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Advice on aging parents

Laurie

Veteran

I am just reading through Kerry's thread about Mom living alone, and it occurred to me to tap the collective, and extensive, wisdom here about aging parents. Mine are 80 and 88, unbelievably good for those ages both mentally and physically, but they're losing ground faster and faster. My Mom is completely dependent on my Dad for all logistics - house, finances, driving, major decisions. Dad is organized and trying to get Mom to take over bill paying and other household functions, but he is doing this in the most horrible and maudlin way, "I won't be around much longer". So she bursts into tears and absolutely nothing gets accomplished.
4 years ago, when my husband's slightly older parents went into extreme decline, I witnessed the horror of it for them and for their only surviving child. I decided to try to be proactive and get my parents talking about how they would like to live this phase of their lives. I actually found a social worker licensed in geriatric care who meets with families to mediate these difficult conversations. It took me a long time to figure out how to broach the subject. My mother burst into tears. Very little was accomplished. My father thanked me for asking what their wishes were, and promptly refused to go to the meeting with the social worker.

Here we are, 4 years later. They still live in a house that they increasingly cannot handle, but also refuse to discuss any renovation that would enable aging in place, much less moving anywhere else after 56 years. My father had a couple of serious health scares this year, but when he got past them he is right back to being in a lot of denial. So, no discussion, no decisions.

I would LOVE advice about this phase of the parent-child relationship. I'm dealing with the stress of parenting my 2 adult children (the hardest time of parenting, in my experience) and know that the next years with my parents are going to be difficult. Yes, I do yoga and am trying to make sure I have my own tools in place. But I know that nothing can ever prepare us for decline and loss. I also acknowledge that I am extremely lucky to have such vital parents at these ages. (Angie, I am sure our fathers would hit it straight off!)

My parents and I have a good relationship. I have 2 concerned siblings. Mom and Dad just think that they are immune to what is happening to everyone else around them - aging. I really hate this....

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33 replies

Latest reply was from shiny

rachylou

Veteran

Do your folks have a handyman or housekeeper?

JAileen

Veteran

My father was like that. Even when he was in the hospital for the last time, he still thought he’d be home in a few days. My mother, however, was very pragmatic. After he died, she decided she wanted to move to a retirement home. Fortunately there was an excellent and inviting place nearby, and she had the finances to live there. Now she’s 94 and starting to slow down. But she’s still pragmatic. She has told us about her file folder labeled “Death”. It has all sorts of info and even has her obituary!

Classically Casual

Veteran

My mother was extremely proactive in making major changes in advance of needing them, so I don’t have personal experience with your dilemma.

Do they listen to their doctors? As a Medicare recipient I find my PCP to be relentless in wanting advanced directives, etc on file. It’s part of treating seniors in the U.S. Do you have any idea how your parents handle that?

Are you able to spend enough time with them to determine if they’re eating well, and doing all the other everyday stuff? Ultimately it’s their choice how they live, but hopefully they’ll listen to your concerns.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

I have been through a sadly similar situation and I wish I had advice. Really, the only thing I can say from my own experience is that "this too, shall pass." And expect things to be difficult.

My parents refused to leave their (suburban) home. My mother was legally blind and extremely frail. My father had numerous health problems including lymphoma, alcoholism, and osteoporosis, and he broke several bones. Neither of them would acknowledge what was going on and neither would accept any assistance except from my brother (who thankfully lived in the same city and had no pressing responsibilities) and from me (who lived 300 miles away and had MANY pressing responsibilities, including a teen with special needs.)

My brother ended up visiting them almost every day for about 8 years - he took on the bulk of the caregiving. I was there once a month for several days to a week each time during the same period. It took a toll on us all.

My dad died in 2010 and for 5 years we cared for my mother until she fell and hit her head. She was 90, and apart from her disability and frailty, otherwise in good health.

What we decided in the end (my brother and I) was that this was truly the way they wanted it. It wasn't sensible from our point of view, and it wasn't convenient for us, but there it was.

After my dad died, my mother hurt her ankle and at that point she had an occupational therapist come. She banished the first few, but finally one arrived with whom she could communicate and she actually took some of that woman's advice; it helped for a while. We also managed to get a meal service for her. She allowed me to cook and bring food for her freezer at times, and to order her clothing for her and take her shopping. And she had housekeeping. But that was the extent of the help she would accept.

If you have not already read it, I highly recommend Atul Gawande's Being Mortal.

