This is an amazing thread! I learn that we have a lot in common in spite in different views, and your views on motherhood and children are both varied, nuanced and wise. Thank you for sharing your stories.

From a quite young age I had an explicit wish for children in my life. When I discussed this with my then boyfriend, now husband, he felt it was too soon (we were 25 at the time, and I felt I was in a hurry!). Somehow he agreed to try anyway, and a few weeks later I was pregnant already. My first daughter were born, and two more followed within five years. To me, having children ultimately was about finding a deeper meaning in my life. I fully respect that others don't feel this, and I detest people who try to project their own views and feelings on others, assuming that we all feel the same way. "On yourself, you know no other" is a better guide.

My husband is a surgeon, which means that he worked A LOT when the girls were small. I felt very much alone many times, and was sooo tired at times. Later, he has been their best helper with subjects like science, math and much else, too. He has provided the best support for them. I feel that the lack of help when they were small has been evened out in the best possible way. I worked most of the time, too, but not until the youngest were 2 years old.

Now my oldest child is about to leave home for university studies. I don't get where time went, and I wholeheartedly agree that having children has become only better as they have grown up. They have become amazing young women and we have fantastic discussions and conversations. Since I'm a high school teacher, I find teenagers to be a wonderful species So much energy, enthusiasm and freshness is impossible to dislike, imo. Of course there are problems with some teens, too, but we have been very fortunate in our family. Last weekend my brother and my SIL came visiting with their newborn twins, and I find comfort in the fact that when my children are grown, I can borrow his young ones now and then. Yes, I love children, I do find having them the best that has ever happened to me, but I would never impose that on others. We all need to find our own path in life, and there is never only one correct answer.

Ingunn, thanks for that beautiful post. It must be wonderful to know and have always known that you wanted something and were able to have it.

Sometimes I feel like I have to apologize for having changed my mind about wanting children, or to qualify it with "it's lovely, BUT...". And I know women who have made the choice not to have children also feel put upon to explain their choices all the time. Just like working vs. staying at home, there's always someone who has to preach that only their way is right.

That's something else I love about YLF - the non-judgmental perspectives.

I don't have children but I've always assumed I will one day though I still have no maternal desire. I was incredibly offended recently when the topic came up at a drunken meal with some sailing friends of BF's and one of the women kept going on about biological clocks and almost insisting I should just get on with it! I'm too selfish with my life at the moment, I like to be able to go out at the drop of a hat, sleep in late at the weekends etc. I enjoy spending time with children I adore my cousins children whom I spend a week at a time with during school holidays and I work with children but I'm more than happy to hand them back. Working with children I see the results of poor home lives and I don't want children until I'm 100% ready. At 33 I've made peace with the fact that I may never get that maternal desire and that if it does hit I may then be too old to get pregnant anyway x

Very interesting thread, thanks for sharing your stories! I can only echo Una and say that it's awesome to get these non-judgmental perspectives on YLF.

I definitely like kids and want to have my own someday. I have three younger siblings and always liked helping with them. I'm not sure I can say why I want to have my own children exactly, but the wish is definitely there. I always thought I wanted to start early, but because I don't have anyone I can't really see it happening in the near future. I just hope I'm going to find someone I want to spend my life with and it will all work out.

Wow, a lot of great insights here. I got hit with a killer atypical migraine here this morning, so this may be a bit incoherent.
I've been told that I would be a good mother. But the way my dating life is going it may not happen. I'm 40, so I would be advanced maternal age even if someone comes around rather soon. I know too many struggling single mothers to go that route. I decided long ago that if I was going to have children it would be in a stable committed relationship.
Recently I visited a friend of mine who just had a baby. I held the baby but nothing really kicked in as far as baby wantsies. I'm not sure what to make of the lack of feeling.

Very interesting read so far. Okay here's mine...

I knew at a very young age that I would not choose to have children. I can actually remember talking about it with my girlfriends when I was like 12 or 13. I didn't have a great childhood and I think I decided that I would figure out a way to always be in control of my life. Having kids to me meant losing control. At least that's what I witnessed from my own mom, many of my friend's moms, and then my older sister who had her first at 18. They were all so dependent on the wrong men for their entire financial existence.

