Am I right here? Etiquette question. - YouLookFab Forum

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Am I right here? Etiquette question.

Liz A.

Veteran

So tonight my bf and I went to a BBQ hosted by a couple friends of mine/ours. Everyone was asked to bring a contribution which is standard among my group of friends, so we brought corn on the cob, which we grilled and served Mexican style. It went over well, but there were about 3 or 4 pieces left over, so my friend put them in the fridge.

When we went to leave, my boyfriend grabbed the leftover pieces out of the fridge to take back home with us. I was aghast and tried to play it off by saying, oh, I thought B and J might like to eat those tomorrow, so that he would put them back. My friend even said yes, we would definitely eat those, but my bf continued to take them home.

I am so embarrassed. Is this considered rude, or am I overreacting? He is not a rude person, but I'm thinking he needs to be educated in this situation??

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27 replies

Latest reply was from shedev

lyn*

(website)

Veteran

Knowing my male friends, I'd just make a joke of it with the other friends there - "Oh, I guess they must have been really good, Mike is sneaking them home!"

I would be embarressed as well, and probably would give him a good shin kick and be like, "If you wanted corn so bad we could have picked some up on the way home." :p But I am pretty rude to my male friends and sometimes they deserve a good shin kick.

I wouldn't hold it to heart though, once I make my viewpoint heard, I usually let things go.

I guess your corn must have been very tasty!

Suz

(website)

Veteran

My husband has done the same thing! And I, too, was embarrassed.

It happened in our early days together. After a few such experiences, I sat him down and simply told him my understanding of the etiquette in these situations was that you leave what you bring with the host unless explicitly urged not to. (Sometimes people want to unload leftovers for a variety of reasons, and they will let you know).

I think he still disagrees with me about the etiquette. He simply wasn't taught that way. But he defers to me on this.

Irene

Veteran

I wouldn't say it's rude, but it does read as a bit 'mean' (as in stingy). I am a bit stingy myself though -not in this specific situation, but in similar ones-. It's partly cultural/educational and partly related to your personality.

It's really not 'wrong' either. It was his food after all, so it's not like he is stealing something. He just claimed back what was his. Might look weird to others, or socially incorrect, but it still makes somehow sense.

Just tell him it made you feel a tad uncomfortable and maybe he will stop doing it for you -but I wouldn't expect him to understand your reasoning.

Vildy

Veteran

I think I would leave him alone to practice his misunderstanding of the situation. You don't have to make his behavior part of you. I guess you
could fear that they would think that it reflects on your judgment, picking a partner who doesn't know the rules but, hey, there may be many secret talents he owns that now they can only wonder about.

cheryle (Dianthus)

(website)

Veteran

I would not have taken food home with me either. I'm not sure if I would say it was rude but it was definitely not good form. If you take something to someone's home, it is a gift - in this case a contribution to the dinner. It is no longer yours after you gift it. I would probably not mention it again until we were going to a similar event and then would make it clear before we went that we were coming home empty handed and why.

anne

Veteran

Yeah, it isn't very rude but as dianthus said "not good form". I wouldn't do it. I think the exception might be if you had something in a container and you wanted to take the container home and it hadn't been washed.

As someone who is more often in the position of host, where others have brought something though - I wouldn't think it rude if someone did what he did. I often to try to get people to take things home, especially say drinks that haven't been opened or say they have brought a big packet of biscuits and we put some of them out on a plate - I would keep those still left on a plate but suggest they take the rest of the packet home. I don't do this because I dislike leftovers - on the contrary my family stretches our food budget with quite a bit and don't mind the repetition - but sort of a repayment back of someone who has been particularly generous with their contribution.

Janet

(website)

Veteran

I would agree that it's not rude per se but perhaps a little awkward. Whenever I host something, I usually encourage people to take leftovers, even though I LOVE leftovers since I don't particularly like to cook. But if someone took home the remainders of something they brought, I would not be upset. Perhaps a little bemused but not bothered.

I love my husband dearly but he has done more awkward things than that. I nearly smacked him when he commented on how little one of our stepsons' female friends (a very petite and thin girl) must weigh. He didn't mean anything by it, and in fact, I understand how this could come from him in particular because he is very, very tall and people remark and speculate to him about his body all the time (what's the weather like up there? How do you find clothes to fit?). I told him later that under no circumstances ever should he feel compelled to comment on the weight of a woman!

