Accessories vs "Trying too hard" - YouLookFab Forum

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Accessories vs "Trying too hard"

hereforthecake

This talk of accessories has made me think about how I feel about my approach to them. Aside from some challenges due to my job, I just realized I have a few hang ups that I wonder if I need to get over!

One thing I know I struggle with is this worry? fear? that I don't like to appear as if I am trying too hard. So I find I put on certain accessories with my outfit, then end up removing them before I walk out the door because it feels like too much. But is it? Or is it just this hang up?

Is it a hang up?

I'm generally very confident about my style choices & am regularly complimented on my clothing, hair, general style...but I do struggle with accessories.
(And I'm amazed that I just discovered this at the ripe old age of 55!)

Anyone else?

General

40 replies

Latest reply was from LaPed

Lesley

Veteran

Well, you are in good company—wasn't it Coco Chanel who said to take one thing off before walking out the door?

hereforthecake

True, but I often wonder if I really needed to take off one thing? Or am I just doing it because I have this thing about not wanting to look like I tried too hard?

I realize that these are questions that maybe no one can answer except me.

Liz

Veteran

I always find it useful to finish that "trying too hard" phrase: "I don't want to look like I tried too hard ...." to do what? Tried too hard to look good? Tried too hard to coordinate your outfit? Tried too hard to look younger than you are or older than you are? Tried too hard to look like a fancy person when you're not? Tried too hard to look dressed up when everyone around you is casual? Trying too hard to pretend like you know how to dress when you really don't?

Sometimes figuring out what I"m accusing myself of helps me get over it or solve the underlying issue.

April

Veteran

HFTC - it is an intriguing phenomenon, right? We want to look like we know what we're doing, yet we don't want it to seem effortful.

On the other hand, to trot out a favorite quote I have posted on this forum many times, "The illusion of effortlessness requires a great effort indeed." (from Helena Bonham Carter's character in the movie Conversations with Other Women)

Sisi

Veteran

I think that if you feel good in your outfit +accessoires there is nothing to worry about. I bet you look fab.

Joy

Veteran

Maybe add the accessories gradually. That way no one will notice, not that they would anyway. Sisi said it well. It’s how you feel in the outfit that matters.

texstyle

(website)

Veteran

Does it have anything to do with how you view others fashion choices? I mean do other people around you wear accessories that you notice? Sometimes I think we all "feel" like we need to fit in so that can make a difference.

Cardiff girl

Veteran

I feel just like you about accessories!l think it’s because I didn’t accessorise in my youth due to work and lack of funds and now I lack confidence in this department.l love statement accessories on others but somehow they feel wrong on me,too obvious somehow.

nemosmom

Veteran

I struggle sometimes with feeling overdone.... It usually happens when I'm wearing something I normally don't - not that I wouldn't wear it, but my day-to-day life doesn't include a piece or style, for whatever reason. If I add a stack of thin bracelets after a winter in long sweaters, I feel too jingly and shiny for the first few wearings, then I'm fine. Also, it depends on where I am going - if I'm wearing heels and a nice jacket to a meeting, but everyone in the meeting is in hoodies and sneakers, I feel uncomfortably out of place. I don't like to draw too much attention to myself, so I tend to gravitate to a minimal look.

RobinF

Veteran

Good question! I tend to very neutral and minimal and I think part of that is like Nemosmom said, I don't want to draw attention to myself. I think too many or too big accessories feel the same to me. Whether I want to change it or not I'm not sure.

fifthandfinest

(website)

Interesting realization! Maybe challenge it by wearing more accessories this week and see how you feel?

smittie

Veteran

Maybe you just don't like wearing extra stuff and you have a more minimalist style that doesn't need accessorizing?

I think you have a very dramatic look and could easily wear large jewelry, but maybe just start with 1 thing per outfit.

I often feel like I'm trying too hard. The feeling is always related to a new experiment I'm trying out. Sometimes the awkward 'trying-to-hard' feeling goes away, and the new item becomes part of my core style, and sometimes the feeling doesn't go away, in which case I chalk it up to a fail experiment (but valuable learning experience).

