Amber: I haven't read the book but here are my thoughts on the large vs small group dilemma:
--the larger the group the less likelihood of meaningful connections and conversations (as a generalization of course). As an introvert I am bad at both initiating and responding to small talk. I do much better when conversations are meaningful.
--In a large group you're likely to have a mix of introverts and extroverts and the outgoing extroverts tend to dominate the conversation. As a shy introvert, I often feel as if I can't get a word in edgewise. But I DO have things to say so I just feel inadequate when it seems like nobody is listening to me.
--take the energy required as an introvert to interact with ONE person and multiply it by lots of people. It's exhausting! And you burn out faster too.

I'm an ISTJ. Suz hit it on the head perfectly. I love people, particularly small groups of MY people, but I absolutely need recharge time. A weekend filled with social events, no matter how enjoyable, is as stressful as it is fun for me! I live with two extroverts, which can get interesting sometimes. But I no longer apologize for being an introvert. It's a personality orientation and a way of processing information, that's all. I spent my high school/college years trying to force myself to be more extroverted and I am so happy I don't have to do that anymore!

I often think my introverted tendencies tend to show up in what I wear. I just cannot handle a lot of stimuli without my brain shutting down.

I second, third, fourth the recommendation for Quiet by Susan Cain. Fascinating read.

Yeah. I don't even have to take the test. Just put me in a room with someone trained to administer it, and they'll have me before I even finish writing my name. I'm an ENFP. Married to an INTJ. We're Desi and Lucy.

Truly, though, people can mistake me for a strong extrovert, because I'm somewhat dramatic, but they'd be wrong. I don't really "charge" in the presence of people. I gain new insight and ideas when I'm with them, and then I take them back to my little den to play with them (which makes me sound a little like Gollum, lol). I need processing time -- creative alone time, and I prefer small groups to large. I think there are a whole lot of creative types like me.

I've been exploring the enneagram categories recently. Very interesting.

Introvert here. Diana's first post was spot on for me!

I am also a big fan of the book 'Quiet'. The book was really eye opening in the sense of societies norms and helped me be confident in excepting my introvertness. My oldest (5 yo) is very introverted. She loves having a friend over but after about 1.5 hours will go do a quiet alone task. Her poor extroverted friends get VERY frustrated at this. Her more introverted friends will usually start their own single play. After 20-30 minutes the introverts will start playing together gain. The extrovert usually doesn't make it and gets whisked away by mom before a melt down ensues. It is interesting watching her navigate large parties, she is drawn in but if she doesn't find one or two finds to focus play with she ends up clinging to me. Shear chaos does her in but to a lot of her friends seem to crave it. It is like looking in a mirror for me and really explains my own reactions to different situations. I prefer one on one or small groups, need down time, and have a 'social cap' I have to mentally put on to do small talk, especially with strangers. I prefer email to a phone conversation for work.

ambergreen, I think Diana was spot on about the "large" vs. "small" group thing. For me, a "large" group is any group where there is a chance of conversation breaking into two or more strands. So...four or more, really.

Funny....I am an urban girl, like Angie. I love cities, don't mind crowds in that sense and don't mind a bit of noise (although I also relax in nature and love solitary time in nature.) It's crowds of people I have to interact with that I find stressful.

And yes, DIane -- I get that sensation of needing time after a social event to process it before I can decide whether I had fun. My husband, after twenty years, still finds this difficult to understand. We'll come home and he'll ask if I had a good time, and I won't be able to answer him honestly. "JUST SAY IT!!!" he says to me. So I say, "Ask me tomorrow!"

INFJ's (my type) are really rare, they say. Only about 1% of the population. No wonder he doesn't get it!

INTJ checking in here. I do wonder if DD changed from being an introvert to an extrovert as she grew up; I'll have to ask her how she recharges.

I recently attended a women's retreat where the default was to share rooms. Just before I signed up, I had the epiphany that if I shared with certain individuals, I would be completely depleted by their energy and my efforts to be polite and nice to them. I asked to share with (any) mellow introvert. My assigned roommate was great! I was fine until I was unexpectedly asked to facilitate a large meeting since the person who was scheduled to do so had car trouble. Yikes!!! I NEVER ever do stuff like that. People LOOK at me? (I'm also shy.) I was pleased that so many people shared at the meeting, and I got the feedback later that my calm and quiet demeanor made space for them. I really like the expression, "Step up [introverts], and step back [extroverts]."

