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Big Changes

Jenn

(website)

Veteran

I've mentioned a couple of times around the forum that I might have a potential move, with a climate change coming up. It seems that change is coming to fruition and, next summer, I'll be moving to Los Angeles.

The only thing is, my husband is moving much sooner. The job offer was too good to pass up, but our son is an incoming high school senior, and we made the decision not to move him for this final year before college. That means I'll be in Colorado with kiddo, and hubby will be in LA. I expect lots of flying back and forth, and some flexibility for him to spend longer stints working from home, but the reality is living apart for 8-9 months.

Have any of you done this? We started out in a long-distance relationship, and did this same thing for a shorter period with our last two moves, so I know we can make it work, but I feel like it's going to be hard to live in transition for so long. Any tips? (And I will be asking for wardrobe tips later, in the main forum. It's a whole new ballgame there!)

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41 replies

Latest reply was from Jenn

Sara L.

Veteran

Oh, that's too bad that you'll be separated although I understand your reasoning. I don't have direct experience but I have a very good friend whose husband is an air force pilot who is frequently stationed in other parts of the world for months at a time (one time a year). They fly back and forth as often as possible and talk/skype almost every day. It's not ideal, but it's doable. I think having an end date is key - you know it's temporary.

Jenn

(website)

Veteran

Oh Sara, I didn't even think about how military families do this, but of course, you're right, and it's ever so much harder when your spouse may be putting his/her life in danger. Not much hazard in the life of a software exec, and I'm thankful for that. Hubby grew up in a military family, whereas I grew up with divorced parents, so we had very different experiences with separation.

viva

Veteran

About 2 years ago, two different college friends starting workweek commuting: one leaving her husband at home for the workweek, and one leaving his wife. (Such is the reality of the job search in your 50s; you take the good jobs no matter where they are.) The woman did it successfully for a year before getting a job closer to home, and the man is still commuting from Vermont to DC. What seemed to work for both in this situation is keeping as much routine as possible in place and staying busy. It's not that you're denying the life change, but you're not dwelling on it. And, of course, making the most of time together - not feeling like you have to celebrate every reunion with big events, but just fully welcoming each other into the lives you're living apart. This all feels like something you know already .... I guess I am saying it's definitely doable and may be easier than you think. Best of luck, Jenn.

Jenn

(website)

Veteran

Thank you for the reassurance that it can work, viva! We are in our mid-40s, but it's true that once you reach a certain point in your career, your options get better, perhaps, but also slimmer. I have no doubt that it will be a busy year with kiddo, between the college search/application process and All The Senior Things, and my business is, quite happily, portable, so that's covered, at least.

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

Wooohooo. I LOVE LA. And you’ll have instant Fabber friends there. Congrats to hubs.

Yes. Have done the long distance thing a few times. Am doing it now! It’s hard for all sorts of reasons but you will all be in LA together soon - there is light at the end of the tunnel. You will be VERY busy. But it’s good busy. Exciting.

Jenn

(website)

Veteran

Thanks for chiming in, Angie! I hoped you would, as I knew you were doing something similar.

I'm much more excited than I thought I would be about moving to California. We're ready for a new adventure...and Kev has promised regular trips into the mountains so I can get my dose of snow and cold.

And thanks for the congrats for him...he's very good at what he does! This is a bit of dream job with a big entertainment company, and I'm so proud

rachylou

Veteran

Oh, how exciting! I also think LA is fantastic.

So my dad was not an American... anyways, there is an old family friend. A doctor. His wife left the ol’ home country to come to the states for TWO years, to get her nursing degree. At a time when you DIDN’T just call whenever you felt like it. I always wondered about that. I had to ask... they were planners. That was their key. They thought big, looked to the future and got down to building it, together. They thought long term about everything. A year or two is short when the plans are big.

And at 40+, a year also goes by a lot more quickly than it once did, have to say

JAileen

Veteran

We did this early in our marriage, before our son was born. I think it was for six months or so. It was about 100 miles so we drove back and forth every weekend.