Helena

Veteran

I love what Liz said!

The nice thing with accessories is, you can easily take them off part-way through the day if the 'trying too hard' feeling persists. I'd follow your feelings on it - no law saying you have to accessorize, especially as you note that you're looking pretty good without them!

Anonymous

I'm familiar with the phrase and I understand the concept but I have never, ever, thought this about anyone's styling. In extreme cases I might think that someone's style is over the top, elaborate, or very indicative of a particular lifestyle, but honestly, I really enjoy the wide range of personal expression and I feel lucky to see it.

Jenni NZ

Veteran

Liz’s thinking is great! I wonder if there is some lingering thought around that fashion is not for “serious” people, that it’s a frivolous thing? Sort of a lurking puritanical view?
Large numbers of people put a lot of effort into their look. They even mark their bodies with full sleeve tattoos etc.
I have banished the puritanical thought from my brain.

hereforthecake

So many good and thoughtful responses here!

I'm particularly struck by the question of how I would finish the sentence, "Trying too hard... to do what?" need to give that some thought.

Also, laughing about the concept that looking effortless requires a lot of effort! Of course it's the truth.

Sal

Veteran

Interesting thread and I can relate to the feeling - I get it when wearing heels during the day sometimes.

I think Liz’s comment is interesting- and I think that is worth pursuing. And I maybe just pushing through the feeling and see how you get on. You May find fine silver necklaces are an easy solution- or maybe earrings with no other jewellery. I find bracelets the most natural to wear - and earrings/ necklaces the hardest especially during the day when I might wear sunglasses.

rachylou

Veteran

Hmm. My mum is like Katerina in that she effortlessly wears brooches. I only sometimes effortlessly wear a brooch. There are definitely times when it’s trying too hard on me. A tack-on. I have a lot going on clothes and hair wise normally and I also don’t have a great collection of them to choose from... so it can look forced.

SarahD8

Veteran

I relate to this a lot. For me the added wrinkle is that I work at home so I am not putting on/taking off accessories before I walk out the door...more like before I walk over to my writing chair.

I think it's definitely connected to the Puritanical view that JenniNZ mentions. Like just who do I think I am, putting on earrings and lipstick to spend the day home alone? I have somewhat been able to overcome that with regard to clothing, because I know that I'm more productive if I put on "real" clothes. But somehow accessories just seem a bridge too far...

Anonymous

Ditto Liz To me the whole uber casualization "it's cool not to care" feels forced to me. The whole notion of having to "dress down" everything-with sneakers or such. For some people, I'm sure it feels natural-but it seems a lot of effort to me, with the result of feeling like a poser!
That said- sometimes accessories can be in the way, especially if you have an active job/life! Even a simple pendant will get in the way if you need to bend a lot. Scarves get caught on things. Etc...

Jaime

(website)

Veteran

I completely relate to this. In retrospect I think I avoided makeup when I was younger for a similar reason. Liz's question is brilliant. Trying too hard to what indeed!

Gretchen

Veteran

I wonder if the "try hard" feeling might also be about size or style of the accessories?

For example, today I'm wearing:
my wedding ring
my Riva ring
Silver/green earrings
silver necklace
green/gray scarf
specs

It's a lot listed out, but all are aligned in that they are smaller, more delicate pieces, which aligns with my preferred style. If instead I were trying for a layered boho style, or lots of big chunky pieces, I would feel like I was trying too hard... to achieve a look that isn't natural to me.

Firecracker (Sharan)

Veteran

Such a good question. I've often heard this phrase, not wanting to look like we're trying too hard, and I've often felt it's something I want to avoid, too. But not knowing exactly what it means makes it a difficult thing to avoid! I love Liz's advice to finish the sentence. And Nemosmom gets at a point that seems relevant to me, personally: if I'm wearing an accessory that is new or different, it can feel like I'm trying too hard. . . perhaps to look like someone else. But then, really, how do we ever move beyond what we always wear, if we criticize ourselves for trying something different? I am going to take Liz's advice and examine what I think I'm trying too hard at, the next time I throw that comment at myself!

