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Big News and transitioning to SAHM (or working from home person)

Scarlet

Veteran

Hello to my friends on the forum and to the folks I have not yet met during my long absence from the forum,

two big pieces of news: about 6 weeks ago I became a second-time mom to a beautiful boy, and two, we are moving back to the USA!

I feel a bit cheeky posting this because I have had so little time to spend on the forum since my first was born. Working full-time coupled with a two hour commute, a toddler at home, and then being pregnant on top of that maxed me out.

Nevertheless I know there is so much wisdom on the forum, so I am posting for those who might be so kind to share their thoughts and experience.

We are moving for DH’s job. It is very exciting for me to be coming home after years abroad, but it means I will be jobless and staying at home with the baby and a two year old, and getting us all transitioned to a new home. I plan to wait at least a year before trying to find work.

I have never been “at home” before and to be honest I don’t really know how to do it. I don’t even know where to start with all the things I am nervous about. I am open to any advice, but what I am especially wondering about right now is how to organize time or structure my day. For example, do you find it helpful to stick to a strict schedule? Do you set little “goals” for yourself? Could it be that an unstructured approach works for you?

I am open and would love to hear your thoughts.

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22 replies

Latest reply was from Scarlet

Helena

Veteran

Hi Scarlet, that is great news! I am all for women doing whatever they feel is best/most necessary for their families and their circumstances - but I am a stay at home mom, and despite (frequent!!) self-doubt, I know what a wonderful thing it is to get some time with the babes.

I don't know that I am qualified to give you any advice at all. All I can say is, find what makes you sane and do that, no matter what. For me when the babes were little, it was as simple as putting on my makeup. No matter what happened during the day, my makeup would go on!! Seems silly but it kept me, me - if that makes sense. Now they are older, it's a clean kitchen. The rest of the house might look like a toystore exploded, but the kitchen is clean. Whatever that looks like for you - exercise, reading, a walk, a bath - try to find a way to make it happen. It make just be your anchor on a bad day

The rest you might have to loosen your grip on a little bit. I know when my second was born, my first decided to stop napping, and all hell broke loose! A lot of going with the flow was called for (not my strong suit!). Now that the kids are older, I create as much structure for myself as I can so I feel grounded.

Doubt that was any help but please, PM me anytime if you need to chat or vent! I can definitely share ideas, and give you a pat on the back It's quite a transition, so be patient with yourself. And enjoy every cuddle as best you can!! It's not easy, but it really is a rare opportunity, and filled with so much joy amidst the struggles.

Daria

Congratulations on your new baby! Where in the US are moving to (if you don't mind me asking)?
Not sure I can provide any real SAHM advice, since I never stayed home long term. But I do think not working for a year is a great decision - that's the length of maternity leave in Canada actually.
As for having a schedule, if your oldest is going to attend a preschool or activities, it's easy to build your day around those.
I'm sure you'll enjoy your time off; even if being home can be boring and isolating at times, I think it's still "easier" (or should I say less crazy) than trying to juggle two kids, commute, full-time job, house, errands etc!
PM me if you want to chat - as I said I'm not a SAHM but my kids are two years apart as well.

Beth Ann

Veteran

Such exciting news! Congrats on the new baby and the new move!

Remember all those wardrobe capsules on the forum? Well they help me dress well for changing seasons and lifestyles. In a sense, I suppose I live my life in capsules, too. Right now, I'm also preparing a move and will be looking for new work. My first task, like yours, will be to connect us to our new community, since my husband won't have so much as a day off of his work in the transition. I suppose that makes me the "family concierge" for the moment.

My personality type is allergic to daily schedules (I'm a musician, after all), but I do love a good project, and I approach things much like a project manager would. I switch things up when the next chapter of life (or project) comes along. Parenting young kids definitely means adjusting a schedule to their changing developmental needs. I kind of enjoy that, since I'm easily bored and like learning new routines.

