I went to Allen Premium outlets yesterday, hoping for a couple of much needed items: leather gloves, a nice sweater or sweatshirt, some jeans that fit... My first stop was the Wilson's Leather, but that location was one of the stores closing, and I already have plenty of what the store had left: leather jacket, wool blend coat, wallets, bags...

My next serious stop was the Armani outlet. They had some beautiful stuff and great prices, and I was standing there studying a knit jacket when a nice older man asked me very politely if he could embarrass me. I told him he could try with a twinkle in my eyes and a big smile. He was wanting to get a jacket for his wife, and he said that I was very close to the same size as his wife. He had a gorgeous blazer in his hand, and he was unsure what size to buy her. A sales associate wandered up about that time, and what ensued was a discussion of size and the advantages of knits over wovens for women with strong arms and shoulders (the man's wife was a swimmer, with muscular arms and shoulders like my own). I told the gentleman and the SA that I was probably a 12 or 14, so I tried on a red knit jacket in a 10 for the man.

It. Was. Loose.

The size 8 wound up being a pretty good fit on me, so the guy went one size down for his wife. I left the store confused as confused can get. After I left Armani, I headed to 7FAM to look for jeans. My girl Nicole wasn't there, but a very nice young man approached me and we began searching for some jeans for me. I fell in love with a black pair with a velvet textured pattern, and a coated black pair, while he brought me a pair of dark blue ones. The ones he brought me were high waisted, so I was absolutely certain they wouldn't work because of my short torso. I'm glad I didn't dismiss the high waisted blue ones outright, because they wound up being so stinking perfect it was delightfully amusing. Their high waist was actually a mid rise (go figure). I was also a size smaller than I expected.

Where on earth is this disconnect coming from? How am I not SEEING the reality when I look in the mirror? I don't look in the mirror and hate what I see, nothing like that. I just see my arms and shoulders as being rather large and strong, my waist as being a bit thicker and fluffier than I would perhaps like, and I still have have my butt that looks good in pants. My body is fitting into size 8 jackets and size 6 pants, yet I am still seeing a size 12 or 14 when I look in the mirror.

Here I am, a woman who jumps up on her soapbox regularly to shout about the negative messaging we are bombarded with: my hair isn't shiny enough, my grey hair is uncool for a woman of my age but 20-somethings who bleach their hair to dye it grey ARE cool, for Pete's sake there are deodorants out there that prevent underarm discoloration and I'm like NOW I'M SUPPOSED TO WORRY ABOUT WHAT COLOR THE SKIN IS IN MY ARMPITS???!!!??? Yet here I am, not seeing myself objectively when I look in the mirror, and I can't figure out where the disconnect is happening.

I don't care about the numbers on the tags or scales, I'm just boggled by the disconnect between what I think I see in the mirror and what the reality is, and I know that this has always been a safe space for these types of discussions. I'm wondering if the coronapocalypse has something to do with it, since everything has been weird all year, and I have been nowhere (except work or vital errands) for months, meaning I haven't really been interacting with people like I used to; maybe that lack of seeing people's reactions to my outfits or whatever has made the difference in how I perceive myself?

I don't know, and I just figured I'd throw it out here because it's really weird. Normally, I don't have this body image/perception disconnect, so it's a very jarring experience LOL

I bought the jeans the S.A. picked for me at 7FAM, and I got me some makeup and some fun (non prescription) glasses and shades to wear at work to help keep sawdust and dirt out of my eyes. Both pairs are so late 70s-early 80s disco fabulous, and they'll help keep dust and dirt from irritating my contacts and it's Christmas so why not?

Thanks for reading, and thanks for any discussion of the topic. I always find a lot of wisdom here, and it is always appreciated