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bridgie

Veteran

I have really felt I should not do this post but here I am. It is so insignificant compared to other problems ( even my own ). But if I can get one idea or get it in the right perspective, it would be a big relief.

I made a major move in October this year. As most of you know I am 85+ and live alone, and still independent, but just can't work as fast as I used to and we all know of limitations because of covid. Trying to count number of people I have met since living here and it is probably 5. A nice, outstanding citizen has been especially kind. He is 30 years younger than me, married and a family man.
To get to the point he stopped by today (calling to ask if that was O.K. )
and I was glad to have him stop by as I spend too much time alone as it is and my friends have always included combination of all ages, (I am now the oldest ) down to babies. Of course that has become the past, at least for now. He is very convincing in his own way, and as it stands now, he is going to bring lunch for himself and me tomorrow. I have nothing to contribute, except small bottle of water and yogurt. Now, wait, I have food, people shop for me and I go to a very small specialty store sometimes. The point is, I have food for myself, but currently nothing for entertaining.
Should I go to the specialty store and get a special dessert?
And should I sit us at my kitchen table in a large kitchen or in living room with a small table?
I want to relax and enjoy this but I also don't want to make it appear that I am a sloppy, uncaring person.
RunCarla, thinking of how you present everything. I love and follow your posts on food presentations closely.
Just have to share this: Today, when he came by he commented how nice and tidy my house was. Only to discover that shortly before this day started to unfold that I had been using paper shredder and accidently knocked it over and spilled some and didn't get it all cleaned up (because I knocked it out of reach but not out of sight) and he cleaned it up.)

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25 replies

Latest reply was from Stagiaire Fash

JAileen

Veteran

I think you should be outside, at least. I am younger and do not let anyone in my home due to Covid. It’s very hard to see people now because it’s so chilly outside. But to eat and talk inside isn’t a good idea, imo. If you regularly go to a specialty store, it’s probably okay to go for something as long as you’re in and out quickly.

unfrumped

Veteran

See updated remarks.

unfrumped

Veteran

I agree with JAileen also. I had assumed that you had already decided you would be around certain people and he is one of them.
But if this is just something your friend suggested, and you normally don’t actually spend time with others due to the infection risk, then I wonder, did he sort of forget that it is a risk for you to have indoor guests for a meal? Certainly well-intentioned but not as aware of the differences between the younger persons’ risks vs those 85 ?
Sorry to get in to all that but that is the basic question.

My DH and I have not gone inside his 91 yo father’s home and have only visited briefly either outdoors or distanced in a large room , all wearing masks, for a short time, for the most serious of occasions.

rachylou

Veteran

It seems to me you see him regularly and he comes inside? I *would* say large table, sit at opposite ends, NOT facing each other (so e.g. one person at the head and the other sitting to the side). Keep your masks on except when eating. Get cake.

...BUT it’s also true covid is REALLY spiking right now. LA, for example, is 150% hospital capacity, out of ICU beds, and paramedics are NOT transporting people to hospital. My brother stayed in LA this Xmas and it was probably smart. So another option is to get your friend cake to go and y’all not actually eat together at the same time...

My uncle is also in his 80s. He has been coming over to check his email, but didn’t December. Lilypup the dog sits with him when he does, but I don’t. We chat briefly at a distance with masks on. I made him a takeaway plate for Thanksgiving. Well, I also did him an Xmas plate but he rejected it because it wasn’t stew and then to rub salt in the wound, he sent me a condolence card for rejecting it, essentially double-rejecting it...

...My mom says there’s something wrong with him. I say ‘He’s your brother.’ She says ‘He’s YOUR uncle!’

...I’m only saying, if you decide not to eat together, you can also get him a condolence card, really twist the knife

rachylou

Veteran

Right. Ok. I cannot NOT add, my uncle tells Lilypup she snores! I feel you can be confident you have good manners, bridgie

bridgie

Veteran

JAileen and unfrumped
THANKS to both of you for your very wise comments. I really do try to do everything possible to protect myself and others, and it surely doesn't hurt anything to be reminded. My DS and DDIL do my grocery shopping and drop it off to me but do not stay and visit, and we do distancing. And there has been one occasion around first of December that DS, DDIL and this friend were at my place and we did distancing. There was plenty of room in my living room to do so. And when the friend visited today we certainly did the distancing. And I have decided to use the kitchen table, probably use disposable dishes and plastic wear. There is no doubt in my mind but that he will do clean up so that should be a little easier for him. Unfrumped, as you mentioned in original post, he is a very gracious, caring person and I know he wants to do something to please me. I am not going to even think about getting any dessert or anything. Unfrumped, I do like to always have a plate of fruit or even if only grapes all the time really, if only for myself. But as the world turns, I don't have any grapes or fruit except applesauce. lol. BTW, I always wear plastic gloves when I go to the specialty store I mentioned.