And I wish you courage and strength. The "sandwich" generation truly has its work cut out.

Anonymous

First, realize that your parents are of a different generation and think of things very differently. If you can find a place where they can be together, that may be a great comfort. That was what my mother wanted but it was not possible. I
My greatest sorrow is that she willed herself to die ( which she did) rather than go into a home. She had MS for many years and was completely dependent on my dad, who was in his mid 90's and had dementia. He eventually ended up in the same nursing home after a series of strokes and loved it....the care, the socialization, the friends he made. I know my mother, a very social person , would have loved that home. She was mentally sharp and would have loved that there were people to talk to and great care.
I empathize with what you are going through. Do not accept conditions that will not work for you. Do not feel guilty about protecting your own family. They have to come first. Your parents need you to see that they have their basic needs provided. You do not know before hand how they will react to a group home. They are not the horrors that they were 40-50 years ago.

Anonymous

No advice yet, but empathy! DH and I are starting to face this with our own parents in declining health, and have been helping a lot with many things. Its uncharted territory for sure

Janet

(website)

Veteran

I sympathize 100%. This is really hard stuff.

My dad died when he was only 65, so my mom lived her final 17 years alone, and mostly did very well that way (on her own limited terms -- I helped out with a lot of things she could not handle on her own). I nudged a few times over the years to encourage her to downsize from a two-story, four-bedroom house to something smaller and easier to manage, perhaps in a community made for older adults. She would drive around with me and look at places from time to time, but never made the move. She lived at home until the very end, which is what she wanted -- she absolutely hated the idea of anything remotely close to a nursing home.

I tried to remember all the while that as tough as it was for me, it was even tougher for her. Pushing or cajoling would do no good -- it would only make her dig in her heels more. I would suggest continuing to listen to them -- their needs, their concerns, and repeat them back to them, showing that you understand. I found that the most important thing for my mom was to feel like she was being heard and appreciated. No one facing that stage of life wants to feel like they are being pushed into doing something because it will make other people's lives easier, BUT most also don't want to be a burden.

I found this book VERY helpful. It's been a long time since I read it (probably going on 15 years), but it gave me some good insights and tools to cope. https://www.amazon.com/Coping-.....50X/?tag=h

I wish you well!

cjh

(website)

Veteran

A difficult time, and every family’s solutions, or lack thereof, have to be different. My in-laws are in their own home, 40 miles away. Dad is 94 and mom 91. He is functionally blind, uses a walker due to incomplete recovery from hip replacement surgery 4 years ago. That was the result of a fall and break, which instilled fear - more debilitating than his actual physical condition, I believe. Mom cares for him by helping hm shower and dress every day, cleans him after toileting or bowel accidents, manages medications, does all her own house and financial chores, errands, and cooking. She suffers from arthritis and occasionally severe nerve pain in her back, hips and shoulders. Fortunately neither shows any sign of dementia.

They refuse to hire help for housework or personal care for dad, and mom leaves the house only for short periods, with the phone left by his side. My husband mows their lawn, does handyman minor and major chores, manages their tv/internet, and advises on finances or needed purchases, which entails visiting at least once a week in summer, and every week or two the whole year. I often go along to visit and offer help in the house, which is always refused. I do some clothing shopping for them, but she orders some of their needs. I’ve offered to bring freezer meals, but dad doesn’t like his food “mixed up” as in casseroles or soups. So making pork chop and baked potato isn’t too difficult for her. (His brother lives in the next state and really does nothing. Though mom seems to think he’s somehow excused, because he was a doctor and busy... and when he retired a year ago, he moved further away... grr.)

So now that you know the situation, the only things that seem to help US help them is to see ourselves as listeners. My husband can’t listen as well as I do, but perhaps it’s because mom, who does all the talking, inundates him with needs like lightbulbs that need changing, or the loose siding on the garage, or put away the Christmas lights, etc. whereas I am simply the companion to share the family and neighborhood gossip with.

We also frame questions or “orders” as if they are our needs, and that actually seemed to help. When we insisted that they hire their snow plow service to also shovel their walks and patio, we said, WE can’t make it over there in that weather, nor to the hospital if you fall in a snowstorm. WE don’t want to be in the dark about their finances if they can’t deal with something, so they’ve given us information about everything and signed power of attorney as well as living will, and medical power of attorney. We ask them how they want to live their life, but they also heard us make it clear that if something happens to mom, dad will have to go to nursing home the next day, as we aren’t able to do what she does for him. Etc.

