Blargh!! a rant - YouLookFab Forum

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Blargh!! a rant

Helena

Veteran

Wondering can anyone relate ... I am part-way through my wardrobe analysis, and it's enlightening, and what I know is that I do know my style, what I like, etc. I like things very simple, understated, etc ... I love being part of the forum because I could so easily fall into a rut and wear the same thing for 10 years ... but I do like my style, I like how I dress, and I'm okay with the simplicity.

And yet I feel the need to obsess and nitpick over trifles like which shade of a color is right, and should I wear black or should I wear color, or should spend more or should I spend less ... it's not so much the questions as the energy behind them ... it's not fun; it's frustrating. I'll go simple and feel blah beside a more trendy friend ... or I'll go colorful and feel like a tacky box of crayons beside the sleek mom in black and gray I run into. It's just never right in my book.

And then I wonder - what EXACTLY do I think will happen should I figure out the perfect shade, or perfect accessory, or find the perfect fit of a v-neck? Will I grow a 20 year old head in place of my 40 year old one? Banish global warming through the mystical power of style? Suddenly understand the meaning of life? What, what am I expecting here?

Anyways, that's my rant ... I go through phases like this and it's aggravating ... trying to enjoy the process but that's not always my strong suit. If you can relate, I'd love to hear you story ... if you can't, well, bless your heart for making it through this whiney rant!!

General

28 replies

Latest reply was from fuzzylogic

Anonymous

Relax and have fun. I think that you are trying too hard for perfection. Realize that what is the perfect shade will probably not be the same shade next year or even next season. It's a journey, not a destination, in many ways. If you are getting frustrated, back off until you want to explore possibilities.

Kimberley

Veteran

Oh I relate, torontogirl!

It starts when I am shopping: while I know what I love/will wear, the shopping process ignites some seriously obsessive-compulsive tendencies. I start to second-guess everything I thought I knew about myself, my body, my taste and then I am unable to buy anything and leave empty handed; either that or I bring something home, ask myself a million questions about the item and end up returning it the next day because I am overwhelmed and uncertain. I can rarely decide if I made the right choice/spent too much/spent too little, etc. etc.

I am cripple myself psychologically and it sure sucks the joy out of shopping, not to mention dressing, as then I am stuck wearing the same worn out items that I wanted desperately to replace.

I know I make the process too difficult and put too much pressure on it, but I can't seem to break the cycle. Why, why, why?!

I was at the mall briefly with my daughter yesterday and it occurred to me that maybe what I need is a style definition, a sort of mission statement. Perhaps that will help me feel less overwhelmed. I definitely need to get past this!

Anyway it's not a big help but I do know what you mean - I thought I was the only one with this issue

cuffcat

I know how you feel. Try to have confidence in your selections. We are all on a journey to be our best. I'm certain that even the women that appear most perfectly polished have their own self-doubts. It gets a little easier every time.

citygirldc

(website)

Veteran

You're not alone. I wish I could grow a 20 year old body with a 20 year old mind. LOL! I'm going through the same thing as you are and can't seem to find "myself" these days. In my 20s I knew what I liked a wore them. Now I'm second guessing myself too, whether I need more color in my life, or wear more black, or spend more or less. It gets so overwhelming at times but we move on.

leopardluxe

Veteran

I can totally relate. When I find myself doing that (especially obsessing over something like "just the right shade of color") I usually just remind myself to not over think it and just have fun.

Getting dressed can be stressful enough when I'm hormonal (I feel horrendous in almost anything I put on when that happens). So when I'm not in the throes of the hormonal rollercoaster I usually just say "screw it" if I start to get a bit too obsessive/anal/analytical about it

I forget her name, but the Creative or Fashion Director at (I think) Barneys, who is a stylish older woman in probably her 50s/60s, said something that really resonates with me and this conundrum:

" I like to walk the line between fashion fabulous and fashion faux pas."

Sometimes things are a hit and sometimes they're a miss. What's important is that you enjoy finding the line and have fun.

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

Good job thinking about these things, TG. I'm proud of you.

Here's my 2 cents. :

You think you know your style - but it sounds like you're unsure since you're affected by what others wear around you. Your style is YOUR style, and it should make you feel fab no matter what.
The process of self-awareness is a deep and dark place. Often people don't want to go there because it's hard. People think they know themselves and often - they don't. Or they are very surprised which can be jarring. The only way out is through. Try to persevere. We can help you every step of the way.
Focus. Take one question at a time and deal with it. Find a temporary optimal solution. Nothing is cast in stone. You can change your mind at any time.
Experiment. You cannot establish what you love until you wear what you don't like at all.
Be Patient. The mysteries and epiphanies unravel in their own time.
Evolve. Your feelings about all of this changes as fast as every season, or as slow as every 5 years. Go with the flow.

