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Breaking up with hair stylist

Thirkellgirl

Veteran

I've had the same guy cutting my hair for almost 30 years. There were a couple years in there when I tried someone else but that never worked well for me at all. This guy is Vidal Sassoon-trained, a perfectionist, he is awesome at wash-and-wear hair, but I just haven't liked how I look for at least a year (maybe more, if I'm honest). I feel like I've been growing out one similar haircut after another, and I need a fresh look, something not so round and boring. The photo in my current profile is one of the best hair days for me in a long time. I had a heart-to-heart with him and he said that the easiest way to get a different look would be to try color, but I really don't want to go there, for several reasons (cost, upkeep, the crap-shoot of getting a good color, the whole authenticity issue...), and that to get a different look from what I have now we'd have to take a lot of hair off (which puts me back in the position of potentially having to grow out another pixie). So I guess I'm stylist-shopping for the first time in a long time. Commiseration welcome and please be kind. The last time I said anything about my hair here I got a couple "you need to find a new stylist asap" comments that really made me feel terrible. It's hard getting older, and fatter, and having those English jowls kick in, and greyer... Photo #1 below is a couple days ago.
The last photo is today.

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46 replies

Latest reply was from chadya

Anonymous

I am nodding in understanding with a lot of what you are saying here. It is difficult to break up with a stylist (but not as difficult or hurtful as you might think) and it's hard indeed to figure out what to do with the same old hair. We all go through that at one point or another.

I don't know you well from the forum, and have never commented on a hair thread like this before, but being a bit of a frustrated stylist myself (lol) a couple of things come to mind here:

1. You are classically pretty and have a good face shape for short hair.
2. you have a lot of hair to work with right now - based on the length in the first picture
3. your natural colour is just fine - and if you don't want to colour it - don't!

There are a lot of great-looking styles on pinterest boards for short hair right now - I collect lots of them, so does Deborah - that don't involve cutting a super-short pixie. You have a fair bit of volume and hair you can get rid of without losing a lot of length and it would give you a new look you might really like - getting rid of the round look you mention. (which , by the way, is so common with short hair - my stylist tells me)

Finding a new stylist is tricky , and it's also a lot of pressure to put on both yourself and the new stylist to come up with something totally new. Let your new person do at least two cuts before you decide if you are satisfied - and bring in your laptop with lots of pictures you've collected and have fun!

JAileen

Veteran

I think I'm the same vintage as you. I have grey hair and have gained weight. So we're in the same boat? Anyway, from what you've described, him saying that the only way to get a new look is with color, I think you should find a new stylist. My stylist didn't want me to go grey. Come on, they make money dyeing hair. I do think you could have a more edgy look without color. If your stylist can't see that, then you should part ways. As to how to find someone, I think a good way is to ask people who have a look you like.

Linda

I feel your pain, Thirkellgirl! Like you, I've had the same stylist for about 30 years with a 3 or for year hiatus somewhere in the middle. I think that your hair looks great from the photos, but I definitely know what you mean about wanting something different. I think that you and I have what looks like similar hair, although I do get mine highlighted. I love the convenience of having short hair, and don't' want to mess with it too much, but I also want it to look "special" without a whole lot of work. I recently had an infection that required massive doses of antibiotics which really made my hair very thin. My hairdresser cut it really short to manage the hair loss. Now, my hair has returned and I don't want such a short cut. I'm trying to grow it out, but it just looks like I need a cut. He's told me to have some patience, but I guess I'm basically a very impatient person! I realize that I haven't given you any good advice! I don't think that a new hairdresser would be the answer because it looks like he's giving you a really great cut. Maybe you should try some highlights to add interest?

texstyle

(website)

Veteran

Before getting it cut, I wonder if you might try some really different ways of styling just to get a better feel for what you can do with your hair and what direction you might want to go. I've done this from time to time (when I'm feeling blah about my hair). What I mean is using product if necessary to help you hold the hair into various shapes, different ways of parting it (or not parting it), etc. I find that it's hard for me to look at myself with a different style and be objective unless I really push myself so every once in a while I purposely part it different, wear it curlier, straighten it more or even use clips if needed to see what less fullness in a particular area might look like. If you wear makeup, be sure to put on your makeup first as it always changes our view of ourselves. If you don't wear makeup, would you consider adding a little to also change up your look? I don't wear a lot of makeup but I've found that darkening eyebrows just a little as we gray and adding just a touch of lip gloss and tinted moisturizer can go a long way.

Sara L.

Veteran

Have you brought in pictures of styles you're interested in to your current stylist? Maybe he needs some guidance on where you want to go with your style.