Alicewonderland

Veteran

I think it is a matter of making sure your accessories have a clear purpose in your overall outfit. —is it complementing a neckline, or tying colors together, etc. They should look like a natural but enhancing part of the outfiit, If added to the outfit without thought to how it affects the balance of the outfit then it can draw the eye in a jarring way, which is what I think most of us think of as “trying too hard”. It’s an art i guess. In conclusion, I would say that it is possible to wear lots of accessories and not look like you’re trying too hard, yet wear few accessories and look like you are. It just depends on how it’s done. It helps a lot to take a full body selfie of your outfit with accessories to see if you like it. Focusing on useful accessories (hats, watches,) might be easier, just give them a little flair.

Liesbeth

Veteran

Such an interesting thread. As you know, I'm also not very adept at accessorizing but trying to get better. This question made me realize that I too, have some hangups. E.g. I can be happy with an accessorized outfit, and then never reach for it again because it felt more like an experiment than a signature look. But how do you develop a signature look? By experimenting probably?

There are so many ways to look at this. I probably too think accessories (especially the 'useless' ones like bracelets and necklaces) make me look like I'm trying too hard, to be fancy, or what Jenni said, like a frivolous person. I don't want those hangups to stop me from putting in the extra effort. Because in a way I AM always trying, it's just who I am :).

Then again, a signature style does not HAVE to include many accessories. Personally, I always wear statement glasses and own many pretty earstuds. I also love my wedding ring which I always wear. I have a seasonal handbag that matches my color palette (at least I try to: currently not finding my perfect handbag). Scarves are regularly in rotation even if I sometimes take 'em off indoors. All in all, that's hardly minimalist. So should I change this up? (Sorry if this is too navelgazing.)

For now, I'm sticking with experimenting a bit more, in inexpensive ways, to wear the accessories I do own more and try and 'finish' my outfits thoughtfully. This will no doubt bring me greater insight :).

Mainelady

Veteran

This is a great question. Trying to decide upon the answer to “Trying too hard to........” is tough. I really have to give some thought to when, or why I might try too hard. In general, I was raised that effort and trying your best was highly valued. Of course, a lot of that had to do with standards or expectations of others. Hmmmm..... I don’t know how this relates to accessories just yet.
I am now wondering if others view me and think I am trying too hard to.......do what? Polish an outfit? Sprinkle on some happiness? Be me? Be noticed? Other? I don’t know. I guess if people are going to judge my use of accessories, I hope they will start with my smile.

Bijou

Veteran

No, but I embrace a maximal style and love statement pieces. However, they do attract attention. Yesterday I wore some statement shoes (in finds) and about 10 people at work commented on them. To me they are pretty and fun and wearing them does not detract from my professionalism. However, I can see why others would dislike that attention.

Minimalism is elegant, so just dress in a way that makes you happy.

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lyn67

Veteran

It it feels you "too much" than probably it was so:- too much for your personality, your mood, the image you wanted to project, the environment or event you dressed for, the weather ...and so on...on THAT SPECIFIC DAY-you can try again with better results. I rather please myself and be confident by all aspects of my view and style than confront or conform anything.

ChristelJ

Veteran

So much food for thought here.
Accessories can be purely practical, but many of them are designed to call attention, in varying degrees. I am thinking of suntiger's post today on low contrast versus high contrast. Some folks are more comfortable calling attention to themselves with ornamentation. It can come down to what feels natural to a person.
For me, I appreciate when someone makes an effort to present some visual interest to the world. It's like being invited to share in someone's individual celebration. But that does not have to be in the form of accessories, or even apparel. Like Isabel, I have never actually thought anyone was trying too hard, and at the same time enjoy the range of ways people present themselves.

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