These are common feelings with my clients, TG. Just keep on at it. Don't over analyze. Shout when you need help. And laugh along the way. xo

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Big hugs.

Mr. Suz sometimes experiences what Kimberley talks about when he is shopping. In his case, it's anxiety rearing its nasty head. So tough to deal with. I usually counsel backing off the shopping for a little while and maybe some reflection about what else is going on to cause the anxiety. When he gets to the bottom of it, it's rarely about the clothes. Something else is going on. Anxiety can't be avoided in life -- but again, super-anxious times are possibly not the best times to shop.

As for what you're feeling among others...."Comparison is the thief of joy."

If YOU are happy in your own style, and happy in yourself, then (eventually) that should translate into confidence around others.

Having said that, I have to acknowledge that in dressing today, I was highly conscious of four tricky constraints:

A meeting this morning with an accountant. With my vegan step-daughter in attendance, so wearing leather is tactless.
Gym this afternoon.
Terrible rain in the forecast -- and I walk to and from the gym.
Meeting with an artist friend who dresses in an extremely fun and funky way, post-gym.

What can I possibly wear that will work for all those occasions? (Well, obviously I will wear something different AT the gym, but you know what I mean.)

I started to fret. Do I need to "dress up" and look "business" for the accountant? Which boots will I be able to wear both for rain protection and for looks -- without having to worry about ruining them? My friend will look fun and amazing this afternoon -- can I manage to put on one of my trendier pieces? Oh, but not the cashmere or the leather because that would upset my vegan step-daughter....

The result, I'm afraid, is pretty standard and boring. But so be it. I'll be wearing skinnies tucked into my black boots, my leopard belt, and a black turtleneck. Doesn't get a lot simpler. And I sure won't look as fun as my friend when we meet up. But hey. It is what it is, and it's my style. Functional as well as at least moderately fashionable. I am good with that.

In fact, I picked the t-neck precisely because it is a style that feels most completely me. I just can't feel bad about myself when I am wearing one, no matter what. Which is really what it is all about.

Mo

(website)

Veteran

Yep, there are days where I just wonder what in the heck I have all these cool clothes for if I'm not actually doing anything cool! Doing laundry and getting groceries is not very cool. And so I end up in my B team items waiting for cool opportunities to wear my cool clothes LOL. Then I remind myself, it's because it makes me happy, no matter my surroundings. And so I end up in the grocery store in my spiked sandals among the flip flops and smile inside.

MuseumGal

Veteran

Ha, I hear you. I over-analyze everything, including my wardrobe, my marriage, my dissertation, my garden, politics, etc... I figure focusing on the wardrobe is actually better than obsessing on a lot of other things.

Helena

Veteran

Oh, thanks as always, one and all! So glad I am not alone - Kimberly, CitygirlDC (I could have written your comments myself ha!), Leapordluxe and Museumgal, it was very encouraging to read your struggles too, so thank you for sharing them!

Joy, Cuffcat, Mo, thank you so much for the encouragement and confidence-boosting!

Angie - you are so awesome. Pasted all your points into my style diary spreadsheet ... will be referring back to them often! The first one especially hit home. Thanks for sharing your wisdom and experience in this area.

Suz, love that quote and thanks for sharing your dilemma - thus proving that sometimes there are three or four competing "rights" in a day, and thus by definition we must sometimes accept that for practicality's sake we may not always be "right".

Thanks again

kerry

Veteran

Ladies! You are rocking my world right now! Reading this post and your responses is crazily serendipitous! I joined YLF 2 days ago after stalking it for almost a year (and learning a lot!). I thought it would be a fun diversion. I feel the need for diversion as I am planning for big change in my work life and it's scary. But change is always a moment for reflection and learning. So, I've been reading and reflecting. Susan Cain's Quiet was a revelation for me. Angie, I like your 2 cents on how the process of self awareness can be a deep and dark place. I need that reminder. I agree to with your sentiment that "The only way out is through". How right you are! Suz, Teddy Roosevelt's quote "Comparison is the thief of joy" is so right on. That quote has been a bit of a mantra for me lately. It works!

Torontogirl - not a whiney rant! I get over-analysis too! I get mad at myself that I'm not enjoying the process. My guess is when you get like this it's a red herring for something else going on. Have fun, sure, but more importantly, be gentle with yourself.

E

Veteran

Aww: I'm sorry TG! I love to analyse style and wardrobe building and colours and everything else to death, but I do it for a fun/as a break/diversion, so that's why I continue to do it. If you're finding it stressful, it's definitely worth taking a step back. I love what Suz says re: comparison & don't feel I have anything to add in that department.

