Body and shopping therapy needed - YouLookFab Forum

Category

Body Type

Welcome! Read about what to wear and how to wear it on the YLF Blog. Join the YLF Forum to ask specific questions or just chat about fashion and personal style. Or check out the curated list of things we love in YLF Finds.

Outfits Ensembles Trends Advice

Body and shopping therapy needed

Tammyb

So, this is a long one....I've been reading YLF for years, but never signed in until recently. So thank you all for your advice and inspiration over this time while I was anonymous.

Now I have a question/problem that has been building since I had twins 8 years ago. Since the twins, I have turned 40, taken on a demanding corporate job and you know -- LIFE WITH THREE KIDS! I could deal with the fact that my body shape didn't come back after the twins -- I bought new clothes, figured out stores and sizes and was happy with my wardrobe. But now 10 pounds have crept on over the last two years, some of the clothes I loved don't fit anymore and I my sizing is all wonky. My usual Talbot and Ann Taylor 14 or 16s are too tight in the waist. The truth is I am having a hard time letting go of these clothes that sit in my closet and don't quite close (I even wear some of the jackets anyway, but never button them). Letting them go means that I have accepted this weight gain. (For the record, I am lucky that I could go out and replace them if I knew where to shop for my new size.)

So my questions for you are:
Can you help me NOT feel guilty about letting go of these clothes so I'm not punishing myself mentally every time I put them on and realize yet again they don't fit?

Can anyone relate with this problem and commiserate or help me find the silver lining?

Where the heck can I shop for this size -- and WHAT IS THIS SIZE? I guess I am a 14W. I am in corporate attire 4 days a week. I have enough shells and casual wear, so really I'm looking for suits and jackets that will fit me well.

Or, do I just need to embrace Eileen Fisher and move on with my life??? (that's actually a joke, I am a structured girl, not an EF flowy type)

Thanks all for your advice!!

Body Type

23 replies

Latest reply was from Jaime

Liz

Veteran

Don't have time for an extensive reply, just this short one: Letting these clothes go does not mean you have accepted this weight gain.

Probably without consciously thinking about it, that's the meaning you have tied to this action. But there are a whole bunch of other things "letting these clothes go" could mean:

You've decided not to let your clothes tell you how to feel.
You've decided to use that closet space for something else.
You've decided to dress for the body you have right now.
You've decided that you'll simply buy new clothes if or when you lose the weight.
You've decided that those clothes no longer have control over you -- they're just pieces of fabric.

Anonymous

Wow. Liz's response was just what I needed personally. Bookmarking.

SandyG

Veteran

Echoing Liz's wise thoughts! Please don't let old clothes in your closet boss you around.

Traci

Veteran

Fellow size 14 apple with hourglass secondary here! I'm also petite, so ymmv.

The best suiting I've found for myself has been the halogen brand from Nordstrom. I find certain drape front jacket styles work best, but more classic Blazers can work too, especially if they are cut lower in the front. The lower front keeps me from looking like a box of apples.

Another thing, what type of trousers are you going for? I find a cigarette cut with a blazer looks infinitely less stodgy on me over a pair of wide leg suit trousers. I just got rid of all my traditional suit trousers because I can see that even if I fit into them they're not flattering in me.

Tammyb

Traci, I just re-discovered cigarette pants and love the look over wide leg. I wear A LOT of skirts. In fact when I buy a suit, I usually buy the pants and skirt.
Thanks!

Joyce B

Veteran

If you have decided to let go then just do what is in your heart. If you have a little doubt, do you think you can box the clothes and put them away for 6 months and then reassess and if they are not good for you then donate? That would make things a little more gradual and the clothes would not be in your face every time you opened your closet.
Try to see things as objectively as possible, with no judgment attached.
Guilt and judgment do not lead to positive things.

