A little life update

Helena

Hi YLF fam, and a belated happy Easter/happy spring/happy autumn, depending on where you are and what you celebrate!

Just a quick life update from me, mainly to try and articulate for myself what's in my head, but if you have the patience to read, thank you xx

I've mentioned a few times that the menopause/midlife struggle has been real, and I'm really in the soup tbh. My youngest heads for uni in the fall, my oldest will be halfway done his degree, and time marches on. I'm a few years into menopause and seem to being hit with a storm of fluctuating emotions. One day I'm fine, the next I'm crying, the next I'm so tense I feel my bones are being compressed by my muscles. With DD moving, I'm really feeling a lack of purpose and direction - completely without a compass. And the worst of it is - my life is so good. We are safe, we have stability, we are healthy, we have a loving family. I have every element of joy except the ability to feel it right now, which given the state of the world, seems absolutely hideous of me, but here I am. Anyways, I've just started with a therapist which I'm hoping will help, and I know everything will settle in time, but for now, I'm finding it hard.

Open to any advice, books, podcasts, things you did during your own difficult times that you might want to share. But mainly thanks for listening if you made it through. xoxo

5 days ago

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30 replies

Latest reply was from Staysfit

Star (Lise)

Veteran

Happy Easter Helena! I'm sorry to hear of your struggles. Good that you seeing a therapist to work through changes. Have you had your hormone levels checked? Unbalanced hormones can play havoc with your emotions, as well as having physical implications.

5 days ago

catherine

Veteran

Helena, sending good thoughts your way. It sounds really difficult.

4 days ago

judy

Veteran

First of all, I am so sorry you are going through this and good for you for reaching out.

Parenthood is unique because if we do it well, it puts us out of a "job", doesn't it. We love to see them do well, AND it's also okay to have many different feelings about it, and some..maybe most... we can't share with them at all! At some fundamental level for us, it IS a loss of a role or how we oriented our whole life. New things do come, but it's okay to grieve the parts of our life that change.

Coupled with the loss of vitalizing hormones, it can compound the feelings. I'm well past menopause now. I did not use HRT but I have been hearing of some very good, even life changing experiences of it via scrolling on social media...even questioning some of the data that had deterred women from using it in the past. We all know how hormones have such a huge effect on us and when they change in menopause it is a really big deal for most of us. There are definitely mental as well as physical symptoms.

I don't have any specific links to offer, but wishing you all the best!

4 days ago

Debbie

Veteran

I am so sorry you are going through this. Explore options both HRT and not. The best advice I can give you is to find a therapist. I cannot tell you how valuable it has been to me.

4 days ago

slim cat

Veteran

Happy Easter!
Just sharing my journey with menopause - HRT was life saver for me ( I did 5 years - wish I could do more but lost medical insurance and could not afford it for full price ). Good doctor is vital in this situation - some are very reluctant to prescribe HRT and not willing to talk about it at all.
Being able to talk and share the struggle - is still relevant today even though my mood swings and heat flashes are very diminished now.
Other things - simple but helpful is being outside ( parks, nature ), finding little distractions ( mine is anime - lol ), travel/change of place.
Hugs, stay hopeful.

4 days ago

Helena

Veteran

Thank you ladies ... Judy, yes you nailed it. It's not just the 'role' change, it's literally the day to day compass being gone - I'm so used to orienting myself around busy kids, which I loved! Now I have a free day and I feel completely lost in terms of anything fulfilling I know 'this too shall pass' but it's really been more difficult that I anticipated.

Thanks everyone for the thoughts around hormones ... I'm of two minds; part of me wants to push for it, part of me is worried about messing around and potentially destabilizing myself further, as happened with birth control for me (it really messed with my anxiety levels, which my doctor said was impossible, but that's what I experienced).

Anyways, I mostly just really appreciate the support ... you are a wonderful group. Thank you all xoxo

4 days ago

Peri

Veteran

Please check out the podcast "UnPaused" by Dr Mary Claire Haver. She is one of the many active medical professionals in the "new" conversation about peri-menopause and menopause. From your post, I think you will feel like she is talking about your life.