The thing is, finding your style won't help anyone but you (re: 'exactly' what will happen). That doesn't mean it's not important, especially as a creative/artistic endeavour. But for me at least, figuring out my style has given me a bit of metaphorical armour that helps me deal with the life's challenges, as well as provided a creative outlet. As I spend most of my time at home, or on walks, before I joined the forum, I was quite literally frequently dressing only for myself. I still did it, because I felt so much better in outfits than in pjs, and in outfits that felt like 'me.' I suspect in the long run, figuring out 'your' colours, especially the neutrals, will be worth it because then you'll feel completely at ease in your simple outfits, no matter what. For now, though, just remember that the forum is full of sharper eyes & higher expectations than regular life!

As for myself, lately I've been pondering why I'm so resistant to the idea of putting an item limit on my thrifting this year (vs a budget limit, which I've always done), even though I have a closet full of clothes I love and can't wear super frequently because of the quantities involved. I almost never shop for other things (either window shopping or real shopping) and am committed to a simpler lifestyle for ethical, practical and sanity/personal fulfillment reasons. So why do I desire more and more clothes? I vacillate between being horrified by my consumerist leanings and putting it in the perspective that I'm buying secondhand, not spending much money, or even *that* much time (I thrift maybe twice a month) and what's the harm if it brings me such pleasure? Thinking about all of this is very stressful for me, and I've yet to find any answers, and it does make me want to throw up my hands in disgust and never think about style or clothes again. But I know the issue isn't really clothes, and that ultimately it will be better to work through it than not. I love what Angie wrote.

I don't know if that's helpful! But while I'm not going through your exact issues right now, I definitely have my own.

gryffin

Veteran

torontogirl - so sorry you hit the wall. Honestly it happens to all of us. I did a total jaw drop on Angie's advice. It's exactly what I would have wanted to say but sooooooooooooooooooooooo much more eloquent. It sounds like you need to really figure out what you LOVE to wear. Not what you like or what you can live with. If you really feel fantastic in your outfit and if it's perfect for the occasion, you won't care what anyone else has on. For me that meant limiting my colors, boots and booties (no shoes or sandals), embellished belts, tunics, leggings, blazers and my trademark bob. You need to find those things that make your list whether it's a color, silhouette, look, item. It's not easy and it will always evolve and change as you do. So try to kick back and get a large glass of wine and remember, you don't need to figure it all out right now. Most things are evolution not revolution. Try and destress and remember that a journey really does begin with a single step. It will become clearer as you go along!! Big hugs and hang in there!!

unfrumped

Veteran

Oh yes, I can relate.
Take deep breaths and follow advice already given!

Too high expectations--for perfection, not for fun--are part of it.

Even some of our posts, to me, are unrealistic--" I will have only things in my closet that I love".... Really? 24/7/365 ? Through all my moods or changes in life?
That implies that I can and will react and "fix" my wardrobe in perfect sync with all of those other things.

And I love Angie's reminder that we must occasionally have outfit-flops in order to define and move forward. That was hard for me--much because of misguided sefl-pressure as noted in the above paragraph, such as, you mean I got these clothes and made outfits I thought were fab and then I went to work in THIS outfit and looked possibly dorky after all that effort? What was it all for?

So cut yourself some slack, for sure!

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

Chiming back in to say that you rock. I love your spirit and attitude, TG. xo

Helena

Veteran

Oh, well shucks, now I am blushing Thank you Angie, you are so kind!!

Thanks Kerry (will be looking for that book!), E., gryffin (great advice on raising a glass, will do so as soon as the hour is appropriate!), unfrumped and all for the great advice and encouragement... what a great group you are and a nice place to visit for a bit of a boost! Appreciate you all very much

Gigi

Veteran

No time to read over all the replies right now, but I definitely want to come back to this thread later because this is the kind of stuff I love about YLF!

I just wanted to say that yes, what you're experiencing is very familiar to me too. I discovered recently that part of my problem was that I had recently been buying too much stuff, and that seemed to exacerbate this situation (not sure if this applies to you). I discovered that once I stopped buying so frequently and really allowed myself to work with what I had, I was much more content, because I was able to focus on what I was wearing rather than on what I was *not* wearing!

My style is still in flux, but I have found that by purchasing things much more slowly and more deliberately, and by buying ONLY those things that really push my happy buttons (as opposed to just checking off "moto jacket" on my list because I found one that fit that was "OK"), I am doing much better and am enjoying my wardrobe more.

fuzzylogic

Veteran

Thanks for creating this this topic torontogirl , and thanks everyone for these thoughtful and considered responses, I have really enjoyed reading them! Angie's points regarding allowing yourself fashion mistakes and allowing you style to evolve resonate with me.