I don’t know if this helps you, but my heart is with you as you are caring for you dear parents.

texstyle

(website)

Veteran

I agree with cjh about framing discussions with statements like "We can't do xyz for you..." instead of "You can't do xyz for yourself...". This has worked in my own experience to help them feel less like it's "them" and more like it's "you." Also, sometimes you just have to get the job done without them agreeing - home repairs that are critical for example, if they are putting it off, you may have to forcefully step in and even figure out how to pay for it yourself if need be.

Trying to get seniors to having as few physical bill payments as possible is another good thing. If you can automate payments for utilities and insurance and mortgages in particular, that is less worrisome. Not as important for other services.

An elder friend of ours recently missed her insurance payment - and was out of town when her downstairs flooded. She lost her car and it was not covered. Not a good experience and a very expensive lesson for her.

texstyle

(website)

Veteran

And that book Janet mentioned, perhaps we should all buy a copy for our PARENTS to read too!

ETA: Okay I looked at the Table of Contents and maybe this isn't the right book exactly for everyone (focuses on *very* difficult behaviors) but there are some other good recommendations if this one isn't quite right for the situation.

Runcarla

Veteran

I can only commiserate with you. I spent 2017 getting my mother and her husband (15 years her senior) out of a financial pickle when they failed to file their income taxes for 3 years!). Her DH did all things financial, but cognitive failings in his 90's had him asking her to take over. I spent most of my holiday/vacation time that year travelling to their city and sorting through their paperwork, getting them amnesty from the tax folks, getting their health insurance claims up to date, and their paperwork in order. My mother resists attempts to budget or document so I make regular visits and do the paperwork. She has given me POA, however she is capable so it can not be invoked. Mom doesn't like doing things that are unpleasant, and she likes drama. So, I just keep things as up to date as possible and clean up messes!

My mother has a lot of support folks coming in to help with her husband, who is very frail, and for herself. My sister, who lives in the same city, would drive across town to check on them every day and bring them a lovely cooked dinner. Last month mom and her husband put their condo on the market and moved to a modern rental that is walking distance from my sisters place, making it much easier on her and her family. (I am ever so grateful to my sister and her wonderful husband.) Sis doesn't want to touch the financial, and that is my forte, so we work well together - though I feel that she takes on the lions share of care.

We had an issue of someone 'grooming' my mother for financial gain, but were able to nip it in the bud. We did have to get her credit card cancelled, and my mother was angry at us for a while because we questioned her 'new friend's' motives, etc.

I have 2 brothers, but they live quite far away. One brother lives in the same city as my father and his wife. Father is failing in health and has been battling multiple myeloma for several years, but is proud and resists intervention. His wife is much younger and continues to run their busines. Father still contributes to the business, but works from home. My bother in that city works from home as well, and will visit with my dad and work from his home 3 days a week so he can keep him company and help out when needed. Dad and I communicate a couple times a week via e-mail. I am not involved in any kind of care plan.

DH lost his parents within 3 years of each other about 15 years ago. His father after a brief illness (3 months) and his mother after a lingering illness (1 year). DH and his 3 sisters would rotate weeks living with his mother in her home. DH's employer was supportive and he was able to work from MIL's home. I would prepare and freeze meals for 2 and send 2 big coolers down with DH. At the end, MIL was in hospital less than a week before she died.

We are also a multigenerational household, since our two 20 something sons are still at home - like some other folks who have posted here - we are part of the sandwich generation. It can be tough, but not all the time.

My advice to you is to let them live as they choose, be there to pick them up when they fall, and do not forget about caring for yourself! It was at the end of that rough year, and just before another trip to check on my mom, that I came down with shingles that knocked me down for a month. Lesson learned!

