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A dilemna, your thoughts...

Isabel

Veteran

My SIL passed away last week. She was 48. We are all in shock.

She had put me in charge of all her medical and financial records in order to keep her free of having to do all that while so sick. She was not married but had a long term boyfriend. She was extremely private and didn't like sharing a lot with people.

After she passed, I was looking through a pile of medical papers and deciding which to burn and which I might still need. In the pile was a diary. THinking that it was a medical journal that I had given her, I read the last page. It was a personal journal. I handed it to her brother to burn. The first paragraph of that entry had horrible things to say about a couple of people in the family. Once I realized what it was, I stopped reading immediately and decided to destroy it. Her brother disagreed. He feels that the family has the right to read her diaries. I couldn't disagree more. I know that she would not want that.

So my question is, would you want your diaries destroyed or given to people to read ?

I have decided that are some that I want my children to have, but others that were never ever meant to be shared. I am heartbroken over the death and over my inability to protect her privacy without starting an ugly brawl. What should I do ? Is it worth starting a fight about ? EIther way, people are going to be devastated either by the journal ( at least the last entry ) or by me intervening.

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29 replies

Latest reply was from Isabel

Sylvie

Veteran

I'd want my diaries destroyed. In fact, I might destroy them myself at some point (these are from the age of 11 till about mid 20's)

KikiG

Veteran

Destroy. She wrote them when she was sick, and was probably venting at a low mental and physical point. It is not how she would want to be remembered.

Elly

Veteran

Destroy it--- my grandmother had a personal diary that didn't have nice things in it, but it was just her thoughts, not meant for others' eyes. My father read hers and he shouldn't have, just made him unhappy.

celia

Veteran

I would also destroy it.What would be the point of sharing her thoughts on her family now besides creating more hurt?

What she wrote there is just a part of who she was but in the grieving process people will want to hang to something about her and that is not the thing.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Isabel, I have no wisdom about your dilemma, because I think this is the kind of thing that can only really be decided on a case by case basis -- there are so many factors that could potentially come into play and I feel as if we'd need so much information to make an informed decision that it's just not possible!

But I wanted to express my sympathy for your loss, and send you a virtual hug. It is so difficult to lose a loved one (maybe especially when you've been so recently ill yourself) and then to add to it family conflict -- that is hard.

FWIW: my impulse would be not to DESTROY the journal, but not to read it immediately either. To put it aside for safekeeping in a kind of holding zone, and to make a decision about what to do with it later on, when grief has modulated and people are in a clearer state of mind.

Isabel

Veteran

Thank you everyone. I am sure that she would want them destroyed. But it never dawned on me to ask her as she was dying.

Suz, you are so right. It all seems like a bad dream now. And it has been very hard for me because a friend of mine died last year at this time at 48 from cancer too. I can't help but be angry that I made it and they did not. We were all the same age, our treatments and diagnosis overlapped. We all had plans when the cancer was over. My outcome was so good, why wasn't theirs ? I feel lonely in my journey without them. Anyway, I don't want to dump that on all of you. Thanks, Suze ! Your response really touched me.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Oh, this must be doubly, triply hard for you then! It is a sad anniversary of sort. I'm so sorry, Isabel. Please be gentle with yourself -- you deserve it.

And send those obstreperous family members to us. We'll deal with them!!

Classically Casual

Veteran

Hi Isabel, I'm so sorry you've lost your SIL & friend in such a short time. Cancer just sucks!

I'd like to add one more thought to the diary dilemna. Do you have a sense of who her heir(s) are, and what they're expecting, vs. what they may get from her estate? Recently, I've observed siblings at each other's throats over estate matters. My sense is that it's worse when the death is unexpected.
Emotions may be so high already, that one wouldn't want to add to people's misery from hurtful journal entries.

Glory

Veteran

Isabel I am so sorry for your loss. The additional stress on the diary is a difficult one. I do like Suzs idea of a holding zone while moving through some of the grieving

Debbie

Veteran

I have no advice just hugs.