Gail

Veteran

I was a SAHM. I think that you will be super busy for quite a while just with the move and getting settled in a new place. As Daria said you will be able to structure your day around perhaps preschool and naps for the baby. I found that what kept me sane was getting up before the kids, having a shower and getting myself ready for the day. If I failed to do this I felt discombobulated ALL day !
I tried to get meals somewhat prepared in the morning while the baby had an early nap. My 3 kids were beasts and needy by about 5 pm and I found that I got very frazzled if I was also trying to prepare food !
Grocery shopping I tried to do at night or at the weekend when I could go alone but if that wasn't possible I would try to take them when they were not tired and not do a huge shop. Having said that my husband was away for long periods when my kids were little and I just managed.
Hopefully you will make friends who have children and you can have company and trade off play dates.
I tried to leave 15-30 mins free during nap time i.e. no chores , and read a book . It was really very rejuvenating. Oh I almost forgot , house cleaning standards were lowered lol. I did eventually get a cleaning lady twice a month when the kids were a little older but wished I had done it when they were younger as I really needed her more then.It definitely felt like a luxury!
I found that if I planned I was less stressed and able to enjoy life more.
Good Luck

Ledonna N.

Veteran

In have not one bit of advise but to just say welcome back to the states and best wishes on your journey.

kellygirl

Veteran

Congratulations, Scarlet! Both on the new baby and the move. How exciting! It's been ages since my kids were little but one thing to look into is a local mother's group. I found that support network invaluable. We would meet at parks or take turns hosting play groups. It's a great way to meet other moms--especially before the kids start preschool and making their own friends (whose parents will then become your friends.) Great to see you back here!

Aziraphale

Veteran

First of all, congratulations on your new baby boy! Secondly, long time no see -- it's great to "see" you again. Thirdly, gosh, working full time, toddler, and pregnancy? No wonder you were maxed out.

I was a SAHM for 10 years, and I'm probably going to give you a different perspective than most of the women here with SAHM experience -- because unlike many women, I did not grow gracefully into the role. It was great for about four years, and I enjoyed the experience and the change of pace, and then...it got worse. Motherhood is a gift, but it can also be a trap. (Although it doesn't HAVE to be). If I'd had any way of knowing how frustrating the next five years were going to be, I'd have arranged things differently...but sadly, crystal balls are hard come by.

I bet your year off will be a welcome change and it should be busy but fun. As far as how to structure your day, that will depend on your attitude to naps (that is, do you prefer to have your kids nap at home, on a schedule) and whether or not you have your older one in any activities (play group, preschool, etc). You may find that joining a "mom's group" is a good idea, if there is one in your area. One thing I would suggest, though, is to not take too many years away from work -- especially if you have a career you love. There are steep penalties for a woman who leaves the workforce for too long.

I'm interested to see how you'll find life as a new mother back in the States. I had my first child in California, and I found the American system to be very unsupportive of families (ironically. You'd think they'd be all about the family values, wouldn't you? I think their family ideology is at odds with their desire to not let the state "interfere" with anything, so there are no government subsidies for daycare or paid maternity leave or anything). Where we lived, almost all the women in my social class worked, and nobody got more than a few weeks off work. Being an expatriate Canadian, I joined a "mom's group", which helped me get to know some local new mothers in my area, but in the end (since so many of them were having a hard time juggling home and work) I mostly hung out with the (non-working) wives of other expatriates that I met through my husband's work.

Aziraphale

Veteran

By the way, just to clarify: are you going to be a SAHM or a "working from home person"? Because if you're actually going to be working from home (i.e. paid work), setting up a schedule might be a good idea.

Echo

Veteran

I was a SAHM for about 12 years, and am still only working part-time. I found that a schedule was my saving grace. I was pretty strict about it, too, so the kids knew what to expect and I knew what to expect. I would have a minimum of one outside activity a week scheduled, even when my children were infants (sometimes read-alongs in book stores, sometimes an open toddler gym time at a local fitness center, sometimes just a trip to the park every week).

But they had set mealtimes (except feeding on demand for infants, and even then I tried to get their meals to fall around the time everyone else's did), set bathtime and storytime and bedtime (even if it took forever to get them to sleep). At first I would rock them to sleep in their room in the dark; then I would get them mostly sleepy and put them in their crib and rub their backs, etc. When my second son was 9 months old, DH wanted to try him sleeping through the night, and I agreed, but only on the condition that he could not cry for more than 10 minutes. He cried (not badly or hysterically) for 8 minutes and never woke us up again in the middle of the night, and I attribute it all to an established schedule.

For myself, I had days scheduled to clean certain parts of the house, and days scheduled to nap when the kids did, and days scheduled to go grocery shopping. It helped the children and me to know what was coming when.