Thirkellgirl

Veteran

Oh, thank you, thank you. I really felt like I was putting myself out there by sharing this, but you have all been so helpful and encouraging. Lisap, I don't think anybody other than my husband has said I was "pretty" in...I don't know how long. A church friend yesterday even badgered me again to go to her hair stylist (who does NOT do a good job although I didn't tell her that), saying "you could be a very attractive woman if..." My daughter has encouraged me to get a little length on it so I can see what options I have, and I think I'm just about there. Texstyle I think I will try a makeup-makeover (I look tired, don't I? and I know makeup can mostly fix that) and a blow-dry before seeking a cut. Even a few weeks of growing out the layers on the side could give me some more options. Linda, my preference would be for a cut like yours but the peanut gallery isn't a fan of that option and I'm holding off. Sara L., I have brought SO many photos, and apparently I have hair dysmorphia or something, lol. He always says "it isn't long enough on the top to do that" or "the sides are shorter/longer than you like."

Anonymous

I like your determined spirit! Both in your search for a style you like better and in your post to the forum in spite of the fact that it sounds as though you may have been hurt by some of the answers.

I am always up for being reminded of how important it is to be kind.

I don't think you have to see it as dramatic, even after thirty years..maybe your stylist is just not hearing you right now and a break would be good for both of you?
I support your desire to avoid coloring your hair, especially because in it's transition phase it's unusually pretty. Overall, I think the style is pretty good, I like the length, but if I could change one thing I might adjust the section of bangs that cross your forehead? Not because it's unflattering, but because it looks difficult to maintain and you have a kind of fresh, natural look in your photos that doesn't sync with high upkeep hair.

Ginger

Veteran

Encouragement! To be honest, I don't really have a stylist. BUT - the remark that the only option is to color? Totally don't buy it. It's illogical on the face of it, and from it you can infer a whole lot of don't-care attitude from him. Merely for that I agree that changing is right.

Sally of Already Pretty had a video interview with her stylist just this morning; you may find it interesting/helpful. I haven't even watched it yet, but the text Q&A in the post is very interesting and more broadly applicable than the title implies.
http://www.alreadypretty.com/2.....-this.html

Cerinda

Veteran

Oh, good luck; what an uncomfortable place to be in. Echoing what Texstyle said, is it possible for you to audition some stylists by going in for just a shampoo and blow dry? And what about keeping your eyes open for great looking haircuts on the street? Do you think you could steel yourself to asking a total stranger for her/his hairdresser's name? I have done that twice (gulp!) with good results.

Thirkellgirl

Veteran

Isabel, my daughter just brought those bangs to my attention when she was home, and now I can't stop seeing them! She said they are "swoopy" and she's absolutely right. I think it's because my hair is finer in the front than it used to be and it doesn't lay *down, it swoops across. I'm totally up for growing them out - do you think all the way? To my cheekbones?

SW Ann

Veteran

I don'[t participate much these days but had to weigh in....I've had many people ask where I get my hair--none of whom I knew at the time, they just liked my haircut and style. That's what you should consider doing--if you see someone who's hairstyle you like, ask where they get it cut. ESP people you don't know. And don't just stick with women your same age--ask young girls, if you see a style you like where they get their haircuts. You "might" find someone who you like better. You can also ask for different stylist "consulations" to get the feeling if you and they might be able to work together to find a style that works for you. Everyone else's comments I also agree with.....be encouraged! There are many many different styles and lots of people who cut hair well. Collect as many photos of styles you like before meeting with anyone. And Good Luck!

Sara L.

Veteran

That's unfortunate that he doesn't seem to want to try anything new. Your stylist should be able to work towards what you want even if your hair isn't the perfect length yet. I brought in some pictures to my stylist recently and although my hair wasn't quite long enough in some places for the cut I wanted, she had ideas on how to transition my current style to the one I wanted. Angie was also working towards a certain look and it took awhile to get there.

KikiG

Veteran

Your stylist may just have a fixed idea of you, or underestimates your tolerance for change, or it may be that he can't be bothered to look at you with fresh eyes. My hair stylist is quite a bit younger than I am, and we have conversations about how she isn't going to let me get into "habit hair" or walk around looking dated. I do think you need to explicitly make it clear to any stylist that you are open to change and suggestions.

AviaMariah

Veteran

I wonder too if you should play around with some new product and/or go to a new stylist and have them teach you some new ways to use product. I know that can make a world of difference in how my hair looks and can freshen up my style without changing the cut. Plus it will give you an easy way to "test drive" a new stylist before you have them do a major cut.