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

I'd be totally embarrassed as well, Liz. Unless the host asks you to take back the food you brought, I personally think it's etiquette to leave leftovers at the hosts house. I brought three appetizers to a baby shower yesterday and left all the leftovers there.

That said, we don't know what we don't know. And BF just didn't know this was your etiquette policy too. Now he does! Chin up and onto the next potluck!

ironkurtin

Veteran

If the food isn't in a container, I assume me bringing it = a gift. You don't take back gifts.

If the food IS in a container, I always ask. Some people don't like a giant container hogging up room, and getting it back can be a bit of a dance. Also there's always offering to put some in their own tupperware, if they really liked the food, or if there's no way you yourself can eat it!

However, it cannot be overstated that boys are different. These niceties are often beyond them. If you can phrase it so that he knows he made you feel uncomfortable because you're worried you both look cheap or ungenerous, as opposed to, he is a rude cretin, you may get a bit further with him.

Liz A.

Veteran

Thank you so much for the insight, ladies. It's good to know that it's not exactly rude but is in poor form. Unfortunately, I have noticed him doing something similar on at least one other occasion so it did need to be discussed. Also unfortunately, I don't think I took the right tack in my attempt to discuss it, so he got very defensive and we had a bit of a fight. I will have to use some of your suggestions for softer approaches in the future.

@suz and Janet, it's nice to hear that my significant other isn't the only one who sometimes lacks in the couth department!

@anne and ironkurtin, ITA with the distinction when you bring something in a container. That would be a different story.

Anonymous

Late to this but I always assume that what I am bringing (not in a container) is for the host. If they say to take it home then I will do so happily, but only if told to.

Anonymous

Sorry to be so blunt but yes, you are supposed to leave that behind. You guys need to get a few code words for" hey dude you are screwing it up". God knows I need to give my guy a heads up from time to time... A couple weeks ago, my sis came to visit with the kids and she needed diapers. My guy offered to buy them and he * almost* took money from my sis. Ack, thank the lord he got the hint.

Hil

(website)

Veteran

Interesting conversation... I know when we have a braai or some such, I will gladly send home some of the leftover food as it is invariably too much for us. And I wouldn't be offended if one of my guests took some of the stuff with them either.

I have wondered a similar thing - but regarding booze... if we go somewhere where we have to bring our own drinks, DH often takes back his unopened bottles of beer - I have wondered if that is a little odd?

Liz A.

Veteran

Hil, my BF is guilty of that one too. I think it falls under the same category as food and should not be taken back unless the host specifically says so... not that my friends would ever willingly give up free alcohol

lyn*

(website)

Veteran

LOL, from the general consensus, maybe girls think it's rude/weird/abnormal, but guys all seem to universally think this is fine ... or are relying on us to stop them!

MsMary

Veteran

Maybe in the future you can have a conversation about it in advance: "Dear, I'm thinking if there are leftovers we can leave them for our hosts. Is that cool with you?"

I actually think with a BYOB party it's more okay to take back what you didn't drink, unless the custom in your social group is otherwise. Don't ask me why, but I think that. LOL (And not that I actually do that, now that I think of it.)

Diana

Veteran

Personally, I think it's rude unless the host has told you to take leftovers home. But I wouldn't be too put out if I was the host and someone did it.

J had a dinner party one time where he did not ask anyone to bring anything; however, as is polite, several people brought gifts of a bottle of wine. Now there was one bottle that didn't get drunk, and the guy who brought it took it back. J was pretty weirded out by this because in this case (not a potluck) the wine is clearly a host/ess gift, right?

MsMary

Veteran

That's definitely weird!

Liz A.

Veteran

I can't seem to put exactly into words how I feel about this. If we take food back, I somehow feel like we didn't contribute our fair share. Logically, I know that everyone's food item does not cost the same amount in the first place, but that's just how it comes across to me!

Diana and MaryK, I agree that the situations you describe are different. If I go to a large house party with plenty of drinks and we bring something specifically because we know we like it and want to drink it, I wouldn't mind taking it back so much. I would NEVER take back a bottle I brought to a dinner party. I would fight BF tooth and nail over that one.

rachylou

Veteran

Interesting question. Did I ever mention I was raised Edwardian? So... haven't read all posts, but I know Diana is correct...