ClaraT

Veteran

You say "The first paragraph of that entry had horrible things to say about a couple of people in the family." I think that the content would influence my decision (if I were in your shoes, so to speak). For example, if it is just petty stuff (why she doesn't like someone), she was venting and there is no reason/advantage to spreading that. Why hurt people for no reason? However, if the horrible things could still be relevant, such as accounts of abuse (and the abuser may have access to other victims), please think about whether that should be swept under the rug.
In other words: if only hurt will come of sharing the diary, by all means destroy it. Only if some good will come from sharing it should it be shared.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

Sona

Veteran

Isa all my thoughts and love and prayers with all of you but especially you at this time.
Words are hard because they become sort of permanent once the ink dries. Many moons ago when I was angry with my father I wrote him a letter about how much I disliked him and his curbing of my freedoms. He kept it forever. My mom may still have it with his possessions.
It was my saddest moment when I found it in his cupboard. The words were written in the heat of the moment and their bitter vitriolic was simply a young girl rebelling.
I highly suggest you pretend the diary is lost and destroy it. Her thoughts may very well have been fleeting and causing ill will in the family post death will not help anyone.

Ornella

(website)

Veteran

Isabel, your dilemma clearly shows your SIL obviously knew you (YOU) were deserving of her trust. It is always fascinating to watch reactions when blood-relations are skipped and trust given to another family member. I come from big families on both my mum's and my dad's sides, and have watched a huge palette of inter-personal situations as long as I can remember. And sadly, I can imagine situation like the one you're describing so easily.

Suz's advice to put the diary in the holding zone is so wise and probably the best solution for now, until you come up with better one.

However, my initial thought was this: what exactly do people who want access to the diary expect to get from it? Unless you had enough reason to suspect there are important facts, then it's nothing less than someone's private thoughts and it should be destroyed.

Diaries are private and are meant to be left so.

I have already destroyed one of mine. I plan to destroy the others too, one by one. They were written mostly by a very young me, but in all honesty if reading them doesn't benefit me personally, I cannot see how it would be of any use to anyone else.

I've also had one of my diaries accidentally read. It was a shocking discovery which left me feeling bitter to this day, regardless how much I (try to) understand the reader's perspective to some extent.

I also remember when I was very far from home and there was a risk of not returning back when planned due to some life-changing circumstances, I had told my mum where my diary was and asked her to be ready to destroy it when I tell her.

The point of what I'm saying is that diaries are extremely private matter. Your SIL was a private person. My impression is that she was also discrete and I if she used her diary to vent (or whatever), well - she had every right. Also, knowing more about the content would probably burden you in many ways.

Finally, I wanted to say that I am sorry for both your loss and what you have to deal with at these times. I wish you come up with some course of action that would make it easier for you.

And one more thing - your treatment had good outcome, but the fact you now feel alone seem to take a bit of joy away. I am sorry you feel that way, although I think it's perfectly natural. I hope you'll find comfort soon.

Anonymous

I'm so sorry for your loss, Isabel.

Echo

Veteran

I am so sorry for your loss, and the burdens that are accompanying it.

As for the diary, even when someone is very ill, I have trouble believing that they would write things they never wanted anyone to see. Perhaps I am an exception, but in the pre-internet era, my mother taught me very early never to put thoughts in ink that I wouldn't want published. Once you tell someone (even an inanimate object), a secret is no longer a secret. If she was still writing as she was dying, she had to know that book would tall into your hands, and I think if she had wanted it destroyed she would have had it taken care of before she died.

But you know her best, and that is likely why she chose you to manage her estate. The boyfriend is, ultimately, "just" a boyfriend, and you can choose to keep the diary. Like a PP mentioned, perhaps it can "get lost" in the shuffle. You could tell curious family members that it was more of a medical journal and not a diary journal if they question you. It is a hard spot to be in. I am so sorry.

Isabel

Veteran

Thank you all !!

I have painted myself into a corner. I wish to God that I had burned it. My thoughts were clouded and I thought that my BIL ( her brother ) would just do what I asked of the all the paper. He was in charge of burning. But he saw it in the fire and pulled it out. She chose me not because I was closer to her than anyone else, but over the last 25 years she learned that I would never substitute my judgement or wishes for hers. Whether or not I agreed with her. I fully accepted her for who she was. During her illness, I did things for her that I was adamantly against ( purely perferrential ) . She knew that I would follow her instructions. It was about her and not me. But I never thought to ask her about the diaries the last couple days of her life. ( I should say that until the last day, she thought that she would beat it. )

I didn't not read more than one paragraph in the last entry. This was months before her diagnosis. What I read would devastate someone who loves her very much. She had started to implement somethings that would just destroy him. Then her illness got in the way. She was not abused or being hurt in any way.

