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Are you vain?

Aziraphale

Veteran

Laura's recent question, "Do you think of yourself as beautiful?" got me thinking about vanity. I answered the question as best I could -- I'm not exactly beautiful, but I'm happy with the way I look. Some days I feel very pretty indeed, and others, not so much. I'm not sure if this makes me vain. Surely there must be a happy medium between feeling insecure about your looks, and so overly confident that you're vain?

General

27 replies

Latest reply was from RoseandJoan

JennyK (NC)

I think of vanity as being excessively concerned with one's looks. If that is a correct definition, I'd have to admit that I am indeed vain. :-/

That doesn't mean I always like the way I look and in fact I waver between over-confidence and extreme self-consciousness. Some days I am beautiful and some days I am horrifying. That's how I see myself.

JennyK

Maya

Veteran

I am unapologetically vain.

RandomThoughts (Andrea)

Veteran

I don't think of vain as being over confident in your looks. I think of it as being obsessed and overly concerned with your looks or alternately enamored with yourself which I do not see as confidence.

IMO, confident people can say, "Yes, I'm beautiful" and then they move on with their day. They are happy and comfortable with themselves. A vain person would constantly be looking at themselves, talking about themselves and otherwise be setting themselves above other people. I would actually tend to think that vanity may be a sign of under-confidence .

Maybe my profession affects my perspective. Socially dominant or so-called "alpha" dogs just walk into a room and all the other dogs know s/he is "it". They are not overbearing, pushy, aggressive or bullies. The dogs that have to show the others how tough they are are usually lacking in confidence (they "need" to do it first) or are bullies that have learned that behavior because it's enjoyable for them (I can pin you down and give you noogies and it's FUN).

In the words of Johnny Rotten, when you're that bad you don't need to talk about it. I would tend to imagine a vain person is, under it all, worried about their looks despite appearances.

ETA - and yes, I would say that I tend to be vain. I worry about my appearance.

taylor

Veteran

I am concerned and put effort into my looks everyday. So I guess I am vain...even if I am not happy with my outcome, I still put in the effort....some days are just better...gotta take the bad with the good I guess:)

rae

(website)

Veteran

I probably am vain. As said above, I worry about my appearance a lot. I fuss with my outfits days in advance, I check my reflection throughout the day to make sure I haven't hit myself with food or popped a button... my looks are pretty much always on my mind. :T

Diana

Veteran

Yes, I am vain by most peoples' standards. I do think about my appearance a lot, maybe more than a lot of people I know. I do things like check out my reflection in store windows as I walk by (and have actually been called out on it by a friend - oops!). I don't mind being considered vain, although I DO mind when people equate it with being shallow.

lyn*

(website)

Veteran

LOL; if checking out your reflection in everything that reflects because you think you look damn good means you're vain... then I'm vain!

Queen Mum

Veteran

you tell me...

my husband and I ran a 10K this morning. He promptly loaded the pictures on FB. I refused to let him tag me in any pictures where my hair was wonky.

I'd say that is vanity at it's finest

Janet

(website)

Veteran

Yep, I admit it. I don't think it's excessive, but I am concerned with my appearance. Otherwise I wouldn't be here.

Marley

Veteran

Probably.

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

I am vain but not precious - as my hubby says.

Jenava

(website)

Veteran

Love that Angie. (-:

I would say yes, and it's taken me a bit of self-love to get that way...

Kate

Veteran

The definition I'm using for vain is "Having or showing an excessively high opinion of one's appearance, abilities, or worth." So it's closer to being conceited than being concerned with how you look. I am confident, but I don't think that I have an excessively high opinion of myself.

cute/funny story: Many years ago, when my younger sister was in elementary school and was frustrated that I was taking too long in the bathroom, she exclaimed, "you think you're so vain, don't you?!?!" My uproarious laughter was not the response she was hoping for.

MsMary

Veteran

LOL, that's an awesome story, Kate!

I'd say I'm more narcissistic (tending to be excessively concerned about my appearance) than vain (having an excessively high opinion of my appearance).