Your situation is more complicated, of course. I’m glad you’re staying for your son’s senior year. You might want think about what airline/miles would be most useful for you/your son’s future travel.

anchie

Veteran

How exciting!
We did something like this about 13 years ago, but I was the one who got the offer for a dream job, and moved here, while my husband stayed behind with our son to finish school year. It was very difficult for me, my son was only 7 at the time. But I kept my self busy with organizing our new life here, found and furnished apartment, found school for my son, started learning German etc. Then when school year finished my son joined me, while my husband stayed behind for few more months to finish his job, pack up our old life and sell our home. It was hard but worth it at the end. And time went by so quickly, I was very busy being a single mom, all alone in foreign country.

Anonymous

How exciting for the whole family. Nice that you will absorb the inconvenience for sake of son finishing school- I think that is such a smart move. I think the time will go extremely fast as senior year is filled with huge “to do lists”: you will be so busy with senior son’s life, you will just have to keep DH in loop so he doesn’t miss some important milestone moments. You will also be busy doing preliminary packing and other activities to prepare for final move when school is over. Buy a notebook for “to do list “ and ability to add and cross off- having it in one place is a necessity and will keep you from losing mind or having things fall through cracks.
I imagine it will be a stressful time for all and at times lonely. Keep eye on the future and try to prove the old adage of “ absence makes the heart grow fonder “
Best of luck and I am happy for you.

Jenn

(website)

Veteran

rachylou, you're so right...both about keeping an eye on the goal, and about a year being much quicker when you're 40 than when you're 20. The new job will be in Burbank, rather than LA proper, and we'll want to keep the commute as short as possible. Will this make me a true valley girl?

JAileen, good point about the airline miles! We are lucky that the new company seems to use the airline as the old one did for their business travel, and we have a mileage card from that same airline, which does direct flights between the two areas. LA -> Denver is also a pretty easy flight. That part is covered!

anchie, your situation sounds so much more difficult! I'd imagine a 7-year-old would have a much harder time of it than a 17-year-old with one foot out the door...and harder for mom and dad too! I'm very pleased that the new company is also going to make some of the logistics of moving easier for us. They have resources for the real estate parts, and will cover the whole move, including packing and unpacking. I'm kind of looking forward to having nine months to declutter!

Jenn

(website)

Veteran

efbgen, you know, it never crossed our minds to make kiddo move. We moved once when he was six, and again when he was around ten, and he handled them both really well, but moving right before senior year just seems unthinkable. You are right that it will be a very busy time, and (in case no one could glean this from my wardrobe posts) I'm a planner, so, in a lot of ways, I'm glad to have the extra months to organize the move.

Kate

Veteran

While it can be stressful, it can also be exciting. My husband and I have lived in different cities twice—me in DC & him in NYC both times—and it worked out just fine. He took the train home on weekends and I would come up other weekends to visit. DH had a interesting series of apartments in New York City.

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

Jenn, we won't be moving to Salt Lake City, so we're maintaining two homes - but Seattle is a our main home. That in itself has been fun because I love to organize, decorate, and experience living in new places. It's what you make of the fun adventure, and I know you'll make the most of YOUR next fun adventure. Goog job, Kevin.

It's going to be fun altering your wardrobe too! I FINALLY have more of a hot Summer, and Summer will be your main climate too.

Jenn

(website)

Veteran

Kate, my husband is currently shopping for studio apartments for the transition. I'm sure it will be interesting!

Angie, we had a whole multiple residences plan initially, that involved staying with the current company and working from its different offices. As it stands, the new job will have quite a bit less travel, probably just to New England once or twice a year.

I suspect I will struggle with the summer-dominant part of the relocation--autumn and winter are my favorite seasons--but I will make it work!

bj1111

Veteran

Congrats to hubs on a dream job and to your soon-to-be-launched son. So much good advice. Separation sucks but it makes you appreciate the other person more.

Rituals and routine are great for establishing connection. Even though I'm in the same house as hubs, we have a leaving and arriving ritual. I travel so much for work these days that it's a luxury to return to that ritual.

I'm confident that this will be a short and interesting blip in your relationship and there will be so many things to do --prepping your house for sale, getting your son through the application process, establishing any legal things to port your business across states, shopping for a new climate. Anticipating much fun for you and hubs as you rediscover being alone with each other and getting to know a new city. To get you started, Melrose Ave in LA and Abbot Kinney in Venice are great shopping districts.

Anonymous

This all sounds incredibly exciting! Bring on the hot weather!
I don’t have advise to give but wish you the best.