I also don't understand why anyone wants to read it. But that is my perspective. Sona, you are correct, words bite.

I think that the only possibility right now is to put them away and have everyone cool off. I think that is a very good agreement that we can all come too for now. I will propose that.

I cannot tell you how comforting it is to have all of you to sound this off of.

XXXXXOOOOOOO

Isabel

deb

Veteran

I am so sorry for your loss and the tough position you are in. I have no advice on this but sent my hugs and hope everything turns out ok.

Beth Ann

Veteran

So sorry, Isabel, that grief and conflict come in the same heavy package. It sounds like you are coming to at least a temporary solution. Wishing you the very best. Do something nice for yourself this week -- something that restores and rejuvinates you.

velvetychocolate

Veteran

I wouldn't necessarily burn or destroy these diary entries, but I would do my best not to have them out in the open for now.

In my experience - thoughts and feelings change. It's not until you give life to your feelings in the moment that you can heal and move on from whatever you might be feeling in the 'heat of the moment' so to speak.

What I am trying to say is that your sister-in-law may have written that diary entry (or entries) during a time when her feelings were overwhelming and very much in flux. It is in the expression of feelings that they change and mature. If you don't talk about, write about or express your feelings in the moment, they don't change and you can't grow and move on from them.

It is very likely that your SIL wrote out a bunch of stuff and after having a chance to express herself in her own private diary, her feelings probably changed. You can't move on from intense feelings unless you give expression to them, and let them live a bit. Give them some attention and some respect. If there is anything that I've learned, it's that feelings change, and it is not until you allow expression of your feelings (as "bad" as they may seem) that you can then move forward and move on.

Not sure I'm making sense, but it wouldn't surprise me that even though your SIL may have written some "stuff" about certain family members during a tense time she may have been having - once written and expressed - her feelings probably changed for the better, having gotten it out of her system and given free expression and release.

It's important to remember that something written was probably just how she felt for a moment in time, and after having written it - she probably felt a lot better and her feelings probably changed (in a good way) after that. Sometimes you have to blurt out a bunch of awful stuff in order to clear the air and gain clarity.

Goodness knows I've said some terrible things when blurting out a bunch of bottled-up feelings, only to be surprised at how much my feelings change once I give them free expression and a bit of space to exist. I hope this doesn't sound weird - but what I'm trying to say is that sometimes there is a bunch of "ugly" stuff to say before one can even try to get on a bit of an even keel.

It's important to remember that feelings aren't permanent. Whatever your SIL wrote was only in that moment, and it's possible that after having written down and expressed all of her angst about whatever was going on, she felt much better about things and her feelings may have changed for the better.

In this respect, I don't think it's a great idea to zero-in on an entry or three - or make a huge deal out of it. You are right to try and protect her privacy and hopefully you can help your family understand that lots of people say things "in the moment" and that people's feelings are always in flux.

I am sorry for your loss. I hope that the diary entries don't turn out to be a big deal. It's important to remember that people's feelings are always changing, and that what was said on one particular day isn't the whole story at all. It's just the way your sister-in-law felt at the time she wrote it. Having vented her feelings in her own private diary, she may have felt much better about things afterward. Does that make sense?

Hang in there, and again - I am sorry for your loss.

Isabel

Veteran

VC, yes. That makes a ton of sense. Of course who were are is not a "snapshot" of one time. That will be a good way to deal with the blowout that will happen. You bring up an interesting point, her death makes it hard to know whether she had moved on. To be honest, it doesn't much matter to me beyond the fact that she is gone. Thank you !!!

Suz also made a lot of sense that this needs to be handled further out from the grief.

catgirl

Veteran

I'll just say that she chose you for this role for a reason, and this seems like an obvious example of why she made the right choice. I am so sorry for your loss.

Anonymous

How sad Isabel! Big hugs from me. No advice either, as it sound like matters are already out of your hands. Let the chips fall where they may and then deal with the fall out.

I used to keep diaries until one of them was accidentally stumbled upon by the daughter of the family was housing me for the summer. I had said some things about their (apparent) lack of monetary wealth that made me feel so horrible. They were the salt of the earth, too! I never knew if she read my diary or not, or told her parents anything I had written, but I was so ashamed when she returned it to me (I think I had left it in her bedroom). I have never been able to write anything down of a personal nature again, and have some serious blocks against exposing anything in writing even now.

