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A bit quiet...

velvetychocolate

Veteran

I've been a bit quiet around these parts - and I felt like I should at least 'pop in' and give a bit of an explanation.

Just a lot going on. I'm working hard on a project that is driving me around the bend, something I got sort of talked into doing as a favour. I didn't think it would be as much work as it has been, and ...well, it's been a huge deal.

At the same time - things are just a little bit "much" lately. Been waiting around *forever* it seems to find out what's going on with my Mom - she had a breast biopsy (finally) last week, and will hopefully get some results later this week.

Meanwhile, somehow, my dog got bitten (I wasn't there) - he's healing up nicely, but still - it was a bit of drama and scary-ness.

Then, on top of that - I've been kind of upset with my situation lately (DH and home issues). Nothing's changed, just that I've reached some kind of limit. Don't get me wrong - we're "ok" - it's just that I seem to have run out of ....patience or kindness or what have you. Sounds bad, I know - but I seem to have run out of my "go along to get along" energy if that makes sense.

It was ok when I needed to just buck up and be the supportive person and do what needed doing, but it's gone on a bit too long. I felt good about doing what was needed and being extra supportive at the time and for the longest time since. These days? Not so much. Really fed up and unhappy with the situation.

Hate to say it, but sometimes I feel like the bad guy, and yet - the 'situation' was only meant to be temporary. Well, it's three years temporary and I'm feeling kind of "done", if you know what I mean.

Don't you hate that? Do all the right things and put up with something less than ideal for the longest time because it's the right thing to do, but then ....months/years later, it's not ok anymore? Then you're the bad guy. Ack!

Not sure how to navigate the "Well, yes - I did this to support you and us, and it was supposed to be a temporary situation and now I've run out of patience and I'm getting really upset" deal.

Egads, I ended up saying a bit more than I planned - but I felt bad for popping in replying to things and then not replying back or not keeping up with replying properly to threads I started a few weeks back. I'm sorry about that, and just figured I should give a bit of an explanation.

Just wanted to say that it's not my style to not reply or write back. I wanted to apologize for that.

Thanks for listening.

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15 replies

Latest reply was from velvetychocolate

Suz

(website)

Veteran

VC -- it does sound like a rough time -- and also, maybe, as if you could use some support yourself right now. I'm so sorry.

Often when we put up with situations in the way you describe we end up feeling resentful. If you've reached your limits, then it is probably time to be direct and say this isn't working for you anymore and you need to problem solve another solution.

It's also true that when we're under unusual stress (as you have been, waiting to hear news of your mother and with your dog and other issues) we can sometimes feel less patient.

I don't know about you, but I often find that the worrying about the difficult conversation is more stressful than the difficult conversation itself. If you start from what you both want, you will probably be able to find a way through this.

velvetychocolate

Veteran

Thanks Suz - I really appreciate it.

You're right. Time to try another "talk" without somehow bungling it all up. I seem to specialize in that these days (saying something, but in a way that doesn't come across quite right..)

You're also right in that I have less patience or understanding because of other stress going on in the background (big project, Mom, dog and so on).

Thanks a lot Suz - it helps.

Hmmm...probably the un-discussed "conversation" is coming out in other ways - me being snappish with DH and making dramatic statements, when what's really needed is a proper discussion/conversation.

Resentment - and I can feel it creeping up on me. I will just have to try harder to communicate what's going on, rather than stewing and lashing out.

Thanks again.

PS - I got your book (after a month's wait)! It's just excellent - I'm on the third chapter/essay and relishing every word. Hope you're up for another book, because once I finish this one, I'm going to want to read more

Mo

(website)

Veteran

Just a quick nod with the ongoing 'situation'. For me, it's moving our whole lives and quitting my jobs and putting friendships on hold for $$$. Once or twice was fine, fun even. Three and four times got to be tedious. Five and now six times is bordering on ridiculous and unsustainable.
But for the first time, I said a LOT. All of what our values are and where they do and do not coincide. How we can find a happy medium and both feel we are getting what we need. My biggest weakness is communication. Not because I can't find the words, I'm a smart girl, but it's the emotional quotient I'm somehow behind in. I mean to say, I 'get' the bottling it up and getting resentful. Funny thing is, resentment hurts you, not them!

Deborah

Veteran

VC excellent advise from Suz and Mo. My only suggestion is as they suggest, talk to your DH. It is sometimes very unfortable to have certain conversations but often so worth it. My default is to shy away from possible conflict, but I have learnt over the years that conflict has the potential to bring people closer, particularly when they are able to work through it together.