Runcarla

Veteran

Congratulations on your next big adventure, Jenn! You will be fine, from the sounds of things. DH and I have been apart due to career demands a couple of times. The last time was four years ago for his 'dream job' which resulted in our eventual relocation. He started work March 1 and I joined him 4 months later. We tried to hook up every 4 weeks. I visited him twice - for a week each time - exploring the community and house hunting while he was at work, and he 'came home' for a long holiday weekend. We both did miss each other, and there were added expenses, and some stress - as is common with any big move. But, in the long run, things couldn't have worked out better. I'm sure you will manage the separation and find that the time will fly by.

Kate

Veteran

Jenn, my husband and I spent more time apart in the first 25 years of our marriage than we did together, with work schedules and traveling, and we made it work. And it worked well. The time when we were together was great fun. It was almost like 25 years of dating! Our next big adventure is DH starting his own company. There's only one rule: He can't run it out of the house!!

rachylou

Veteran

Oh ho! Burbank! Burbank is a fascinating place - as are all the Tribes of LA. But Burbank *is* special. I can easily see you there. You will have to look beyond the surface... and then come back and have another look at the surface. First thing to know is that Burbank is where the Conspiracy Book Store was... would lose my brother in there for HOURS, lol

Thistle

Veteran

I have never done this, so I have little to offer in practical advice.

I would think facetime/skype every night. Also, you will be very busy with getting everything ready for the move, so that will help.

And, hopefully, there will be lots of visits.

Congrats to you and hubs!

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

Jenn, this is a better option than the multiple residences, I bet. But you can travel to the snow to your hearts content. Tahoe! Where in CA are you thinking of living? Any pets? Will you be empty nesters?

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Jenn, I just saw this. I have not read the replies yet so forgive me if I overlap with others.

I have done this for two years. With a young child -- age 5 to 7. Kid and I were both in school in BC and Mr. Suz was teaching back in our home province of Ontario. Technically, we were only 5 months fully apart, because Mr. Suz got all his teaching load in one semester and stayed the other semester with us. But he also had to travel to see his older children at various times, so in effect the separations were longer.

This was a decade ago. We didn't even have texting ability then on our antiquated phones, and we never Skyped. (Hard to imagine now!) We did talk on the phone a couple of times a week and made a lot of use of email.

The first year was okay. It was hard on our kid but he and I managed. The second year it felt really old, really fast.

Some of my tips are probably more relevant to those with little kids, but for what it is worth:

Routines are your friend. Saturday mornings we cleaned house and did groceries. Saturday evening I cooked something that would make leftovers.

Sunday mornings I made a big pot of soup or stew. Sunday afternoons we usually went swimming or hiking.

I had an arrangement with a friend who was a single mom. Every week, we had supper together on Wednesday night with our kids. One week I would cook, the next week she'd cook. It as a great way to get adult time and keep the kids happy. (Not such a big deal for you at this stage.)

Plan some alone times for you with DH and your kid with DH when he is there.

It's going to be exciting to be in a new place and congrats to DH on the job!

Diana

Veteran

Oh, wow, congratulations to your husband! LA is a fun place, and I think you'll like living there. I grew up in Thousand Oaks, and a lot of people actually commute from there (and Simi Valley/Moorpark, which are actually closer) to Burbank. It might be too long a commute for you, although there's a way to bypass most of the valley traffic, which is nice, but Southern Ventura County is a great place to live.

It sounds like you'll be super busy during the next few months, so I think you'll probably find the time apart will just fly by. I haven't really don't anything similar (since I don't have a kid) but my husband and I did date long distance for MANY years, including a couple of years where we did not live in the same country. There are good parts and bad parts, as with anything, but you make do.

PS - if you can, fly into Burbank airport. It's tiny but a thousand times better and faster than LAX.

Jenn

(website)

Veteran

rachylou, LOL. "I could easily see you in Burbank...they have a conspiracy bookstore." I'm not sure how I should take that.

Angie, Kev will be working at an entertainment studio complex in Burbank, and we are tired of him having a long commute (it's more than an hour each way now), so we'll want to live as close to the office as possible. I don't know the area at all, really, so I'm glad to have several months to explore neighborhoods. We have two cats, and yes, we'll be empty nesters, though I think there's a good chance kiddo might want to come back during/after college, especially since his aspirations are in the film industry.

