A sort of funny question re: personal space. - YouLookFab Forum

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A sort of funny question re: personal space.

Peri

Veteran

I read somewhere, too long ago to remember where, that ideas about personal space are kind of geographically specific, at least in the US. The gist was that by a survey, people in the US Southeast required the most and the US Northeast the least. Other regions were somewhere in the middle. This was long before the Covid era made most of us sensitive to distance. (not everyone apparently!)

As a Southerner, I would have to agree with our results. I despise people getting in my face, and felt the same even BC19. Anyone who isn't my husband has no business getting closer to me than arms length, and that's pushing it.

A few days ago I was in a situation with several people I just met, scattered around a big area...volunteers at a thrift store, no customers, just sorting donations. I was talking to one woman and she kept getting closer, like 2 feet way and talking in my face. I would take a step back and instead of getting the hint, she would immediately take a step forward. This happened each time over at least 5 steps of me trying to put some distance between us! I gave up and went to another area as she seemed so oblivious.

So...what is a polite way to tell someone to get out of your face?! I wanted to say "just stay there, I'm backing up on purpose."! Possibly she was hard of hearing, I didn't want to be rude. (Southerner!) But I'm also not tolerant of that tiny amount of personal space that she seemed to find a-okay!

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15 replies

Latest reply was from Carol

Runcarla

Veteran

I understand your discomfort, and have a similar problem - with my mother! I’ve asked her politely to give me a little more space, but she doesn’t respect the request. I’ve found if I take a sidewise stance (making a quarter turn) vs face-to-face the closeness is tolerable.

It may have something to do with vision/focal length comfort as well.

Proxemics in communication is an interesting topic!

Suz

(website)

Veteran

What an interesting thought, Carla! I mean that focal length/ vision might play a role as well as possible hearing problems as well (or instead of) cultural differences.

The tricky thing with situations like this is they surprise you, and you have to figure out how you want to handle it on the fly, and then you are left feeling both uncomfortable and flat-footed. Not good feelings!

If she has a hearing problem, she could have communicated that (if she were not oblivious, that is...).

Maybe if you find yourself in a similar situation again, you could say, on your second attempt to create a bit of space, something like: "I'm enjoying our conversation and I'm not trying to get away from you. I'm just one of those people who needs a bit more personal room."

Of course that's assuming a nice enough but clueless person. Then there are the ones (usually male) who are very deliberate about their incursions on your space. I would not dignify them with this kind of response. To say the least.

Jaime

(website)

Veteran

Peri the title caught my eye your post really resonated - I have faced the exact same situation the thrift store where I work (what are the chances?). Another worker (who is at the cashier and really had no business standing next to me while I am sorting) got too close. Although I am not a confrontational person in general, I couldn't take it and we had an unpleasant argument. I think in this case it is more of a personality than cultural difference (although we do come from different cultures). But I am often surprised how insensitive people are to this topic. No solution, but you are not alone.

Staysfit

Veteran

I deal with personal space issues all the time with children. It’s a basic social skill we teach children and they often need constant reminders. I’m not aware of regional differences in personal space preference. However, I would not give any feedback to a stranger as the risk for a negative response is too high. Perhaps it’s unfair, but I’m going with the premise that someone who lacks a basic social skill will also lack other basic social skills and may be prone to unpredictable reactions.

Indigoprint

Veteran

I have experienced your situation often. Usually, I move away silently but have sometimes jokingly offered " Sorry, I have a big personal space you are too close" in a" it's me not you" tone. Sometimes I even lie and say "I Sorry, I'm getting over a cold, best to stay away".
However, I had not considered Staysfit thought and will reconsider how I protect my personal space.

space.

Irina

Veteran

I’m in a middle on this I do not like people to stay too close to me, so I keep a distance when in a line to a grocery checkout, for example. On another hand, I feel uncomfortable when someone starts a conversation with me from 6 feet away. Maybe it’s due to being nearsighted.

I live in a multi cultural city and think personal space is also a cultural issue. Could be a hearing issue, too. So, no, I wouldn’t want to say anything.