I moved far away and began working at a young age. I suppose I just kept on with my original life plan. I lived in a big growing city and it was gritty, fast paced and very maturing. I ended up running a small business with my DH when I was 19. I've never regretted my decisions. I thought way back when I was maybe 25 that one day if I felt the strong desire to be a mother I would adopt. But that never happened. I have been very content with the life me and DH have built. We've had multiple businesses during our lives so far. Employing others in a small business is similar to parenting in many cases. I guess I have gotten a taste of it this way. For many years we spent 40 hours or more a week with them in pretty close quarters.

There are so many people who want to be parents, and I think that is great. But I do not think it is the ultimate measure of one's purpose in life or in one's ability to feel love and compassion.

When I was younger, sometimes other people would try to make me feel "guilty" or "selfish" for making the choice not to have children. They would say mean things like "So you don't like kids?" or "Isn't it pretty selfish not to want children?" The world is quite overpopulated and many children go hungry and live in horrid conditions, so I've always held that if it were a question of selflessness, everyone would adopt instead of having their own until all the children were cared for properly.

I love this forum so much. So many different perspectives and stories, but so much respect. Thank you all for sharing.

You know, I don't think I was born to breed - as this psycho girl I once worked with put it. (Aside: she would go around with a big smile saying "I WAS BORN TO BREED." This isn't what made her psycho. Saying she was a baker when she wasn't, saying she could speak French when she couldn't, and telling us the FBI raided her house was what made her psycho.) I do feel a clock ticking, but it's not very motivational. I'm not against it, I just don't have that "born to breed" feeling. I wouldn't do anything to be pregnant, and I sometimes feel that maybe you have to want things that much for them to happen.

I do think I was born to be a mother tho, strangely enough. Maybe, actually, I don't feel I was born to breed because I got a child without having to be pregnant or adopt or get married - and that was enough to take it all out of me. Lol. They say your brain gets rewired, even without having been pregnant, if you take on a baby/child.

I have very mixed feelings about the idea that motherhood is the ultimate experience and you gain some secret knowledge, depth of soul. It is a very good way to meet your maker. Also, I have serious doubts as to whether or not a person can be considered an adult if they don't feel and take responsibility for children. I mean, my neighbor went to help a kid who got separated from his parents and fell. Well, this person going by steps over the child, and my neighbor is all, Hey this kid has fallen down! And do you know what this dude says? He says, It's okay, it's not my kid.

That's a complete WTF.

But on the other hand, there are a lot of people who are simply delusional about parenthood and themselves. You have the ones who pontificate about the humbling experience, but they are never humbled enough to do right by their children. Or you have the other ones who talk about multiplying being their great work, but let's be honest people, it does not take a genius to get knocked up. It is not an achievement to have a passel of kids who do all your housework. Well, it's not your achievement anyways.

I have one last thought: It's not clear to me that our choices are what we tend to think they are. We don't really decide to have kids or not and then have them or not accordingly. It seems to me we make choices and then see what the universe bothers to deliver. Honestly my plans, lukewarm as they may have been, definitely involved at least one free dinner before any kids entered the picture...

Really terrifically interesting thread! Makes me love YLF all the more!

I never really thought about whether or not I'd have kids. And when DH and I got married, we said "well, if God gives us kids, great. If not, great.". We both come from large families, so figured it was likely, I think. But that's about as far as our thought process went.

And I remember being pregnant with my first, and worried that I wouldn't love him, or that I'd regret having kids, and so on. I had no idea how much it's possible to give of ones self. For me, it's this learning to give, and the learning to live for something other than myself that makes parenting worth it. Sure, I could have learned it some other way - and I know lots of people who have. But I learned it by becoming a mother, and I'm so grateful for my littles and the growth they've caused in me.

Not to mention that they're an absolute delight. They currently range in age from 10 to 3, and I love every stage we've had so far, but do admit that I'm bracing myself a bit for five teenagers at once....