Nebraskim

Veteran

I guess it's helpful for you to decide what it is you do not LIKE about your current style (it could be that you're bored, esp if you've had it forever). Does it feel "old" or frumpy? Is the texture of your hair changing so it's harder to style?

I remember a "Cathy" cartoon from long long ago where she said something like "I'm bored, I'm tired, I'm depressed so I think I shall try to rectify this by the complete and utter destruction of my hair" and in the next panel it was all choppy, frizzy etc. and she's yelling "AACK!"

A new hairstyle can really freshen your look and revive your moxie, but think about the motivation behind the desire to change your hair. Is there something else you really want to change but hair is the proxy?

While I understand your hesitancy about coloring it, I also think that might be a step for you. I know that many people are so adamant about the concept of "authenticity" meaning "actual hair color" vs. your "authentic self" really wants/needs/ to have have purple/orange/blonde hair. My actual nail color, for example is bare. But my authentic self loves and sports bright blue nails. Always. At one time, I colored my hair cobalt; for a long time it was a chocolate merlot color. Right now it's plain blah darkish brown shot through with gray. I was tired of the upkeep for coloring. But when I decided to stop coloring it, I instead went with a very short cut similar to Angie's former spikey look. My authentic self needs to be a little bit on the outer fringe of "appropriate for age 60." So before anyone takes scissors to your hair, think about the motivations behind your desire for change.

That being said, it's just hair. It grows back (and I have been through that so many times in my life, I know it's a pain).

old chic

Like you, I have been seeing a Vidal Sassoon-trained stylist for years. But I am considerably older and less pretty than you are, although I do color my hair. I love my stylist because he is always willing to suggest or at least go for something a little wild that I suggest because he knows I just don't care if people think my hairstyle is "too young" or otherwise inappropriate for me. And he always cuts it expertly and with perfect attention to detail, which gives me the confidence to pull it off. I'll bet your stylist also has the skills to execute a more adventurous cut for you if you request it. How about trying something a touch asymmetric? (You can't see it well in the picture below, but mine's significantly shorter on the left side and back.)
Since you don't color, and hence don't have to worry about roots, you could also blend the bangs into one side with a sharp part.

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Anonymous

I have broken up with many stylists until I found the one! I was fed up taking other people's recommendations so one day I just decided to visit some salons in my area. The owners/managers were always quite nice, because of course, it means more business for them. The one thing I paid very close attention to were the age of the clients. The more varied the ages (young and old) were very important to me because it meant that the salon kept up with all the current trends. Nothing makes you look older than sporting a hairstyle from over 10 years ago in my opinion.

Once you find the salon, interview the stylists you are interested in. Ask them what they would do and why. They will not tell you to do anything you do not want to do, but will in fact make the best recommendations based on your hair type, face shape, and lifestyle. I never ever bring in photos, because you will never look like the person in the photo.

There are times when I just tell my stylist to do "whatever" as long as I keep my sideswept bangs, just to change things up and to stay current. I will honestly tell you that I constantly get complimented on my hair now, even from complete strangers.

Hope you find the stylist of your dreams soon!

Anonymous

Also, as to your gray, if you want to keep it, then keep it! You may want to consider a technique they use to clean up the gray which takes out some of the yellowness and creates a gray that suits your skintone. I think it called glazing and it is not really costly and does not have to be done nearly as often as coloring your hair.

shaz

Maybe start by growing out the fringe I'm trying that myself at the moment after a life time of having a fringe the In between stage is not so much fun but the right stylist could help advise you while it all grows out and shape it as you go along to get to your eventual hair style good luck

texstyle

(website)

Veteran

One thought about bangs - to me, if your hair is a bit thin in front, you may need actually more of the hair to be cut to the shorter length for the bangs to appear thick enough for your liking. Also, I've noticed both Angie and Janet's fringe being cut in a "choppy" angled sort of way that could be fun for you to try (IF you like the idea of keeping bangs).

catgirl

Veteran

I think a cut like Old Chic's would be easy to achieve and get rid of the "swoop" if that bothers you. As for the color, only do it if it's fun! It's taken me a year to grow out my grey, and the only thing I may do is put in a streak of color. It's like getting married - this is it, for the rest of my life!

My stylist was incredibly supportive of my decision to stop coloring, despite her financial interest in it. I am grateful to her for that.

And you look great.

donnat

Veteran

I think you should grow it out a bit, you need a bit if length. Jaw length would look great on you. An aysemmetric cut would also add some edge. I think your daughter has a good eye. You have been given some really good advice here.

