Advice on wedding problem/solution

I think I screwed up with some of the wedding planning and I'm worried I may have offended my future SIL. About a month or so ago, we learned that my SIL is expecting her second child. I'm beyond happy for her. The only slightly rough spot I saw was going to be finding a dress that would be comfortable for her. At first, I thought we'd all wear satin, but after learning about her pregnancy and realizing that satin would be rather warm, I told everyone we should go with chiffon. Well, after going to a bridal store and 2 of the girls trying on things, they decided they liked a charmeuse one. The other one tried on the charmeuse dress later and said she liked that one too. I completely forgot to email my SIL to tell her about the change. When I remembered to this weekend, she didn't pick up and bought a chiffon one. When I finally talked to her today and she told me she bought the chiffon one, I told her the chiffon was fine with me and offered to buy her another dress if she wanted to change dresses. She said she was fine with that one, but I still repeated my offer.

I also invited her to a very impromptu get-together with the other bridesmaids on Wednesday. A couple of weeks ago, my best friend and I talked about getting together while she was visiting her MIL this week and we decided to on Wednesday evening. Yesterday, the 2 bridesmaids that live in town said they could come. So I extended the invitation to my SIL and told her if she couldn't come, it was completely understandable because of how last minute this was and that her daughter's birthday was a couple of days later. Maybe it was because I was still in freak-out mode, but she sounded upset about this as well.

What can I do to fix this? I don't want to start the next chapter of my life with my SIL angry or annoyed with me. I've been racking my brain for other things I can do, but I'm coming up empty. Any thoughts? Thanks for reading a long and whiney sounding post.

11 years ago

lyn*

(website)

Veteran

Is she annoyed or angry with you?

I mean, I don't think I'd be upset about the dress - you were more than reasonable by offering to purchase a replacement for her (more than once) and like you said about the get together, it was really impromptu and she has other commitments.

I think she might be worried she may have disappointed you in some way or isn't fulfilling her future SIL duties - more than the likelihood she's angry with you.

Just my thoughts.

Deborah

Can you organise to catch up with her coffee and just share with her how you feel, and that you are concerned you have upset her and that you didn't mean to. That will allow her to respond openly and hopefully will clear the air (if it needs clearing) and possibly be a step toward creating a good and strong relationship with her.

Caro in Oz

What Deborah said & if that doesn't work a short letter to say you realise it was your fault that you forgot to tell her about the dress & you don't want a mistake to come between you She may feel uncomfortable at your suggestion of paying for the second dress. I probably would. It is not rational but .........

Kristin L

I'm not really sure lyn. I feel like we're still getting to know each other and our personalities are pretty different. I know I have problems with anxiety, which is not helping the situation. I can see where she would feel like she might be worried she's not as involved, but I wasn't expecting in terms of SIL/bridesmaid's duties because she lives 4 hours away and has a 3 year old. That and I sometimes feel awkward asking for help or delegating wedding things.

Coffee may not work, Deborah, because we don't live near from each other. But I like the direction you and Caro are going in. I think if I wait a day or two and send her an email, that may help. Plus I didn't even think about offering to buy her another dress making her uncomfortable. I was thinking more along the lines of "it's my fault for not communicating, so here's how I can fix this."

Just lost a long reply - short version is - I know you were being generous & trying to correct a mistake K but if her feelings are hurt she may not be hearing that.

ironkurtin

This might be a place where her brother can find out more than you can. She may or may not be upset; I know if I were pregnant with a toddler to take care of I might be a bit edgy about just about everything. I'd find out the score before you apologize for something that may not be a problem.

Liz

hm....do you have more to go on than just that she "sounded upset"?

Maybe just call her up and basically say what you said in your post here..."What's most important to me is that we are doing OK. I feel awkward because I want you to feel included but at the same time I don't want to put demands on you or make you feel like you have do anything. I just want you involved as much as works for you and for you to have fun and for us to enjoy this together."

TraceyLiz65

I agree with Ironkurtin regarding getting the inside scoop from her brother...Perhaps you may find that she is actually fine...

Suz

I am with Liz. A phone call would be a great way to get sorted. Just let her know how you feel -- and I'll bet it will all be cleared up in no time.

Jules

Being a bridesmaid can be a bit trying at the best of times and with the closest of relationships. For example if I had to suck it up and buy a dress I wasn't crazy about (which let's face it is probably true 90% of the time), and then found out I bought the "wrong" dress despite my best efforts, I'd be irritated. BUT, I would get over it, because I realize it's part of the deal and I wouldn't be a bridesmaid if I couldn't handle the bride or situation. Perhaps just give it a bit of time.

rachylou

I would say don't worry about *fixing* anything. Just show your appreciation for her generosity and understanding. Tell her she's the best and you're glad you're getting her for a sister in law.

Glory

I say give her a call and explain what you have just told us. You are a wonderful and kind person, and this will come across.

AviaMariah

I agree that a simple phone call would be best. You're stressed over the wedding and she could be having struggles with the pregnancy and taking care of other little ones which is causing her stress. It's so easy to mis-communicate during stressful times.

Gaylene

What Jules and Rachylou said.

It sounds like she is trying her best to be a good member of the wedding party but, through no one's fault, things aren't always working out for her. Call her, tell her you appreciate her, and laugh about the weirdness of it all. If you are too apologetic, it could just make the situation even more uncomfortable for both of you.

Oh, and one other thing I've learned the hard way--it's usually better to ask people directly instead of making assumptions, especially if you are still in the early stages of getting acquainted. The only way to know for sure how she feels about something is to ask for her input before assuming what would be in her best interests.

Thanks so much everyone for the advice! One thing I didn't say because it didn't dawn on me was that she's the wife of my DF's brother. But I think things are going to be ok. We talked a little bit today and it sounds more like I surprised her and I think we've sorted things out. And yes, I know I need to work on not being so apologetic and trying to fix things.

What I've learned from this is to make sure I email/call/text regularly to make sure everyone knows what's going on.

Anonymous

Hi,
First and foremost, I see no harm. She could be perfectly fine. First, I would not start asking around. You are asking close family and significant others, they are bound to tell her. Umm, I would be a bit ticked off if my SIL is asking my brother about me. It
might just become this convoluted mess. If you are bothered, next time you see her, put her aside and say something such as " I am so grateful you are taking time to participate on this, considering that it is a very busy time in your life too". She is probably fine. She is pregnant and has a small kid, she is probably waaay too preocupied with things. Don't worry. ETA. I see you spoke with her. Brilliant.

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