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body image issues

hanna

(website)

hello everyone! i made it safely home (malaysia, in case anyone was wondering!), and while i am still dealing with the situation we're facing here, there is an underlying, long-running issue i have every time i come home that i wondered if anyone here could identify with.

i only make it home once a year, and for 2 or 3 weeks at a time, so i don't always see a lot of my relatives. i used to be much thinner - underweight for my height really - and that didn't really change much in college since i didn't have much love for dorm food. when i got my first kitchen and really discovered how much i love to cook, that's when i started eating regular, healthy meals for the first time since being on my own.

now, i went from having unhealthy eating habits - sometimes going till 4pm without a proper meal, or just eating dinner, or junk - to cooking for myself, cutting down on junk, and eating at least 2 regular meals a day; proper, family style food that my mother taught me. that, of course, led to me putting on some weight, until i became the weight you see in my most recent pictures. relatives, being unused to this, like to say i've gotten fat. well, not directly - they say things like 'your face is sooo much rounder!' or 'my, you've really filled out haven't you! better stop soon *nudgenudgewinkwink*' or other snide comments.

it used to get to me, till my sisters and mother told me not to mind, and how much better i look now, and i know deep down that they're right. but today when i flew in and was eating the homecooked meal of my favorite dishes that my mom made for me, she looked at me with a smile and said that old favorite: "your face is SO much rounder now honey! i can see your double chin!"

i think it hurt me so much more because i think of my mom as my defender; i thought she, of all people, would know how much of an impact words like that can have. i'm not normally this sensitive, but really... there's only so many times i can hear it, and i KNOW i'm at a healthy weight FINALLY, so shouldn't she be in my corner here?

sigh, in light of everything else, it seems like such a small thing to get upset about, but it still makes me sad.

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24 replies

Latest reply was from Ariadne

Violet

Hi Hanna,

Glad to see you made it home safely. Sorry to hear about the comments you had to hear about your weight. I think those comments are rude and you have a right to be upset. I'm sure it is especially difficult coming from your mother.

I hope you don't get too down on yourself. It sounds like you have healthy eating habits and you are taking care of yourself and that is what's important. I'm not sure how close you are to your mom, but if it happens again maybe you can talk to her and let her know that these comments are hurtful. Take care!

shiny

Veteran

If your visit this time is because of a family emergency.... it could be that they are anxious and this is the way they are dealing with the anxiety - by tossing it on to you. Not very productive or helpful, but it's pretty common in family anxiety dynamics.

If you suspect that may be the case, then the loving thing to do is to just let their comments pass. Try not to absorb the anxiety yourself (that only hurts you), and try not to spread the anxiety back to them (that just escalates matters).

Hang in there!

Louise

Veteran

As long as you feel good and your health is good try not to let it worry you. (Know that's easier said than done though sometimes)

Amanda

Hanna -- based on your photos, you are certainly not overweight. And it sounds like you have healthy eating habits and a healthy attitude towards food and your weight. Perhaps you can make some comment back about being a healthy weight now and how glad you are not to be so skinny. Maybe by responding to their comments as a compliment, you'll feel better and they'll have a different perspective on your weight. Even the most loving families always seem to know how to push our buttons and that can be especially true during a crisis. So hang in there, let it go and know that you look great!

Anonymous

It seems like she may have meant it in a maternal way though in that a round face is better and more like her baby.
When you describe a round face as negative I really don't get it. I like a round face.
I know it is painful and embarrassing to have everyone commenting on you though.

Ellen

Hanna, I'm sorry for the discouraging situation you're in right now! I think Shiny's right - when things are hard and stressful, sometimes we divert our focus to help deal with it - and sometimes the diversion is not great for us or other people. As hard as it is, I hope that you can keep it from bugging you too much - you are beautiful and you don't need the additional stress of hurt from comments. Maybe you can talk to your mom about it at some point?

Ariadne

Veteran

Oh Hanna. *hugs* I suspect Shiny is on the right track here. Her comment is very insightful.