Debora

Veteran

Isabel, I am so sorry for your loss. It sounds like you are handling a very difficult situation with compassion and discretion. You are in my thoughts, girlfriend. xo

MsMary

Veteran

Isabel, big, big hugs to you! This is so hard!

My thoughts on the merits of the matter are identical to Una's.

Adelfa

Veteran

I am so sorry for your loss! DD used to say, when she was about 12, that diary entries are written at a person's lowest and most negative point, and that anyone reading them would make a mistake to think they were representative of a person's whole outlook. I don't know if she was trying to warn me about reading hers, but it was certainly an effective warning, if I needed one! It would be such a shame for someone to think of what your late SIL wrote as "truth" when it was the result of a changeable low or angry mood.

Ornella

(website)

Veteran

I think about this a lot. As I said, I come from big families, and on my late mum's side it was always colourful due to different personalities, attitudes and the understanding of the term "privacy" in general. I can just so easily see this happening in that circle. But, I digress.

I'm posting again to say that I remembered an incident from the kindergarden with my son and a little girl and the misunderstanding about a toy they both got attached to.

Firstly, I tried to sort things out with the girl's mum. But when mum behaved like an unreasonable 6-year-old herself, I lost every consideration for her opinion from that point.

And I figured out - no matter the outcome, ONE side, one child, will inevitably end up crying. Well, call me selfish, but I decided I'll do everything that my child is not the one crying. And I did.

Moral of the story: yes - you may have cornered yourself, but out of the best intentions. You need two committed parties to find a fair solution, and sounds like you yourself are not in that position. There is no way any more that everyone will be happy. But, do the best damage control and ensure you're not the one left crying and feeling guilty about the outcome.

Marley

Veteran

I have very strong feelings about this. The diary was her private property. There is absolutely no reason - no point - to reveal what she wrote in her diary. It was private. I find it despicable and disrespectul that someone would even considering showing this to other family members. She asked you to handle her affairs/papers, etc. - she trusted you to make the right decisions - you are the one to handle this - no one else.

Also - I'm so sorry for your loss Isabel. I didn't know that your SIL was ill - I know that is an awful thing to go through - sending you my love and prayers.

Janet

(website)

Veteran

I'm so sorry for your loss! That is so sad, and she was so young.

I have some old journals squirreled away somewhere, and I've thought that perhaps at some point I might read through them a bit and then destroy them or throw them out. A lot of it was working through years of battling depression, and some of them are from when I was doing The Artist's Way and writing morning pages, which are purely a stream of thought upon waking -- three solid pages of blurting out whatever came to my mind: dreams, worries, ridiculous thoughts, etc. Some of them, I'm sure, have some frustrations and not-so-kind thoughts about people I love.

That brings me to VC's point. Those were feelings I was having at one particular moment in time, and they were not necessarily ones I'd be proud of, but writing them helped me process them. I really wouldn't want anyone to be upset by my fleeting emotions from years ago, and I certainly wouldn't want anyone's memories of me to be colored by the discovery of things I'd written about them.

In short, I wouldn't want my personal journals read by anyone else, and certainly not by the whole family. I would do whatever you can to preserve as much of her privacy as you can. I'm so sorry that on top of the loss, you're also having to deal with this. I wish you all the best, and big hugs to you!

Isabel

Veteran

Thank you everyone. I feel newly fortified to fight this. I made a promise that, hopefully, brought her some peace in the dying process. Though she is gone, I feel a huge obligation to follow through. Not just for her, but as a role model to my kids and other family members who I want to know that they can trust me.

For the time being, nothing is being done. It is on hold. But I feel that with your support now, I can move on to fight for the only thing that she really had, her privacy and dignity.

You all mean so much to me !

PS Marley, it has been a whirlwind and I haven't posted about it. But it is the reason that I am not going to CA. I mentioned it on the private email thread. She was diagnosed with cancer at the end of July, at the end of August she was told she was terminal and had 6 months, she lasted 4 weeks. It has been utterly horrific since she didn't believe in Western Medicine and suffered terribly believing that sheer willpower would help her overcome it. She wouldn't even agree to morphine until 2 days before she died. It was such a tragedy....but I told her all along that whether or not I agreed with her, I would follow her instructions. And I have. But I am racked with guilt that I blew the diary thing. : ( The problem is that I am not in possession of them and two other family members are. And they don't agree with me that they should be destroyed. The one that I came across was her most recent one. I found out later that there are a few more in storage that I don't have access to.