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Awkward wedding coming up, need style and hair advice

seattleattic

Hello everyone: My stepson is getting married Sept. 1 and it will be an awkward situation for me, so I need a major boost of confidence. Awkward because 1) stepson's mother has hated me for 20 years and of course will be there; 2) my not-quite-ex-husband will be there with his girlfriend; 3) the girlfriend used to be a friend of mine.

My stepson and I adore each other and it would break his heart (and mine) if I avoided the wedding due to my discomfort. So...I will go to the ceremony and skip the reception.

I am 42, so I'm not sure what would be appropriate for an end-of-summer wedding in a church. I am recovering from an ankle injury, so can't wear heels. I have big, thick, curly hair that falls just below the shoulders (can I do a sort of soft updo?) Can I do a "soft" cat eye for makeup? I want to go somewhere to have my hair and makeup done, but have no idea where to begin.

I'm so nervous about this event and although usually I'm confident, I am a complete mess, so I need my outfit to give me a bit of strength.

Thanks for listening and for your ideas!

Deb

Dressing

19 replies

Latest reply was from rachylou

Scarlet

Veteran

You need a great summer dress and fancy flats! Hair would depend a lot on how hot it will be, but I like long curly hair down. I would try to look fabulous but not like I am trying to, so I wouldn't do makeup too differently from what I usually do.

Caro in Oz

Veteran

I think it's wonderful that you are thinking of your stepson!!!! Are you anywhere near Angie? I'd be spending my money on her services if I were you.

Lyn D.

Veteran

Exactly as Caro suggested! This is just the occasion to call in a professional stylist if it is within your budget?
For the hair, I would look at one of the many web-sites with 'up-does for curly hair', gather some ideas and have a practice session with a trusted hair stylist.
I agree that you absolutely need to feel 'AB-FAB' at this wedding, so wishing you the very best of luck!

Ornella

(website)

Veteran

If you can't take caro's advice, then I hope you can post some outfit ideas here and we can start narrowing things down for you. You can always wear sunglasses or look away or crop the head off if you are worried about privacy

I think with the time ticking you need to act really fast, which you probably don't need reminding about... but the bottom line is - this forum can do wonders.

Definitely summer dress, probably close in style to what you normally wear just much dressier (so you don't feel uncomfortable in unfamiliar style) and pretty, comfortable sandals.

Deborah

Veteran

Firstly can I encourage you that you don't make the mistake of trying to be someone you are not and trust your inner confidence. And you are lovely making the effort for you step son despite the challenges you are confronted with.

A lovely summer dress, dressier than regular day wear would be lovely with flat shoes. For a special event I like to look like myself, just with a bit of extra polish.

Maybe some of the Seattle girls can chime in with recommendations to have your hair and make up done.

Anonymous

Oh my lord. I want to say you are a really caring person to put yourself thru this extremely uncomfortable situation. Ahhhh.... (Hugs).

If I were you I would wear something I already own. The reason being is that when I'm in highly stressful situations, I like to dress in something I already know works, so I don't have to fret with new combos. If you rather buy something, I would stay clear of anything that you need to adjust over, like a strapless, plunging neckline or too form fitting dress. You don't want to look like you are "nervously fretting over clothes", heck no. As far as what to wear, I think a summer dress in a pretty color along with flat pointy toe shoes or cute sandals, plus a topper would be incredible. I love a cat eye, so I'm a big fat yes on that. You can make it subtle. I love the soft curl suggestions for hair.

You are an amazing person for doing this.

Anonymous

Oh my goodness, how awkward. What a wonderful stepmom you are!

I agree with Zap's suggestions, and please do post some photos so we can help.

Big, big hugs!

Suz

(website)

Veteran

You have a big heart!! Good for you for doing this. I agree wholeheartedly with what Zap has said. And we are here to help! Take pics and we will offer suggestions!

christieanne

Veteran

This is a big event and such a nerve wracking one for you. But also a chance for you to break out and be proud of yourself for supporting your stepson. You can do it!

For the shoes, if it's possible to find a sparkly and slightly dressed up flat sandal that would be my choice for flats instead of a more traditional "day" shoe. Not sure what your foot injury permits however.

Separates or a dress and if you don't have a favorite ready to go then maybe an appointment with personal shopper at large dept store might be in order? They can pull items in advance and bring things to you. Usually no charge for the service.

Hair and makeup - a soft updo sounds wonderful. I used yelp to find a new salon last year and you can go in for a consultation in advance. It's harder to find a makeup artist but you could get some time at a counter in a store and have someone show you a simple but dramatic eye look that you could recreate.
When I am not confident in my eye technique I will keep it simple there and go for a bolder lipcolor instead.
There are great makeup sites on the web and youtube videos.

Post some possible outfits here too of course and the ladies will help you I think you can show these people what true class is.

April

Veteran

SA -- also check out Nina Garcia's Look Book: What to Wear for Every Occasion.

She literally covers *every* occasion, including things like the situation you're describing.

Best of luck! It seems like you'll carry this off with grace.

Anonymous

Hmmm...this sort of drama calls for a killer look to make them drop dead!
(Ok, not literally.)