I know how extra-hurtful even a mild negative comment from one's Mom can be. Daughters are usually highly attuned to their mother's opinions, no matter how much we grow or how far away we move. Something that I'd just ignore from most people can hurt me really badly if it comes from my mom, even though I KNOW she doesn't mean to do that at all. I'm sure your mom doesn't either. Nevertheless, I've learned it can help to very gently say, "Ouch" or "That hurt my feelings." I hope you can find strength within yourself right now and that the crisis at home will work itself out eventually.

I think it goes without saying that you look wonderful, healthy, and not at all overweight (I'd love to have your figure), but I'll say it anyway just in case it helps at all

I think Aj makes a very wise suggestion about how to respond, too.

hanna

(website)

thank you everybody. i realize there's a lot of stress in the family right now, and it may have contributed to it, but i've heard the comments many, many times over the last couple of years, every time i come home - no matter whether there's an emergency at the moment or not! i try to let these things roll off my back, take it with a smile and a handful of salt (a pinch won't do it anymore ;)) and let it go, but it happens so constantly... sigh.

my mother actually does let slip one of these comments every once in a while, and each time i - or one of my sisters, if they're around - will defend it, saying i look better, healthier, that i was too thin before - and then my mother will be contrite and say something to try and make it better. but it still happens each time i'm home. i guess that means it bothers her more than i thought.

Ariadne

Veteran

Sorry to hear that, Hanna. All I can say is that I do relate, and you look wonderful.

hanna

(website)

san, it seems like the round face comment is maternal isn't it! but i guess it's the tone of the comment that upset me more than the actual words. plus it wasn't the shape of my face she was referring to so much as the fact that it's roundER than before... darn, it's hard to convey. i hope i don't sound like i'm making a big deal over nothing. i know it may seem like it, it's just that... i've let it roll off me for so long without telling anybody about it, and it's built up so much that i figured typing it out here would let off some steam. so thanks, ylf

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

BIG hug, Hanna. I'm sorry you're feeling blue. Unfortunately the people that we are closest to can end up hurting us the most - hence the term “unconditional love”.

But that doesn’t mean we can’t respond. My suggestion would be to speak to Mum about how your feelings have been hurt, when the time is right. It might be now or a little later. But for the meantime, I think it goes without saying that we think you look fab. Being healthy is stylish and you certainly sound and look like you have that down. I hope that the forum has helped reassure you that you are not overweight at all. Hang in there. We are here if you need us.

Maya

Veteran

Hanna, I remember the last time I went to visit my relatives (in India) was when I was very skinny and underweight too, and they kept ragging on my cousin to "be nice and slim like your cousin (me)." I felt terrible. She has Down's Syndrome for crying out loud.

I'm sure if they saw me now they would be disappointed that I have filled out so much. I sympathize with you on that and definitely understand your feelings. I know in my situation it's at least partly a cultural thing...the same way they praise me for being so fair (by Indian standards), so I tend to just dismiss it. Do you think it's the same for you?

It looks like you're healthy and take care of yourself, and that's all that matters. I know it's hard to believe that sometimes though. I think you look great in your pictures and "fat" is not a word that would even enter my mind.

Anonymous

Hanna I'm so sorry. In my maternal ways I wanted to make you feel better but it sounds like I made you feel that your intuition isn't valid. I apologize for that. I have a mother who has been doing things like that to me for 54 years and I am so at the end of my rope with it. Out of self defense I have begun to tell my aunt each time my mom insults me and what I am getting back from my aunt is the same kind of squelching that I just did to you. She acts as if everything must be in my imagination because in reality certainly everything is just fine. I know how much that hurts to have your feeling pushed back. What I really needed from my aunt was to hear her say, 'I understand, it is difficult to hear your mother say those things, and you are not a bad daughter because you are at the end of the rope with it.' So please feel free to express your feelings here Hanna. I DO understand how mch it hurts to have your mother say things like that to you, or behind your back. It's very painful.

Lena

Hanna, I understand how you feel. It always hurts the most when it comes from family. It may help to talk to your Mom about it, maybe not right now, maybe later. I should follow my own advice, I have yet to tell my own Mom how much some of her comments hurt me.