I am really enjoying reading all the wisdom and insight in this thread!
I always wanted kids and I was absolutely blessed to have four of them in about 6 years (starting with first one about 9 months after our wedding). However, those years are a bit of a blur now, marked as they were by fatigue, post-partum depression and anxiety. In retrospect, I think some of those pregnancies deprived the older kids of some attention, but I was also blessed to have a lot of family support and the financial security to get outside help if I needed it, so we got through it alright. But I still feel bewildered when people tell new mothers to "enjoy their newborns". I tolerated mine most of the time - enjoyment was somewhat scarce. Now, I still find parenting to be overwhelming at times. Just seems impossible to give everyone the attention they need or want - like so many things there is a bottomless pit of demands and guilt when they are not met. But the same could be said for my career goals, fitness goals, etc. To be a woman is to strive for perfection.

I have one last thought: It's not clear to me that our choices are what we tend to think they are. We don't really decide to have kids or not and then have them or not accordingly. It seems to me we make choices and then see what the universe bothers to deliver.

Spot on, Rachylou! I've always been secretly amazed that I've managed to raise two smart, intelligent men who are a credit to their father and me. I made a lot of choices which turned out, in retrospect, to be good ones (my best one probably being to marry a man who is an amazing father!) The universe was gentler to me than to some of my friends whose children are fighting drug addictions or are struggling with other problems.

It's a big decision to choose to have a child; I don't know if I'd ever had had the courage especially if I was older and could understand all of the implications. Having children was personally a good thing for me, but I'd definitely not recommend it wholeheartedly as a lifestyle that would work for everyone. Children are not accessories or pieces of clay to molded into whatever you want; they are unique individuals with their own issues, problems, talents, and aspirations. Watching them grow and change is utterly fascinating and humbling but, as a parent, you do hold your breath a lot hoping that everything will turn out well. The universe is a fickle companion.

Gaylene and Rachy, so true. The universe messes with you in ways you never expect - sometimes my friends and I refer to it as the "Church of Random &*$%". My sister and I were due a month apart, thrilled to be pregnant together, and then she had a full term stillbirth the month before I had my son. We could not believe that in this day and age, in New York, under the best medical care, a baby could just be lost. Sometimes your number just comes up and you're THAT person, with that bad luck.

Thankfully, she went on to have two wonderful healthy boys in our little wolf pack.

Such wonderful stories! I do not like babies. I know that sounds awful. When I was pregnant I want to be an elephant and carry them for two years. I HATE diapers so when I decided to have my second, I made the decision on 'diaper years'. They are 16 months apart. Only 3 1/2 years of diapers. Oh, but the terrible twos are the best. And teenagers, I just love them. I also worked because I would have been a terrible mother if I did not. Sometimes I felt guilty because I did not feel guilty about not wanting to stay home with my kids. Looking back now, I think of all that wasted energy feeding the guilt.

Oh, deb. I have to tell you, I remember the year my mother did the stay-at-home thing. So seriously not for her. I was like, this woman needs to get back to work, haha!

Actually, you know, they say humans are an allo-parenting species. Babies are not raised solely by the people who, for lack of a better term, breed them. Breeding and parenting are not synonymous, which I find interesting. All adults are supposed to have a parental attitude for all children. If there's a child nearby, you are supposed to be keeping an eye out for them. With our modern nuclear family structure, we don't think of it all this way - everything is to fall on the shoulders of just two people - but that is how we're geared.

I was in NYC on September 11th and as I watched the buildings fall down I realized that life was short and that I wanted a baby.

My kid is my favorite person on earth and always has been. She is my joy. I do sometimes wish I could have had another, but that is just greed. I am truly blessed.

I would never tell anyone they must have children or judge them because they don't. I do rather wonder about the ones who have dozens they made themselves, however.

What a wonderful thread..thank you Una and all the ladies who have responded. It is really touching.

I have a couple of friends ( several actually ) who have decided against kids. I think that they are extraordinarily brave because they get labelled as "selfish" despite the fact that they are being ultimately selfless. They have recognized that they want other things and they feel it wouldn't be fair to a child.

I never really thought much about it. It was almost as if things would happen by osmosis without much thought. I definitely didn't have any "maternal" feelings. Sometimes, I feel that I lack them now, too. I thought about a "family" but I never really thought about having a child. I certainly had no idea about the work and commitment involved. I always loved children, though. I spent my summers in high school working at a Head Start Program. I saw many abused children ( I will never forget a four year old that I had that couldn't talk and had cigarette burns all over his back. I discovered them one day and reported it. It turned out it was his mother's boyfriend doing it.....and the boyfriend threatened to sue the Program. It was awful ). I got pretty early on the magnitude of getting it right. But I didn't know what that meant or what it entailed. I definitely wasn't maternal...I think I felt more like a caretaker.