So I am obviously a big fan of schedules, but YMMV, of course. Good luck with your move!

rachylou

Veteran

Congrats! I am a fan of little routines because they get you going. As for schedule... Boy that fills up fast if you ask me between doctor/dentist appts, park visits, chores...

Ginkgo

Veteran

What an exciting move for you! I've nothing to contribute SAHMism, but am happy that you'll have a chance to catch your breath and, of course, have more time for YLF.

Will you be speaking German at home to ensure that your boys are bilingual? Here in the San Francisco Bay Area there is a German school but I realize that's a few years in the future for you.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Scarlet, congratulations!

I have no real advice because so much will depend on particulars I don't know, but I do think the first few months will be plenty busy as you adjust!

I am one for building some structure and routine into my day and did so when our daughter was small and at home. But there's freedom within the structure, if you know what I mean. And I agree with Torontogirl -- find one thing that allows you to feel yourself and keep doing it. Also -- find one activity that you and your kids BOTH truly enjoy and do that regularly.

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

Congrats. It's going to be a fun and welcome change I'm sure.

RoseandJoan

Veteran

I just had to pop by to say a huge congratulations on the new arrival.

My only advise with regards to schedules is to keep one eye on the future, settling into playgroup and eventually school is so much easier when a child is already in the routine of waking early.

Good luck with the transition.

Gaylene

Veteran

I wrote a much longer response but it was erased by a reload, which is probably a good thing. I can sum it up by saying not every woman reacts the same way to being SAHM. Truthfully, I think I was bored much of the time and I was lucky to have a husband who recognized that fact even though I would have vigorously denied it at the time. His willingness to spend time with the kids after work and on weekends to provide me with the opportunity to finish my graduate studies, and volunteer for community boards which were NOT focused on children, in retrospect, was the best thing that could have happened to our family. My sons thought it entirely normal to sit beside me with their books while I was reading mine--a different kind of reading time, to be sure, but it worked. I still laugh when I see their storybooks filled with scribbled notations and highlighted passages.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that you need to know yourself--and set your goals, limits, schedules, or whatever within your own framework. That was the biggest lesson I needed to learn as a SAHM--to go with my own instincts instead of trying to live up to other people's expectations or copy their solutions. If it works for you, your kids, and your husband, then you are on the right track--regardless of what the media, your friends and relatives, or rest of the world tries to tell you.

Isabel

Veteran

Oh my ! I have been off for a few months two and completely missed your second pregnancy. CONGRATULATIONS.

I say, don't worry to much about how things will run. Once you are in it and settled in, you will have plenty of time to put things together. : )

Scarlet

Veteran

Torontogirl, I appreciate what you wrote so much. Picking one thing to make the day a win seems like a good way to start, and also the reassurance that there is only so much you can do against the tide of chaos created by two little boys. I also agree that it is a wonderful opportunity to spend more time with my little ones.

Daria, I’ll be on the east coast. I didn’t realize that Canada had such a generous leave policy. Germany does too (where I currently live). So glad I had my kids here in that respect. Yes, the juggling act of trying to do everything was totally draining. It’s a relief to step off the wheel for awhile.

Beth Ann, sounds like exciting times for you! And it sounds like a similar situation. My husband will essentially be working two jobs until the fall. What you wrote really hit home with me. I know I am “allergic” to schedules, but I understand they really help many people stay on track, hence my uncertainty. What you wrote about projects could work for me and also reflects my “work” working style. I don’t plan out my time extensively but consider what needs to get done and how to do that most efficiently. I always think at the core that artists and scientists have a lot in common as creative types.

Gail, you sound very disciplined! But that sounds like very smart strategies. I also think it is great advice to plan in break time. Honestly I need someone to give me “permission” to do that, so thank you. I have also been thinking about getting a cleaner in. It is insane that we didn’t manage to do that while I was working, and then it seems like a real luxury if I am not working, but I think it could go a long way to keeping us sane. Also, of course the reminder from you and others to lower standards is reassuring. It seems like most of the people I know at the moment keep everything immaculate all the time (admittedly mostly without children but also some with) and it’s just not in me to do that.