Unfortunately for me, I was in the generation done totally dirty by the WHI study. I was on HRT right after menopause but then the study got all that sensational press and we were all basically yanked off of it. My Dr at the time, since retired, tried to convince me to stay on and even said "in 10-15 years we are going to be finding that study has done women a huge disservice". He was downright prophetic.

My current Dr is up on newer research and had no issues prescribing me HRT even at 65 and 15 years post meno. Unfortunately though, I am past the best window and all I can hope for with it now is to slow down the onset of health problems that likely could have been so much more effectively treated if all the mistakes in that study had been better understood. I am getting some life help from the HRT at least...sleeping well for the first time in 15 years and I have stopped feeling so freaking hot all the time. I was past the flashes, but my inner thermostat was just permanently turned to burning. I feel so much better now, but I also know that if I hadn't been caught in that WHI study mess I could actually be better.

Not really meaning to push hormones, I know it's a personal decision. I just wish I had been able to have today's more considered information back when I most needed it instead of hitting menopause right at the time of such a majorly flawed and media twisted study. So give UnPaused a listen. At the very least, it will make you feel not alone.

4 days ago

judy

Veteran

I know what you mean about hormones, Helena. I was prescribed, just a few years ago in my late 60's, a bit of estrogen cream for vaginal prolapse issues. But even that small amount of estrogen made me so grumpy and probably as you say, anxious. It made made me actually grateful not to have those hormones any more, which I think caused me quite a bit of issues in my younger life. Probably could have done more to add other hormones to balance it all, but I just didn't have it in me.

It does seem like you are grieving a life you loved...and did so well! Children do still need us, though the form changes. They only have one mum! The emptiness that can be felt in the absence of so much former activity and caretaking can be really disorienting. I feel like this kind of shift takes some time to recalibrate our nervous system. Good for you for seeking a therapist to help.

I've noticed that our minds can be happy about something...in your case, your children's new activities...but our bodies can feel something different. My sister was really happy about her son's wedding when it happened a few years ago, but she also went into a depression in the nine months leading up to it that she didn't understand until much later when she realized at some level she was sad to let him go and wasn't really facing that. She did get over it...or maybe through it, but she said it was very challenging. All this to say, we all need help with life changes!

4 days ago

JAileen

Veteran

I’m so sorry you are going through this. We only had one kid, and during his last couple of years of high school, while he was stretching his wings, he was extremely obnoxious and I was glad to shove him out the nest! Now, years later, he is lovely again. The suggestions for therapy and hormones are very good. I hope they work.

4 days ago

SarahD8

Veteran

Helena I'm so sorry that you're struggling with all this.

A possibly funny thought that came to mind: One of the most wholesome trends apparently going around among the young 'uns right now is the idea of a personal curriculum -- where you basically design a course of study for yourself on some topic you are interested in. This short YouTube video explains it pretty well I think.

I wonder if experimenting with something like that could be a fun, low-stakes way to harness your organizational skills (which I know are strong!) to start exploring what interests you and lend some structure to the chauffer-duty-less days. The way she describes it there is really no need for a long-term commitment to any of it...just giving things a try and seeing what, if anything, sparks.

I am another for whom HRT (which I never thought I would use, I am the daughter of a breast cancer survivor) has been very helpful indeed. Happy to discuss more but you've already gotten lots of feedback on this topic and don't want to be a pusher lol.

4 days ago

Irina

Veteran

Helena, hugs! I so feel for you!

I remember the time when we became empty nesters. We felt proud of our son becoming an adult and moving on with his life. At the same time, I also felt kind of abandoned. Which was not the case, we are very close but it was definitely an adjustment.

As for HRT, it helped me tremendously with hot flashes and especially with my anxiety (it got really difficult in my first years of menopause). I’ve been doing it for 10 years and thought I would be taken it forever. But I started having serious issues last year and I’m in a process of decreasing the dosage and hopefully will be able to stop this year. There are some anxiety medications that also help with hot flashes. They unfortunately didn’t work for me but it’s definitely worth trying.