When I was about 20, I was told that I would probably never have kids ( because of endometriosis ). It didn't really bother me. From that point on, if I thought of kids in my future, I always thought of adopted children. Adoption was not something that was done in my culture because God decided who had children and who didn't . But while in college, I knew many adopted people and they were so wonderful that it just seemed natural to me. One couple that attended the same church, heard of a family of 8 children in Honduras that were orphans and no one wanted the older kids, so they adopted all of them. One the oldest, 12 at the time, missed his friends terribly, they went back and adopted his 2 best friends from the same orphanage. I used to babysit and spend time with the children because I spoke a little Spanish and they liked "teaching" me. It was such a happy and wonderful family. I saw no difference at all between adopted and biological children. ( The couple had 4 biological children. )

Then I got married ( at 32 ) and my husband really wanted a biological child. I could have gone right for adoption. So we tried for 6 years. Including all kinds of medical intervention including IVF. It was really tough on my body. At one point I miscarried at 16 weeks. It ended up being very complicated because I ended having major surgery because it wouldn't expel.

My doctor finally said no more. So, finally , my DH agreed to adoption. I filled out the paperwork. The day I was going to mail it in the application, my doctor called. He sounded stunned, I thought it was bad news, but he told me that I was pregnant. Spontaneously.

I feel a lot of pressure for getting my kids ready for life. I feel as if there is so much to squeeze in in 18 years, that I possibly can't do it. I worry about who will be there for them, if they will have good friends, people that they can count on. I want them to be good friends. I want them to be happy and not worry about keeping up with Joneses. My son has been so much work because he is on the autism spectrum. So I feel a special sense of urgency for him. It has been especially hard because of my burst artery and then the cancer. I want my kids to remember me well..and not think of their childhood as one medical problem after another and pill after pill.

Oh, and I don't want either one on the X Factor......or to be like Kim Kardashian.

I also want to say that the one thing I NEVER saw myself doing was not working. That was so out of left field for me. But I knew that I didn't want to be away from my son so much. My mom and dad loved it. They would have had my baby just move in. My dad retired once my son was born so that he could be with him...but for the first year of his life, my son and I shared almost nothing together.

So this is still weird to me after 10 years ! Wow, I cannot believe I just wrote that....I have been a SAHM for 10 years. My uncle recently said to my mom, " What a waste of an education..."

Thank you for starting this thread Una.
I loved to read everyone's comments, all of us have different stories and perspectives and we wish for different things in our lives. It is certainly sad how in our daily life women feel compelled almost to talk by script, and I am afraid that I also do it sometimes because I don't expect such profound answers as the ones you all gave here.
I always wanted to have children and I guess the part that fascinated me the most(and still does) was being pregnant.It is a process that I find almost miraculous and I always had a feeling that the connection you would feel with your baby would be something unique.
But for great part of my life, until I actually tried to get pregnant in my early 30's I could not be certain that I could have children due to some ovarian issues. So for me when people around me talked about having children, especially when the grandparents in waiting seemed to think that the only good reason for DH and I to have gotten married was to have babies it hurt. Firstly because my worth was reduced to my ability to procreate and secondly because nobody (except DH) cared what impact not being able to get pregnant would have in me.
Eventually I did get pregnant, loved being pregnant and love my DD.
I stayed home and feel very blessed for that opportunity.
I love kids , I find them fascinating. But this is not the only thing that defines me and people seem to think it is.And I am not always in motherly mode making sweet noises every time I see a baby .
The only way I can get people of talking of other things to me sometimes is to find strangers who don't know that I have a family, otherwise they seem to think that the only thing I want to talk about is kids.
Back home I have friends without children and although we have talked about the reason why it was always out of curiosity or wanting to know each other better, never because I thought that every woman destiny is to have babies.
And if some of them suddendly decided that after all they were going to have kids I would not think that they had to excuse themselves for 'changing their minds'.
I'm sorry if I rambled.