Thank you all for tips and strategies and stories of doing this in your lives. I especially appreciate the reminder to establish routines and rituals, Suz and bj1111. I don't want to wish away this last year of our son being at home, but I also know it's going to be difficult, missing a member of the family.

Sal

Veteran

I saw this yesterday on my phone and have come back to add in my congratulations now!! Well done to Kevin on the new and exciting job.

I don't have any particular advice - Jon used to travel a lot for work but currently it is infrequent. My son is 16 and in Feb enters his last year of high school so at a similar stage - a stage where their own priorities are to the forefront and being digital natives they full embrace texts, messaging, skype etc as a form of communication so he may "communicate" more with Dad than he does currently LOL!! And at least with your job long weekends in LA are possible - or during school breaks - so it is very workable.

I am sure you will make it work for you all:)

Greyscale

Veteran

I've also done the long-distance thing for years, but with no kids in the picture, which changes it! The first time was 4 years in our mid-20s. That was easy - we were young and independent. Then for three years in our mid-30s, he moved back East and I stayed here. It was hard for various reasons specific to our circumstances, but some of what helped us might be useful for you too.

-Lots of phone calls - we should have used facetime! Seeing each other's faces would have helped the conversation flow more normally.

-Online chat throughout the day - having a sense of each others' day-to-day lives was nice. That worked since we both spent much of our days at a computer.

-Simplify, and spend money to solve problems if it's possible. He'd done all the cooking for years, and I was suffering from really serious depression when he moved away, so it was hard to get into a routine for food. I ended up getting a lot of pre-cooked meals from Whole Foods or equivalent so that I'd keep eating the same healthy diet as before. I'm sure you've thought of this, but if your kid is up to the task, you could share more of the chores with him (or perhaps he's already doing great on that front).

-When I visited him in his new city, we used that as a chance to explore all the things he didn't get around to on his own. That said, for myself, I really valued the time I spent just nesting. (I visited for a whole month once and happened to have a badly sprained ankle, so I stayed in and decorated his whole apartment and enjoyed normal home life.)

Also, a California suggestion: take the time to figure out where you want to live. Figure out your comfort with various commute distances and your physical comfort in different micro-climates. In a way having 9 months to sort that out will be a blessing.

btw, since your kid is applying to colleges - California has arcane rules for establishing residency for in-state tuition, if he's looking at any CA state schools. Look into all the rules.

Anonymous

Greyscale makes a good point that if your son wants to attend a California college you may want to move him sooner so residency can be established. As a mother of 2 adult boys, the hardest thing was having them come home from college. They become used to being very independent and not saying when they will be home, especially for meals, or who they may be bringing with them if they are home. Lay down some rules right away. Having them live at home after college would be really tough on everyone. Think about friends (female and male) sort of moving in because he wants them there. Divide chores and expenses. Set a time limit for their stay. You and DH will have also become used to having your own routine and privacy.
LA may be more expensive than you realize, especially housing. On the other hand some things are cheaper. You can pretty much wear the same wardrobe year-round.
Take your time to decide where to live, even if it means renting while you look. There are microclimates. The closer you are to the ocean, the less need of airconditioning. Inland climate is hotter, actually more like desert.
Good luck with the move. As Angie said, a sense of adventure helps.

anne

Veteran

Jenn, congratulations to your husband. Lots of wise advice here. I haven't really been in the same situation and some of my related experience was so different technologically to now.- e.g., Dad worked away for stretches in the 80s and 90s and used to fax us long and written letters. When DH and I were going out, and he worked overseas for 5 months in the late 90s international phone calls were so expensive we restricted them to once a month so we could have a long one (because I wanted long ones as it took me a while to get to know him every call) and emails I'd send once a week from my parents house. Eventually I joined him

However working FIFO (Fly in Fly out) is quite common here in Western Australia and I know many people who have done it - they maybe away for as long as a month from their families (and then they get some time off work home). It CAN be quite stressful and you would be right to work on patterns on keeping your relationship going. (though for many it's an improvement, particularly if the job replaced one where they had long commutes)

I think it really important to include DH when you get home as it is easy to fall into pattern of just you and your kid. It's also important to both share the same page on discipline (though I don't know if that's much of an issue when you have a child of your son's age - mine are still a bit younger) so you don't get "fun parent /strict parent" etc.

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