Keeping you in my thoughts and sending you best wishes at what is clearly a challenging time for you. xxx

Caro in Oz

Veteran

I couldn't agree more with Deborah - conflict can be a really positive thing that allows us to change & grow. Is there anyone else (apart form us) who you can talk to? Someone who will allow you to vent & then forget everything you say to them? Remember to be kind to yourself & don't feel guilty (hard I know) for drawing that line in the sand. Sending kindest thoughts. C.

deb

Veteran

VC, I have no doubt that all the stress is making you feel even more frustrated with the 'situation' than before. Please take care of yourself because it is times like these when your body takes over and lays you out flat. Please stay well.

Gaylene

Veteran

Your comment about being tired of "go along to get along" made me decide to post this true story about a close friend. Both my husband and I still start laughing whenever we think about it.

My friend (I'll call her Lois) was a quiet, even-tempered woman, married for 35 years to a rather challenging man (I'll call him Jack) who depended on her to support him in his various ventures. Lois' mother and father had passed away a year ago after a couple of years of her providing them with a fair bit of assistance so they could stay in their home. Both her children were married and relied on Lois quite frequently for babysitting and dogsitting duties which she seemed to take in her stride.

On the surface, everything seemed normal. That's why my husband and I were dumfounded when Jack telephoned us to tell that Lois wouldn't be around for a few weeks. Apparently she announced at Easter dinner that she was sick of always putting herself last in the family and had booked herself a vacation in Hawaii--by herself, thank you very much. According to Jack, she then left the table, drove to the airport, got on the plane, and spent the next two weeks at an undisclosed resort contemplating her next move. I couldn't help but start giggling when Jack told us, in an aggravated tone that she hadn't even bothered to do the dishes before she left.

To make a long story short, Lois did decide to return to her rather chastened family, but they are much more careful to ask her before assuming anything these days. I think Jack even learned how to load the dishwasher while she was gone. I've also got to admit that I look at Lois in a much different light now--there is obviously a lot more below the surface than I'd ever have guessed.

Maybe your husband ought to be grateful that you are just getting snappish?

velvetychocolate

Veteran

Thanks so much! I feel better already

And Mo - my situation is similar to yours! Ended up moving somewhere that I really don't like after all (and it isn't the first time either). Couldn't be helped at the time, but now I'm feeling kind of "done." Thank you for chiming in. I will make a point of saying 'a lot' for a change. It needs to happen. Thanks for your help here.

Thank you Deborah and Caro too - I really appreciate your support and kindness. You've helped me feel a bit less guilty about it all. Just need to transition into speaking up in a way that doesn't come across as all clenched and angry, and yet still feel like it's ok to really make a big deal of it, because it's a big deal to me.

Thanks a lot!

My Mom has an appt. with her GP on Thursday morning - she made the appt. herself "pre-emptively" upon hearing that the biopsy results take 3-5 business days. She hasn't wanted to phone and ask if they have the results yet. Just made herself an appt. for a week after her biopsy.

I hope the GP has the results when my Mom goes in there Thursday. The waiting has been truly awful, especially for my Mom. She had an abnormal mammogram, a second abnormal mammogram, a breast ultrasound that was abnormal, then another breast ultrasound (may have been to just plot/plan where to biopsy, not sure), then the biopsy itself.

------

Off to bed to read more of Suz's book!

Thanks again.

velvetychocolate

Veteran

Now I'm smiling! Thank you Gaylene (and you too deb - I will be sure to try and take some care of myself this week and get a bit of a break).

Meanwhile, the "Lois" story is priceless.

Hate to say it, but that's just about exactly what I've felt like doing!!! Jumping on a plane and just taking off.

Yeah - you have it fairly close Gaylene!

Lantana

Veteran

Hi VC, I posted earlier but it disappeared into the ether, the second time that's happened today. Weird, hey?

Anyway, what I wanted to say is that I totally identify with your feelings. I was in a similar situation of grin and bear it long, long ago and one day the whole edifice came tumbling down. If I'd been more honest about my feelings sooner ... Oh well, the benefits of hindsight.
And those repressed feelings sure as heck don't do your body any favours.
Sending you supportive vibes.

ManidipaM

Veteran

VC, hugs! And two thoughts to ponder with some tea and biscuits in bed.

1. You are a very articulate writer. How good a reader is your fella? You might feel less anxious and clenched if you write him a letter and he may be able to hear you better without the distraction of you being distraught or dramatic.

2. If you must have the conversation face to face, see if you can have it off homebase? It helps not to disturb the nest or have one or both of you storming off the symbolic ship. It also breaks old patterns where complaints fall on deaf ears because they are voiced in the same space as daily cribs. (When I insist on a 'walking date, my SO has learnt it is time to listen up. Movement seems to help him feel less cornered too, which removes the defensive barrier.)

(PS: must confess my own storm I mentioned in the other thread was a case of me writing because we have not been finding time to talk...and him not finding time to read!)

Suz

(website)

Veteran

VC -- thank you for your kind words on my book.