I was extremely leery of having a baby... right up until I was pregnant by choice and a good while of trying! Then it just felt like the coolest science experiment ever and for tje first time I was delighted with my choice. Growing up and in my younger years, I never thought I'd do this. Didn't want to. Was unmoved by babies except to find them scary or boring. I had social and genetic issues as well... both of my first cousins on my mum's side are severely challenged. Plus one is v severely epileptic and the other autistic! Did not like this genetic soup. And knew I'd hv guardianship of both somewhere down the line. Already responsibility enough. Terrifying! But always thought if I found a partner willing to take on all of this...which too I was pretty sure was a forlorn hope...I'd adopt if he wanted kids. Or we wouldn't if he wasn't terribly keen. Thought odds were someone willing to take on the family scene would be unconventional enough to not want kids really. Our culture does not, for the most part, deem 'no kids' a choice--as Una will testify I think. There's sort of no pressure about the if; that is a given so it's only about the when. Then I met my partner and we got together after we thrashed out my future responsibilities. Was shocked to hear a few years later that he wanted kids... I hadn't even asked. And wait! He rather strongly wanted a biological offspring! O went into shocked denial, convinced relationship a huge mistake. But we managed to thrash it out--agreeing to make one and find one. Still wasn't sure I actually could handle it. Still not sure in truth. But it's been both less boring and less onerous than expected. But also, yes, sometimes still bored or feeling like a fish out of water inflicting cruel and unusual punishment on the poor mite who won't hv a truly maternal mummy. And yes, fully expect to relate better after talking and toilet training achieved. Diapers are still partner's primary duty. However, now at times I stare and am fascinated by how cool babies are and what a miracle I've made. Not in a cute ooey-gooey way but just the way they are wired and the way they grow... ans force you to grow right alongside. V v cool.

Wow, continue to be blown away by the responses on this thread and how many did not feel that NEED to have children (if you did, please share as that is totally understandable too!).

Manidipa, yes, the pressure to get married and then to have children in Indian families is beyond belief. My own parents weren't so bad, but my AUNTS! And every other uncle and auntie whether related by blood or not. There is a situation in my extended family right now that I find appalling because of this kind of pressure to marry at all costs... I understand it from an anthropological perspective, but living through it is another story!

I never received a lot of family pressure to marry and have children; in fact, both of my parents encouraged me and my sisters to have careers and go out in the world. I'd always loved kids and actually liked to babysit as a teen, but I never ever thought about getting married and having kids. Not at all!

As it turned out, DH and I met in college and married a couple of years after graduation. We were in no hurry to have kids, although we both admitted to wanting to try at some point. Because we married so young, I never felt like I had to hurry....which was good because I didn't want a baby back then! As I neared age 30, though, I actually did feel a biological urge to have a baby, and we both felt the emotional desire to expand our lives to include a child. So, after being married for 7 years we decided to have a baby, our son who is now 21. We were very lucky to not have any fertility problems, and my pregnancy was an uncomplicated--and even exciting--time for us.

So, we had a baby......and never wanted another! We were very happy with our family of three. DH worked long hours, and we had no family close by to help out with babysitting. One child felt like enough; it didn't seem necessary to have another just to fit some preconceived idea of what a perfect family was: you know, one boy and one girl. One just worked for us.

So, we were fine with our decision, but WOW society was not. I received plenty of negative reactions--some subtle, some not so subtle--for having "only" one child. Friends, family, and even strangers weighed in on the dangers of spoiled only children, or warned me that he would be lonely, etc. One family member actually told me we were "just playing house" if we didn't have more than one child. (Seriously!?) I can honestly say that I received more pressure to have a second child than I EVER received to have one in the first place.

Such a tricky issue. So many preconceived notions about what's "right."

Ugh. Nancylee--this is a pet peeve of mine. I have not personally had pressure on me to produce a second kid, but I really take issue with this complete falsehood that only children are disadvantaged and end up spoiled or with emotional issues. It's true that there are adjustments they sometimes have to make (going to college and having roommates, etc). But the ones I've seen, including my daughter, have been incredibly well-turned out.

