I have wondered about this for a long time but am afraid to post about it because it might hit a nerve for some folks, but it's really bothering me and I know YLF is generally a supportive place.

The question is about my friend (I'll just call her J). She is a very good friend and I care about her a lot, and she is even more of a girly girl than I am. Loves to wear makeup, loves clothes and shopping, and jewelry and shoes and bags. She is around 5'5, a size 22 and VERY apple-shaped. In fact, she carries her weight almost exclusively around the midsection but her legs are relatively slim.

Problem is, even though she says she feels fine the way she is, I know she's lying. I know because she is 25 years old and hasn't ever had a boyfriend because she says "no one ever wants her." She blames this on most men being too shallow to accept her size, but I don't think it's true. I think she just lacks the confidence to put in any effort. I have seen her avoid pursuing relationships with people she is interested in because, as she believes, they would never go for her and she would just be embarrassed. Then when they end up with someone else, she is just heartbroken, but insists she did the right thing. She has a kind of false confidence about her, if that makes sense--says she loves and accepts herself and her size, but when push comes to shove, her confidence is shaken.

I also know that contrary to what she believes, this is probably NOT "just how she is." I know she can change and that she should change. If you think I'm just being a "skinny b****" I assure you that's not it. I know it is very likely that she is the shape and size she is because of how she eats, and her lack of exercise. It worries me. Her size itself doesn't worry me. I would probably worry if she was a size 6 if her lifestyle habits were the same, but that seems very unlikely. She scoffs whenever I mention exercise (in general, not pertaining to her), and seems to be in denial about her eating habits. I know this is a very complicated issue, and many of you will say I shouldn't say anything and just be supportive. But if anything happened to her I would feel awful, and terribly guilty for sitting silently and watching it happen even though I knew something was off. Now seems like the best time to start taking control of her body and her confidence, while she's still young. It's only going to get harder as she grows older.

I also know that this isn't comfortable for her. She gets heat rashes where her arms rub against her torso, and although most people have some chafing discomfort between the thighs, hers is extreme. She seems exhausted just by climbing a few stairs. But she has accepted all of this as just a part of life.

I don't honestly care if she is a size 4 or 24. I care about her health, and it does seem to me that her size is the result of her health. If she puts some legitimate effort into a better lifestyle, and still ends up being a size 22 apple, then fine. I'll be more at ease. I can only imagine how hard it would be, and how long the process would take, but it would be worth it, I think. I read a study recently that showed that overweight and even obese people can be healthy, and the key is weight distribution. If she were a size 22 pear or hourglass, she might actually not have so much to worry about, but to carry all her weight around her vital organs doesn't sound so good.

So anyway, I wonder where do we draw the line between accepting our size and shape and being complacent about it. I don't want her to feel BAD about who she is. I don't want her to feel ashamed, ugly, or less than human. She could be any size or shape and she would still be an amazing and beautiful person and great friend. But in embracing her size, it seems like she has just accepted that she can't do any better.

I know some of you here have lost a lot of weight, or are in the process of losing weight, and I would be interested to hear what you think of all of this. Also, please understand I am not making judgments about anyone else's lifestyle, weight, or shape. I am speaking only of one specific person because I am very familiar with her, but I don't go passing judgment on people who I know nothing about. I hope I haven't said anything offensive.