4 days ago

Indigoprint

Veteran

What you are feeling is so real. Kids leaving home is a major life change along with what your body is experiencing .
HRT therapy has helped me more than I can say. Time helps too, big transitions take time to sort out and establish new routines. It's a good time to indulge in yourself since your kids require less attention from you.

4 days ago

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

Helena, sending hugs and good spirits your way. I can only imagine how tricky empty nesting can be. A myriad of emotions, on top of menopause!

And another endorsement for HRT. I am on the smallest possible dose - 2 years now - and it's life changing.

4 days ago

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Helena, I'm so sorry you are going through a tough time with all of this. It's really good that you've found a therapist. That's a smart place to start.

Like Peri and a few others here, I was not allowed HRT because my mother had breast cancer and I am part of the cohort that was denied for that reason, and now I believe I'm past the window. So no advice from me on that, but I will say I know of others it has helped.

You're facing the loss of a vital life role (or at least a major change in the role) and don't forget, it is not so long ago that you also lost your own mother. That's a lot to process.

I believe you are still working, right? Work does provide some of the daily structure. But maybe it doesn't provide the same sense of meaning that caring for the kids has provided. As judy said, they will still need you! Just differently. But it can be hard to recognize that in your bones. There's a hole in your world.

You'll find your way out of this slump, I'm sure. Hoping some glimpses of joy begin to return to you very soon.

4 days ago

avicennia

Veteran

So many good thoughts here. I also have found a dose of progesterone (HRT) to be very helpful. I’m a bit on the older mum side: so still have a young teen at home. As they have become more independent I’m enjoying the freedom to do things on my own. Perhaps you have old interests you might pick up again? *All this talk of HRT brings to mind the BBC program Riot Women.

4 days ago

Jenni NZ

Veteran

Well I was in the cohort that HRT was thought to be possibly dangerous to, as that study (WHI) came out 2002 and I went through menopause 2007 when I was 46. So I didn’t take HRT. As a Dr I was influenced by the study although tried not to stop women’s HRT too quickly as it made them feel bad to do so. But my mood became very affected by the hormonal changes and an SSRI antidepressant really helped my anxiety which was the worst part of the mental health issues. I have tried 3 different ones (paroxetine, fluoxetine, citalopram) but liked citalopram the best. I also had therapy, twice, once in 2009 for a time and once in 2012 for a time when there was also work stress. The therapist drew me an amazing diagram about my cycle of thinking related to my perfectionism. A good side effect was that SSRI meds can help hot flushes (we call them that, I think you might call them hot flashes).
I think as mothers our role keeps changing as they age and I feel for me losing control over what happened to them (especially who they fall in love with and where they decide to settle) was difficult as I am something of a control freak! With a side of OCD, how many other Fabbers do you know who track their wears for nearly 10 years like me! But I have got way better with the lack of control over their lives over the years and feel my relationship with my own children is better than I had with my very critical mother.
So I think there are options for medication whether HRT or not, and the therapy should help. A book by Brene Brown called “The Woman in the Mirror” I think was quite useful to me, and another Christian based book by Cloud and Townsend (?) called “Boundaries”. Even though I was also losing my faith at the time (2008, terrible church bullying) my Christian heritage made me able to still get a lot out of that book. Hugs to you.

4 days ago

anchie

Veteran

Oh, Helena, I fully sympathize, I am in the same boat. My youngest is also leaving for university this fall and I don’t even want to think about it yet, I know I will have hard time dealing with it.
And she has also started driving around with her friends that just got driving licences, and I can’t relax.

I started having very difficult menopause symptoms last year - irritability, mood swings, anxiety, weight gain, brain fog and terrible hot flashes accompanied with dizziness and heart palpitations, they were waking me up every hour during the night, so I was not able to sleep for months. My gynecologist was against HRT, telling me that menopause is just normal part of aging and I should manage it with diet and exercise. Finally last November she agreed to put me on the lowest dose of estrogen gel and progesterone pill, just for a 6 months to tide me over until full menopause (I still have periods). It was life changing, within a week all my symptoms were gone and I started feeling like my old self again. I am going to fight her to stay on HRT as long as possible when I go for 6 months check up next month, and will change doctor if needed.