One of the benefits of having a kid at the age of 40 is that people don't ask you, much less pressure you, about having another! They figure she was pretty much a miracle anyway. Also, when kiddo attended independent (i.e. non-parochial) private schools, a lot of the other kids were *onlies* so she had plenty of company. It is pretty hard to afford $15K - $30K tuition per year for multiple kids when college tuition is still coming up.

I don't remember ever thinking about having kids, till my senior year of college when I got a job being a 20-hour-a-week nanny to an 18 month old girl. I fell in love, and knew I wanted kids. I was already dating someone I would soon marry. I had my two DDs by the time I was 26.

I have to admit I did sort of pressure someone to have kids once. In my defense: (1) I was young; (2) it was my oldest friend (known since age 9); and (3) I turned out to be right. She was getting her doctorate at an Ivy League institution and informed me she didn't want kids. I told her to think carefully about this decision (there, that was all). Twenty years later she had eight years of infertility treatments and finally produced a healthy daughter at age 50 (I was there, it really happened!) She is now a single mother to a lovely 3-year-old and I have never heard her complain once about how hard it is.

For me the biggest thing about being a mother isn't the range of emotions, or even the gratification, but the sense of purpose. Through the years of raising my daughters I sometimes didn't really like my life, but I knew with 100% certainty that what I was doing was what I was supposed to be doing. Now that my daughters are grown, I miss that sense, even though I have a career and a religious faith. It's not the same. I don't know when I'll be a grandma, but I can't help wondering if some of that sense will then return. (No pressure, girls. I can wait till the time is right!)

I have not been around much these days, due to time constraints, and although this thread caught my eye a few days ago, I have not yet had time to read through the many comments. I'm looking forward to doing so, but I'm going to write my own response first.

I was not the type of young woman who dreamed of being a mother. I didn't play with dollies as a child. I don't remember thinking about it too deeply, but although I wasn't dead set against motherhood, it just seemed so, so far off in the future, and not something important in the here and now. I would decide later. Much later.

But I did have them eventually. I think the main reason was that I married a man whom I knew would make an excellent father. We had been together for many years -- nearly a decade -- before we decided that maybe having a baby would be fun. At first I thought I would take a brief break from my career and have just one, and if it went well, I would consider a second.

I was young for my peer group, only 31, when our daughter was born. I know this isn't particularly young for a first-time mother, but none of my pre-baby friends had kids yet, and most of them lived back in Vancouver anyway and I was starting a new chapter in California, where my husband had started a new job. I had no idea what I was doing. I felt almost laughably incompetent. But, as it turned out, it WAS fun. Enough fun that, four years (to the day) later, I gave birth to a son.

Like you, what I was NOT prepared for was the whole new world of worry that comes with being a parent. Stuff happens, bad stuff, that I cannot foresee or prevent. I cannot protect my children from everything, and even if I could, I shouldn't, because I want them to experience life fully. I try not to let it overcome me; life is for the living, and when your number's up, it's up. But I have come to realize that the worry is not going to stop when they're older, when they are adolescents, or even when they're adults. I'm going to have a constant maternal antenna up, paying attention, cranking out low-level anxiety, for the rest of my life. I don't know that anyone can really prepare you for that.

In retrospect, I think my real reasons for choosing to have a first child were as follows:

1. Husband who was clearly cut out for fatherhood

2. Biological urge, subtler but just as real as the urge to eat, sleep or have sex

And if I'm honest with myself, my reasons for having a second, after experiencing motherhood, were different:

1. Highly positive experience with first child

2. It almost seems silly to say this, but I realized that a child gives me a chance at immortality that I might not otherwise get. The only other way to live on after you are gone, and all those who knew you personally are gone, is to contribute something to the greater culture that puts you, either through greatness or infamy, in the history books. And although I can make a positive difference to the people around me while I am alive, I am unlikely to make a lasting cultural contribution. I am not religious or even a tiny bit spiritual. I cannot imagine how a person's thoughts can possibly survive the death of their brain. Once you're dead, you're dead. There are only two ways to live on. Children are the simpler option.

3. Realization that a child gives me a real, biological connection. Most people take this for granted, but I was an adopted child, and while I love my (adoptive) family and have no desire to seek out my biological one, it's somehow wonderful to know that I have an intimate relationship with two little people to whom I am also biologically related. My kids are the ONLY people in my life who fit that description. Without them, I am a genetic island. My children also deepen the connection with my husband's family; I am now permanently connected to them, too, in a way that I wasn't when I was a wife but not yet a mother.