You look terrific.

dee2do

Mothers can be dopes sometimes. She's probably just awkward and in a strange way-- it's her way of loving you --but you should tell her that you were hurt and that you don't want her to treat you that way again. She'll probably be apologetic and thereafter, will probably think twice before she blurts out something so ridiculous.

Tanya

Veteran

I am sorry to hear this Hannah. Family and mothers especially can really push our buttons.

I have been in similar situation, but opposite: my relatives and family always insist that I am way too skinny and look like a stick and should eat more and that no man would ever want to marry such a "sack of bones" since they prefer curves etc. It hurts but I try to ignore it the best I can. Then, they also say things like I am going to become crazy ( literally) from all this studying and that this much education is no good especially for a woman and that they have turned out great with just high school and now I am too old to have kids and so on.

In my experience, the relatives are just best ignored. As for your mom, that can be a more sensitive issue, depending on her personality and the relationship you guys have. Mine is quite traditional and talking to her never helps at all, quite the opposite, so I choose to try to ignore her comments too, although they do hurt ;(

hanna

(website)

again, thank you everyone - i have gotten more support on this issue here than in real life! i think the problem, as you say tanya, is that relatives are easy to ignore, but my mother... is not. no matter how many times i have gently (or frustratedly, or angrily, or defensively by turns - sigh) told her how her words hurt me, it doesn't seem to stick. i know i should be immune to it by now, but oh well - i'm not! i guess i just have to cling to the knowledge that i look and feel great, and know my body well enough to know i am nowhere near being fat - everyone else can say what they want

boobalah

Hanna, my boyfriend is Malaysian. He's overweight and I know he has a hard time whenever he goes back there because everyone comments about his weight They don't mean to be hurtful, but it's really hard on him. He attributes it to a cultural difference. Which doesn't make it hurt any less, I know. Just wanted you to know you're not alone.

And judging by your pictures, you're a very pretty lady.

Maya

Veteran

I think a lot of people from other cultures have this problem Hanna. I had a friend from Jamaica who had, in my opinion, a very enviable body. She was teeny tiny but curvy with a great flat tummy from dancing. But she always thought she was too thin because apparently Jamaican culture idolizes a more voluptuous figure. It sounds like you know yourself and your body and YOU like yourself and that's all that matters.

And Tanya, your relatives are absolutely crazy! Look how many compliments you get here

Adrienne

Hmm where to begin. I have two daughters. 19 and 21. The youngest has had a slim womanly body since the age of 14. Recently she has gained weight giving her a rounder face. She recently asked me if she looked fat! I was stunned! Knowing how powerful a mother's off handed comment can be I was unable to answer her after a very pregnant pause. All I said is. The world measures you by variable standards. I measure you by my own and to me you will never be too fat, too dumb, too anything. I am your mother and your are perfect however you are. I thought this was a great answer. She said" YOU DO THINK IM FAT"..... So what is a mother to do. Next time anyone tells you your face is rounder. Just say "I know I'm so lucky and remember to smile!"

Oneirix

(website)

Hey Hanna. I hope you're feeling a little better with the support from these lovely ladies... I just wanted to throw my two cents in.

I think comments like that are very typical in Asian cultures. I'm half Chinese on my dad's side, and I remember very vividly this one day when I was 12 and I was passing my dad in the kitchen when he looked at me and said, "Oh you're getting really chubby aren't you!" I also have a friend from the mainland who I go shopping with all the time, and she always says things like, "you probably won't fit in that because your butt is too big."

I'm not sure what it's like in your family, but remarks along that vein are pretty common on my dad's side and even worse for my friend from China: I've been in the room with her and her mother several times and her mother will always find something to scrutinize, saying her arms look chubby or (you guessed it) her face is getting rounder. My dad told me that growing up his mother always told him he would be ugly because he had such dark skin, and that to be handsome he'd have to find a way to lighten it.

