Always go to the funeral - YouLookFab Forum

This is an old article but it resurfaced some months ago and struck a chord with me. I am not sure if it is impactful to the same degree for others. For me and my story - My youngest daughter was born with a serious health issue which put her in hospital for her first 6 months. She was gravely ill. Many of our closest friends dropped out of sight. Too tough to deal. I spent loads of time being upset and angry about it. It was so hurtful. And, those people are still absent now, some 11 years later. So I try now to remind myself to always do something, say something - some small gesture.

Here is how the author explains it.
""Always go to the funeral” means that I have to do the right thing when I really, really don’t feel like it. I have to remind myself of it when I could make some small gesture, but I don’t really have to and I definitely don’t want to. I’m talking about those things that represent only inconvenience to me, but the world to the other guy. You know, the painfully under-attended birthday party. The hospital visit during happy hour. The Shiva call for one of my ex’s uncles. In my humdrum life, the daily battle hasn’t been good versus evil. It’s hardly so epic. Most days, my real battle is doing good versus doing nothing."

http://thisibelieve.org/essay/8/

12 years ago

Anonymous

Thank you for reminding us of this. I got to the end of the link fighting back tears, but the author is so right. Sometimes we have to ignore the inconvenience or awkwardness and just do it.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Thank you, Glory. It's a powerful and moving reminder to us to do the right thing. Not always easy.

LACeleste

An important reminder. Thank you Glory.

viva

This post reminded me that today is the anniversary of my nephew's death. I cannot thank you enough. Now I will make the time for the very difficult but really necessary call to my sister-in-law.

kkards

my dad always lived this way, he always had a kind word, helped out friends and his community, and never asked for anything in return. in the last 2 years of his life, as his health was fading, it was incredible to see the support that he and my mom got back in return. its not always easy, but i do believe that we get back what we put in.

Emily

Thank you for this, Glory. Those small gestures can be easy to put off but this is an excellent reminder of how important they are.

ramya

I am one of the people who never know how to deal with sickness and death. Thanks for reminding how important it is to push aside what I feel.

Caro in Oz

Great reminder Glory thanks

For the more epic occasions I try to remember this quote too:

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

Edmund Burke

It is a great reminder. Thanks for posting. I'm reminded of the bible verse that says to him who knows to do right but doesn't do it, to him that is sin. I'm loosely quoting because I remember the KJV version of the verse, which sounds rather archaic to some, though it's what I prefer. At any rate, the idea is that doing the right thing is very important, and we should all remember that.

Echo

Modern society has marginalized death and illness to the extent that many people have no clue how to deal with it. There is so much focus on what makes you happy, or making money, or obtaining more stuff - people actually do studies to determine the "happiness index" of different places - that we try never to even think about the other side of life. And when people are raised that way (NOT going to the funeral), they truly and genuinely don't know what to do when someone they know or love is ill or in need, so they check out. Denial is much easier than facing the difficult parts of life.

I think the important message in the article for me is teaching my children that illness and death are a part of life, much like the author's father taught her. I need to instill in them a responsibility to face these things instead of burying their heads in the sand, and I need to teach it by example.

Debra

It is difficult to know what to say sometimes, but something is always better than nothing

TraceyLiz65

A great reminder! My husband whose parents are toxic still receive cards and phone calls on holidays, birthdays and the anniversary of his brother's death. More than that is not healthy, but I greatly admire that he continues to reach out and know his father at least appreciates it....

cuffcat

Active Member

Thanks for sharing this link. I know that doing what's right is greater than my own fears. My parents always told me that funerals were for the living. I agree.

Peri

That's a good article, Glory, thanks for sharing it. It is making think of things from a different angle, because it have passed on funerals of acquaintances thinking my attending would be intrusive.

An example of what I mean...a professional acquaintance, someone I know but am not really friends with, much less close friends, lost her husband a few years ago. I'm not meaning this was someone I disliked...not a "not friend" , just not a friend either. I thought that going to the funeral would be inappropriate, since I didn't know the husband either.

When my father died many years back I was so grateful for my friends who came, but I would have felt uncomfortable if such an acquaintance had come. Someone who hadn't known my father and barely knew me, I'm not sure I would have been happy about that.

So, the "always" gives me questions and of course I'm being too literal. I just wonder if someone has some wisdom on where the line is.

Also, I'm about to write something that relates to this in an opposite way.

Sheila

Thanks for posting this. Having had some tragic deaths in my family within the past few years, this article reminded me how someone's presence at a time of loss can remind you of the living, and the hope which that reminder brings when the only feelings you truly have are of your loss and how the pain will never go away.

Thank you. I needed this.

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