I have what I like to think of as an Amazonian Queen figure with a little extra. That is to say, I'm 5'7-5'8 in flats, thick muscular calves, and broad shoulders with a full hourglass and a D cup bra. I also have a little bit of tummy pudge and huge thighs that require me to wear size 14-16. My arms between my shoulders and elbows are flappy underneath yet muscular up top. Despite the nickname I've given my body after watching the body writing episode of Top Model (the one where they write a nice name for the cruel jokes against them in school. I used to weigh 230 pounds in high school and kids called me Ogre.) I hate my body!!!! I try so hard to change, I used to be a size 10 after high school, then I went through some difficult times and stress ate my way up around 200 again. Sometimes I'll look in the mirror and see the effort, the running, the hiking, the food choices, paying off. But then I'll look again and see no change. This is also what's stopped me from posting a picture of myself on here yet. I don't have the nerve.

Another matter is my clothes. Because of my weird proportions, if I'm not extensively careful my body looks like a man in drag's or like I'm double my actual size. Or, if I bare my arms, it looks like I'm wearing shapewear when I'm not and risk my family making fun of me. I love fashion and I try to stick to what looks good on me and what speaks to me as the strong person I feel roaring inside, under all the doubt, trying to hack and slash her way through it. But sometimes I'll still see my body, and hate it. And hate myself for hating it.