kkards

Veteran

i was/am so lucking in that my dad experienced what you are experiencing with his folks...and so it was relatively easy for my Mom to get him to move out of the big family home and into a townhouse condo after they retired....that worked really well for the for 18 years until my dad got sick. even thought it was "manageable" with my sisters and i taking turns visiting when my dad has hospitalized (1st time total stay 8 weeks, 2nd time just under 4)...if my dad would have lived, i think the situation would have been difficult as he would probably not have been able to drive, and my mother would have been reluctant to leave him alone. then after 3 years of living alone, my mother (aged 82) made the decision to move into a continuing care community. BEST DECISION....she lives in her own apartment, but has 1 meal a day provided (you can eat in the restaurant like dinning room or have it delivered). there are activities if you want to be social, but its not mandatory. there is a weekly bus to the market, as well as to local places of worship. once a week housekeeping comes in and cleans. for my sisters and i, its piece of mind knowing there is someone who will notice if she does pick up the newspaper in the morning, she will be feed and cared for if the weather makes in impossible to go out or the power goes out etc...for my mom, its made her feel like she's taken a burden off my sisters and i, as well as given her an additional community of friends and activities.
so i guess i don't have a lot of advice, but want to echo the advice given above about making it about what you can or can't do instead of what your parents can not do...also, if they are religious people, i'd recommend getting to know their clergy and if they are up to it (the clergy) having them lead the conversation about what's happening etc...nothing against license social workers, but i think its a conversation that's better coming from someone your parents know and trust.
best of luck.

Anonymous

I briefly skimmed through everyone's responses and they are all wise responses. In the end our parents want what they want and no amount of talking will change that. We are the bearers of the stress and first and foremost, you have to take care of yourself.

My brother lived with my parents so he took care of all the finances, caregiving (with help from a visiting nurse). The title of the house was transferred to his name so he had to handle that. He did not work at the time or nor did he have a spouse or children. He is also 10 years older than me.

The problem was with DH's parents. We spoke with them constantly about downsizing (they actually bought a much bigger house when they were in their 50s), and unfortunately when his mother died quite suddenly (she was almost 10 years younger than her husband who at that time developed dementia), the real stress began of what to do. So they had a will and power of attorneys, living wills etc. great. But everything else was a mess. Since neither one had put into writing or voiced what their wishes were if one spouse died before the other, DH had to make these hard decisions himself. So we had to plan a funeral, find a place for his dad to live (we live 60 miles away and DH still works. DH's sister was not willing to help at all), figure out their financial mess, fix and clean out the the house and put it on the market and much much more.

My advice to you would be to research living facilities in case one or both of your parents have to leave their home (a time will come when you need may need this and it is easier to do sooner than later). Make sure their finances are in order and that they have not fallen into any scams or are paying for things they do not need (DH's parents were signed up for many things on their credit cards, phone bills and utilities that they did not need). You may be able to set up alerts on your phone to let you know if any large withdrawals were made at the bank or irregular charges are made on their credit cards.

Perhaps getting one of those alarm systems may be a good idea. The ones you see on tv ("I've fallen and can't get up"). Also, do they have neighbors that can check on them during the day?

I live in a mixed neighborhood; people who are in their 80s (lived here for over 50 years and many newbies. Many of the 80+ have made the move to assisted living and active adult communities that have the option of a nursing home and hospice in the end. I sometimes visit them and they all say the same thing, "I should have done this sooner!" They find that they can now enjoy whatever time they have left and do not have to be burdened taking care of a home, they have a community of people their age and many younger assistants to keep them social, and reliable healthcare and good healthy meals.

anchie

Veteran

No advice, just commiserations because I am in very similar situation and looking for advice my self. My parents are almost decade younger than yours (72 and 75) but their health is not great. My mom has a peacemaker, diabetes and glaucoma and had a few strokes. My father is not much better either. They still live in a house where I grew up which is too big for them to maintain. They did not go up to the second floor in almost two years. House is falling apart piece by piece but they are so stubborn, they don’t want to move or invest in maintenance. They depend on each other for various things and I cannot imagine either of them living on their own. I am an only child and live in different country and can’t visit as often as I want and need. I begged them to move to apartment in a bigger city with better medical facilities that is closer to me but they don’t want to even discuss this. My mom has also some hoarding tendencies that needs to be addressed sooner or later and she is refusing to do anything about it.
On the other hand, my DH mother is 82, and she is in excellent health, living in an apartment in yet another country and she is takig care of her self and 3 kids. My FIL died 7 years ago and my SIL 4 years ago from heart attack at age 43 leaving 3 kids behind. They were 7,9 and 11 at the time. My MIL is raising them now (with our financial help), but I don’t know how long this arrangement can last.
I am just taking it all a day at a time because I don’t have a solution in place for either situation.