I love that expression, too, Donna.

As a teacher, I learned that pair-share exchanges are good at the start of a year because they do not frighten the introverts as much as group work or large class discussion (to Mo's point) and everyone gets to participate even if she doesn't share in a larger group. Plus, having shared with one person, some will gain the courage to share with a larger group. Or their partner (if extraverted) will do the sharing.

I'm smack in the middle too - borderline introvert/extrovert. I think the recharge thing is a better way to think of it than shyness. I also think, on the introvert side, introverts need time to warm up to an environment, etc.; to get oriented. That's not necessarily the same thing as shyness.

My Lilypup is very introverted. I didn't know dogs could be introverted. I find that so odd.

I identify a lot with what Suz said. I'm definitely an introvert. I also understand what Diane G means about being stressed in those situations. I need processing time after events. Diana's comment about not being able to get a word in edgewise really resonates too. Like Suz I like the idea of crowds of people over but in reality it gets stressful for me and sometimes I'll need to sneak away for a moment and fold laundry or read or something, especially if people are over for an entire week or so.

Another INFJ here. It is funny, I am very good in front of people if I do not know them. If it is a group I know well, I have a very difficult time speaking and I get nervous. If I do not know them, it is like being all by myself. I read somewhere or heard it when we the Myers Briggs people gave the tests at work that INFJ is the rarest of the types. Has anyone else heard this, also?

Yup, I'm an INFJ as well. I've heard it's the rarest personality type I'm not sure how that translates out. I'm amazed how many of us there are on this thread.

Like Diana and Suz said, I have to prepare myself when I know I'm going to be around a large group of people. Looking back, that's probably why I dreaded going to conferences. I'd have to be "on" for several days at time and by end of it, I'd be exhausted.

As a certified MBTI trainer in my distant past (along with a foray into conducting workshops on Riso's Enneagram types), I think that there is a lot of confusion about the concepts of introversion and extraversion as descriptors of human behavior. Introverts can be quite outgoing and social, while extraverts can be quite happy spending quiet time alone with a book or being in an intimate setting with a few friends.

MBTI is really about preferences rather than how a person actually interacts with others and with his/her environment. I used the example of right/left handiness to explain the concept in my workshops. Most of us have a preference for using one hand over the other--our dominant hand--but that doesn't mean we can't perform tasks with our non-dominant hand if we are required to do so--for example, a person whose dominant hand is immobilized in a cast. The catch is, for most us, working in our non-dominant hand requires more concentration and effort, our movements are slower and often more awkward, and the end result may not be as good as if we had been able to use our dominant hand. With effort and practice, though, many people can train themselves to become ambidextrous to the point where a casual observer might not be able to detect any difference. The preference hasn't truly disappeared, but a person isn't as affected by his/her preference as is someone who has only ever worked with his/her dominant hand.

If you think about introversion and extraversion as preferences, rather than labels, it makes sense that many people actually do train themselves to be ambidextrous, especially if they are in jobs or environments where a particular preference is considered to be "better". Generally North American society is geared towards extraversion, so those who have a preference for introversion often choose to be "closet" introverts and learn from an early age to display many of the extravert preferences. In other cultures, or circumstances, an extrovert might learn how to "tone down" his/her preferences to fit into a set of family or job expectations.

And just a couple more points. Strange as it may seem, figuring out a MBTI preference isn't always that easy; it's like trying to figure out one's style preferences--I should know how I want to dress myself, but the more I think about it and explore options, the more confused I get. Many of the statements on tests of extroversion vs. introversion could be truthfully answered "it depends" because most of us have learned to morph and adapt to different circumstances. It can take quite a bit of thought to differentiate between what I can do from what I might actually prefer.

It took me quite a while to realize that I was a "closet" introvert because I felt much more comfortable being an extravert professionally and socially. Most of the descriptors on popular E vs.I tests place me squarely in the extravert end of the continuum, but my true preferences lie at the opposite end. For most of my life, I worked and played "in my other hand" since performance always trumped preference for me--and I've come to realize that I'm not alone in doing that. As I used to tell my workshop participants, though, learning that about myself was much more useful than trying to figure out which label I ought to put on my forehead.