And I hope you will take Moni's advice as well, and write out your thoughts. It can help so much to get what you want to say on paper first, and to work out your thoughts and feelings. Then you'll truly know where you stand.

Elly

Veteran

I'm sorry to hear about all your stress VC, I feel for you.

I've been in a similar situation to you and Mo and agree that it is important to let the SO know how hard all this has been on you. Sometimes men can be a little self-involved when it comes to these sort of things and unless it has been clearly voiced (or sometimes even if it has) will fail to notice signs or sacrifices, especially if you've been particularly good at playing the supportive wife role for so long.

I know it took me the longest time to figure out a communication style that works for my partner and I. He tends to react very defensively in situations. I actually use Mandipa's stragy and take my SO for a walk around his quiet neighborhood, or take him out onto the porch to enjoy nice weather and have a cool drink. As silly as it may seem, I go back to all the conflict resolution stuff they taught in school-- instead of talking about what he has done or hasn't done or has been doing, I let him know how I am feeling and exactly what situations have made me feel that way and try to stick to "I" statements. Most men love to solve problems, and if I approach my SO with our relationship issue as an issue I am having that he can help me solve it tends to put him at ease. I also know a lot of men need time to let what you've said process, so if DH is like that you may need to tell him how you've been feeling and then let him get back to you in a few hours or days. He obviously has asked for you to do something for him in this venture, and by emphasizing that you want him to succeed and that you've done your best to help him by doing "x", but that you need him to help you with how you've been feel about "y", to explain why "z" has turned out different than you thought, or that you need help with "C" he will probably react differently than if you go to him about the situation in a different way. Men often need to unwind from others things in their lives to react in an appropriate manner to a discussion with a spouse, and do seem to react very viscerally to things like tone of voice and touch or gestures.

That said, I broke off an engagement with a young man who just chose not to communicate with me. After making a series of big sacrifices for him and the relationship, I started resenting him because the situation never seemed to improve. Despite the actual situation, the real problem in the relationship was his lack of respect for me and ability to communicate, which I couldn't put up with rather than the situation itself. Four years later he is much the same.

With my current SO, I had a situation where I was feeling taken advantage of, but was able to communicate with him and although it didn't resolve immediately, I was very glad we talked about it and I felt much more respected. In fact, I wish I hadn't waited so long.

AviaMariah

Veteran

The Lois story cracked me up. The advise on this thread is very wise and I've marked it for later reading.

velvetychocolate

Veteran

Thank you all so much - it means a lot.

I really appreciate the wisdom and advice shared here - lots of things I hadn't thought of, and it will help me quite a bit. Especially that bit about getting out of the house to have these kinds of discussions. Interesting to realize that maybe the location of talks matters too. Smart people here at YLF - thank you!!

Thank you ManidipaM and Elly for your wise and helpful words - it helps more than you know.

Elly - I will make an effort to take the focus off what he's doing, not doing or what have you and just talk about my own feelings - that was extremely helpful - thank you!

And thank you ManidipaM for saying you think I might be articulate - I don't feel articulate at all! Really appreciate the compliment. I also wanted to thank you for your suggestion to just get out of the house and go for a walk or something - I think you're right about this! Makes so much sense, that perhaps being in the 'same old/same old' place makes it easy to fall into old patterns and not really hear what someone's saying. You are too smart for words. It seems that changing the environment during any discussions/talks will help shine a light on what's really going on and make it easier.

...

Onto tomorrow - where we'll hopefully find out the results of my Mom's biopsy. Mom's just gone ahead and booked herself an appt. with her GP - after hearing from the biopsy people that the results take "three to five days". She has not called to ask if the results are in. GAH. They may or may not be in. She didn't want to call and ask yesterday, because what she wanted to ask is if she should bring her husband to the appt. and then if the receptionist said that she should, she'd "know" it was bad news. So, she didn't want call to ask.

Meanwhile, her GP's office is closed on Wednesdays....so there was no phoning to ask if any results/reports showed up.

So she's just showing up at her regular family doctor's office tomorrow morning (appt. made in advance last week), expecting to have the biopsy results given to her.

Meanwhile, I did talk to DH a wee bit over dinner tonight. He knows how much I want to move. It's ok - he really does know how much it matters to me, and it's not like he's ignoring my concerns at all - just that you can't just snap your fingers and move at the drop of a hat or anything. We stuck around for an extra year because of some big-deal thing at work (for him), and that was implemented in early July. I think I maybe over-estimated my level of "go along" awhile back. His big project is now implemented, and I'm like, "Ok...can we leave now?"

Of course, it doesn't work like that. Takes a bit of time to get organized and figure things out.

...

So, in about sixteen hours or so, I might finally know what's happening with my Mom.

Have no idea how I'll get to sleep tonight.

Again, thank you for listening and for all the great advice - I really appreciate it.