Caro in Oz

Veteran

I agree with everything Angie said. As someone with perfectionist tendencies I have found Brene Brown very helpful.

“Perfectionism is a self destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame.”
― Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are

kerry

Veteran

Caro, I loved Gifts by Brene too. I took her course online in the fall and will be participating in the second part this spring.

Helenedith

This so resonates with me, the responses and wisdom of the posts has given me a lot to think of. A friend has said to me ' you worry too much about what others think' it is comforting to know I am not alone!
Kerry, I too found reading 'quiet' a revelation

carter

Veteran

TG, I've been back to read this thread several times. I haven't commented yet because I don't have any profound wisdom like the others. But I hope you find value in what I have to say. When you posted your stripes and dots outfit the other day, my first thought was, "Ugh...why can't I throw on a tee and jeans and look this effortlessly chic?" I guarantee you that all those women you compare yourself to are comparing themselves to you at the same time. And they're the ones falling short in their minds, not you. I know I'm too hard on myself, and you are certainly too hard on yourself. I have to stop to acknowledge that sometimes. I think now is one of those times for you.

lyn*

(website)

Veteran

I'll pipe in with a psychodynamic approach - are there feelings behind why you need to analyze everything?

There's really no such thing as perfection in any area of life... I know for me, anyway, wearing an outfit that makes me happier than others may not look as nice, but hey, I am comfy in my skin and can do my job - that outfit is a winner in my book.

Analysis works up to a certain point (I don't like body con, and I like fit and flares, and I like pattern mixing), but if we go overboard it becomes a hinderance less than a help.

Helena

Veteran

Thanks so much all - I've got some books to read now; both Quiet and the Brene Brown one sound like they would be very good for me.

Carter, your post actually got me a little misty. Why oh why do we do this to ourselves?? Let's just agree to stop, okay?

Lyn, quite right - too much analysis is a hindrance - I def. have the tendency to want to be 'right' in EVERYONE'S opinion, which is obviously impossible hence I drive myself a bit crazy over it.

I started the day feeling a bit silly writing this post and now I've gotten all this support and positive thoughts and a few others perhaps have benefited as well. What a great forum to be a part of ... thank you thank you all!!

Suz

(website)

Veteran

SarahTheWhite

Veteran

This is such a great thread. I love Suz' quote on comparisons. I have found the most self doubt for me comes after the fact. I will wear something that felt wonderful at the time and then later see someone in something simpler, more elegant, more colorful, etc (exactly what you described) and then rethink what I wore two days ago. I am not in the moment, and I forget how great I felt in that outfit when I wore it. It turns out what I am not taking into account is that I don't have "her" hair, youth (or age) or body. Sometimes it is not the other person's style or clothing that calls to me or makes me doubt myself, but the fact that she looks so confident and stylish and has physical qualities that I find attractive. The best way to figure that out is to give her style a go. You'll know pretty quickly whether you want to adopt it, or you'll have a good laugh at yourself and scratch one more thing off the list! It's pretty much a win-win either way!

When it comes to overthinking the details of an outfit, it helps me to do less thinking and more feeling. Certain colors, patterns and textures make me gasp in delight. My heart beats faster and I feel excited about wearing something so lovely. How could I not wear those when they make my heart sing? When it comes to certain accessories, I know which ones might technically look better, but I invariably reach for the ones that make me feel more me - even if they aren't the "best" choice. They are the "me" choice. I think sometimes that most daunting thing about fashion is that we know that we are telling our own story. It is also the most wonderful part. It is YOUR story and you get to tell it!

April

Veteran

"I'll go colorful and feel like a tacky box of crayons beside the sleek mom in black and gray I run into."

TG, this *so* resonated for me. When I was first on YLF, I was strongly swayed by all the stunningly colorful outfits I saw here and made a lot of mistakes trying to liven up the colors in my closet. Now I realize that neutrals are the most "me" and I tend to leave bright colors for handbags. It took a long time and lots of experience with different combinations to understand that, though.

Wear what you want and pay attention to how it makes you feel and how others react to it. Eventually you'll begin to figure out whether the orange pullover is a must-have or a best-admired-from-a-distance.

fuzzylogic

Veteran

I was re-reading all the sage advice and musings in this post and I just wanted to give it a little bump just in case anyone missed it.

I agree with lyn that a psychodynamic approach is required- you can't just turn off perfectionism; it is a lot more difficult than the cognitive-behavioural approach of 'think happy-be happy'. I like definition of perfectionism that Brene Brown gives. Does she explore the root causes of the underlying feelings of shame/judgement/blame and how to process them? Will read further.