ETA: And just one more thought: My sister is a true MBTI extravert but even she needs time alone to re-charge from her public, demanding job. She lives alone and loves being able to retreat back to her place at the end of a busy day. She also is choosey about her friends; she wouldn't be happy sharing a room with someone she didn't like or know very well. I guess my point is that all of these characteristics that seem to point towards introversion actually are more about an individual's personality, circumstances, and tastes than about extraversion or introversion. As I said, it's complicated.

What a great explanation, Gaylene. Makes perfect sense to me. I also think it can be a good thing to stretch ourselves to work in our "non dominant hand," so to speak. As long as we don't do it to the point of negative stress and as long as we are consciously doing it for growth, it's a good thing. You're right, though, that we are often pressured to behave in specific ways and can completely lose track of our deep preference as a result.

INTP here. I loved your post Gaylene, I can totally stretch and be social and outgoing in my teaching but it is hard work! I feel like I am performing, complete with endorphin rush at the end and feeling fizzy and too hyper. I then always need time alone to recharge.

I found the infant stage with both kids really hard. To have something hanging on me or touching me all the time was so draining. Even now I sometimes unthinkingly deflect the kids when they come over for a hug/clamber all over me. I have to consciously open up and initiate touch, and all those little intimate gestures do not come naturally at all.

Gaylene, when you mention the 'depends' about the questions I remember that was the response in my head as I navigated through. I truly like to be alone and 'hide' but as the oldest child could not do that. When my teachers told my parents how quiet and shy I was they were so surprised so I guess, to my parents I am a closet introvert. I love that term. As a child if you gave me a closet, a flashlight and a book, I was in heaven. Thank you for such a good explanation.

Deb -- I like the term "closet introvert" too -- although I think I was maybe the opposite. My mom used to say that as a child, I was quiet and bookish at home. I would never ask to play with other kids, but was perfectly happy and very social if she invited kids over for me. I still feel that way. I don't tend to initiate social things, but I happily go along for a lot of rides. (It could also be laziness). Also, I remember my mom describing her astonishment when, at the end of the first month or so of preschool, the teacher described me as "kind of aggressive". Turns out I wasn't accustomed to having other children snatch my toys away, and I had been solving the problem by walloping them over the head. So, not shy -- not even as a four-year-old. Clearly introverted does not equal shy.

Gaylene -- thanks for the long explanation. Totally makes sense. It's probably not a bad idea for any of us to venture into territory that doesn't come easily. I don't intend to go back to teaching high school, but I value the experience. Getting up and giving a presentation no longer holds any fear for me, and it's because of those hours and hours of teaching.

Stacey, this comment you made: "I often think my introverted tendencies tend to show up in what I wear. I just cannot handle a lot of stimuli without my brain shutting down" -- I can relate to that. I prefer simplicity and muted colours. Maybe you're onto something.

Gaylene, you make an excellent point about adaptability. Because we live in a world that values qualities often associated with extroversion, many of us true introverts do learn to stretch ourselves, whether it's for job expectations, culture, family, friends, or any number of other circumstances. Like you said, it's important to remember that we're talking about preferences, not capabilities. Even as an introvert, I still crave social time with close friends and families. I also know that when I go to a crowded concert or festival, I can have a good time but get wiped out much faster than my more naturally extroverted loved ones.

Ceit, I can relate to a lot of what you're saying. I know exactly what you mean when you talk about having to put on a show. I always feel like that when I run a training session. I'm told that I'm actually good at it, and I even enjoy it, but it takes me a long time to come down from being "on." I think being a parent of young children can have some extra complications for introverts. Your personal time dwindles down to practically nothing, and that can be very stressful for someone who craves alone time to recharge and be at her best.

Aziraphale, I've probably given way too much thought to how my natural introversion affects how I present myself. ISTJs are known for living inside their heads a little too much.

I have done the M-B test many times over the years (did I change?) and I am always a INFJ. Observation: Introverts do well "socializing" on internet boards. We can make friends from the comfort of our quiet homes. Probably why there are so many here on YLF. Also, introverts are more likely to express themselves with clothing since we don't do as well with our spoken word.