Every Asian friend I have who has a more traditional family has been picked apart in some way to make them feel like they need to change something about their bodies. Even in Asian cinema and literature self-degradation and family scrutiny are often obstacles the protagonist has to overcome (Joy Luck Club and Snow Falling on Cedars are probably the most obvious examples).

I think it stems from jealousy and anxiety, personally. The most basal way of conveying jealousy or lightening the burden of societal pressures is to pick at someone else. From a peer it could be that they're jealous of you, and so by making you feel as insecure as they do they feel safer. From family it's not necessarily that they're jealous, but that they also want you to feel as uncomfortable about yourself as they do about themselves. Misery loves company and all that.

Sorry, this kind of turned into a rant/essay, but what I really am trying to say is: don't listen to them. We're all insecure in some way or another, and the ONLY time someone who cares about you says something purposefully hurtful is because it's coming from their own issues, not yours. You're beautiful, as everyone who has seen you knows, and if you can feel comfortable in your own skin in the face of scrutiny, maybe you can convey a little of that strength and security to your peers.

Nicole

Veteran

Hi Hanna,

I wan't around when you posted your photos, so I went back and found your post with your photos. First of all, let me assure you that you are NOT overweight. If you are questioning yourself on this issue, you need to know that you look like a healthy weight to me.

As far as your mother's commets...I understand why it hurt you so much, but you have to take it with a grain of salt. There could be several of reasons why she would say what she did. She could have meant it as a compliment, she could have been emotional about your leaving, she could have been worried about you and seeing you healthy quelled her concerns. Or maybe she did think you have gained more weight than she would have liked you to gain. But even if that is the case, so what? It's your body and your life and you know what is best for you. What if she thought you were too thin? Would her comment bother you as much as her comment implying that she thougt you were too fat?

My mother has been obsessed with her weight and the weight of her 8 daughters' her whole life. One sister had severe anorexia and bulemia and almost died from her disorder. I know what it's like to get that disapproving eye from your mother. (and I live 3 miles from my parents!) You have to separate yourelf from your mother's opinions--because she is only human and they are only her opinions. Maybe she had some weight issues growing up, or she was teased, or her mother or father made rude comments to her. Whatever the reason, it's her cross to bear.

I'm glad you're back home safe and sound and I hope you can find some emotional rest now.

shiny

Veteran

Well... okay...

The honest truth is that I have spent a lifetime with my mother and sister disparaging my figure every time we get together in real life.

Both my sister and my mom have struggled with their weight through the years. They are both pears, so their weight issues aren't necessarily health issues. Or rather, the reality is they can carry a heck of a lot more weight on their hips, thighs and butt than I can, before weight becomes a health issue.

I am an apple shape and I have dealt with weight gain in my past. In my recent past, in the overweight BMI; in my distant past, in the obese BMI range.

Today, my doctor tells me I must stay within a rigid range of weight. My BMI is neither underweight nor overweight. If I start getting near the overweight BMI, like I did a few years ago, my blood sugar numbers go crazy. I inherited my dad's side of the genes, where late-onset diabetes is prevalent. My doctor told me if I did not get my weight down I would spend the rest of my life on drugs and checking my blood sugar levels every day, like my dad does. He scared the beejeezus out of me, on several office visits. Wake up call!

So, at 5'0", I cannot go over 115 lbs without major health repercussions. And I don't feel healthy under 105 lbs. So I have this 10 lb weight range that I keep myself. (Remember - I'm only 5'0").

Yet, I see my sister or my mom... and they bitch at me that I'm too skinny. And wave cookies and cake in my face, trying to get me to eat. And tell me I'm too vain, etc. This has been going on for years. Despite my relaying what my doctor advises me.

So Hanna, I still believe there is probably some anxiety dynamics going on... but at the end of the day, you just need to do what is right for you, and learn to let the comments roll off your back. Believe in yourself, and then ignore. They don't live in your skin, afterall.

We look to our families to love us, but in the end, it's about loving ourselves. That's the most important thing.

Ariadne

Veteran

Hanna, I hope you're hanging in there. I'm thinking of you and wishing you well.

This is a really wonderful thread. There is so much collective wisdom here! What an amazing place YLF is.