Definitely get your hair and makeup professionally done. A soft up-do sounds lovely and I think a soft (don't go overboard!) smoky eye for a fall day would be perfect! What you wear really depends on the venue, outdoors or in? If you know the colors of the wedding you could pick a dress that coordinates. If you don't necessarily want to match the colors you could try something in bronze (very fall!) but only if it's a good color for you. Once you pick your dress you can find flat strappy sandals, something with jewels!

shiny

Veteran

I just wanted to say that it gets easier with time. It's been 14 years for the ex and I; I know what it is like. Somewhere along the line the ex and I found our way to civility again. These family functions aren't difficult or awkward anymore. You'll get there someday too.

And, the ex-wife who hated you for 20 years will probably now side with you, as it sounds like you two now have something in common! So you could be pleasantly surprised to find you are welcome and they are the ones feeling awkward and getting the cold stares.

Just keep your head high, and take the high road....

JulieJohn

Veteran

Seattleattic, thanks for sharing your dilemma. I think your idea of looking good will make the event much more fun for you.

I love a knee- or midi-length dress with some flare to the skirt when paired with flats. It has a 50s vibe that is so chic!

celia

Veteran

Apart the complicated situation with the exes and almost exes I think it is so good that you have a great relationship with your stepson.It will be a very special day for the two of you.

As some of the other said I would go for a killer look but that doesn't make you a totally different person if that makes sense.
It is dificult to say what kind of dress to wear without knowing your style but i would say to wear a dress that either covers your shoulders or you can wear some kind of shrugh or jacket on top of it for church.

Depending the neckline of the dress I would choose the way to put my hair up. I would also take in consideration why do I want to have my hair done professionally. Personally the last wedding I went to I did and updo because I wanted my fine hair to be nice and tidy all day long without having to worry about it.Also do you like you hair when it falls in a certain way around your face?

Make -up done professionally is always a good idea and you can talk to the person doing it in advance to see what would work better with your eyeshape , the color of your dress, etc.

celia

Veteran

As I said I have no idea of what kind of style you would like but just wanted to give you some starting point.You can tell if any of this speaks to you, if it's too fancy for the crowd, etc.

http://shop.nordstrom.com/S/ta.....ltback=808
http://shop.nordstrom.com/S/xs.....tback=1048
http://shop.nordstrom.com/S/ve.....tback=4284

cjh

(website)

Veteran

I don't want to sound like a broken record (for those of you old enough to even know what that means), but a summer dress that you would wear for any church or "ritual" social event (baptism, anniversary reception) is what you should try.

Celia's links are nice, but the last two seem rather fancy. When I looked at them, I thought you might want to steer clear of anything that might say I am the mother of the groom. So thinking in that light, a little less dressy (meaning party-dressy), and a little more "staid" might be in order. Mind, I didn't say go stodgy, frumpy, sloppy, casual or like you don't care... just be an appropriate guest.

seattleattic

Wow, thanks ladies! I have thought about this a lot and have taken some things into account that you mentioned. Unfortunately, I don't have a nice enough dress for this wedding (turns out it will be in a church), so I am looking at a dress at Nordstrom. http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/vi.....sultback=0

At first I was afraid of the black, but the eyelet holes are big and it's tan underneath. I thought that pairing it with a colorful belt instead of using the black one, would be nice.

As for shoes, I was looking on the Nordstrom site for some sandals and couldn't find anything I liked. Would flats look OK here? Like maybe some metallic?

I inquired at Gene Juarez where I get my hair cut and they charge $150 for an updo! I agree that a soft updo would be nice. When my hair is down, it gets into my face and I'm always pushing it out. I wish I could do my hair myself, but I'm not very good.

Finally, when I went into Nordstrom, the saleswoman suggested I get my makeup done at the Chanel counter because the girl there does makeup professionally (outside of Nordstrom). I don't want anything crazy, just eyes (cat eye?) and a soft color on my lips. Any thoughts on this?

This thing has been so stressful and you are all correct, that if I wear something I don't have to yank and pull, I'll be more comfortable. I don't feel like I'm doing a nice thing, however, because I'm REALLY not looking forward to this. My nerves are bonkers!

Thank you!

P.S. Yes, I will post photos.

JR

Veteran

I think the dress is a winner, assuming it fits you well. You could wear ballet flats with it quite easily, it seems to me, perhaps in a bright colour or a metallic. I would offset the black with either white or something colourful, coordinated with the shoes if you go the colour route. (Not matching. A floral print that contains the same colour as the shoes is more what I was thinking.) A simple shrug or large rectangular scarf would do the trick nicely.

rachylou

Veteran

I like the dress. Pretty, stylish, but also subdued. (I'm one of those people who'd be fine if all the guests wear black to a wedding, because I think it's nice to give the bride and groom the spotlight.)

Here is something to try for the nerves: Make them wait. There's a nano second or two between the thought of something loathsome, catching sight of some miserable sod, the sting of the insult, etc. - and the arrival of your own judgements and reactions, thoughts and actions (although they'll definitely be rising). If you catch it, it's a very interesting space to be in. You can tell thoughts are coming on, and what they are, but not actually be thinking them quite yet. Even more interesting, you can tell what feelings are rising and not quite be feeling them yet. The bitter first wife could spit on you and you'd be, "Huh, I think I'll eat a cracker". And who knows? Maybe you'll escape the loop and go eat a cracker. Maybe she will. It is, after all, boring to go on about something for 20 years.