I had the most interesting discussion with a friend after church last week. Coffee hour is perhaps the most stressful time of church. All that socializing and large group dynamics. I had to retreat to the quiet of the foyer. As I stood there regrouping, another person came out. I blurted out...I'm an introvert and need some quiet space. And she said the same thing! So we regrouped together and chatted about the challenges of being introvert within such a social environment. I told her about the challenges of parenting an introvert. Next thing I knew, my son came out to the foyer so he could regroup as well. We also chatted about the challenges of being an introvert married to an extrovert!

ETA - Gaylene, I agree that its about PREFERENCES. I have trained myself to be more extroverted since it does help with my daily life and to fit in with society in general. But its not my preference. And I get worn out quickly

Best meme ever: Introverts UNITE! By yourselves. In your own home!

Chiming in late but WOW! how fascinating--I thought maybe I was crazy but I have to echo what many of you said regarding liking to socialize but needing quiet to recharge. I just (quickly) took the Myers-Briggs test and found that I am an ISTJ (and Ms. Mary we can be judgey together!) Unfortunately, my score was pretty high for that--I need to think on that some. I also want to take time to reread the replies in this thread--I think I can learn a lot from them.

I'm an INFP. Love being around people, but really need my alone time to recharge.

Story time: my son is INTP. My youngest daughter is ENFP. SInce we became empty nesters (yay!) each of them has had a stint living back home with us, in our new place in a remote seaside town (from which we both commute for work).

When DS was staying with us, he would be alone during the weekdays, with no car, for two weeks at a stretch before he craved actual human companionship beyond his parents. (Although when the Internet cut out, that was a different story.) But when DD was at home, and I had a night on call followed by a music lesson, and topped that off with a trying-on-clothes-at-a-sale spree, I got a desperate series of texts "WHERE ARE YOU? I HAVE NOT TALKED TO ANOTHER HUMAN BEING FOR 12 WHOLE HOURS! i AM GOING OUT OF MY MIND!"

Just another thought about MBTI for those interested in the theory. Hands down, the part of the workshop participants found the most valuable was when participants were divided into opposing types and asked to list what they liked and what they found most challenging when dealing with people whose type preference was opposite to theirs. Most introverts were stunned to find the extroverts thought introverts often acted like unfriendly snobs, while the extroverts were chastened to think their friendliness was often seen as rude, loud, and pushy. Intuitives were asked to please stop trying to re-invent everything and to quit jumping from idea to idea, to which they responded by asking sensors to stop being so concerned with picky details and so stuck on routines. Feelers were seen as challenging because they could be so sensitive and easily hurt, while thinkers were told they lacked tact and were too blunt. Perceivers were asked to quit dithering and make up their mind, while judges were seen as being too critical and unwilling to consider other viewpoints.

The real lesson, of course, is that each trait has its sunshine and shadow sides. One of the biggest hurdles most of us have is to value the opposite preference as much as we value our own, and to recognize the difficulties that our preferences pose for others who have to deal with us.

It took me years to not total shut down when somebody raised their voice to.at me. Well, shut down then tear up. In fact, just a few months ago at a dinner party, a friend raised his voice at me because he did not like something I said. I said hardly a word the rest of the evening. He even told me it was ok for me to talk. I know he did not mean anything by it and it is just his way. Later at home I looked back at the discussion And was so surprised by my reaction. I really thought I had my old reactions under control, but I guess I was wrong.

INFJ but moderately so across the board. This doesn't surprise me because I often think I both ends of just about any spectrum.

As a teacher, I know that I'm an introvert. I look at the other teachers around me and, except for a few, see how they are extroverts and we operate sooo differently. I think my introversion, and a little HSP, is the main reason for my recent switch from middle school math teacher (150 kids a day) to a kindergarten teacher (30).

My husband is an extrovert and will sometimes call me antisocial. It's hard for him to understand that while I love people and love to engage in deep conversations and make significant connections - it's all very exhausting! Do introverts need to recharge because they've been with people or because of the WAY they've been with people? The most enjoyable social situations for me are when I can talk to one other person in a meaningful way.

I read Marin's comment with interest. My daughter is 4 years old just finishing JK. I think she might be an introvert and maybe a little shy but I don't want to label her too soon. So I am watching and waiting.