4 days ago

jasmine

Active Member

Hi Helena. I'm sorry that things are so tough for you right now. I found out I was in perimenopause when I started getting horrendous hot flashes that left me unable to get a decent night's sleep and soaking wet multiple times during the day, often followed by freezing cold flashes. When I began doing some reading prior to going to the doctor to discuss my options, I was shocked to discover that reduced estrogen levels can cause many health issues in addition to hot flashes, and NO-ONE had ever mentioned this to me before. It really makes me angry how women's health has not been treated as a priority and how much unnecessary suffering has been caused as a result. We all need proper information to understand what is going on with our bodies and how to proactively manage our health going forward.

Anyway, I eventually found a great doctor here in Tokyo via the North American Menopause Society website, and am feeling really good these days. I've been on HRT for about 7 years and plan to stay on it for the rest of my life if possible. Through that doctor I also discovered I needed treatment for hypothyroidism, and since getting that under control my mood is hugely improved and I have more energy.

I really encourage you to take a look at the menopause subreddit (https://www.reddit.com/r/Menopause/), particularly its wiki (https://menopausewiki.ca/), which has a lot of useful information, including info on how to find a menopause practitioner in your area. Unfortunately many doctors are poorly informed on menopause and deny women treatment that could be life-changing, so finding a good doctor is key.

Good luck! I know how difficult this time can be, for so many reasons, and I hope you are feeling better soon!

4 days ago

Helena

Veteran

Thank you all so very much! I appreciate you sharing your personal experiences, and all the encouragement. You all are the best xoxox

I have a therapy appointment today, so I'm hoping she will start giving me some 'homework' that at least helps me feel a little more like I'm taking control. I do work part-time and am considering whether a move to full-time would make sense when DD moves out in the fall - it's hard to make the math work given DH's job and the amount of home/finances/etc. that I take on given his busy work schedule - but that's a problem that I've scheduled for October, once I've had a month to settle after her move.

I do take an SSRI (SNRI maybe?) that helps with mood and hot flashes. I'll keep an open mind about HRT but it's hard to even get an ob/gyn referral without a more tangible problem! They are so busy and in short supply I think. But I will push for it if I need to, my GP is great so there's that at least.

Anchie, hugs for our shared life stage! I can say my DD started driving a few months ago and I was an absolute basket case; in fact, I think I posted about it on here to get encouragement! I will say my solution was distraction, distraction, distraction. Once I've given my safety lecture and set the boundaries, and she is off, all I can do is trust that her driving training and good sense will hold her in good stead, and then say a Hail Mary and hope for the best. Worrying was doing nothing but taking a toll so I started fully distracting myself until she got home safely and over time I have more trust that she will be okay. We did also set distance and time parameters, as well as update requirements for safe arrivals and departures; I don't track her location as that's not our thing and she is extremely reliable about keeping me up to date in gratitude for that!) that have gradually relaxed with both our growing confidence. And she's subject to my safety lectures for the rest of her life lol (now that it's spring - cyclists and speeders and playing children, oh my!!) Hang in there xx

Thank you all, precious and wise women! x

3 days ago

anchie

Veteran

Helena, I hope that with time I’ll feel more at ease with driving too. What makes me nervous right now is that everyone in my DD friend group recently got their licenses, and they’re all driving each other around. I honestly don’t know yet how experienced or careful they are behind the wheel. I just hope and pray for the best.

3 days ago

The Cat

Veteran

I am sorry to hear about your menopause/midlife struggle.

For some months when I was 52, I exerienced strange mood changes in connection with menopause. I understood that my hormones were out of balance, and chose to try progesterone cream. I soon felt better, and after six months I stopped using it.

In addition, strong vitamin B supplements was--and still is--a great help when coping with stress and worries.

3 days ago

Sal

Veteran

Helena, it is not an easy time. I am at a somewhat similar age and stage. It is really hard balancing your needs and role right now with crazy hormones and fluctuating energy.

I am not on HRT but am considering it mostly due to sleep and hot flushes.

My sons are 24 and 21 and living in different cities. I miss them terribly but am grateful they are thriving.