Stagiaire Fash

Veteran

I thought my parents would want my help when we lived a couple hours away from them. They refused most things I offered, although they happily took others up on the very same things. So I did little stuff here and there. They are currently deciding where to spend their final years. I really couldn't see what difference it made if I was there to show them for the umpteenth time that they can "unscramble" their email by clicking at the top of the column they want it sorted by. Now that I'm here, of course, they are pissed off. My dad reportedly says I've abandoned them. It hurts that he'd feel that way, but it hurt to have them refuse anything I wanted to do for them anyway.

MsMaven

Veteran

My experience from a personal and lawyerly point of view:

1. Get together with you siblings and make sure you are all together on everything you do. I'm the middle child, but it made sense that since I am a lawyer, I should be executor and trustee, and eventually have power of attorneys for the financial and health care. Nevertheless, every step of the way I consulted my siblings before taking an important step.

My Depression era parents were extremely independent because at a fairly young age they had to be responsible for partially incapacitated fathers, and siblings who had problems as well at times.

It wasn't until my 85-year-old mother fell and broke her elbow that at last my 87-year-old dad, who had parkinson's, put me on their safe deposit box and bank accounts. Their wills and trust had been amended years earlier. I had copies and made sure they were current.

For several years the daughter of a neighbor came once a week to clean and check on them. The neighbor and people from their church watched over them. Neighbors and church friends can be extremely helpful.

There was one difficult moment when I decided I should be appointed guardian for my dad. Both siblings were against it, so I held off. My dad always said he'd only leave his house on a stretcher, and that is what happened when he was 90 and broke his hip. When we sold the house where they had lived for 62 years, he sniffed and said "No more love nest." By then we realized that mom had dementia.

My younger sibling stepped up and arranged for my parents to live with her. The estate paid for housekeeping and all expenses. Dad died at 91--one day he refused to take his Parkinson medications and soon went into hospice. Mom lived 3 more years, each more difficult.

All 3 of us had moved to California decades earlier, but the folks refused to leave their loved home. It was hard on us, but I'm not sorry now. We had good neighbors to watch over them. If there was a problem, the neighbors went down the phone list and whichever one of us was home when a panicked call came, took responsibility and immediately got on a plane. We each would spend a week or so, taking turns.

2. Okay, my husband and I are attorneys, I'm retired and he still practices. He's had several terrible cases recently involving family squabbles over a parent's estate, especially with a second spouse or partner. The winners in these cases are the lawyers.

I suggest you consult with a good attorney in your parents' area and find out what basics need to be taken care of. Get advice on a good, reputable one, chip in together and go for an initial consultation. Some attorneys don't charge for this.

How is property held? In whose name? Very important to know if community property, joint tenancy or other. Better to avoid probate if you can, which might mean a will and/or trust and one of you should have a copy of it to make sure it's up to date.

Do you know the executor/trustee?

Powers of attorney: health care, financial matters. Again, your case may vary.

Beware of elder scams. My mom actually thought she was going to get a lot of money from Nigeria, and she kept subscribing to magazines she wouldn't want to read. This was what I found out before my Dad broke his hip. Also learned she had stopped keeping track of her bank balance for 3 months and thought she had 3x the money in it thanwas there.

Fortunately my Depression era parents didn't believe in debt or credit cards--kept the ones the bank sent in their safe deposit box.

There were maybe 7-8 difficult years, and it got more stressful, but I don't regret forcing my parents to move. My m-i-l, on the other hand, was a whole different story.

This is advice based on my experience. My DH and I are now in our 70s and I don't want to move from my dream house, which is single story, no stairs, deliberately chosen. Still, we are at the point that we need more help.

Fortunately we've learned lots of lessons from our families and clients.

I can tell you it is still hard to sign that power of attorney for health care.

Good luck. Congratulations for stepping up and not putting your head in the sand. If we did it with the most stubborn father in the world, you can do it.

Laurie

Veteran

i just wrote the longest response, then lost it when I clicked on Janet's book recommendation. (Boy, I wish we'd read that book 4 years ago when my husband's parents were nearing the end. His father was the most difficult person I've ever met in my whole life).

I'll just say a short THANK YOU ALL, there is such lovely empathy and wisdom here. I'll respond in more detail over the weekend.
Hugs to all.

NancyW

Veteran

I had a therapist who told me that, most of the time, it is a crisis that finally shakes up the situation. Of course this isn’t always true, but if it happens that way for you, know that you are in good company.