I could also relate to L'Abeille's comment about her two kids. I have a friend who was on maternity leave just after me. When we compared notes on how we spent that year - it was totally different! I called it my mat leave bubble and loved it. She joined all kinds of mom groups and was out and about constantly - clear examples of an introvert and an extrovert.

I think I measure moderately for introversion because I'm a people pleaser. I want people to like me so I become more extroverted to be more pleasurable to others. I think the world sometimes sees introverts as downers. I also have this weird belief that introversion is socially weak. Not that I really think that it is. I think it's so much more interesting to relate socially to the world as an introvert (of course I would, I'm an introvert!) but believe in the age of the Personality as Cain refers to, extroverts seem to get ahead faster in many domains.

Another INFJ here. I've tested consistently as an INFJ for over 10 years, in fact.

I love people and can socialize well if I'm in the right mood, but I need tons and tons of quiet, solitary recharge time. This is the most challenging part of parenting little kids, for me. No alone time.

I haven't taken this test in a long time and I think I have changed a lot. This is really an eye-opener! I am now a ENFJ. I really thrive around people and love to share ideas but I still need down time. I think we all need down time like Gaylene mentioned. As much as I like people there are times, like running a meeting, that feels, like putting on a show, like Ceit says. This has been an very insightful discussion. I am a bit late but glad I read it over.

I've always tested as a Myers Briggs INTJ, although I suspect I've become more of a P as I age. I've also learned how to be more comfortable in social situations, although I think I'll always be an introvert in the sense that I find social situations draining. I was a shy kid, and awkward, and so all of that fed into the introversion. Now I can prioritize better, and set limits, but I still dread certain situations and get really thrown off when things don't go as planned. When I was on antidepressants the way they changed how I dealt with social situations was really interesting. I think at its base they decreased my anxiety level in all sorts of situations - sometimes for good and sometimes for bad. Anxiety exists for a reason, you know!

There are books by psychologist Elaine Aron about what she calls high sensitivity - it's been a while since I read them but it's basically the amount of stimuli that you prefer. You can be a high sensation seeker but still introverted, or highly sensitive irrespective of your introversion or extroversion. A lot of what y'all are talking about is about the overlap of stimuli preferences and intro/extroversion. Lifestyle makes a difference, too - when I worked in an office I wanted mellow nights after work but now I work at home I often want to go out and do something in the evenings. My poor husband gets barraged by my conversation when he first walks in the door!

What an interesting conversation. I feel as if I'm getting to know everyone better. Like others (Mo, Greg, Ambergreen and Ceit) I am an INTP. I tested that way before and again did a quickie test tonight, still INTP. However in the past I was also closer to the "E" preference than I feel I am now. When I took the test with a career counselor 7 years ago, I was coming off a long period of unemployment. The lack of human contact forced me to seek company through friends and activities; it turned me more into an extrovert. Now that I work in an intensely social environment, a restaurant, it is pushing me back to my truer, introvert nature. Like others I need a break from all of the socializing both in front and back of the house, that comes with food service.

Just doing the quickie test tonight I was surprised to see I am becoming more Sensing as I get older. Along the lines of Gaylene's comment, that these are preferences and can be changed, I am finding that my work and environment shape me. My work is about remembering the precise details around me, and taking in cues. Who ate what, does it look like they need a drink refill, a box, etc. All very small details but constantly forcing me to take in specific facts rather than intuiting a bigger picture.

Loving reading this thread. I haven't done any of this testing for such a long time. Does anyone have a link to an online one??? I think I was an extrovert who is now an introvert lol

http://www.16personalities.com

http://www.personalitypathways.com

However, I would not put too much stock in these… I did some more tests on myself (just for fun, LOL) and the results came up wildly different. Each time. For example INFP to ENTJ. So I'm sticking with the original test I took 7 years ago which was INTP.

I'd like to take M-B again, too. It's been quite a while.

Stacey and Ceit really touched on some of my experience so well. I'm an introvert who apparently somehow does a darn good job of "performing" as though I'm not. After all, I've been a radio announcer for how many years? And I surprised myself in college by becoming a decent public speaker. But I am definitely *working* and I have to be *on* to be in public mode, even as an artist, when I have an opening or give a presentation. After five hours of receiving guests at an open studio day, I am wiped out and rarely want to socialize that night.

Actually, I think radio can be well-suited to the introvert. We can talk to a big group of people without being surrounded by them.