If the event is considered something of a potluck, you take your stuff home because it's a lot for the host to deal with. Also, all contributions are considered equal (whether or not they actually are); everyone is something of a host.

If someone is feeding you and you take a hostess gift that happens to be something like a cake or bottle of wine, you leave the leftovers. Your host shared their gift with you, but they could have equally validly stashed it away for later (of course, that would make more sense with wine than cake, but it's the same difference).

However, in this situation, you had something else go on - you offered the leftover corn to your host in front of your bf and she accepted. At this point the matter of whether or not this affair was a potluck or not drops by the way side. You have made a promise, and a man is to honour his woman's promises.

BUT this is really very technical and a lot to comprehend in the space of getting some corn out of the fridge. The purpose of etiquette, a lady's sole task, is to put everyone at ease. So in the final analysis, this is one of those situations where a guest drinks the finger bowl water and the lady then should drink hers also.

If you want him to leave the food the next time, tell him ahead of time you guys need to bring a gift - a gift, not a contribution.

rachylou

Veteran

p.s. In the case of something like Angie's baby shower, a company of women, you'd leave the food you brought, because you were helping out the hostess. But by the same token, the hostess should sort out take-home plates and someone else should be stepping up to clean the hostess' house out of rotting food.

p.p.s. The same is true at a potluck. That is, the hostess should initiate the wrapping up of people's food to take back.

p.p.p.s. If you've got help (servants), all food is left with the hostess and then given to the help. That's for you Edwardian peeps out there ;>

catgirl

Veteran

Where I live it's customary to offer to bring something AND to accept the offer. Like "Sure, could you make your fabulous walnut-pear salad?" Then the hostess is responsible for doling out plates of leftovers to take home, or telling the bringer to take back the remainder of their contribution. Otherwise, it implicitly belongs to the hostess.

I agree with Rachylou completely that once the corn was accepted by the hostess, all other bets are off!

But all potluck contributions are equal. Someone has to bring the condiments, and without them, all would be lost, even if they did not need to be made by hand.

velvetychocolate

Veteran

You're right

I think this was a faux pas.

At the same time though, I agree with others in that your BF probably just doesn't realize about things like this. To make it easy for your BF in the future:

Never take anything back that you have brought to someone's home, no matter how casual or "pot luck" the gathering is. If the host/hostess insists on parceling out leftovers for people to take home, then that's a little bit different, but personally, I'd still decline.

Hang in there, you're not wrong, but again - it's likely that your BF just doesn't realize about these things. Next time, just be sure he knows it's not a great idea to gather up leftovers post-gathering at someone else's home.

Isabel

Veteran

Not only would I be mortified, I have been mortified. My husband has done this.

I explained to my husband that it is like a hostess gift, you don't take it back at the end of the night. LOL

Different people and families have different ways of handling things.

texstyle

(website)

Veteran

It's not a huge deal - but everyone does things differently of course. I would never want to take food home after it has been setting out at a group event, but I'm picky that way. Most people I know sort of expect you to take home what you brought unless you ask them if they'd like to keep the rest. Of course these are usually pretty big food events so they probably wouldn't want to keep ALL that food.

One time some friends of ours were invited to our lake house for an overnight visit with their kids. We agreed they would bring pizza and we would also make a pizza and we could share them with each other. This was done via e-mail so it was even in writing. They showed up late and "tired" because they had stayed out late the night before. They also showed up without pizza. We all had one pizza to share and a fruit salad that she made sure she told everyone she really brought "for the kids". We were both mad and shocked but kept our mouths shut for the sake of the next day.

These were friends we had known a very long time so the next week I looked back at our emails to verify, then mentioned it to her and asked what the deal was? She simply shrugged it off and said "I thought you said YOU were going to have the pizza."

So, you just never know I guess. In the case above, it was the beginning of the end of the friendship. Not that your example was anything near that - I just thought I'd share a REALLY bad case of food etiquette.

Helps to vent sometimes.

Archer

Veteran

This conversation is brilliant. rachylou can you please start a weekly thread on EE and any other of your areas of expertise. The potluck concept is new to me. Liz: maybe he is just a true Hunter/gatherer. Agree with Vildy.

shedev

Veteran

Hedev wanted me to let you know that he knows it's proper etiquette to leave the leftovers with the host.