Looking back, I do wish that I had drawn some clearer lines between my father’s needs and my own, but I know my mother would have approved of how I handled him. There is lots of good advice here about seeing an attorney, trying to put their assets in a trust (my middle-class parents did this when they retired and it was a beautiful gift to me at the end of my father’s life and after death), and getting your name as a co-owner on their checkbooks, credit cards, and brokerage accounts. Remember that power-of-attorney ends with death. Visit local residential settings and check with your local government about elder services so you are ready to take action when it becomes possible. Try to get them to agree to a life-alert system. If your state has good consumer protection laws, prepay their funerals. If not, or they won’t even consider it, let them know that you will be making the decisions that feel right to you after their deaths.

Let love and duty lead, but don’t confuse those with letting your parents make every decision. A mantra could be made from what cjh said, perhaps something like: I am doing everything I think is wise, I am doing everything I can, I am not doing everything. I think her thoughts about framing her responses to the parents as what she was capable of is so valuable.

Put your family to work with you, as appropriate, be compassionate to them and to yourself and ask everyone you know about how they managed the nuts and bolts of it all. You are not alone! There is an army of women and men all around you!

Helena

Veteran

No advice I'm afraid, but sending love and strength. xx

Gigi

Veteran

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. This sounds really tough.

The only thing I can suggest is that as far as housework goes, if that is an issue, maybe you could suggest that your parents pay for a young relative to come do some housecleaning. My mom had a lot of health problems in her later years, and she was fine paying my dad's niece (who was in her early twenties at the time) to do housework once a week. My mom felt comfortable with her because she was a relative, and she felt like she was helping the young woman out by giving her a source of extra income. So it could be phrased as being helpful to the one doing the housecleaning.

cjh

(website)

Veteran

Especially thanks to MsMaven for wise insight.

Kate

Veteran

This is an ongoing situation for my sister and I—our mother is 95, and our father died decades ago at only 59—so I can certainly commiserate. The best thing my sibling and I ever did was consult an elder care lawyer about seven years ago, when it became apparent that Mama would need more help, and that we were going to be entering uncharted waters. An elder care lawyer can help you in more ways than I have time to write, but they were a godsend. A third party can help siblings deal with each other as well as the loved one and the estate. An elder care lawyer will also bring up things you never thought of—but need to consider. Ours answered every question we ever had about care options, about the estate, about nursing homes, if it ever came to that (it did, 9 months ago), and all the laws that relate to caregivers. He advised us to pay my sister, who does the bulk of the caregiving—she lived next door to Mama, and I live 6 hours away—for the work she did, and boy she did a lot, especially in the early years. The estate paid, and my sister kept that money separate so Mama's estate wouldn't lose it, a factor we knew would become important, as our parent needed greater levels of care to stay in the home she loved, and we needed the money to pay for it. As a child of the Depression, Mama was tight as a tick with money, and when we were growing up, she worked in a bank for many years, and always handled the household finances. We could never tell her a thing about money, even though I'm very good with figures, and organized just like she is. But the lawyer could, and she respected his authority. Bless our lawyer, that's all I can say. Because Mama was always incredibly organized, she kept files on everything, and updated them regularly. These included her will, power of attorney, all the home maintenance items and the service people to call, right down to what hymns she wanted sung at her funeral service. She made a lot of things so easy for us. As her memory and cognitive abilities, as well as her physical abilities, declined, it became a lot harder for all three of us. But I am so happy that we were able to keep her in her own home until just past her 95 birthday. My sister and I still spend a lot of time with her—my sister sees her every day!—and I will forever be grateful that we were, and continue to be, able to take care of her as she so lovingly took care of us. As hard as the process is, it is such a gift to be able to do it.

Bijou

Veteran

Yes - it is hard especially when parents are frail. They will want to make their own decisions and respecting that is what is most important. Ms Maven's advice about the legal issues is very sound and important to get sorted before anything bad happens.

I have been fortunate as both my Parents discussed their wishes in the event of a significant health event with both the immediate family and their health professionals (major heart attack, stroke etc) and in what circumstances they would wish to be revived and put on life support and those in which they would not.

Anonymous

In addition to parents, how about aging siblings! Yesterday I called my brother who is 70 years old and a college professor (still teaches) is single with no kids and no real significant other (just someone he sees casually) and he told me that that he was not feeling very well.Since he has heart issues , I pressed for more info and he confessed that he fell victim to a computer hijacking scheme back in November 2018. Long story short, he was so nervous because he was being threatened and forced to buy Apply gift cards. I told him at that point to hang up and go directly to the police department and work with them as to what to do. Three hours later he calls me back and fortunately the bank was able to stop the $30,000 transfer he made just before I called him and turned over the Apple gift cards for evidence ($5000 worth). There is nothing they could do about the $20,000 he sent the scam artists back in November.