Stagiaire Fash

Veteran

I hope you both enjoyed your meal together. I’m reminded of a friend in his 50s who always has a few friends in their 80s and 90s. He says these relationships are so enriching. I assume your young friend likewise enjoys the time with you. My impression of you is that you would have been caring and attentive, even without a special dessert to offer, such that he knows the visit was appreciated and could perhaps be repeated. If the financial unevenness of him always bringing the meal bothers you, you could always suggest that you place an order for him to pick up, and then prepay.

Anonymous

I hesitated to say this because who you're friends with is your business, and I don't know this man, but there are a lot of scams out there involving senior citizens. You haven't known him that long, and I think more caution is in order. I'd make sure there was someone else around when he comes to visit. If the conversation veers into areas that make you feel uncomfortable, like requests for loans, please listen to your instincts. You just never know these days!

Runcarla

Veteran

Just read this. I’m with Xtabay. My 85 yo mother had a scary experience with a ‘caring individual’ who provided her with company and ran errands. Mom was resistant to counsel from my sister and I, and at one point gave her credit card number to this person in order to have her effect some online purchases. Well you can guess where this story leads! Sis and I were able to prevent any serious troubles, but there were some rough months because though Mom required our intervention, she was angry, and took it out on us.

There are some genuine folks out there, but your story makes the hair on my neck stand on end - Covid risks not withstanding!

Jules

Veteran

Hi bridgie, I agree with not going out for dessert - your friend wants to be helpful and kind and would not want you making a special trip on his account. As for any suspicions about his motives, you clearly have your wits about you, I trust you will use them. Enjoy your lunch. I do believe it's safer overall to be outside, especially when eating, but I don't know if that's possible in your climate.

Laurie

Veteran

This is a sensitive subject and a very difficult time. I argue constantly with my Mom, 82, who is very social and very, very frustrated about Covid related restrictions. She makes her own rules - "It's JUST so-and-so! They don't go ANYWHERE! It's fine to see them" to justify what she wants to do. Fact is, she goes everywhere, on a daily basis! ('Its JUST Macy's!" etc etc) Frankly, she is a bigger risk to me than I am to her, and she is a massive risk to my 90 year old Dad. We have not been together since Nov. 8. Getting through the holidays without family gathering was quite emotional for her.

Covid is airborne, so any time spent close to anyone breathing in the same space, without masks (eating or drinking), is a risk. If you have kept yourself in a safe state for this long, your decision is whether you want to open yourself now to this particular risk.

We're all sick of Zoom, but instead of outright "no" to an invitation, you might suggest that you both eat lunch while chatting, via Zoom.

Style Fan

Veteran

I had the same thoughts as Xtabay and Carla. I have come across these situations in my work and personal life. There are definitely well-meaning people out there, but there are, unfortunately, scams.

Be ultra-careful!!!

Stagiaire Fash

Veteran

Well said, Astrid.

cjh

(website)

Veteran

For all the reasons above, a wise and safe way to reply is with great appreciation of the kind thoughts and a sentence along the lines of, “As it seems the virus is spreading still and maybe even faster, I just don’t feel comfortable with having visitors or social get togethers right now, so I hope I can give you a rain check for later in the year.”

Doing something nice to make an older friend feel cared for in these challenging days can take many, many forms, which don’t have to include meeting in person for lunch in a private home. Call me super skittish, but ... better safe than sorry.

unfrumped

Veteran

bridgie, what kind of got me on alert was that I am not hearing that this young man has discussed risks, and relative risks: benefits, with you, being in a vulnerable group. That seems unusual at this point in the pandemic and for a non- essential visit. Not trying to
minimize the importance of human contact, but putting it in context.

Some families, caregivers or others simply must go into someone’s home to do some essential care and services, or drive someone to the doctor. but may have developed a safety- based routine to reduce risks.
You’re hearing here that cautious people are not having in- person visits with their own dearest family members, if there is some alternative. Lots of phone calls, Zoom or FaceTime, visits on porch, sidewalk, ( in my case with a DD, wearing coats and hats and just for a few minutes.)
So I think it is important that the topic of contagion, risk , procedures is something that all those who might be “ getting together “ are comfortable discussing & respecting.