Anonymous

If you grow them all the way out you might think the result is flatter on the top and harsher than you'd like. Moving them off your forehead could be more about blending them into the sides so that you'll still have some volume on the top and shape on the sides?
I've had good results when I go to a good salon, describe in detail what I don't like and listen very carefully to their suggestions.
I don't use stylist terms so instead of saying "it's too layered", I might say "it's too messy", because I might be wrong about the cause of the problem and I don't want to limit their solution.
And I especially like the middle range stylists rather than the juniors or the super best ones.

Gaylene

Veteran

Thirty years is a long stretch with the same stylist. It's possible your stylist thinks he knows you so well, he isn't convinced that you'd be happy with a drastically different look. Or, as happened with my stylist of 20 years, he might have fallen into the rut of executing the same cuts over and over to his clients.

If your cut isn't making you feel attractive when you catch a glimpse of yourself in a mirror, it might be time to shake things up a bit. When I hit my early sixties, I left my long-time stylist and took my "classic" bob into a salon filled with youngsters. I told the young stylist she could do whatever she wanted to my hair as long as (1) she didn't color it and (2) didn't give me an "old lady" cut.

I can't say that first cut and stylist were a resounding success, but it was the kickstart I needed. Over the next two years, I played with different lengths, cuts, products (gels, straighteners, thickeners, pastes--you name it, this formerly wash and wear senior tried it) and, yes, stylists. Most of the cuts were OK and a few were eye-openers (some great and some not-so-good), until I finally settled on my current style--a fringeless, inverted, side-parted, wavy bob that is very short in the back and long on the top and sides. With product, I can make my hair look dramatic or sedate--sleek, spikey, or curly.

Hair grows back, so I figure it's not a bad way to shake off those growing older doldrums. You are a very pretty woman in your current cut, but, if that cut doesn't make you feel good about yourself, then it's time to do something. Maybe you'll go back to your tried-and-true cut after a fling with something new, but, even if you do, you'll see yourself in a different light. Plus, it was fun viewing myself through the eyes of young stylists who wanted to make an older woman look current and stylish--even to the point where I seriously started thinking of putting a purple streak in my greying locks!

Aquamarine

Veteran

In my opinion, stylists can get lazy if you've been with them a long time. They don't have to be on their game as much as they do with a new client. If you like him or think he is talented, be firm when you tell him you want something different or you don't like the roundness of your cut, or whatever. Tell him you are willing to change your look in steps, not all at once. There are websites where you can scan in a photo of your face and "try on" different hair styles. I've never done it, but I am intrigued.

And I echo the suggestions to try some different products on your hair. Sometimes that's the only thing between me and frumpy hair. Experiment and perhaps your daughter can suggest some to try.

Anonymous

I really like the idea of longer bangs to your cheek bone or a jaw! Seems like there are a lot of styling options with this cut too. Maybe try a phased in approach: new haircut and THEN think about dying it.
#4 - you look great in blue!

Jaime

(website)

Veteran

I relate closely to what you wrote, although your pictures do not match your self description of tired and grey looking. You have a very pretty face and just need a stylist that gets you. I left my stylist when she resisted giving me a short hair cut - she is very nice and a good haircutter but conservative and didn't want to make a radical change. My current stylist is very supportive of all of my whims, including cutting all my hair off when I decided to stop coloring it, and my current cut is more popular than any I have ever had. Although you look lovely right now, you seem ready for a transformation. No need to use color to get it if you don't want to.

Janet

(website)

Veteran

Contrary to the idea some have posted of growing your bangs out, I wonder if your hair might have the same tendency mine does -- to get a bit "heavy" in front, as if it all grows forward. I wonder if a more angled, choppy bang style, as texstyle suggests, may break up that line a bit more and have the more updated look you seem to crave. Just a thought.

I think it's a great idea to collect styles that appeal to you to get ideas and start shopping around for a new stylist. Some fresh energy will probably help you find the right solution.

Gigi

Veteran

It is tough to break up with a stylist you've had so long, but we have to do what's best for ourselves. I'm glad that you have the confidence to consider a new stylist!

I liked what Gaylene wrote. I paid a lot of attention to my hair in high school and college, but then I got into a real rut. A couple of years ago (at age 40), I started trying again, and boy, was it hard. Even when I worked on my hair when I was younger, it never looked that great. My hair is very fine and limp, and it has a little wave, but it doesn't hold the wave very well. So I found a good stylist and also started experimenting with different ways of styling my hair: washing with conditioner, washing with regular shampoo, using heat tools, not using heat tools, straightening, etc. It is taking a lot of time--and a lot of money--but I am determined to find out what my hair likes! So my advice to you is to just keep trying, no matter how discouraged you may get. Try a different stylist, try different ways of styling, etc. I hope that both of us will get to where we want to be with our hair!

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