Thanks, Ledonna

Hi Kelly! Yes I hope it won’t be difficult to meet other moms/kids. My older boy is used to going to daycare and lots of action. Besides that he is a relatively social kid, so I have got to find something for him, not to mention for me. I hope with time I will be able to get on the forum a bit more. It’s funny though, I am a little insecure about parenting customs, since I am conditioned to the German way at the moment. I am sure it will be an adjustment. For example here they tend to leave a lot up to kids, like disputes over toys, whereas I have the impression in the U.S. parents get involved faster. We’ll see. I am afraid of playground faux pas

Hi Elizabeth! Yes, I am very concerned about the difficulty of popping in and out of the workforce, not to mention the lack of support for working families in terms of affordable daycare, school schedules etc. I have no idea how it is all supposed to work out So glad that I had my kids here and was able to take a proper maternity leave and that good daycare was easy to find. I will miss that. I won’t be working from home. I just thought people who work from home might have thoughts about structuring your day in an unstructured environment.

Echo, yeah I think that can be especially helpful for the kids that they know what’s happening when, and then I think it also cuts down on the resistance to e.g., now we are going in for lunch, now we are brushing our teeth, etc. It’s nice to read how you structured your time and what worked for your family.

Rachylou,”little routines” is such a great way of phrasing it.

Ginkgo, we hope to keep up their German skills, although I have heard from other families that eventually the children only respond in English. I’ll have to look into ways to maintain the German.

Suz, thank you! I remember reading you have a quite disciplined schedule for writing. I love hearing about different people’s strategies. What you say makes a lot of sense.

Thanks, Angie!

Jules, so happy to hear from you! Waking up early, ooh! I am pretty sure our first is a born night owl like his father. Sometimes I go to bed first! I am suspecting number two is a morning person.

Gaylene, I am bummed to hear you lost your response because you write such thoughtful, insightful advice. Do you mean your sons made notes in their book like mom did? That is really funny. I appreciate reading about your experience with being at home and figuring out what worked for you. You are so right that I need to shut out the outside influences about how things are supposed to be. Somehow easier said than done, but I need to keep this advice in the forefront of my mind.

Isabel, thank you!

Okay, now boy #1 is up and trying to help me type! Time to go.

Elle

Veteran

I became a SAHM after my second child was born and in retrospect, it reminds me of Dickens "it was the best of times, it was the worst of times" but I would do it again. Every family is different so try not to feel obligated to behave a certain way. For me, having something scheduled of my own that was out of the house really helped. Even in the initial newborn chaos, I took ballet classes (my addiction) and joined a mother's group. Later on, I took one university class at a time and eventually got a graduate degree.

Good luck with this chapter of your life and congratulations on your new baby.

Ornella

(website)

Veteran

Oh Scarlet! I think about you so often. Congratulations on the new baby and on the big decision. Good luck with all the changes. I am so glad you chimed in and I hope to find some time to share my experience from the period of big life transition.

sarah

Veteran

Congratulations, Scarlet, that is wonderful news about the baby and about moving back home. I don't have any advice having never been a SAHM, but you've gotten lots of great suggestions here, and just the fact that your'e approaching it so thoughtfully tells me you'll make it work well for you.

Thirkellgirl

Veteran

I was always a SAHM (and sometimes a WAHM, too) and I think that we had more of a "routine" than a "schedule." I had to work hard to carve out time for myself, and one way I did it was to be fiercely protective of naptimes (or "lay down and be quiet for 45 minutes" times). They almost always went outside to play after lunch, no matter what the weather. I used to a Bible study at my church on Wednesday mornings, and every other Monday was playgroup, and Friday mornings usually were our library day... but you will find out what works for you in your community.

Scarlet

Veteran

Like so many people here say it is important to find an activity out of the house that is FOR ME, yet I know I will find it hard to claim the time for myself, silly as it sounds. Thanks for the reminder. I will push myself to find this.

Thanks, Elle, sometimes I am thinking I wonder if I could work in, if not a degree at least some education in a new direction for me to gain some different skills.

Ornella, I have been thinking of you for two reasons. One I feel I am moving away without having met you, which seems a shame, two, because you recently went through similar big life changes with such aplomb. I am always happy to hear more about it although I understand how busy you must be.

Sarah, that is so sweet.

Thirkellgirl, thanks, I find it really helpful to hear what worked for you. My mom said something similar about nap time and rues the day I learned how to crawl out of my crib. Sometimes it is already such a struggle with my two year old, even when he is dog tired. We have got to cement it into our routine like iron! I like the concept of no bad weather, but then I will have to be tough myself too