Phew. That was long. Now I'm going to read everyone else's comments!

I've never heard the clock ticking, honestly. I'm 47. If I hear it now, it will be a little too late to have a bio-kid. That said, my cousin got pregnant accidentally on a first date when she was 42. She had the kid, who is turning out great, especially with all the attention he receives. The father is a great guy, and although he and my cousin didn't make a romance work, they remain friends and he is very active in the child's life. My cousin met his new (at the time) girlfriend a few years back, and hit it off with her right away. So yay for all that! Anyway, I don't think my cousin had a huge desire to have kids, and at her age she kind of assumed it wasn't going to happen. But it did, and it's been a good thing after all.

I've always thought that if the urge to mother someone became strong enough, I would prefer to adopt an older child that might have less of a chance at finding a home. But that the desire would need to be strong before I did this. And I would need to be in a position where I had enough financial and emotional support to be able to focus on the child. This is one thing I would never want to do half a$$ed.

Currently, I'm dating a guy who has already had children with a former wife and a former girlfriend. I've met all of his important exes now (former wives, girlfriends and fiances), and we have all gotten along very well. His kids, who are in their teens and early 20's now, are all terrific people. They are the kind of kids I would have wanted to have, if I had wanted kids...if that makes sense. So, whatever urge to procreate he may have had has been satisfied. So, there is no angst in our relationship about whether we should have kids or not.

I think it is wonderful that something so huge that you weren't planning on, turned out to be so emotionally satisfying. This is a good thread, too, so thank you for starting it.

Also...

I didn't get any pressure from my parents or close relatives to have kids. In fact, my mother told me that she was pressured to have a second child after having me, pressure that she resisted. She said that after having me, she was satisfied. So, she made a conscious decision to never pressure me about having kids. All she ever wanted was for me to be happy. I think I'm lucky to have her as a mother.

Una, I think you recounted that exact story in SoCal, and it was so helpful. Wise words from your pal, and from you. I appreciate women like you, mothers or no, who feel that there is room for EVERY woman to make that decision on her own without being judged.

I'm now thinking I probably will want kids and could be a decent mom - but not right now. But I've never had that biological clock or major drive to be a parent, and if for some reason it turns out not to be possible to biologically have a baby, I'm not sure if I would mind or not, and if so what steps I'd be willing to take.

I'll cross that bridge when I get to it, I guess.

Such interesting stories! I always knew I would have kids but never had a deep desire for them (or against them either). Which sounds odd. I don't particularly like kids and never have. I've never been all that comfortable around them. But my mom always told me she didn't like kids except her own. I figured I was the same as her and I was right. I've thoroughly enjoyed my children at every age so far, even when they were newborns (so warm and snuggly).

The reason I have kids is my husband. He absolutely loves kids and I would never have denied him the opportunity to have kids when I didn't have strong feelings one way or the other about having or not having them.

I am so glad I found this thread; it was so therapeutic for me to read through all of your posts.

My quick story is that I found out I couldn't have children at 27 yrs old after being married for 3 years. I was devastated to say the least and spent the next many years trying to come to terms with it. We considered adoption but finally decided that it wasn't for us. At some point I was able to focus on the great life that DH and I were building although that ache would pop up every once in awhile. 10 years later DH and I decided we would investigate options one more time before we hit our 40's. We made an appt with a fertility specialist and 4 months later I was pregnant via IVF and donor eggs. Now we have 8 month old Annie who is the sweetest thing I've ever laid eyes on.

Having my daughter has enriched my life in ways I couldn't have imagined and has healed me. But I would never say that someone has to have kids to have a completed life. For one I don't believe it and for another, that is one of the most unfeeling, damaging things you can say to someone who wants children but is not able. The truth is that the human experience is so varied that there is is no way a blanket statement like that is applicable.

I am also interested to read how many of you only have one child. In the next few years we will have to make the decision whether to try for one more. From the reactions we get when we say we may just have one you'd think we had decided to raise a monster! I'm happy to hear that so many of your only children are well balanced, happy adults and I may be coming back to this forum for advise in the next couple years!