Am I being petty? - YouLookFab Forum

I have a friend I worked with about 20 years ago and we were pretty close at the time. We both left the job, but stayed well in touch for a long time. Then she made several moves and we fell out of touch...life changes and all that.

When she moved back to my town we got back in touch, but along the lines of lunch a few times a year, not close like we had been. When we meet it's like old times, but in between we go our separate ways.

Last meet up was June, and we planned to set a time for August. I've been in touch with a few suggestions but she has said she's swamped...and I know why, that much is not an excuse, she really is.

But meanwhile, she has posted several sets of pictures on FB of things she is doing with friends...parties and kids and things. FB always makes me feel very middle school! Do I:

a) realize those pictures are weekend and family time, which is different from
weekday, lunch hours? I should be okay with that.
b) realize I am low priority and she can make time for closer friends? Which hurts a bit but makes sense and I should be okay with that also.
c) decide I'm being given the brush off and let it drop?

After failing twice to find a meet up time that worked, I told her to just let me know when things settled down. I'm inclined to just not contact her again if she doesn't contact me first.

Is that petty? If you made it this far, thanks for reading, dear Abby's!

12 years ago

ramya

Veteran

Peri,
Why does it matter what she posts on FB? For all you know she might be posting pics in which she looks good. You donot know what she is thinking when she posts . And it's my personal philosophy not to try and analyze others action.

If I like her company, I would try and contact her once more.If she is unable to make it. Just drop it off. Like I always say so and so is not the person who defines my existence

Eliza

Here's my take, for what is it worth.

I can understand how this situation is exasperating to you. That said, it need not be a petty choice to let things lie for awhile and see if she gets back in touch. Facebook may reveal some aspects of our lives, but rarely the most complex ones. I have had very dear friends recede for a bit due to outside factors and have had to do the same on occasion myself.

In a month or two, you will see if she gets back in touch. If she doesn't, you can decide then if you want to circle back to check in or let it drop.
Only you know what makes sense in the context of pursuing this friendship.

Best with this.

ironkurtin

I am quite sure she isn't meaning to hurt your feelings or send you any kind of message. Just let it go, and if you're fated to reconnect, you will.

rachylou

Well, it's a decision a person has to make from time to time, whether or not to keep a feeling of caring alive for a close personal acquaintance. So I would say it's not petty.

I vote for all three of the above.

Peri

Thanks for the advice, ladies. I will take it and just wait for a few months, then try once more if she hasn't before then. I think the truth is that she has other priorities. It shouldn't hurt my feelings that I am no longer one, because I have other priorities too. I can't help feeling a little brushed off, but I shouldn't, so I will just let it go.

(website)

I can say that I have had 2 friends recently in my area that did not connect with me. One lives in San Diego, the other Reno, so not too far but I'll be back in FL soon and then it will be very far. One drove by my job and saw my BF on the deck! I don't take it personally - we all have things going on.
As for Facebook, I'd rather look at it as sharing fun times with others and leave it at that. We can't know intent behind another's post, can we?

Glory

I don't think this is petty at all. You certainly don't want to be in a position where you feel like the only interested person.
I would do exactly as you said - wait a couple of months until kids are back in school etc. Then suggest a time and place and see if she is interested.

texstyle

This happens to all of us at some point I imagine. If I don't find that I'm connecting with friends (even long term friends) for a period, I figure it's probably time to take a break and just check in once in a while with a nice note to just say "Hi" and let them know you were thinking of them, and maybe a bit about what's going on with you, but not suggest a get together. This gives them room to reply without feeling guilty for turning you down if they are truly just too busy and time to consider if they want to get back in touch. I think it also keeps you on the positive side in terms of friendship.

It seems like when we get older it is often harder to keep up with friends from our younger times (in our 20's and 30's). I think having kids, changing careers and the stress of planning for our financial futures all play into it but so does health and other issues we may not even know about.

Suz

Not petty. Sensitive. And sensitivity is a gift!

I think your intuition is telling you something. I would listen. But I'd add an additional caution: Even if she is choosing other commitments and prioritizing other friendships right now, that does not necessarily reflect on her feelings about you.

I have several old (former work) friends I'd love to see more of...but it is awfully difficult to get together now that we work in different fields. So I see them less than I would like. Sometimes that's my decision and sometimes theirs. I still adore their company when I can get it.

I have many newer friends and acquaintances that I'd love to know better. But again -- it can be very difficult to figure out when and how.

The other thing is -- a photo on FB makes it look like a person has been living it up and doing nothing but socializing. But that social event could have been the only one for weeks. (It usually is, in my case. And YLF is my FB -- I almost never go on FB these days. So some people think I don't even exist any more. Ha!)

donnat

I love what Sue said, I think those are real words of wisdom.

Thanks again everyone! It is all good advice.

I like the re-wording of petty into something more flattering! It is true that I do have pretty well developed intuition...very sensitive to people's body language and expression.

The thing about FB wasn't really about that...just wondering if it was the classic breakup line/story "I'm not ready to be serious right now" and 6 months later the person is engaged. I'm not ready to be serious usually really means I'm not ready to be serious with you.

I was getting the feeling that my friend, rather than saying she didn't have time, was really saying she didn't have time for me. In which case, I needed to take a hint and drop it. Like Glory said, I don't want to be trying to maintain a relationship that isn't wanted or valued.

I have stopped worrying about it now and I will take the wise advice given here. A mild check in a few months from now, and otherwise let it go.

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