not streetwear. Mine sits in a drawer year round, unused as I am never that cold!

Scarlet

Veteran

Ha! I got a sweater too. I almost never wore it, but I loved it just the same.