Anonymous

Agree with the others about avoiding any socializing inside, especially since you wouldn't have masks on to eat. With Covid you're not just around him, but all the people he and his family have been around, etc..
I don't get red flags due to his age per se, since DH and I hang out (outside) with our neighbors- the husband is 80 this month.

bridgie

Veteran

Thanks to everyone who posted. I really appreciate all the different
thoughts you had and put out there.
First off, I will bring you up on the visit, friend arrived at exactly time he said, loaded with bags of food, Italian picked up at a local restaurant. I know it was regular size servings, but to me it was supersized, and I still have about two thirds I couldn't eat. Entre, salad, with two different dressings, bread sticks, cheesecake, and the extra large size lemonade.
For himself, he had smaller entre and breadsticks. I offered to divide mine, but he refused, saying that he had earlier been to THE SPECIALITY STORE I mentioned and had pastries with morning coffee
and was not really very hungry. I knew there was something telling me not to go there and get anything, and as it turned out several. He brought dessert as I should have known, and a good chance I would have gone at same time he was there. So, I spent time fretting I guess. Please forgive me and don't think I am taking this lightly, but what I really wanted to do was make myself a mimosa before he came, and then when he brought the lemonade, I wanted to put some bourbon in it and call it a whisky sour. But I did not. I try to be a proper lady! He was on his lunch break, I did not want to drink something I didn't feel comfortable offering him. But this evening I did have the lemonade with some added bourbon. And I noticed how he managed where we ate and distancing, he took the bags directly to my kitchen table, put my food in place and sat his distanced as far as possible on my large round table.

On the more serious side of this, I worry about scamming also, especially when my mother was living and something did happen I had to intervene. But, believe me, I am hard as nails, and overly suspicious. No way, someone bringing me an oversized lunch could make me sign anything or divulge account info/ nothing period. And while I am still independent and capable of handling my affairs, I don't make any decisions or do anything without telling my two sons and if their opinion is different than mine, I do it their way.
I do want to say that I was introduced to this person by my DS and DDIL and they have been friends with him and his wife for sometime. Of course , that does not alter the fact that I will be alert and careful and
no more sharing a meal in home, and yes, it is too cold to eat outside here!

Jules

Veteran

Sounds like a lovely lunch! Bourbon and lemonade, yum

Bonnie

Veteran

Thanks for the update. It sounds like a lovely lunch. It's hard waiting for this pandemic to be over but so important to be patient and careful.

rachylou

Veteran

Ok! Wow! Sounds like a feast. Good call on the specialty store. I would have gone and messed it all up(!) Also: love the idea of lemonade and bourbon (can’t believe I’ve never tried that... I had a moment where I was enamoured of limeade for something tho...).

Anonymous

I'm glad it all worked out. Take care, and enjoy those tasty leftovers!

Style Fan

Veteran

Thanks for the update! Lemonade and bourdon sound wonderful.

Stagiaire Fash

Veteran

I love whiskey sours and am glad you had a good lunch. I figured you were tough. Maybe next time you can meet for hot coffee and treats from that specialty store. If you want, you can sit outside. Cafes here in Berlin often have throw blankets available for guests when it’s chilly out. Maybe you could take a couple along. A pavilion in the park might offer a little wind protection while still being outdoors enough to be safe.

bridgie

Veteran

Thank you. I love all you "girls" aka Smart Women. And don't you agree that my choice in being a part of YFL tells a lot about how and who I select as friends? This comment is meant in the best way.
After reading my original post, I could see how it set off alarms, and I repeat that I do appreciate every comment and concern you expressed.
I know all too well how elderly women can be flattered and charmed and tricked. Not by actual experience but being aware. And I hate to think what would happen if somebody started that BS with me. LOL.
However, I do love and get compliments on how I dress or wear.

Jules and Bonnie, It was a lovely lunch. Good stimulating conversation.
Rachylou, I always look forward to your interesting take on any given subject. But, yea, while it would not have been earth shattering, to see him at the store, I'm glad that was eliminated! I think lemonade with bourbon originated in the South. Southern Bells loved sipping lemonade and the bolder ones would add bourbon to it when they thought no one was looking. It is refreshing.
etabay, oh I am enjoying the leftovers. And to add to my collection, my DS and DDIL stopped by yesterday evening with, a carton of her great home made barbecue, a bun , chips. Dropped it off and left.
Style Fan. Thanks, It was a good day! I hope you and DH are enduring the mess we are in. I know the two of you usually travelled a lot in the winter.
Fashiontern, you are a riot. I think you and I have one trait very much in common, that we can size up people pretty accurately. Now, maybe if I was your age, I would have wrapped in a blanket to sit outside, but now I wrap in a blanket to sit in the house. And if you knew the park in this town if I went over there and sat in it in this cold weather ----well, I am cracking up laughing out loud here by myself. But if you remember I had lived in Jacksonville, Fla and then North Carolina and had become acclimated to warmer weather. I do enjoy hearing what you are doing and hearing about your son.

Stagiaire Fash

Veteran

I did not recall that you had lived in Jacksonville! We were in Tampa long enough that my son considers himself a Florida boy. We argue over which climate makes more of an effort to kill you—Florida summer or German winter. Maybe the coffee meetup idea will work for you later this spring. I was just trying to come up with something to counter all the negativity. My young man has a new girlfriend. They try to spend time outside together (because they cannot hang out at her house) but then they get too cold and wind up in our tiny little apartment where we trip over each other. Anyways, he agrees with you about outdoor dates in the cold!