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Advice: The ex's birthday

Louise

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It's the ex's birthday next week and I have a dilemma, I'm thinking of dropping him a text to wish him a happy birthday? So far friends and family have been evenly matched for and against, what do you guys think? X

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22 replies

Latest reply was from Janet

Deborah

Veteran

I think it depends on what state your relationship is in. If you are on good terms then I think it would be a gracious gesture to wish him Happy birthday. In fact really, it's a nice thought regardless.n of you feel you would like to send him your best wishes, then do so:)

Archer

Veteran

A text? On his birthday!? I wouldn't.
too dangerous....
It might lead to talking and then your friends would get sick of having to vote all the time wouldn't they?

Irene

Veteran

I think it's a nice touch in a 'I remember you' kind of text, but it does depend a lot on what terms you broke up, how long since that happened and how long your relationship lasted (which I recall being a very long term relationship).

But if you remember him fondly, in a 'It didn't work out for us but he's a great person and has meant a lot for me for years', I think it's nice to say happy birthday. Just keep it a bit cool and nonchalant, lest he thinks you are going for something different.

Anonymous

No, bad idea, especially if you are heartbroken. Why put yourself in a situation where you might be upset if he does not respond or whatever.
You can wish him Happy Birthday next year, when you will be OVER him

Janet

(website)

Veteran

Hmm. At first I thought, "how bad could it be to send a simple happy birthday text?" but I see Zap's point. I think a lot depends on where you both are emotionally. If either one of you might be construing more into a message than a simple "I'm thinking of you on your birthday" (or the resulting responses or lack thereof) then maybe it's better left unsaid.

It's so hard for me to say, because the longest relationship I ever had before I met my husband was two years, and that was when I was barely into my 20s. I definitely lacked the emotional maturity to have casual contact with my ex back then, but it may be very different for you.

I think you need to be really honest with yourself about your motivations and whether you're still feeling raw enough that it's better to avoid contact. If both you and he are capable of viewing a text as a simple HBD wish and nothing more, then maybe it would do no harm.

Either way, good luck to you. I know this is a hard time of year when you've experienced such a loss.

ironkurtin

Veteran

There is nothing wrong with sending someone a "wishing you a happy birthday" message, so long as you meant it and there are no strings attached.

Diana

Veteran

Hmm, I think I might actually send an actual paper card - a generic one that just says "happy birthday", no funny, emotional, or personal message. There's less expectation or even ability for a response there.

bj1111

Veteran

skip it...it hasn't been that long since he broke your heart. do not send a "i want to get back together" message. this is per my husband...the guy perspective.

rachylou

Veteran

Only if you're still "doing business" sorting out financial matters or something. Otherwise, I'd chuck the ball and chain.

Anonymous

I have never sent my ex a birthday card. Just sayin'

MsMary

Veteran

In the early stages of a breakup, the developmental task in front of you is to break the attachment to your former partner. The easiest, fastest, and least painful (although still very very painful indeed) way to do this is to have no contact at all beyond that which is absolutely necessary to take care of any business matters that need to be resolved.

Be strong. Don't do it.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

I am with Mary -- you are too recently separated and this will only complicate things. Unless you do see him regularly already and have managed to be on cordial terms, I say let it be for now.

scorp76

I agree with others. I wouldnt do it either

Anonymous

I agree completely with MaryK.

crutcher

Veteran

If you were close enough for birthday wishes, you wouldn't be divorced..I agree with Mary K...leave Mr. X alone...

LACeleste

Veteran

Hi Louise,

Please don't. It's too soon.

celia

Veteran

Another vote for not doing it. Let's be honest, you only want to send a birthday message because you are still attached to him, if you were over him you probably wouldn't even remember.You will be expecting am answer from him that whatever it might be will open the door to a lot of heartache on your part. At this point why would you expose yourself to it?

ManidipaM

Veteran

I do rather agree with MaryK. If you think you can resist without dwelling on it, keep your distance virtually.

However, if you think the thought will nag you like a sore tooth, send that text. Weirdly, in my experience, it can be a lightener.

It really depends on how you FEEL. Either way. There is no other right or wrong.

rae

(website)

Veteran

I completely agree with MaryK. No no no no no. Cut those strings and focus your energy on the future!

There is nothing "wrong," no, but it is not moving you in the right direction.

minimalist

Veteran

Just seeing this now. How did this work out, Louise?

XH used to send me birthday cards, started right away. He seemed to need to do that, to feel like everything was civil and ok and he was being the bigger person, while acting otherwise.

It's a day you used to share with your ex, so maybe you can honor that by doing something especially comforting for yourself?

Louise

Veteran

I decided to decide on the day and go with my gut. I'd had an emotional weekend as he was best man at his friends wedding which we would have gone to together. I'm not that close to the friends but am Facebook friends with them so couldn't help but keep checking out the photos! It's like a sore tooth you can't help but keep poking with your tongue!
In the end I posted a message on his Facebook wall. It seemed less personal than a text message and more 'oh look Facebook reminded me it's your birthday' I kept busy on the day and spent the evening with my nan who shares the same birthday x

Janet

(website)

Veteran

I think that's a great compromise. I hope you're feeling better about all of this very soon.