Heaven knows what could have happened if I had not spoken to him. They had access to his bank accounts! New bank account numbers with special fraud alerts were set up. I told him to change his phone number while he insisted that he did not want to. I insisted that he not pick up the phone except for the people he recognized on his caller id.

He admitted that he was stupid to fall for the scheme and knowing that he continued to send them money. So the lesson to be learned is even though your parents seem competent enough, the same thing could happen to them. Be wary, very wary. See if you could be added to their bank and investment accounts to check for dubious activity even if they are the ones taking out the funds. I never in a million years thought that my brother would fall prey to scam artists.

MsMary

Veteran

Ms.Maven gives wise advise!

Also I can second the thought that very often it's a crisis that spurs change. My parents lived on their own until my dad, who had been the caretaker for my very frail mom, became very ill and collapsed at home. He was taken by ambulance to the hospital, was hospitalized for months, and never saw his home again because my mom couldn't be alone and I had to find an assisted living placement for both of them on an emergency basis. Fortunately I already had powers of attorney from both of them so I could do the financial stuff.

The lesson I learned was the when elderly people refuse to make these decisions, ultimately the decisions will be taken out of their hands when they have a health crisis and the family is scrambling to decide what to do. This happened three years ago and my relationship with my parents never really recovered but I didn't have any choice because they hadn't made any plans. I always laugh and say "The executed their plan to be carried out of their home feet first, but the only problem was they weren't dead when it happened!"

Barbara Diane

Veteran

My dad has dementia. It took 2 years to get my parents to give me the name of a care agency they would use, but they refused to meet with them. 2 years later I found out they were no longer in business. I had also been trying to get my mother into a support group or counseling for 4 years.

One brother lives with them and drives, shops, helps my dad do his exercises, etc. My mom still drives locally.

My other brother and I flew in to check out options.

I had found a care manager who luckily led a support group at my parents’ library. I asked my mom to go to a meeting as a favor to me, to check out the care manager because if she didn’t like her we wouldn’t meet with her. Luckily my mother liked her and after several months agreed to hire her for a home assessment and advice. Now she visits every other week and is making suggestions at a pace that works.

The slow pace from our first desire to have a plan in place made my brother who doesn’t live with them crazy, but 4 1/2 years later we finally have one that works for now. My big push was, if something happens we want a number to call to get help in fast.

One other thing to keep in mind. My other brother (not living with them) wanted them in a facility with everything from independent living to memory care. If they had gone in earlier they could be in independent living together and if/when needed, bring in extra care for my dad. But now he would have to go straight into memory care, per state law. But for now they are happy in their luckily one story home.

Not a bad idea to start considering our own choices.

cjh

(website)

Veteran

A short article that had some thoughts worth reading.

https://olderhood.com/2018/02/.....b-ritzema/

Laurie

Veteran

I just came back to read some replies I missed a few weeks ago. Thank you all for sharing. It's such a hard thing all around. Mary, and others, who mention that time and decline eventually win out no matter what are right, and that's what I tried to get in front of after watching my husband go through it with his parents who had made no plans for their decline. But, my parents weren't open or ready (at exactly the time when they should have been open and ready! In full control of all facilities and reasonable health.) All of this being said, they just returned from their 3 months in FL, stopping in Maryland after a 14 hour driving day the day before (incorrigible! They drove right past the hotel I'd helped them reserve, and kept going for 2 more hours!). They showed up here tanned and relaxed, very much a youthful 80 and 89. I guess they'll go till they can't, and we'll deal with it as it comes. This is the calm before the storm. There will undoubtedly be lamentation and regret about not being proactive, when the time comes and it's too late.

Only thing we can do is not put our own kids through this.

pil

Veteran

“Only thing we can do is not put our own kids through this.”

Good point, Laurie. I have already told my boys to move me when the time comes. Unfortunately, my mother had said the same thing back in the day when she was dealing with *her* parents and we still ended up not being able to do anything until an “event” forced our hand.

I wholeheartedly endorse Kate’s suggestion to speak to an elder care attorney and mediator/third party. I tried unsuccessfully to encourage both of those with my siblings - my relationships with them will never be the same.

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