Anonymous

I can absolutely commiserate , although my age and circumstances for weight gain are different. I cannot bring myself to replace everything I own that no longer fits because as you say, it signifies acceptance or being ok with it. I have had to do it gradually because I obviously have to have something to wear, but if I got rid of everything that was no longer perfect, well, I'd have little to wear. I keep hoping I will lose weight and regain my tighter physique (fitness wise) but it hasn't happened - and I suppose finally getting rid of the rest of my former wardrobe is going to have to happen.

I do like Liz's approach and her words - they make a lot of sense.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

I love what Liz said.

Think of it this way. If you do change size/ weight and become smaller later on (after you've already passed along the older non-fitting clothes) it will be a chance to buy a current wardrobe of lovely things. In the meantime, you also get a chance to buy a current wardrobe of lovely things that fit the body you are currently in!

Anna

Okay, here's my take. You work, you take care of 3 children and maybe a partner, a home and You get things done. You deserve to feel good in your clothes and to have things that FIT. Getting rid of the smaller clothes doesn't mean you have given up on losing the weight. I lost a lot of weight over the last two years. Before that I wore clothes that were too tight because I refused to believe I wouldn't lose the weight. I was in the same mindset as you. So everyday was a struggle figuring out what to wear. I never felt comfortable or attractive in what I wore. Every. Single. Day. And all it did was waste my time. Looking bad I could kick myself for not buying things that fit and looked good on me. I think if you don't feel comfortable and feel that you look good a lot of other things suffer. Buy some clothing that fits you now. Don't wear the items that don't fit well. Maybe you can box them up and store for a while. Then you can try them on later. If they don't fit then you have to decide what to do. But you are out there every day with a demanding corporate job ( your words). And if you weren't doing a good job you wouldn't have that job. So you deserve it. And like Suz said. If you lose the weight later, you can buy all new up to date lovely things!

Windchime

Veteran

I'm selfishly glad you posted this; it's comforting to know I'm not alone in not being thrilled about some aspects of my middle-aged body. (Just had a marathon shopping session for skirts and shorts; tried on about 50 and came home with 1.)

And I strongly second exactly what Liz said! Letting go of things that aren't working for you right now does NOT mean you have "accepted" a weight gain. It means you have wisely decided to make room in your closet for clothes that you love and that make you feel great.

Sally

Veteran

I did this. I put on weight due to work and busyness with a child etc. I got rid of all my clothes because they didn't fit and bought new clothes. Then 5 years later I lost the weight again...there's 2 pairs of jeans I wish I hadn't got rid of but I kept one dress which was classic and I'm wearing again....now I have clothes in a size too big for me. What did I learn from this? For me it's better for me to have a small wardrobe in clothes that fit nicely. Maybe put away a few things that you'd wear if you are that size again and dress the body you have now.

Tammyb

Thank you all for your thoughts and wisdom! Sally, I love what you said especially that you'd rather have a small wardrobe of clothes that fit nicely. So true!

Gigi

Veteran

Lots of good advice here. I am with Joyce. I would pack up the clothes that don't fit and get them out of sight. I would also buy what you need to get dressed at your current weight. A lot of us on the forum have a variety of sizes in our closet due to fluctuating weights, so consider the purchases just part of increasing the spectrum of clothing in your closet available for wear. After you have packed the clothing away for some months, you can go back to it and see if you are feeling differently. Sometimes creating an out-of-sight, out-of-mind situation can allow us to move on, and then we are a changed person when we come back to reassess what was bothering us.

tulle

Veteran

Agree that Liz has the right idea: get those too-snug clothes out of your closet as soon as possible. Leave only things that make you feel good when you wear them--even if, for now, that means you have very few outfits. Take some time when you can, maybe with a friend whose eye you trust, to shop for some new things that flatter you and lift your spirits. But if there are clothes in the too-small category that you especially liked or invested a lot in, do follow Joyce's advice and pack them away for now. If and when you're able to lose weight (Be patient with yourself--you have a lot going on right now!) try them on again. You may welcome them back as old friends, or decide that they no longer feel current enough to keep any longer. Good luck--you are not alone!