Olive Green

Veteran

This so reminds me of my husband’s tactic. I complained of men often standing on my heels in a wait line, huffing into the short person’s hair. He told me he turns around and asks “Am I standing where you want to be?”, in a neutral voice. They either back off or are treated to standing where I used to be. I really don’t care. We all get on the plane, or whatever.

Jenni NZ

Veteran

I don’t know? I don’t think it has been a problem for me for decades. I might just be oblivious.
When I was a young adult, a medical student, there was one guy in our class (of 120, 40 girls and 80 guys) who invaded everyone’s personal space and seemed unaware. We all talked about it and that it was creepy/yucky. Poor social skills I think. So eventually he became… a professor of psychiatry?! I haven’t seen him for 40 years.
In retrospect I think we were quite mean as young adults Hope I have got kinder.

LJP

Veteran

I face this often at work when I am giving tours of the facility - and there is no desk or counter between me and the member/prospective member. I have a real (negative) reaction to anyone standing too close to me - and I'm not worried about someone having a negative response (using Staysfit's words/comment ) to my hints to move back or an actual request to create some space. I don't do that often, but I'm not sure why we need to be worried about some person being offended ....if they are, it's on them, right ?
The few times I've had to actual say something, I usually say" I need to step back a bit, thank you ". If I'm in line and someone is breathing down my neck, I have occasionally backed up a bit into them (pretending I don't know how close they are) and that usually takes care of that! As you can see, I'm not shy about protecting my personal space. 10 years ago I would never have been this bold, but at this age now, I don't care anymore , lol.

SW Ann

Veteran

People taking up my personal space is a big pet peeve of mine. I try being nice usually once or twice, but will get more assertive the longer the situation occurs. I am speaking about strangers, lines, etc. I am cognizant in larger crowds that sometimes space is not possible and then it doesn't bother me. It's when there IS space, and they stand too close. I will usually say something like indigoprint, and that "it's me" and I need space, but I have asked people to please move back and it usually gets the point across. I also go to busy places early in the day to avoid these types of situations.

judy

Veteran

This is a fascinating topic, Peri. I did not know the word Proxemics and that it's a thing! I definitely prefer a bit of space myself.

Olive Green, “Am I standing where you want to be?”...that's brilliant. I may use that in the future, say through airport security or the supermarket checkout line. I definitely err on the side of saying something to the offender, so it's nice to have something benign to say rather than inflammatory.

Though I find where I live in New England in the US that people have a bit of Yankee reserve, and most that I deal with seem very respectful of personal space. Also, not living in a big city any more this seems less of a problem for me.

There was a Seinfeld episode about this!...the "close talker". It's hilarious of course.

Janet

(website)

Veteran

Judy, I also thought of the close-talker! LOL

I prefer a large bubble around me, and don’t like people invading my space. Difficult for someone who has gone to as many concerts as I have. I very much dislike it when people in line stand close to my back too. I’m not very practiced at direct confrontation, so I usually just grit my teeth.

In conversation, I tend to shift back slightly when someone is too close. Again, I’m not much for directness, but as I get older, I find more ways to express what I need in a way that’s polite.

texstyle

(website)

Veteran

Hearing may be the issue as I'm around a lot of seniors (well, even more senior than myself) and often they do not hear well and don't want to admit it for some reason.

For me, if it's a real issue and they can't take the hint I may just walk away and say "I've got to go do something." If they press on about what you have to do you can always use the hearing excuse above and keep walking.

Peri

Veteran

Thanks everyone! I didn't mean to post and abandon, it's just been a busy few days. I've been reading the replies though, and it's nice to know I've got so much company with wanting my space! I may feel empowered to use some of these responses next time.

Carol

(website)

Veteran

Yes, in NYC, you can march right up to a clothing rack someone is looking at and push things around right next to them. Whereas people who do this in the rest of the US are considered rude.

I do have issues with personal space, and have stepped back occasionally too much in retail work, and customers have gotten mad.

I think a great thing to do is say, "I am very worried about germs, and I like a three foot radius." If you are wearing a mask, all the better.