In times of stress the following have helped me:
- breathing exercises - I am a huge believer in these
- regular morning exercise,
- a new hobby (for me pickleball)

Jon and I have also undertaken a couple of adventurous trips without our kids which we have enjoyed and would not have done in the past.

3 days ago

bella

(website)

Veteran

Hi Helena,
I am sorry to hear about how intensely you are experiencing some symptoms of perimenopause. Like Jasmine, I am furious that women's health is never made a priority and most women have to navigate this stage of life on their own, most of the time without adequate or quality medical assistance, info or technology!

Since you seem open to exploring methods other than HRT, may I humbly suggest cycle synching?
It is a method of adjusting diet, exercise, and lifestyle to accommodate increasing hormone fluctuations. I've done it for about 10 months last year with good results (huge improvement in sleep distortions, good control over weight gain and feeling of bloatedness, increased cycle length, etc), but I somehow fell of the wagon at the beginning of winter. With the arrival of spring and more sunshine, I am trying to get back on track.
You can google it or ask your AI agent. I did participate in a workshop (local, so no references), but there is a lot of info online.
Good luck!

3 days ago

RobinF

Veteran

So sorry to hear you are struggling! When my last kids (daughter moved out early, sons waited a while) moved out, DH and I moved house at the same time. I think it was a lucky thing because decorating and remodeling it gave me something to focus on and I don't have the house that they were raised in to remind me that they aren't here, if that makes sense.

You have gotten so much good advice here, I really don't have much to add. Just hugs and assurance that you will adjust and find fun activities to replace the time spent on kids. They will always need you but in different ways . I also find that keeping in touch is so much easier now than it was when I was my kids' age and I love our family phone chats.

Hang in there!

3 days ago

Helena

Veteran

Thank you all so much xoxox ... I'll explore cycle syncing and Sal I'm with you ... Exercise and breathwork are keeping me going.

I had a very interesting therapy appointment where she identified that I have a highly activated nervous system, so we are working on ways of disabling some of the "alarms" that are always going off. I have been skeptical of this sort of information but when we walked through it, given my personality, upbringing, etc it did make a lot of sense. Fingers crossed it is helpful but it feels good just to be trying something and moving forward. Xx

2 days ago

bella

(website)

Veteran

A highly activated nervous system means your body is constantly producing cortisol and adrenaline. During perimenopause, our body needs to make up for the decreased reproductive hormones, but if you are under constant stress, this effort is directed to producing cortisol instead. I think you'd benefit from meditation, which was an important part of the synching workshop that I attended, as well. You might want to add this to your arsenal of perimenopause-fighting tools.

2 days ago

Sisi

Veteran

Helena, I am sorry to hear that you are going through a difficult period but compliments for actively looking for a solution. Good idea to see a therapist. I hope that the suggestions given by our wonderful forum members will help you feel better soon. Wishing you all the best!

2 days ago

doggeh lover

Active Member

Hi Helana, good to see you back, sorry you're going thru so much. I was miserable with sweating, needed to change my uniform top half-way through my shift quite often. If your hair is long, get it off your neck as often as you can and also run some very cool (not near freezing cold) water on a paper towel, then wet your whole face include behind your ears, your neck and wrists often, it worked well for me. My husband was diagnosed with prostate cancer in January. He had to get a shot of EDT (estrogen deprivation therapy) to lower testosterone b4 he started his 28 treatments of radiation (mon-fri) for 6 weeks. Dr told him "Welcome to menopause" he's having classic symptoms, ugh! We have fingers and paws crossed for you...

1 day ago

Suntiger

Veteran

I had no change of life symptoms except 9 months of chronic fatigue, which could have been caused by extreme stress! One lady I know though, had hot flashes so bad she was sweating in a tank top, in a Freezing office in the middle of winter
Re other changes: everything is temporary. YOU are not your role. You were always you, and will continue to be. It's just the outside things that change. Your relationship with your grown children is that too, it's just the outside circumstances that change. Not sure if you've read The Untethered Soul, but I recommend! Another thing that's helping me in my own personal transition is the Serenity Prayer (I don't drink but it's applicable to life)!

1 day ago

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