RobinF

Veteran

I agree with a lot that has been said already. The main thing I think is to get clothes that fit so you don't feel miserable every day in too-tight clothes. That does nothing for your self-esteem. And I agree with get the smaller clothes out of sight. Many of us have been where you are!

Barbara Diane

Veteran

Liz, I've never heard anyone call clothes just fabric. Thank you so much.

My weight has fluctuated significantly. Here's what I do-I keep current clothes only in my closet. I keep clothes that are too small elsewhere. If I lose weight I get rid of my larger clothes. I usually find that about when I get a truly workable wardrobe in a size, I start to lose weight. lol. It's like I made peace enough with my weight and I've taken care of myself, so I get rewarded.
But, here's the caveat, my weight, and fluctuations, are much greater than 10 pounds.
If your extra weight is basically in your stomach, W sizes will probably work well. I'd suggest looking at some size charts and see where you land.

Gretchen

Veteran

Long time blog reader, just joined the forum for this exact same reason. Trying to figure out how to dress the shape I'm in...and not mourn the shape I think I should have!

TammyB, would love to hear any tips you get on new designers, or stores to try. I used Amazon prime day to comparison shop NYDJs, and found that while I could wear the 14, the 14W was more comfortable. Baby steps!

Liz, your message was exactly what I needed to hear... I'm off to go clean out a bunch of work pants that no longer work. Thank you!

Anonymous

I made the mistake of getting rid of larger sized clothing after I lost weight, and now the weight has crept back on. I guess it happens to all of us. If I manage to shed some pounds again, and I hope I do, I will more than likely hold on to what I have. I have purposely bought rather loose (but not oversized) tops that will still work even if I lose a little weight. My weight goes to my waist, so it's always pants, skirts and dresses that I have trouble with.

DonnaF

Veteran

And you know Murphy's Law, right? Once you finally get rid of those smaller clothes, the weight will off. But that's not so bad, right? Stress, and its accompanying hormones, help us hold onto and/or gain weight. So you have the kids, demanding job, etc. My DH quickly lost about 15 pounds once he retired and no longer worked graveyard shift (and stopped going to the donut shop, LOL).

Nishaa

I guess I don't need to give you any advice.. The wise ones have spoken.

just chimed in to say that body undergoes a lot of changes as it ages. So does almost all things, even machines will show wear and tear..We accept it much better on others, don't we? Where does it say that you need to be only certain weight once you are an adult? Or you need to fit in certain sizes only? Don't give in to this skewed media propaganda..

I agree with all it might be wise to save a few classic items, that you love and box them up in case you go down on scale. But till then small fitting loved wardrobe for your body is what it deserves.. And you do.

anchie

Veteran

Just want to add that from my extensive experience with weight gain and fluctuations, I look thinner if the clothes are not too tight. Get the clothes in your current size, you will feel and look better.

goldenpig

(website)

Veteran

Hi Tammyb, I totally get what you're saying. I also have three kids and gained 10-15 lb over the past year. I just did a purge of a bunch of jeans that I bought 5 years ago when I joined YLF that were way too small. I brought them to my sister who had my niece try them on and they fit! I have several pairs of jeans that are a little tight and I'm storing them away in case I lose the weight in the next year or so. But I'm buying one or two pairs of jeans in my new size up because life is too short to let your clothes boss you around. I only feel fat when my jeans give me muffin top.

Jaime

(website)

Veteran

Tricky (also a twins mother and yes, they did a number on me too). On the one hand, it is absolutely true that you don't want a bunch of clothes that don't fit front and center in your closet. On the other, ten pounds can come and go fairly quickly (especially come alas). I like to keep a box of clothes that have recently fit aside, but only pull them out when I think things have changed. I am much happier having only things that fit right now in my active closet.