Marley

Veteran

I can hear Carly singing it right now!

lyn*

(website)

Veteran

Medically, narcissistic personalities have three main characteristics:
1) Need for admiration
2) Inflated self-importance
3) Little regard for the emotion of others

Defense mechanisms include:
Projection

It is a Cluster B personality trait (Axis 2).

All of the YLF ladies are much too generous and giving to be in this group

Aunty

Veteran

I think so. I feel better when I know I look nice. If that is vain count me in!!

Heather

Veteran

"......you probably think this song is about you......"

Cilleena

Veteran

Yep. I'm definitely vain. I have been for as long as I can remember. Maybe not every.single.day. Aren't most women a little vain? Society places so much importance on physical appearance that it would seem that it's difficult NOT to be vain.

thimblelina

(website)

Veteran

I think Cileena has it nailed... to be woman is to be trained and inculcated in being at least a little vain from just about day 1! If anything, I would say I haven't been vain enough since my mid-twenties or so. I washed up, newly married, at a Pitt graduate program and I really wanted to bury any whiff of SoCa beach bimbo at the graduate seminars in which I participated. The women I encountered there seemed so "other" at the time -- east coast and midwest intellectual types, some from old money, not really that into hair or nails or fashion beyond fabulously expensive practical shoes and a lot of black wardrobe basics. I felt kind of trashy and outre. Then fast forward a few more years and I fell into that very common abyss of maternal antivanity: "Don't look at me --- look at my little one!" I don't know about any of you, but in those days I would slap on any old sloppy get-up to head out to baby group, whilst my oldest daughter was always perfectly turned out in BabyGap's finest seasonal coordinates. Finally, I fell into gardening, working on job sites where plants outnumbered people, compost was the accessory of the day, and just about everyone else present was going to pee thru their fly on break. Once again, I put my head down and just tried to blend in...

So I think vanity is sort of like a tossed coin, it has both "heads" and "tails" components. Heads or good vanity means you reap undeniable benefits when you invest some time in looking well groomed, well put together, maximizing your most attractive features. Tails or bad vanity is when you become paralyzed and even ritualistic in your routines: no one can see you without makeup, you would rather swelter on the sidelines than wear a bathing suit in public, a small thing like eating an ice cream = a certain number of minutes on the elliptical, or you are perpetually only one plastic surgical procedure away from "true" happiness.

Oh, and Queen Mum and I suffer from one same small vanity: I too am a ruthless editor of unflattering photos.

Great query, great thread... L

lynne

Veteran

Absolutely. I've mostly given up any guilt about it because I have other qualities as well.

Aziraphale

Veteran

Haha, you guys are all so funny! I thoroughly enjoyed reading all your posts. So I guess the upshot is, if you're not paralyzed by vanity, then it's all good. I try not to check my reflection in shop windows (although the temptation is there!) because nothing good comes of focusing too much on your looks, but it's nice to know that a lot of other women have a bit of "healthy" vanity too.

rosee

Veteran

I really like how lyn* brought the DSM-IV into the conversation. Is there a medical definition of vain too?

Very interesting comments above. Kate touched on the dictionary definition of vain (which pretty much matches my Webster's one I was going to quote). I don't think many above who have called themselves "vain" are actually so by definition. Though all humans have the potential to be vain at times.

Am I concerned about my appearance? In a word, yes. But as thimblelina noted there is a heads /tails quality to it. Sometimes I look good and I am comfortable and I don't really think about it further. Other times I look good and I still fuss about it (and look at my shoes and adjust my clothes, play with earrings, etc.). Other times I should care what I look like but don't really. Other times I fuss over the fact that I don't like what I look like that day. I can be vain on both "good" and "bad" days, and I can be unconcerned about it on either days too.

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

Elisabeth, just want to tell you that I think you are fab. Nice thread

Aziraphale

Veteran

Thanks, Angie.

Kari

Veteran

hbaber, I was singing the exact same song in my head while reading this thread. Haha.

Overly concerned/conscious/sometimes insecure about my own personal appearance = yes.
Totally confident about my appearance = heck no. Well, maybe once in a while.

RoseandJoan

Veteran

I don't have a deep answer but as I have just spent the last 30 minutes trying to get a new profile picture which does not make me look like Yoda the answer has to be yes!